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John Kerry has a "batman." This is a British military term for what amounts to a servant - someone to take care of an officer's personal needs. In Kerry's case, it's Marvin Nicholson Jr., who keeps the Massachusetts senator in peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches and bottled water. This, though, is the wrong man for the wrong task. What Kerry really needs is someone to slip him gags. He may be the presumptive nominee, but he is an objective pill.

MIDI - BREAD AND BUTTER La la la la la I like peanut butter and strawberry jam Hey, have I told you lately I served in Vietnam I love Swedish hand cream...my manservant knows And everywhere that I am...my Scope mouthwash goes I like peanut butter and strawberry jam Hey, have I told you lately I served in Vietnam Loose change in his pockets or he knows I'd flip That's what I need when I must leave a meager tip I like peanut butter and strawberry jam Hey, have I told you lately I served in Vietnam I need...

Kerry family's deep pockets on display this election cycle By Howie Carr Recent Columns by Howie Carr Friday, April 30, 2004 How much would you pay for a bicycle? Is seven grand too much? Not as much as John Kerry [related, bio], I daresay, now that we know, thanks to a front-page story about his butler in The New York Times, that he owns a Serotta bike. The Serotta, see, is custom-made, with the ``holistic (whole-cyclist) approach to bicycle fitting.'' Translation: It's very expensive. How expensive, you ask. Serotta's ``price points'' are between $1,800 and $5,000 - just for the...

Time to consider the appropriate running mate for John Kerry on the Democratic ticket. All political partisanship must be set aside. America is at war. These are serious times, making the vice presidency of even greater moment than ever. As Senator Kerry would have everyone believe, oh, woe is we: America’s population is unemployed, flat on its butt. Its citizens are held in the thrall of the filthy-rich (except for Kerry and the missus). Cut-and-run corporations (it’s unpatriotic to mention Heinz-Kerry ketchup kitchens) outsource jobs to foreign lands. The armed forces (micromanaged from a tool shed outside Crawford, Texas) are...

A Gentleman’s VPJohn L. PerryMonday, May 3, 2004 Time to consider the appropriate running mate for John Kerry on the Democratic ticket. All political partisanship must be set aside. America is at war. These are serious times, making the vice presidency of even greater moment than ever. As Senator Kerry would have everyone believe, oh, woe is we: America’s population is unemployed, flat on its butt. Its citizens are held in the thrall of the filthy-rich (except for Kerry and the missus). Cut-and-run corporations (it’s unpatriotic to mention Heinz-Kerry ketchup kitchens) outsource jobs to foreign lands. The armed forces...

A perusal of Lord Effin's tax return shows no indication of the $45,000/yr salary paid to his valet/gofer. Is it paid by Missus Ketchup? If so is it an illegal campaign contribution? If Te-REY-sa doesn't foot the bill, do the taxpayers? (i.e. is the servant part of his senate staff). Is it ethical for Effin to utilize/abuse public resources this way?Should Effin resign his Senate seat because he hasn't shown up for work in over a year?

How much would you pay for a bicycle? Is seven grand too much? Not as much as John Kerry [related, bio], I daresay, now that we know, thanks to a front-page story about his butler in The New York Times, that he owns a Serotta bike. The Serotta, see, is custom-made, with the ``holistic (whole-cyclist) approach to bicycle fitting.'' Translation: It's very expensive. How expensive, you ask. Serotta's ``price points'' are between $1,800 and $5,000 - just for the frame, mind you, if you want extras, like gears and titanium spokes, tack on another $2,000 - which raises the question:...

Australia was privy to the phone-tapping operation on the United Nations figures Kofi Annan and Hans Blix before the Iraq war, receiving transcripts under the intelligence-sharing arrangement with the US and Britain. And the bugging was almost certainly undertaken - at least in part - by spy satellites linked with the Pine Gap relay station outside Alice Springs, an intelligence source told the Herald. A diplomatic scandal has erupted over the bugging, and yesterday the former UN weapons inspector Richard Butler revealed he was the victim of clandestine phone taps and surveillance when he was working in Iraq. The Foreign...

(Participating were Paul Butler, principal deputy assistant secretary of defense for special operations and low intensity conflict, and Army Maj. Gen. Geoffrey D. Miller, commander, Joint Task Force Guantanamo.) Bryan Whitman [deputy assistant secretary of defense for public affairs (media operations)]: Good afternoon and thank you for joining us this afternoon. As most of you know, the secretary of Defense is in Miami today and has just spoken to the Miami Chamber of Commerce. And he touched upon the importance and the progress that's being made in the global war on terror and discussed the importance of our detainee operations...

Activist — An article in Monday's Section A included incorrect information about animal rights activist Virgil Butler. It said that Butler took part in the U.S. invasion of Panama, where he recalled killing enemy soldiers, but the Army has no record of his service. The article stated that Butler shot a man to death in the parking lot of a bar and went to prison for manslaughter. In fact, he was convicted of felony burglary, and the shooting could not be confirmed. The article said Butler killed 80,000 birds a shift at a Tyson poultry plant. He did not slaughter...

SYNOPSIS: Microbiologist Thomas Butler faces 69 criminal charges in federal court, including lying to the FBI about 30 vials of plague bacteria that went missing from his laboratory at Texas Tech. If convicted on all counts, he could be fined $17 million and be sentenced to up to 469 years in prison. Allies in the scientific community say that Butler is the victim of prosecutorial overkill. But the government says Butler broke rules designed to protect the nation against bioterrorism. Observers say the outcome could have a big impact on life science researchers working with potentially dangerous agents. ***** It...

Ex-royal butler Paul Burrell today revealed he would never have written his controversial book if he had received "just one phone call" from the Royal Family. The former servant also said he would love to give Princes William and Harry "a piece of his mind" and told them to "grow up". The latest attack from Mr Burrell is certain to deepen the row with Buckingham Palace after the royal brothers accused him of a "cold and overt betrayal" of their mother. And the war of words is set to heat up tomorrow when Mr Burrell's revelations about his former boss,...

<p>HAYDEN, Idaho (AP) -- The people of Hayden can't seem to rid themselves of neo-Nazi Richard Butler.</p> <p>The founder of the Aryan Nations lost his compound outside of town to bankruptcy several years ago, but moved into a Hayden house bought by a supporter. Now Butler is running for mayor of this town of 9,000, linking Hayden in the public mind once more with his anti-Semitic, white separatist views.</p>

SYDNEY (AFP) - Former chief UN weapons inspector Richard Butler backed US claims Tuesday that Syria helped conceal Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, saying he saw evidence of it. The former Australian diplomat said he had seen intelligence when he headed the UN team in Iraq from 1997 until 1999 which seemed to indicate Syria had helped keep Iraq's weapons of mass destruction hidden. "I was shown some intelligence information, from overhead imagery and so on, that the Iraqis had moved some containers of stuff across the border into Syria," Butler told ABC Radio. "We had reason to believe...

A SURPRISING DEFENCE It is true that a man who believed things completely contrary to the convictions of today's fundamental preachers and educators could be exalted and defended by them. Of course, I believe this is done primarily because our fundamental brethren know little of what either Dr. Westcott or Dr. Hort really believed and taught.

Diana once turned up to meet a lover naked except for a fur coat and earrings, and was on first-name terms with a number of London prostitutes. Expect more revelations as Paul Burrell's story continues to emerge, says Stephen Dodd PAUL Burrell looks up to people for a living. He looked up to the Queen he says he still does and peered from depths of humility towards Diana's giddy summit. If deference ever became an Olympic event, Paul Burrell would be crawling for England. Last week, the world's spotlight shifted below stairs and pointed squarely in the direction of the...

Britain's Princess Diana was at one stage prepared to convert to Islam, according to the mother of the Pakistani surgeon she was supposed to be in love with. Nahid Khan, Lahore-based mother of heart surgeon Hasnat Khan, is quoted in the British media as saying, "Everyone knew she wanted to marry him, but he felt it would be impossible. He said 'we would not be able to go anywhere together. Our cultures are so different'. Perhaps this is why she wanted to become a Muslim. She said she had made a decision that would shock the world." Diana's relationship with...

UK Princess Diana butler case collapses By Nikki Tait, Law Courts correspondent Published: November 1 2002 13:21 | Last Updated: November 1 2002 13:21 Paul Burrell, former royal butler and aide to Diana, Princess of Wales, was on Friday found not guilty, on all three counts, of stealing from the estate of the princess, the Prince of Wales and Prince William. The dramatic collapse of the Burrell trial at the Old Bailey followed revelations that the former butler had told the Queen in a private conversation following Diana's death that he had kept some of the princess's possessions for safe-keeping....

  Easy investment not meant to beArticle Courtesy of Houston Chronicle   Easy investment not meant to be Easy investment not meant to be By THOM MARSHALL Copyright 2001 Houston Chronicle Maybe you can relate to this: I hear about other people reaping spectacular rewards on investments, but when I get wind of some amazing deal in the works, something always happens. For example, I recently got a lead on a house scheduled for public auction that might have been an amazing deal. You could move into it or rent it out like the current owner has been doing. The only hitch was that...