Keep a record of the significant things you did with and for your son. Document clearly any serious accident or injury. Note his developmental growth bits.
A journal can save you a LOT of grief as well as be a great blessing to you and your son.
As he grows up, make sure he knows that it’s okay if things are hard. Everytime he finds something difficult, come right out and tell him that most things start out hard and get easier with practice. Too many kids grow up thinking “hard” is a sign to stop and do something easy, especially boys. Indoctrinate him well while he’s young, and he’ll have good habits all his life.
My all-time favorite is “How to Make Children Mind Without Losing Yours” by Kevin Lehman (or Leman, not sure which). get it on Amazon.com
Dr. Lehman is a scream, and he has the most engenius way to outsmart, teach and punish kids in effective ways that I have ever seen. His sense of humor is a panic, and if you ever hear him speak, he will leave you rolling in the aisles. He calls the little darling in his book, “Festus.”
Book: TO TRAIN UP A CHILD by Michael Pearl. Please send me personal email, and I will get you the address for ordering.
Besides this, the book of Proverbs in a King James Bible; Ephesians chapter 6; Titus chapter 2 will help much.
I used this when I taught school and recommended it to parents. His website is: http://www.trelease-on-reading.com/rah.html
The phone book from a large metro area.
I admire you for wanting to be a good parent during a difficult time.
I don’t have children myself, but my older brother’s children lived with me for a time, and have told me they think of me like “mother”. And now that they have children of their own, I think I also have good relationships with the “great” nieces and nephews as well.
I was very touched when my niece told my why her son likes to come stay with Aunt “Caramelgal`”.
He told her that I actually “listened” to him and “talked” with not “at” him. If he asked me a question, I’d give him an honest answer and if I didn’t know the answer, I’d say “I don’t know but “let’s see if we can find the answer together”. I think that was the greatest compliment any person has ever given me.
Since I don’t have kids, perhaps I’m not the best person to give you advice but a lot of the people who write books aren’t necessarily either. But maybe I have a perspective being a “mother” and being an aunt who wasn’t blesses with children or her own. So for what it’s worth, here’s what I learned an observed:
1. Follow your heart but don’t be a slave to it. Kids will ask for anything and everything and they are opportunists – they will play you and or your ex against each other to get what they want in the short term – they are human after all. When I was eight and living with my parents in an apartment in the city, I asked for a pony for Christmas. My dad took me out to a farm instead; I got to ride the pony but I also got to muck up the stable. You can’t buy love or respect, you have to earn it and so do they.
2. Set a good example by being a good example. Kids are not stupid even if they act that way sometimes. They won’t buy into “the do as I say, not as I do” BS.
3. Kids need structure and discipline and they actually want it. My oldest niece once told me how strict I was when she lived with me like – “do your homework as soon as you come home; no TV, no phone calls, and there will be no bargaining” She said she hated it at first but then her grades went up and she started feeling good about school and herself. She liked the structure because she knew what to expect and what the boundaries were even if she still tested them and me sometimes.
4. Don’t be afraid to discipline but do your best to do it out of love, not anger. It’s OK to show your disappointment or even some anger and enforce rules, but it’s not about yelling and screaming and calling your kid “a selfish little pig” because you are angry with your ex.
5. And don’t make personal like when they get a bad report card; it’s not because they are “stupid”, rather it’s “I’m disappointed because you didn’t apply yourself, and you and I know you can do better and you are really selling yourself short. What are “we” going to do to turn this around”? Then talk about your own experiences and what you’ve learned and then tell them exactly what you expect from them and why.
6. Be honest. If you try to be the perfect Superman 24-7, you will fail and they will see that you are a fraud and if you’re not honest about your shortcomings as a human being, then they will have no idea how to deal with their own short comings. Be strong, be a role model but don’t’ be afraid to be human.
7. Don’t diss your ex even if she talks bad about you. As painful as that is sometimes and even if she takes the low road and alienates your child from you for a time; you need to always take the high road. I’ve seen it happen in my own family and parental alienation; while it may separate you from your child physically and emotionally for a time; your child’s love and respect it will come back to you ten-fold. He or she will get to an age when they are able to understand the selfish manipulations of the other parent and they will resent your spouse’s manipulation of them and they will come to respect you even more That doesn’t mean giving up your rights as a parent, but it means not using your kid as a pawn in your personal battle with your ex.
8. Learn about not only what your kid is interested in but why. Try to be open-minded. After all your parents didn’t’ like Elvis or the Beatles or Black Sabbeth either. So you aren’t into Harry Potter or X-Box games and Modest Mouse; you may not like what they like but don’t close your mind. Try to understand why they like it and make conversation with them about it. You may find what they like isn’t all that much different from what you like. I recently learned my great nephew is really into jazz and he learned that I have a White Stripes in my CD collection
9. Again, kids are not stupid. They can see what is going on around them. They listen, they observe, they understand much more than we give them credit for and they make impressions about us by the impression we make on them.
10. And finally: Love them, Love them, Love them. They are a gift.
I recommend Dr. Benjamin Spock - “Baby and Child Care”.
I recommend that if you have this book or receive it as a gift that you pay no attention to what it says.
Our youngest is 16, and I still remember how what he had to say transformed me from a harried, exhausted mother of 3 small children into a calm, in control, and happy woman.
After assimilating what his books taught, we could take any one of our kids anywhere, and not be afraid that they would act out or create a big hassle. His writing was simply common sense, but as baby boomers exposed to the "self-esteem" movement, we had no confidence in our abilities to do what was right. Thank God for Dr. James Dobson.
In your situation of divorce, I believe this is still crucial, and it boils down to respecting the mother of your children, and always, always working together to do what is best for their sake, NOT for your own egos or need to get emotional validation from your kids. Get your emotional needs met elsewhere - your kids need their parents to be the grown-ups. So, regardless of any negative overtones from the divorce, suck it up for the children.
Anything by Dobson. That man really helped me become a great mother. (Even my kids think so!) :-)
Do you love America?
Do you stand with your hand over your heart when the national anthem is played? Do your eyes well up when you see Old Glory flying over our nation’s capitol? Are you proud to call this country your home? Now what about your kids? You want them to love America as much as you do, but when popular culture tells them it’s cooler to hate this country than to love it, how can you teach them to be responsible and loyal citizens?
I don’t know if still in print, but I read a couple of books by Dr Haim Ginott many years ago -— before I had children. Not only humorous, but some very practical and sensible suggestions.
I doubt that any one expert has all the answers -— if even there ARE answers for everything — but one helpful strategy usually has many applications and is worth its weight in gold.
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