NEWSPAPER HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2050

email ^ | 1/22/2003 | unknown

[LakerCJL]

NEWSPAPER HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2050

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2052.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

50 year study: diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2051.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

University of Michigan creates special admissions category for white US citizen males with 4.0 high school grade-point average. ACLU threatens lawsuit.

[LakerCJL]

I did a search and found another list posted 6 months ago, but this seems quite timely now...

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[Cold Heat]

Saved for posterity...............................

[SamAdams76]

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Hey! I take that personally!

At least the Big Dig will be almost complete by then.

[Larry Lucido]

As long as we're making predictions:

In the year 2525
If man is still alive
If woman can survive
They may find...

In the year 3535
Ain't gonna need to tell the truth, tell no lies
Everything you think, do, or say
Is in the pill you took today

In the year 4545
Ain't gonna need your teeth, won't need your eyes
You won't find a thing to do
Nobody's gonna look at you

Etc. etc.

[Living Free in NH]

At least the Big Dig will be almost complete by then.

No it won't - too many jobs (read political pay-offs) are at stake.

[Phantom Lord]

Mideast Peace Talks on Verge of Collapse

[Alex Murphy]

This was great - thanks for making my afternoon!

[baseballfanjm]

LOL! Anyway, I doubt Massachusetts will ever have the death penalty. Then again, it's rather communist here so you never know.

[goodnesswins]

DAY of SUPPORT....FLY your flags (US, a British one, Hungarian, Australian and Japanese one, too if you have them)....and put up your BUSH/CHENEY signs, (and the BIG W's on your SUV's) for the STATE of the UNION next Tuesday, Jan 28th, if you support the President, our MILITARY and the United States of America. PSST....pass it on.

[duckman]

You forgot one:
"UN inspectors require a little more time to locate WMD."

[TaRaRaBoomDeAyGoreLostToday!]

LOL but could be SO TRUE

BumPing!!!

[TaRaRaBoomDeAyGoreLostToday!]

The United Nations Counsel Appoints Bill and Hillary as King and Queen of the World

Pre- globalisation studies about patriotisim in the Former Amerika's on the History channel found fascinating.

[TaRaRaBoomDeAyGoreLostToday!]

VRWC's Island Suddenly Destroyed, Fire a Mystery.

[Burkeman1]

New York Times headline 2050: "Unearthed Bones of James Carville reveal he was a reptile."

[Delbert]

UNITED NATIONS WORLD ORDER RELEASES COMMISSION REPORT ON MASS DISAPPEARANCE OF CHRISTIANS 7 YEARS AGO.

[nomorecameljocks]

"Two executed in Texas"-Tavda, the official news organization of the Texas Peoples Democratic Workers Party reports that two anglo pig males were beheaded yesterday for crimes against the people. Harry Hines of Dallas was convicted by the Peoples Court of smoking a cigarette and the ultimate punishment was deemed appropriate with the sentence carried out immediately. Paul Platt, also of Dallas was detected having counter revolutionary thoughts by the People's Thought Patrol satellite who reliably picked up the subversive signal from traitor Platt's microchip. Again, justice was swift"

[Balata]

LOL

[TaRaRaBoomDeAyGoreLostToday!]

True to the current times.

[Capt. Tom]

Letter found in attic. Jon Bene' Ramsey case to re-open. - tom