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Articles Posted by John Semmens

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  • Housing a "Necessary Right" Says Congresswoman [semi-satire]

    10/18/2017 11:18:20 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) declared "it is everyone's human right to have a suitable house to live in. Life, liberty and pursuit of happiness mean nothing if you don't have a decent place to live." Waters demanded that Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson "implement a program that provides a house to everyone that needs it. For too long access to a decent home has depended on the ability of individuals to afford to pay for it and maintain it. This is an injustice when we have the means to solve this problem." Part of the Congresswoman's reasoning cited...
  • Twitter Blocks Candidate’s Mention of “Aborted Baby Parts” [semi-satire]

    10/17/2017 11:16:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    A tweet from Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) that mentioned Planned Parenthood’s sales of aborted baby parts led to Twitter blocking a campaign ad in her bid for a US Senate seat in her state. Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey labeled Blackburn’s tweet “inflammatory and likely to evoke a strong negative reaction. On the one hand, there’s the woman who already has to deal with the emotionally difficult decision to terminate her pregnancy. Awareness that her baby might be cannibalized and sold for parts like a junked car would add unnecessary trauma to that decision.” “On the other hand, there is potential...
  • Carter Offers Self as “Human Shield” [semi-satire]

    10/16/2017 10:52:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    This week, former US President Jimmy Carter offered himself to North Korea’s communist government to “act as a human shield against an attack by the Trump Administration” contending that “even a madman like Trump would surely pull back if he knew an innocent American’s life was at stake.” Fortunately for the ex-president, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un rebuffed the offer. “Our might is supreme,” Kim boasted. “We have no need for shields—human or otherwise. Mr. Carter, like all of my enemies, will die at a time and place of my choosing. Even those who to attempt to hide like my...
  • Clintons Should Run Puerto Rico Relief Effort [semi-satire]

    10/15/2017 9:42:17 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Former presidential candidate and Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean criticized the Trump Administration’s handling of post-hurricane relief efforts for the island of Puerto Rico. While the federal government has delivered massive amounts of supplies to the island it has not been uniformly successful in getting them distributed to those in need. Part of the hang-up has been local politicians laying claim to supplies. Another part has been unions seeking higher pay for transporting the supplies locally. Dean’s proposed solution: “let the Clinton Foundation take over from here. They have the know how and a demonstrated history of success. When...
  • Presidential Library Won’t Include Obama Documents [semi-satire]

    10/15/2017 2:34:50 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    The Obama Presidential Library revealed that it won’t be providing any original documents written by Obama. Instead of having the former president’s manuscripts, documents and letters from his tenure in office—items presidential centers around the country all have—the Obama Library will have space for outdoor functions and picnics, a basketball court, recording studio, sledding hill, children’s play garden, and more. The decision has scholars puzzled and disappointed. University of Chicago Professor of Black Studies Richard Buttkiss could hardly contain his dismay that “the written words of the greatest man to ever walk the Earth will not be available for historians...
  • Trump Revises Obamacare Rules [semi-satire]

    10/14/2017 4:34:52 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    This week President Trump made some administrative revisions to the Affordable Care Act health insurance program. Using latitude granted to the president in the original legislation, Trump issued an executive action that allows individuals more choices in how to insure themselves. This expansion of choice was denounced by key Democrats. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) called Trump's move "a stab in the back. Allowing people more choices is the exact opposite of what is needed if the changes made by Obamacare are to be made permanent. People will choose selfishly. They will only buy coverage they think they need....
  • Judge Bars Cooperation with Commission on Election Integrity [semi-satire]

    10/09/2017 1:43:40 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Judge Tim Sulak, a Democrat who serves on the 353rd District Court located in Travis County, Texas filed a restraining order blocking the Secretary of State from turning over voter registration information to President Donald Trump’s Advisory Commission on Election Integrity. Texas law requires the Secretary of State to release the information to any person or organization that fills out the form, pays the fee and signs an affidavit certifying that the information will not be used for commercial purposes. In his ruling Sulak maintained that “the entire Trump Administration is nothing more that a gigantic marketing campaign to sell...
  • Lawyer Says Dems Ordered Falsification of Records [semi-satire]

    10/08/2017 10:27:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Democratic National Committee IT aide Imran Awan has been indicted for bank fraud and is suspected of pilfering computer equipment and selling classified materials to the highest bidders. Aaron Page, one of his lawyers says that his Democratic congressional employers told him to falsify records in order to conceal how they were spending public funds. The alleged falsification scheme entailed bogus invoices showing a expensive equipment incorrectly inventoried at under $500 in value, but with an attached "service plan" to compensate the vendor for the full cost of the item. Later these items frequently disappeared because items listed as under...
  • Serial Sexual Harasser Sees Right-Wing Conspiracy [semi-satire]

    10/07/2017 3:36:46 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Hollywood big shot Harvey Weinstein took a hint from his good friend Hillary Clinton and blamed a vast right-wing conspiracy for a recent New York Times article detailing his long history as a serial sexual harasser. Hurt that his generous donations to Democratic politicians and payoffs to his victims weren’t sufficient to suppress this information, the bloated movie mogul lamented that his reputation may have been “irretrievably damaged.” “The unfairness of it all just boggles my mind,” Weinstein admitted. “Others have done far worse and come away smelling like a rose. Bill Clinton raped a woman and committed perjury, but...
  • IRS Gives Contract to Equifax [semi-satire]

    10/07/2017 9:46:32 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Despite a hack of its database that exposed the personal information of 145 million of its customers, the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) granted a no-bid $7.5 million contract to Equifax. Under the terms of the contract the company will handle the personal information of millions of taxpayers. Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) called the contract "bad on so many levels. What kind of fool trusts a firm that has just experienced a huge data breach to handle more of the same kind of data? On top of this, the 'no-bid' process evades procurement guidelines calling for competitive bids from multiple firms....
  • Massacre in Vegas Spurs Gun Control Effort [semi-satire]

    10/06/2017 7:09:59 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Like clockwork, the murderous rampage in which a sniper shot more than 500 people, killing 58 of them, from a Las Vegas high-rise hotel last Sunday has inspired renewed calls for gun control legislation. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) called for "Republicans to join Democrats in order to pass legislation that will once-and-for-all disarm those who have no need for guns." From what we know about the alleged shooter it seems unlikely that any gun legislation would be effective in deterring this type of crime. After all, murder is already illegal and carries the most severe penalties under existing...
  • Special Counsel Declines to Pursue Evidence of Obama Crimes [semi-satire]

    10/04/2017 2:43:47 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    While Special Counsel Robert Mueller has yet to uncover any evidence of a Trump-Russia plot to steal last year’s presidential election, he has turned up disturbing incidents of the Obama Administration’s illegal spying on American citizens and lying under oath. However, it is unlikely that anything will come of these findings since, as Mueller explains, “whatever misdeeds may or may not have been committed by members of the previous administration are not part of my mandate. My mission is to prove collusion between Trump’s people and agents of the Russian government. For me to go outside of my mission mandate...
  • Governor Approves Medicaid for Abortions [semi-satire]

    10/03/2017 11:44:18 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    This week, Illinois Gov. Bruce Rauner (R) signed legislation authorizing tax money to be used to fund abortions for poor people. This reversed a position he announced last April against such funding, but honors his 2014 campaign pledge "to ensure that poor mothers have the same ability to terminate unwanted children that their richer sisters have." Rauner brushed aside Republican arguments that individuals morally opposed to the murder of unborn children shouldn't be forced to finance it through taxes, saying that "individual matters of conscience cannot be permitted to impede the collective will of the people. I was elected on...
  • Operation “Safe City” Nets Nearly 500 Illegals [semi-satire]

    10/02/2017 12:08:44 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) teams made 498 arrests in “sanctuary cities” this past week as part of an enforcement action dubbed “safe city.” Those arrested included 317 people with criminal convictions, 68 immigration fugitives, 104 people who had previously been deported and 18 known gang members. Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney (D) denounced the ICE raids as “an infringement on our city’s sovereignty. We gave our word to these undocumented immigrants that they would be safe from arrest in our jurisdiction. Now we look like fools.” The Mayor vowed legal action “to reverse this egregious miscarriage of justice. We’re...
  • Dems Assail Trump’s NFL Comments [semi-satire]

    10/01/2017 10:39:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    President Trump’s objection to NFL players refusing to stand for the playing of the National Anthem prior to the start of their football games spurred outrage among assorted Democrats. Democratic Coalition chairman Jon Cooper maintained that Trump’s statement that “the sons of bitches who won’t stand for the Anthem ought to be fired” violates federal law. “It’s pretty clear that the president saying someone ought to be fired is a crime,” Cooper said. “This crime carries a penalty of 15 years in prison.” Despite the lack of any mention of race in Trump’s remarks, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) insisted that...
  • China Cracks Down on Toilet Paper Abuses [semi-satire]

    09/30/2017 11:10:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    Concerned that its citizens might be using too much toilet paper, the government of China is installing facial recognition technology in its public restrooms. If the same person tries to obtain more than his or her allotted four squares of toilet tissue per visit the computer will recognize the face and withhold any additional paper. Chinese Minister of Public Facilities Hu Du Dung explained that "four squares is an adequate amount for any socially responsible person. It is four times the amount the Japanese allowed to their POWs during World War II. Any attempt to use more is theft from...
  • Trump Tax Plan "Death Blow" to High-Tax States [semi-satire]

    09/29/2017 3:23:50 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Oct 2017 | John Semmens
    A feature of the Trump Administration's proposed tax reform plan that has stirred fear among governors of high-tax states is the elimination of deductions for state income and property taxes. New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) called it a "death blow" for his state. "New York has traditionally relied on high taxes to fund the services we provide for our population," the Governor pointed out. "Resistance to these tax high rates has been moderated by the fact that deductions from federal taxes has helped pass some of the burden onto to states that have lower taxes. If we lose that...
  • MSNBC Scoffs at Idea Media Favored Clinton in Election [semi-satire]

    09/26/2017 10:54:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Sep 2017 | John Semmens
    The host of MSNBC's "Morning Joe" news and commentary show—Joe Scarborough—defended defeated presidential candidate Hillary Clinton's claim that a "hostile media" was a significant factor in her loss to Donald Trump last year. "As I recall, the media treatment of Secretary Clinton was pretty damn hostile," he remembered. "Take that whole email thing. It could've, and probably should've, been deep-sixed considering how the election turned out. But a misplaced concern for the facts—no matter how harmful they might've been to her chances—led to the unnecessary publication of news regarding her extraordinarily careless handling of classified documents." "Morning Joe" panelist and...
  • RINO Stampede May Doom Graham/Cassidy Health Bill [semi-satire]

    09/25/2017 12:07:51 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Sep 2017 | John Semmens
    Despite being fellow GOP Sen. Lindsay Graham's BFF, Arizona Sen. John McCain announced his opposition to his pal's last ditch bid to replace Obamacare with a block grant to states so they each can craft a health care regime tailored to local conditions. McCain's key objection: "there is no assurance that Democrats will support it." "I think we need a lengthy deliberative process with extensive hearings, debate and, most of all, consensus between the two Parties before we move forward," the Senator explained. The fact that Obamacare was approved without a single GOP vote in its favor didn't daunt McCain's...
  • Comparison of Poverty Rates Called "Unfair" [semi-satire]

    09/24/2017 3:14:06 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Sep 2017 | John Semmens
    In California the poverty rate is 20.4%. In Texas it is 14.7%. California Governor Jerry Brown (D) claimed "the heads-up comparison is unfair. Our income tax rate is 13.3%. Texas has no income tax. So each person in our state has to contribute more of his or her income before they get to spend any of it on themselves." "We also have more regulations controlling where and how people can live and where and how businesses can operate," Brown added. "This makes housing less affordable and raises the prices businesses must charge in order to stay profitable. Naturally, that has...