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Articles Posted by John Semmens

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  • Millions Urge Leniency for Singh [semi-satire]

    09/01/2025 9:45:01 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 August 2025 | John Semmens
    Harjinder Singh, the illegal immigrant truck driver who made a left turn across a lane of traffic on the Florida Turnpike in order to use "an official vehicles only" cut through to traffic running in the opposite direction and caused a crash that killed a family of three, was the beneficiary of a petition signed by more than 2.5 million urging Florida officials to show leniency toward him. One of the signers cited the case of Jaskirat Singh Sidhu, an Indian immigrant truck driver who sped through a stop sign at nearly 60 mph and slammed into a bus killing...
  • RFK Quells Vax Mutiny [semi-satire]

    08/31/2025 9:59:20 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 August 2025 | John Semmens
    Secretary of Health & Human Services (HHS) Robert F Kennedy's decision to revise the Center for Disease Control (CDC) regulations for the covid vaccine so rankled CDC Director Susan Monarez and her staff that they publicly criticized his decision. Monarez contends that "the successful launch of the mRNA vaccines during the pandemic saved millions of lives. The Secretary's decision to take these vaccines off the list of inoculations that children must receive to enter schools is unwarranted." Kennedy pointed out that "these vaccines bypassed the normal drug approval process. They were never properly tested for safety or effectiveness prior to...
  • Crime Crackdown Success Rankles Dems [semi-satire]

    08/30/2025 10:06:15 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 August 2025 | John Semmens
    The success of President Trump's crackdown on DC crime is impressing the majority of Americans. Vice President JD Vance observed "this town averaged one murder every other day for the last 20-30 years, which means in two short weeks the president and his team have saved six or seven lives. People who would have been killed on the streets of DC are now living, breathing, and spending time with their families because the president had the willpower to say no more, we're not going to give the streets of DC over to vagrants and robbers and murderers." A recent Harvard...
  • Deranged Gunman Slaughters Praying Children [semi-satire]

    08/29/2025 11:49:59 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 August 2025 | John Semmens
    This week, a person who was "tired of being trans" opened fire on praying students at the Annunciation Catholic School in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Two children were killed and 17 others were wounded. The killer's manifesto complained "gender and weed f**ked up my head. I wish I never tried experimenting with either. Don't let your kids smoke weed or change gender until they are like seventeen." The heinous crime sparked outrage among many public officials. Mayor Jacob Frey (D) warned "the most important thing is that we not blame the 'trans community' for this tragedy." He insisted that "anti-trans hate is...
  • ODNI Budget Cut by 50% [semi-satire]

    08/25/2025 9:58:20 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 August 2025 | John Semmens
    This week, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard announced a dramatic reduction in expenditures for the agency she's head of. She characterized the cuts as "the start of a new era focused on serving our country, fulfilling our core national security mission with excellence, always grounded in the US Constitution, and ensuring the safety, security, and freedom of the American people." Senior ODNI officials who assisted in the months-long mission review stressed that the review was "incredibly thoughtful and thorough. It specifically took into account the feedback from staff who Director Gabbard encouraged to come to her with ideas on...
  • This Week's Outrageous Rulings by Judges [semi-satire]

    08/24/2025 9:58:19 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 August 2025 | John Semmens
    US District Judge Sparkle Sooknanan blocked the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) from investigating Media Matters for America's targeting of conservative media outlets and personalities in an attempt to put them out of business on the grounds that "exposing Media Matters' tactics to public scrutiny would undermine their effectiveness. Efforts to get advertisers to stop placing ads on conservative media outlets is a very potent strategy for countering the propaganda of these outlets. The right to use this strategy is protected by the First Amendment." US District Judge Kathleen Williams ordered "Alligator Alcatraz" to be torn down on the grounds that...
  • Illegal Immigrant Kills Three [semi-satire]

    08/23/2025 11:09:12 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 August 2025 | John Semmens
    In April, illegal Harjinder Singh made an illegal u-turn on a Florida turnpike and caused a crash that killed three occupants of a minivan in the lane to the left of his semi-truck. Hoping to bolster his chances of running for president in 2028, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) pointed out that "Trump was president when Singh illegally entered the US. His failure to secure the border enabled this tragedy to occur." What Newsom failed to mention was that it was California that illegally granted Singh a commercial driver's license. When Singh was tested for English language proficiency by the Federal...
  • Plunge in DC Crime Outrages Dems [semi-satire]

    08/23/2025 12:17:55 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 August 2025 | John Semmens
    After arguing that Washington DC crime rates were not excessive, Democrats were outraged that the increase in federal law-enforcement efforts in the city has significantly reduced crime. "Since national guard troops and federal law-enforcement officers began patrolling the streets crime has sharply declined," President Trump declared. "This last week was the first week without a homicide in as long as anyone can remember. Carjackings decreased by 83%, robberies by 46%, and overall violent crime is down 22%. I'm thinking that a similar approach for other high-crime cities would be effective." DC Attorney General Brian Schwalb claimed "the deployment of more...
  • Donor Irked by Bike Lane [semi-satire]

    08/18/2025 9:32:40 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 August 2025 | John Semmens
    Jay Cashman, a multi-million dollar donor to the campaign of Boston Mayor Michelle Wu, isn't pleased with the placement of a new bike lane next to his $19 million mansion. Cashman contends that "these new bike lanes will decrease safety, eliminate too many parking spaces, lead to more traffic congestion, and lead to slower response times for emergency vehicles." Mayor Wu asserts that "bike lanes make roads safer. Crashes have declined by 51% on streets where bikers and drivers are separated by posts or other barriers. They also make it more convenient and affordable for those who can't afford to...
  • Judge Exempts Antifa from Noise Ordinance [semi-satire]

    08/17/2025 10:36:50 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 August 2025 | John Semmens
    Resident Cloud Elvengrail filed a complaint that "the 24-hour Antifa occupation outside the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) facility in South Portland is disturbing the peace. Every day for months I've had to endure around the clock loud and shrill noises. It's pure torture. I want the police to enforce the City's anti-noise codes." Elvengrail also complained of harassment and and intimidation. Other witnesses from the neighborhood corroborated her testimony, saying they "didn't feel safe." Video evidence of assaults on federal agents, members of the media and residents, as well as arson attacks on the ICE facility were also...
  • VP Breaks the Law [semi-satire]

    08/16/2025 9:30:23 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 August 2025 | John Semmens
    While on a mission to conduct diplomatic discussions in the United Kingdom earlier this month, US Vice-President JD Vance and his children went fishing with British Foreign Secretary David Lammy. Both Vance and his children broke the law because they didn't have a fishing license. Lammy called the lack of a license "an administrative error, which I made up for it by purchasing it later." Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif) called for an investigation, saying "this latest example of lawbreaking by a member of the Trump Administration must not go unpunished. That the Vice-President of the United States of America would...
  • Mixed Reactions to Crackdown on DC Crime [semi-satire]

    08/15/2025 11:07:42 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 August 2025 | John Semmens
    Using powers authorized by the Home Rule Act, President Trump ordered the deployment of National Guard troops, FBI agents, and other federal law-enforcement officers to patrol the streets of Washington DC. This move has been met with mixed reactions. Citing a similar protest where Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) called attention to Israeli atrocities against Hamas by banging a pot, Free DC Project Campaign Director Alex Dodds urged supporters to "bang pots and pans every night until this occupation by an invading army is ended. We will multiply Rep. Tlaib's effort by a thousand fold. Everyone in the city will hear...
  • Gerrymander Controversy Erupts [semi-satire]

    08/11/2025 6:48:02 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 August 2025 | John Semmens
    In Texas, the Republican majority in the legislature wants to redraw the boundaries of several congressional districts. Democrats are boycotting the legislature in an attempt to prevent this outcome. The Republican majority has issued arrest warrants, but the boycotters have taken refuge outside the jurisdiction of the warrants. Some fled to Massachusetts and others to Illinois. The current number of Texas' congressional seats held by each Party are 25 for Republicans to 12 for Democrats (a 68% to 32% edge for Republicans over Democrats). If the Republican redistricting plan goes through it is projected to change the ratio to 30...
  • Census Errors to Be Corrected [semi-satire]

    08/10/2025 9:58:52 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 August 2025 | John Semmens
    The US Census Bureau has admitted that it made some serious errors in its 2020 counts. There were significant under-counts in Republican-leaning states like Florida (-3.48%) and Texas (-1.92%), while blue states such as New York (+3.44%) and Rhode Island (+5.05%) were over-counted. These miscounts led to an incorrect apportionment of House seats and Electoral College votes. To correct these errors President Trump said "I instructed our Department of Commerce to immediately begin work on a new and highly accurate census based on modern-day facts and figures. Since the Constitution requires the census for the purpose of apportioning the membership...
  • Iran Executes Nuclear Scientist [semi-satire]

    08/09/2025 5:33:53 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 August 2025 | John Semmens
    Golem Salami, spokesman for Iran's Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps, announced that Rouzbeh Vadi, one of Iran's top nuclear scientists, was hanged this week. "The fact that Vadi was not taken out by the Israeli air attacks like our six other nuclear scientists were raised our suspicions," Salami said. "Vadi was arrested and interrogated. Despite the rigorous torture applied by our best experts he would not confess. However, our offer to spare his family from execution if he would admit to being a spy for the Mossad persuaded him to admit his guilt. We are also pleased to confirm the arrest...
  • Federal EV Fiasco [semi-satire]

    08/06/2025 9:58:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 August 2025 | John Semmens
    Former President Biden's Infrastructure Investment and Jobs Act (IIJA) of 2021 appropriated $7.5 billion for the National Electric Vehicle Infrastructure Formula (NEVI) and the Charging and Fueling Infrastructure Discretionary Grant Program (CFI). Four years later all the money has been spent but only 384 EV charging stations have been built. That averages out at $19 million per station. The Trump Administration is refusing to commit any more funds to either NEVI or CFI. Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy insisted that "it's time we stop wasting the taxpayers' money on this stuff. EVs are too expensive to compete against gasoline-fueled vehicles."...
  • "Justifiable Assault & Battery" [semi-satire]

    08/05/2025 10:02:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 August 2025 | John Semmens
    The beating of two whites by a mob of Blacks after the Cincinnati Jazz Festival was called "justified" by the City's Police Chief Terri Theetge. "Look, the two white individuals provoked the assault," she said. "First, the concert they all attended was a jazz concert. Jazz is Black music--invented by and for Black folks. The white folks were engaging in cultural appropriation by intruding on turf that didn't belong to them." "Second, the beatings were video taped by numerous individuals at the scene," Theetge pointed out. "This intrusion into police business precludes our opportunity to say there that isn't enough...
  • Canadian PM Warns Trump [semi-satire]

    08/04/2025 10:10:03 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 August 2025 | John Semmens
    Citing Canada's plans to recognize a Palestinian state and the persistence of fentanyl smuggling over the border, President Trump imposed a 35% tariff on goods shipped into the US from Canada. "As it is now, Hamas bombards Israel whenever it wants to," Trump asserted. "Establishing it as a Palestinian state will only worsen the situation. Canada needs to be more responsible." Prime Minister Mark Carney took offense, saying "Canada's government is making historic investments in border security to arrest drug traffickers, take down transnational gangs, and end migrant smuggling. These include thousands of new law enforcement and border security officers,...
  • States Sue Trump Over Transgender Care [semi-satire]

    08/03/2025 10:26:55 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 August 2025 | John Semmens
    On January 28, President Trump issued an executive order declaring that "it is our policy to not fund, sponsor, promote, assist, or support gender transition for people under 19. As such, we will discontinue federal funding to medical institutions that provide this type of care and the Secretary of Health and Human Services, as appropriate and consistent with applicable law, shall rigorously enforce all laws that prohibit or limit these destructive and life-altering procedures." California, Connecticut, Illinois, Massachusetts, New York, Pennsylvania, Delaware, the District of Columbia, Hawaii, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, New Mexico, Rhode Island and Wisconsin are...
  • Judge Blocks Ending Temporary Protected Status for Migrants [semi-satire]

    08/02/2025 10:00:32 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 August 2025 | John Semmens
    Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Kristi Noem's effort to end the Temporary Protected Status (TPS) of tens of thousands of migrants in the United States from Honduras, Nicaragua, and Nepal was challenged by the Soros-funded National Day Laborer Organizing Network on the grounds that "they are being targeted because they are non-white, non-Europeans." Noem defended the plan to end TPS saying "this temporary program was established by an executive order issued by President Clinton. The premise used to justify TPS was that these illegal immigrants faced significant risk of harm if they were deported to their home countries. Whether...