Posted on 10/17/2002 10:39:58 AM PDT by RetiredArmy
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
Dear Concerned Citizen
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard and heeded here in Washington.
You will be please to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, I will be announcing today the creation of a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called “Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers,” or LARK.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one Al Qaeda terrorist under your personal care. Your very own personal terrorist detainee has already been selected and will be arriving at your home under heavy armed guard next Monday. His name is Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud, but you can just call him Ahmed. He is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment to my office.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those standards you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Ahmed’s meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be “one-handed” foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses that hand to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard). But look on the bright side .. no increased toilet paper expenses.
Ahmed generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your own personal detainee has a terribly bad case of body lice that we have been unable to completely remedy.
Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee’s portable cage: “Does not play well with others.” Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your liberal sensitivity to what you described as his “attitudinal problem” will help him overcome these antisocial character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
Ahmed will, given a chance, bit you. We have included a copy of his latest rabies test, which showed negative results.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish a human life with simple household items such as a pencil or nail clippers. We suggest that you refrain from asking him to demonstrate these skills for your morning coffee klatch.
Ahmed is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons. To facilitate this education you may wish to have several copies of the Q’uran available for his use.
Oh – and rest assured that Ahmed absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. Roasted will be fine, but dog-kabob works perfectly well.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think that watching over each other’s shoulder is such a good way for people to interact. So, we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business in the next few days, just to help you do your job better.
Please, don’t be concerned that our federal observation team has the power to close your business, seize your property and arrest you for any violation of 4,850,750 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They are really there to help and to make sure you do everything in the proper way.
Thanks again for this opportunity to interact with such a valued and compassionate member of the American family. You take good hear of Ahmed, you hear? And let us know when you think he is ready to be released into American society.
Very truly yours,
George W. Bush
Nah--they would both like that too much.
Yesterday O'Ego proclaimed that the sniper "no way is an Arab terrorist." The guy is certainly no stranger to eating crow, but this meal will be particularly bitter to swallow.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.