Posted on 11/28/2002 4:02:14 AM PST by Stanbo
You might be a Clinton Rumpswab if....
You regard Bill Clinton's masturbating in the Oval Office sink to be a private matter between him and his wife but regard the details of Newt Gingrich's divorce to be legitimate public grist.
You regard Clinton's selling strategic nuclear data to the Chinese to be a matter of his keeping the door open to a nascent ally in Asia but regard Ronald Reagan's attempt to free American hostages by selling obsolete tactical weaponry to the Iranians to be among the century's most heinous crimes.
You regard Hillary Clinton's attempt to keep billing records from legitimate investigators to be evidence of her keen intellect and feisty doggedness but regard Republican doggedness in forcing her to comply with federal subpoenas to be a witch hunt.
You believe that there really does exist a picture of Bob Barr licking whipped cream off of a stripper's breasts but are convinced that Matt Drudge's picture of the 21-week old baby clutching a doctor's finger is faked.
You believe that Bill Clinton's bombing of Kosovo was carried out to stop ethnic cleansing there and was of legitimate national interest to the U.S. but believe that George Bush had no busniess in Panama.
You believe that Bill Clinton's ignoring two draft notices and reneging on a deal to enter ROTC was a legitimate response to an immoral war but you believe that George W. Bush's honorable service in the Texas Air Guard was draft dodging.
You believe that Bill Clinton's attendance at dozens of campaign fund raisers during the Kosovo operation was perfectly acceptable but that George Bush's taking his boat out for an afternoon during the Gulf War was an affront to our men in uniform.
You believe that Republicans who criticize Hillary Clinton for her attempt to socialize American medicine fear strong women but that democrats who attack Monica Lewinsky, Juanita Broadrick, Linda Tripp and Lucianne Goldberg do so only out of a sense of justice.
You believed and breathlessly defended Bill Clinton when he said "I did not have sex with that woman" but when you found out that he did, you attacked Ken Starr.
You believe that when Bill Clinton sees children suffering in places like Kosovo, he should send in the Marines but can't be bothered by the fact that he endorses a policy under which babies can be aborted -- up to and including at the time of delivery.
You believed Mike McCurry when he told you that Bill Clinton's herpes chancres are skin cancers but laughed cynically when Ronald Reagan's doctors said that he had no symptoms of Alzheimer's while he was in office.
You believe that a man who dropped out of a Rhodes scholarship is among the smartest presidents we have ever had but that a man who scored 1206 on the SAT and graduated from Yale and Harvard is a hopeless dullard.
When presented with George Bush's 1988 promise not to raise taxes, you mutter "he lied" and when presented with Bill Clinton's 1992 promise of a 10 percent tax cut you mutter "Bush lied about the size of the deficit."
When presented with proof of Bill Clinton's sexual proclivities, you yawn lazily and say, "He is no better or worse than other men. They all do it" but when presented with the fact that Newt Ginrich may have had an affair, you suddenly find yourself in a spit-spewing rage to discover that they all do it.
You regard Bill Clinton's renting the Lincoln Bedroom to the highest bidder to be a legitimate use of the White House but regard Nancy Reagan's buying some new china for the dining room to be scandalous.
You thought Ed Meese should have gone to jail for accepting some cuff links from the South Korean government but defend -- indeed praise -- Janet Reno for killing 80 Americans at Waco, Texas.
You believe that what Bill Clinton did with Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office reveals him to be a man with a normal sexual urges but believe that Ken Starr's transcribing testimony of what went on there reveals him to be a pornographer.
You believe that The Nation and American Politics Journal are respected organs of opinion but that American Spectator and National Review are right-wing smear sheet.
You believe that James Carville is just another savvy political operative trying to get his man elected but that Lee Atwater was among this country's most notorious villians for providing the same service to Ronald Reagan and George Bush.
You believe that Hillary Clinton's conversations with Elanor Roosevelt were nothing more than whimsical metaphors but that Nancy Reagan's consulting an astrologer revealed her to be an irremediable nutcase.
You believe that Ronald Regan slept through cabinet meetings and operated as a "hands off" president but regard the fact that Clinton stays out of the country a great deal of the time and has not held a cabinet meeting in a year as evidence of "hands-on, activist" leadership.
When presented with incontrovertible proof that Clinton is a hypocrite, your natural reaction is, "hypocrisy, they name is politics" but when presented with even the most outrageous rumor that George Bush may have used cocaine 30 years ago, your natural reaction is, "hypocrisy, thy name is George Walker Bush."
You believe that Ken Starr went on a wild spending spree and wasted $40 million of taxpayer money to find nothing but that Larry Walsh was niggardly with every penny the Justice Department gave him and uncovered crimes of unparalleled enormity.
You believe that Ronald Reagan just happened to be president when the USSR fell but that Bill Clinton single handedly rescued America's economy from the jaws of Reaganomics. When asked what Clinton did to resuce the economy, you change the subject to Iran/Contra, which you understand about as deeply as you understand economics.
In the aftermath of a thoroughly corrupt and forevermore disgraced presidency, you long for those heady days of early 1993, when this brilliant young presence, This Man From Hope, was dispatched by a grateful nation to rescue the Republic from the evil clutches of George Bush. And you still hold onto a fading hope, despite the corruption, despite the disgrace, despite what Bill Clinton has done to the office of the presidency and to this country, that you will one day see that sturdy jaw protruding proudly from the rock in the Black Hills of South Dakota.
You think it was fair and just that Nixon Aide Chuck Colson went to prison for having ONE stolen FBI file in his possession during the Watergate era;
but to even SUGGEST that there might be something wrong with Hillary Xlinton having over 900 FBI files in her possession PROVES you are a member of a vast right-wing conspiracy.
Sure is. Thanks.
How about Trashmore?
Happy Thanksgiving to all FReepers...
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