New Stimulus Package Proposal (satire)

The federal government came back from the drawing board yesterday after trying to find new solutions to the looming economic recession. The government is now proposing a new stimulus package in which America will print enough new money to give $1,000 to every citizen. This should increase consumer spending which will help the current economic climate much like the economic improvements from increased government spending. Although, this new stimulus plan will solve the capital availability problem and portions of the economic slowdown, there is still much more that needs to be done to improve the economy.

The federal government is proud of the risk takers who consumed too much and produced too little during the housing crisis, and must prove this by offering an economic stimulating bail out. This will not only give them a second chance with more experience, but will also increase awareness on the dangers of a free market economy. Doing anything less will increase the risk of an economic slowdown. A recession would spell disaster for the American economy which could see stock prices fall as much as 10% over a lengthy period of time. Even a blip on progress would open the door for China to own more US debt and start controlling our economy even more then they do now.

The government has to do something to stimulate the economy. The first step is to end our reliance on foreign investments. Our new plan should be an American first strategy. By investing in other countrys' debts and businesses, we can finally start the process of controlling foreign economies by increasing outflows of capital abroad. This will boost our slumping domestic situation and increase the world's reliance on American money. Once a country cannot pay their debts we will have total authority in their domestic issues and can use this authority to improve our own situation. We can then punish them with debt forgiveness and then tell them to be more responsible with the borrowed money next time. By ending our addiction to foreign investments well will then see a great increase in domestic economic activity and promote American business.

There is already some good news in all of this, the feds finally acted in trying to prevent an economic apocalypse by lowering interest rates. The cheaper money will help build momentum and increase spending to protect us from an economic slowdown. Lowering interest rates will also reduce the urgency of the Hooverville Development Act, which will give tax credits to house builders that build lower income tents across the country. As long as the feds continue these common sense approaches to pro-growth policies, it will ensure we will never have a recession again.

Here's a little exercise I used to perform to help my kids understand a little bit of basic economics. Take an object. Anything. Let's say a bottle of beer. Then take a dollar bill. Assume that the bottle of beer is the only commodity/service in your economy, and the dollar bill is the only money.

Question: What's the price of a bottle of beer?

Now take another dollar out of your wallet and throw it into your newly-created economy.

Question: Now what's the price of a bottle of beer?

It's that simple.

Obarama Ups the Ante with $1,000,000 Bid

Separately, Presidential Candidate Baracks Obamarama has put forth his own bid for the hearts and pocketbooks of Americans.

With an opening bid of $1,000,000 per American, Obamarama intends to outbid the U.S. Government under the weak-kneed "leadership" of President Bush and Ben(dover) Bernanke.

"We feel that if $1,000 is good, then $1,000,000 is better," said Senator Obamarama.

"Democrats can oil the printing presses faster than the Republicans, and anything less that $1 million just shows how heartless Republicans are."

Lines at the Federal Treasury wrapped around several blocks waiting for the printing of the Checks.

"Obama's my man, and if I have to wait here until January 22nd of 2009, I'll be first in line for the Obamarama checks," said Sydney Hogfart. "I been gettin' these gubmint checks for years, and Obamarama's just gonna add a few more zeroes. He's so compassionate, not like that last guy."

In other news, Ben(dover) Bernanke threw open the gates of Fort Knox, and within minutes, the gold bars were headed to the four winds. "I feel that liquidity is key to market performance, and Wall Street promised me a real sweet bl*w j*b if I did it. I'll be in Suite 69 at the Watergate, boys!"

Finally, in possibly related news, extreme seismic activity was picked up on the Richter monitors, with an epicenter in a graveyard in Palo Alto. A witness to the event, Rose Friedman, said the earth veritably heaved. "I don't know what's going on," said Rose, "I don't read the papers anymore after that McWhatsisname. But my Miltie must've heard something."

Breadlines formed in Chicago where wheelbarrows of greenbacks were being burned to fuel the ovens.

"I just can't get enough of this good economic news," exclaimed Presidential Candidate John McIgnorant. "I never did take Economics, and I really don't know where my paycheck comes from. But when money is flowing in the streets, it makes people happy, and dagummit, I like that!"

Chinese Naval Vessels were seen disembarking all ports and steaming East at full speed.

There is a new theory in economics I’ve seen called “imaginary money”, that explains a lot of our current worldwide problems.

World economies have not been based on anything “real” for a long time. Even only a tiny fraction of highly denominated paper represents the vast majority of money out there. Sometimes it is said that money today is based on the “faith” standard.

The world could get away with this for many years, because instead of basing currency strength on “real” things, it was based in the “dynamics” of an economy and how much it traded with other economies.

But then a new factor entered in to the equation. People and government started to cheat, or allow cheating to create the illusion of money that is supported by nothing.

And this is what is called “imaginary money”. Imaginary money begins with inflation, which benefits debtors, be they individuals, corporations, or governments. But eventually, “imaginary money” becomes “value added” money, but value added for no reason.

Say you go to a bank to take out a loan, using your house for collateral. Your house is worth $250k, but somehow you persuade your bank to loan you $1 million dollars, using that house as collateral. Instantly, the bank has created $750k of “imaginary money”, money that exists, and can be spent on things, but has no *reason* to exist. They shouldn’t have given it to you.

Continuing with this model. Say you take your $1M loan, and go buy four more houses with it, with the idea that their value will appreciate, and you can sell them for more then you paid for them, thus making a profit and being able to pay back your loan.

But instead, you take the deeds to these four houses to the bank the next day, as use them as collateral to get a $4M dollar loan. Again, the bank using very poor judgment in loaning you that money.

The is simplistic description of how the Savings & Loan crisis happened. It cost the US treasury $500 BILLION dollars to rectify, and cost hundreds of thousands of people the loss of “real” money.

But imaginary money is created everywhere. If you earn $1, you owe the government tax on that dollar. But when you spend that dollar, whoever gets it *also* owes tax on that dollar. After just four or five transactions, more imaginary tax money is owed based on that dollar than the value of that $1.

Oddly enough, this tax rebate does not create imaginary money, because it is, and remains, “real” money, at least as far as the old definition went. Full faith and credit of the US government.

Which is worth as little or as much as you want.

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