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Aviation Humor

Posted on 10/08/2002 6:00:35 PM PDT by Gamecock

Aviation Humor

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: airforce; navy
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To: HairOfTheDog
Ping in case you haven't seen this...
41 posted on 10/08/2002 8:16:38 PM PDT by Ramius
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To: Gamecock
bump
42 posted on 10/08/2002 8:19:27 PM PDT by tutstar
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To: Gamecock
Came across this story a while back ...

This is the actual first-person account of a U.S. Forest Service employee who was a passenger in a Hiller 12E helicopter when the collective control linkage became disconnected at the rotor hub and the aircraft started an uncontrollable climb. The passenger climbed out of the airborne helo, managed to reconnect the linkage using the awl of a Leatherman Tool, and held the makeshift repair in place until the chopper could land safety. Incredible but true!

Not funny, but pretty amazing.

43 posted on 10/08/2002 8:21:35 PM PDT by fnord
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To: Gamecock
Better to be on the ground wishing you were in the air than in the air wishing you were on the ground.
44 posted on 10/08/2002 8:29:17 PM PDT by DuncanWaring
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To: Ramius; Inge_CAV
I hadn't seen it! Thanks for the ping!

Mr. Wrightism:
"Push the stick forward... trees get bigger
Pull the stick back... trees get smaller
Pull the stick back too far... trees get bigger again."
45 posted on 10/08/2002 8:31:38 PM PDT by HairOfTheDog
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To: HairOfTheDog
Yahderhey... some good ones that I hadn't seen before.

The only thing in the world more arrogant than a Naval aviator is a Coast Guard Helicopter pilot. Screwball bunch, those. I remember one that had a thing for chasing eagles around the fjords in Alaska. Total nutball.

I was in an H65A Dolphin with him once. Ordinary flight up to the point where he yells "EAGLE!!" into the david clarks. Immediately begins a nasty upside-down sort of rolling maneuver to get on the six of an otherwise harmless and majestic symbol of America. Poor bastard eagle never had to dogfight a helo before, decided to head for the hard deck and lose the big bad red bird in the tree tops. Didn't work. Pilot was plain crazy. Chased that bird all the way up the fjord, dodging trees and rocks all the way at something less than rotor-width distance from either. My favorite part of any flight with that guy was the landing.
46 posted on 10/08/2002 8:50:48 PM PDT by Ramius
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To: Gamecock
Those are funny! Only a few I've heard before - thanks for the laugh!
47 posted on 10/08/2002 8:50:56 PM PDT by bootless
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To: Criminal Number 18F
Thanks for the ping! Not planning to go to AOPA, even if it is down in Palm Springs. I went to PSP in 1994, where I got to pool-test some survival rafts. 90+ minutes in a heated pool, and the uncontrollable shivering I experienced afterwards, really made me respect - and fear - hypothermia!

This is the first aviation joke thread where I didn't know more than 50% of the jokes ... a plus!

48 posted on 10/08/2002 8:56:28 PM PDT by bootless
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To: snopercod
ping!
49 posted on 10/08/2002 8:56:57 PM PDT by bootless
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To: epow
Nothin to it dad, you only have to remember two things, push the yoke forward, the houses get bigger, pull it back, the houses get smaller."

And keep pulling the yoke back, and the houses get bigger again. :-)

50 posted on 10/08/2002 9:01:17 PM PDT by bootless
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To: Ramius
Heh!

I think that falls into the category of "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you!"
51 posted on 10/08/2002 9:02:21 PM PDT by HairOfTheDog
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To: Gamecock
read tomorrow
52 posted on 10/08/2002 9:36:36 PM PDT by LiteKeeper
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To: LiteKeeper; TroutStalker
It's tomorrow now...thanks and Bump for the morning crowd

TS, have a few laughs this AM

regards

alfa6 ;>}
53 posted on 10/09/2002 4:16:15 AM PDT by alfa6
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To: alfa6
Terrific! I needed some humor, thanks.
54 posted on 10/09/2002 4:56:28 AM PDT by TroutStalker
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To: Gamecock
Frontier Airlines arrival at Reagan National, 9/10/01: after a VERY hard landing, the flight attendant came up on the intercom and said, "Now let's get this straight, folks. That wasn't the pilot's fault, that wasn't the copilot's fault, it wasn't the maintenance crew's fault, and it wasn't the airplane's fault. That, ladies and gentlemen, was the asphalt."

Actual gripes and responses I saw over the years:

"IFF does not work."
"System normally does not work with switch in O-F-F position."

"Static on radio at altitude."
"Could not duplicate on ground."

"Dead bugs on windshield."
"Live bugs on order from supply."

"Aircraft made unusual noise in (deleted) G turn at 540 KIAS."
"Sound traced to partial failure of main wing spar due to extreme over-G condition. Thank God the engineers at MacAir knew some pilot would be crazy enough to try this."

55 posted on 10/09/2002 5:16:07 AM PDT by Poohbah
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To: bootless
Thanks. Great thread.
56 posted on 10/09/2002 5:26:11 AM PDT by snopercod
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To: Gamecock; Polybius
<< "Yah, yah, dat is right, but these Fokkers vas flyin' Messerschmitts!"

Now that is a funny joke. >>

Yep.

HehHehHeh ....

Was in 1914, too.

When it first made the rounds of every RFC Officers' Mess.
57 posted on 10/09/2002 7:04:30 AM PDT by Brian Allen
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To: dalereed; Gamecock; B4Ranch
<< "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."

I'm alive today because I did just that. >>

Only once?

Piker!

HehHehHeh
58 posted on 10/09/2002 7:09:36 AM PDT by Brian Allen
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To: B4Ranch
<< Pinging you for some laughs. How's everything? >>

Pretty good, thanks. Son thing we talked about is a bit sad, still and am still an average 9,500 miles FRom home on a good day -- but am on my last overseas deal and home for good by the middle of next year.

And: Man! Am I looking forward to that!

How's it with you?

Warm FReegards -- Brian
59 posted on 10/09/2002 7:21:43 AM PDT by Brian Allen
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To: Larry Lucido
I actually landed a LearJet on a carrier deck in MS Flight Simulator. Of course, I had to drown 100 LearJets getting it right.

Hey, that's my trick ! ! (Ain't it great ??) But first you have buzz Alcatraz and fly it under the Golden Gate Bridge. LOL

60 posted on 10/09/2002 7:55:45 AM PDT by MickMan51
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