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Articles Posted by John Semmens

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  • State Department Insists US Is Not at War with ISIS

    08/22/2014 10:06:08 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    The beheading of American journalist James Foley, the massacre of thousands of Christians, Kurds, and Shiite Muslims, and ISIS’s vow that its flag will soon fly over the White House does not mean the United States is at war with them, says Deputy State Department spokesperson Marie Harf. “ISIS may think they are at war with us, but that doesn’t mean we are at war with them,” Harf insisted. “As you may have observed, President Obama sternly denounced Foley’s televised beheading. He has done his part to inspire others to take the actions needed to cope with the situation. There’s...
  • President Laments “Balkanization” of Media

    08/18/2014 10:41:16 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    The low cost of communication over the Internet has led to “a dangerous proliferation of voices” according to President Obama. “It used to be that everyone got their view of the news from major media outlets,” Obama recounted. “There was more unanimity of message. This helped bring the country together.” “Now, though, any nobody with a little free time can get a website and pontificate for all the world to see,” the President complained. “We have no way to control what is said and we lack the time and energy to refute every erroneous idea or contention that is made.”...
  • Hillary and Barack Hug Away Kerfuffle

    08/18/2014 7:04:40 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    This week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stirred up a kerfuffle in an interview published in The Atlantic magazine by implying that the Obama Administration’s foreign policy was “a directionless mess.” President Obama angrily rebuffed Clinton’s remarks as “horse shit.” However, the soothing ambiance of a gathering at a posh Martha’s Vineyard resort has dampened down combative tempers on both sides. As a spokesman for Hillary explained, “it was a case of public perception vs. core reality. Given the President’s abysmal voter approval ratings it is imperative that any Democrat who hopes to win an upcoming distance herself from...
  • Dems Push for Federal Funding of Abortions

    08/17/2014 9:47:20 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Representatives Mike Honda (D-Calif), Barbara Lee (D-Calif), Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill), Louise Slaughter (D-NY), and Jackie Speier (D-Calif) are going on a 10,000 mile bus tour to drum up support for repealing the current ban on federation money being spent for abortions. "The issue is one of simple justice," Lee argued. "Why should the option of escaping an unwanted pregnancy be denied to women who can't afford to pay for it? Human rights shouldn't come with a price tag. Criminals who can't afford a lawyer get one at taxpayer expense. Why shouldn't innocent women be treated as well?" "We should fund...
  • Hamas Extends "Gift of Martyrdom" to Tunnel Diggers

    08/16/2014 9:40:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Concerned that dozens of low-wage workers who built the maze of tunnels from the Gaza strip into Israel might reveal the locations to enemy forces, the Hamas leadership ordered their execution. Hamas spokesman Khaled Mashal justified this seemingly ungrateful reward as "a necessary precaution. There are those who would say that the measures we took to prevent these diggers' knowledge of the tunnels' locations ought to be sufficient. Yes, the workers were blindfolded before being led to and from where they were told to dig making it exceedingly improbable that any of them could lead an Israeli to a tunnel...
  • Ferguson Looting Said to Be Fitting Tribute to Michael Brown

    08/16/2014 6:07:05 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    The emergence of a convenience store security video tape of Michael Brown roughing up the shopkeeper and stealing boxes of cigars was said to vindicate the looting rampage that followed his being shot by police. "All those stuffed shirts saying that our robbing stores was an inappropriate expression of our anger and grief were dead wrong," asserted a self-identified looter who says her name is Jihadena. "One of the last things Michael did before he was gunned down was rob a store. We're just doing the work he no longer can do. What could be a more fitting tribute to...
  • Kerry Makes Case for Global Warming as Mankind's Greatest Threat

    08/15/2014 8:11:52 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 38 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    US Secretary of State John Kerry continues to baffle observers by insisting that "global warming is, by far, the greatest threat mankind faces in the 21st century." "The reason should be obvious from the term 'global' warming," Kerry said. "This means that it affects everyone. This has to put it ahead of dangers that afflict necessarily narrower categories of victims. The beheading of innocent children by ISIS in Iraq, for example, only affects thousands of people." "The threat to wipe Israel off the map and exterminate the Jews, at worst, would entail the deaths of only a few million," Kerry...
  • Braley’s “Chickens Out” Demand Mars Senate Bid

    08/12/2014 9:20:12 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Iowa’s Democratic nominee for the US Senate Bruce Braley’s hissy fit over a neighbor’s chickens may derail his electoral chances in this farm state. The trouble started when Braley espied a few of neighbor Pauline Hampton’s pet chickens strutting around the yard of his vacation home in the town of Brooklyn and filed a complaint with the home owners association. In an attempt to be neighborly, Hampton proffered a gift of a dozen freshly laid eggs, but Bruce Braley would have none of it. “I can’t be bought off so cheaply,” Braley angrily asserted. “I’m a candidate for the United...
  • 911 Protocols Explained

    08/11/2014 10:11:48 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    When she heard someone breaking into her home, 80-year-old N.J. Logan grabbed a pistol and called 911. The Holmes Beach, Florida 911 operator repeatedly insisted that Logan “put down the gun.” This seemingly counter intuitive advice was labeled “standard protocol” by Holmes Beach Police Captain Abbie Safer. “Our first priority must be to insure the safety of our officers. Ideally, only the police would have guns. Failing that it is our presumption that anyone else with a gun is a perp deadly force will be deployed.” “If Ms. Logan is armed when the police arrive she could get shot,” Safer...
  • Reid Says He Will Make No Apologies for Defending President’s Credibility

    08/10/2014 8:48:19 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    A big part of President Obama’s political message has been the travails he’s suffered because of a “do nothing” Congress. The fact that there are over 300 bills passed by the House that are currently being blocked by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) would seem to rebut the President’s contention. Of these House passed bills, 50% passed unanimously, 70% passed with a 2/3rds majority, and 55 were introduced by Democrat members of the House. “The House has been active trying to craft legislation to address an array of problems,” Rep. Lynn Jenkins (R-Kan) pointed out. “The charge that we...
  • Weiner to Open Wiener Restaurant

    08/09/2014 12:28:00 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 52 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Anthony Weiner, the former Democratic Congressman who gained wide notoriety by tweeting photos of his genitalia is ready to open a new chapter in his life. Spotting what he characterized as “an unfilled niche in the marketplace,” the ex-pol is set to embark upon a restaurant venture in the Queens borough of New York City. “The wiener, or hot dog, is an under appreciated delicacy,” Weiner maintains. “Too often it is relegated to street corner carts where it is hastily prepared, topped with pedestrian condiments, and carelessly scarfed down by the palate-challenged troglodytes who walk our streets.” “At Chez Weiner...
  • Obama Eyes Emancipation Proclamation as Model for Amnesty Executive Order

    08/09/2014 8:39:18 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Insiders say that President Obama will use President Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation as the model for his anticipated Executive Order granting amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants. In 1862 Lincoln declared that all slaves in territory held by the Rebels were "forever free." He justified it as a wartime necessity. Those close to Obama say he views the parallels as "striking." "As he sees it," says an off-the-record source, "the vast majority of the illegal immigrants reside in states that are hostile to the Administration?at war with his efforts to transform the nation. Thus, as Commander-in-Chief he believes it is his...
  • Judge Denies Plaintiff Access to IRS Emails

    08/08/2014 4:10:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    The quest of those victimized by the IRS’s discriminatory treatment of conservative groups hit a brick wall when U.S. District Court Judge Reggie Walton ruled that the plaintiffs failed to prove that denial of access to the emails would result in “irreparable” harm. “True the Vote,” a conservative organization dedicated to combating vote fraud, had requested that a forensic expert of the court’s choosing attempt to recover the “lost” emails of IRS official Lois Lerner. Lerner has refused to testify to Congress on the grounds that such testimony would be “self incriminating.” Nonetheless, Judge Walton characterized the plaintiff’s suspicions as...
  • Massachusetts Cracks Down on Pro-Life Free Speech [SATIRE]

    08/04/2014 10:35:04 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 August 2014 | John Semmens
    Determined to overcome a recent 9-0 US Supreme Court ruling against the state’s “buffer zones” surrounding abortion clinics, the Massachusetts Legislature enacted a new, more severe buffer zone statute. The penalty for violating the new buffer zone is a fine of up to $50,000 and incarceration of up to three years in jail. Governor Deval Patrick (D) praised “the courage of our legislators who have stood up against judicial tyranny. The right to an abortion is a human right. Women seeking to exercise this right should not be impeded by the unwanted messages of its opponents assaulting their ears on...
  • CIA Strikes Penitent Pose

    08/04/2014 6:29:31 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 August 2014 | John Semmens
    With the escape route of deniability closed, CIA Director John Brennan grudgingly apologized to Senate intelligence committee leaders for his Agency’s covert perusal of their correspondence. “Yeah, we’re sorry,” Brennan growled. “But I still don’t see what the big deal is. We spy on everyone. Why should Senators be exempt from our efforts to protect national security? Are they somehow better than the average Americans they supposedly represent?” “Is it really implausible that Senators having access to classified information might pose a significant security risk?” Brennan continued. “I could argue that the need to keep an eye on what they...
  • Congresswoman Says It’s Time to Stop Whining about Canceled Health Insurance

    08/03/2014 10:54:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 31 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 August 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Anna Eshoo (D-Calif) says she is “tired of hearing pathetic stories from people who have been forced to find new insurance plans under the Affordable Care Act. The ACA has eliminated substandard insurance policies and guaranteed that every American will obtain superior coverage.” “Rather than be grateful that the Government is looking out for their best interests a cadre of complainers are whining that the new plans cost more than their old plans,” Eshoo complained. “Well, duh. These new plans cover more stuff. A lot of the old plans didn’t cover a number of birth control options. Virtually none...
  • Democrat Says President Can Ignore Law If He Wants

    08/03/2014 9:30:32 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 August 2014 | John Semmens
    House Democratic Whip Steny Hoyer (MD) acknowledged that “the President can’t legitimately legalize those who’ve illegally entered the country,” but suggested that “he could decline to enforce the laws against illegal entry against them.” Hoyer argued that “it’s like the cop who decides to overlook your speeding because you’re driving your pregnant wife to the hospital. There are extenuating circumstances that make rigid enforcement of the law cruel.” “Most of those in the country illegally came here for good reasons,” Hoyer pointed out. “They come from countries where their prospects and opportunities are poor—there are no safety nets. In America...
  • President Excuses Hamas Tactics, Condemns Israel

    08/02/2014 10:03:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama condemned Israel’s attack on a UN school in Gaza as “barbaric and uncivilized.” The fact that the school housed Hamas weapons that were being used to kill Israeli civilians was considered insufficient grounds for the Israeli Army’s shelling of the building. “As former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton mentioned earlier this week, Gaza is a small country with few locations where weapons can be concealed,” Obama said. “Besides, Hamas had explicit permission from the UN to store armaments in the school’s basement. It is Israel that is acting outside the bounds of internationally agreed upon standards.” UN Secretary...
  • UK's NHS Defends Investment in Boob Jobs

    08/01/2014 2:53:23 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 27 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 August 2014 | John Semmens
    While the United Kingdom's National Health Service spends more than £50 million per year subsidizing breast augmentation surgeries it refuses to pay for a drug that can help extend the survival time for cancer patients. A stark contrast between the cases of Josie Cunningham and Reece Hawley has raised eyebrows. The buxom Ms. Cunningham's breast enlargement was funded by the NHS back in 2009. She currently is selling pay-per-view tickets at £10,000 a pop to see her giving birth later this month. Reece Hawley is a trainee teacher. NHS spokesman Howard Titman attempted to explain the seemingly anomalous treatment of...
  • Woman in Labor Blocked by Obama Motorcade

    07/28/2014 9:43:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2014 | John Semmens
    A woman on the verge of giving birth was blocked from crossing the street to get to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center because the road was blocked in anticipation of President Obama’s motorcade passing by. The woman was told to wait on a bus stop bench while staff from the Medical Center crossed the street to her aid. Los Angeles Police Department spokesman Hector Morales defended the seemingly unnecessary impediment to the woman’s access to health care as “routine protocol. Look, the President of the United States is the world’s most important person. Whatever he is doing must take precedence over anything...
  • President Says We’re Better off “on Practically Every Economic Measure”

    07/28/2014 6:24:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 24 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2014 | John Semmens
    In an interview on CNBC this past week President Barack Obama boasted that his programs “have made America better off on practically every economic measure.” He contended that “the seemingly negative outcomes cited by my critics stem from false consciousness.” “From a broad perspective let’s consider the declining participation in the workforce that many in the GOP harp on,” Obama suggested. “Work, as any economist will tell you, is a disutility. People don’t work because they want to. They work because they have to. The fact that a growing number of Americans can live their lives without having to work...
  • Hamas Defends Investment in Tunnels

    07/27/2014 12:09:12 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Recent criticism from Israel that the $1.25 billion Hamas has spent constructing tunnels from Gaza into Israel has cheated Palestinians out of investments in schools or hospitals was rejected by Hamas's political leader, Khaled Meshal. "The notion that schools or medical care should be a higher priority is a Jewish conceit," Meshal asserted. "It presumes that Western values should supersede Islamic values. We do not contest that schools or health are important matters, but they pale in contrast to the overwhelmingly more important goal of exterminating the Jewish presence in Palestine." "The tunnels," Meshal argued "are a major weapon in...
  • “Despicable” Anti-Clinton Books Should Be Banned

    07/26/2014 9:23:05 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Outraged by the surging popularity of anti-Clinton books overtaking sales of Hillary Clinton’s State Department memoir, Clinton spokesman Nick Merrill offered his opinion that “in a just world such despicable nonsense would neither be allowed nor enabled.” The “despicable nonsense” books Merrill is saying ought to be censored include The First Family Detail by Ronald Kessler, Clinton, Inc. by Daniel Halper and Blood Feud by Ed Klein. “It is a travesty that books like these are outselling a historically important work by a major player in contemporary American history,” Merrill complained. “Their authors are comparative nobodies trying to get rich...
  • Court Ruling on Obamacare Exchanges Assailed

    07/25/2014 5:43:06 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2014 | John Semmens
    This past week’s D.C. Court of Appeals panel ruling that customers in the 36 states that didn’t establish their own exchange and use HealthCare.gov instead cannot be given premium tax credits was assailed by the program’s backers as “flagrant judicial activism.” Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest promised that “this insupportable ruling will be ignored. For the Court to insist upon a literal reading of the statute at this late date would unduly hamper the President’s scope of action. He cannot and will not abide having his hands tied by this judicial interference.” At issue is explicit statutory language in the...
  • White House Claims President’s Appointees “Absolutely Immune”

    07/22/2014 10:47:04 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 19 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Despite audio evidence of prohibited political activity by Obama Administration officials, White House Counsel Neil Eggleston rejected House Oversight and Government Reform Committee requests for testimony from David Simas, director of the White House Office of Political Strategy and Outreach. “Mr Simas and, in fact, everyone working for the President is absolutely immune from any demands Congress or the Judicial branch might seek to impose,” Eggleston contended. “To hold otherwise would undermine the President’s authority to rule this country.” “It would also be unfair to those attempting to carry out the President’s wishes if they were to be held answerable...
  • Bill to Curb “Operation Choke Point” Introduced

    07/22/2014 9:11:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Blaine Luetkemeyer (R-Mo) is sponsoring H.R. 4986, the End Operation Choke Point Act of 2014. The bill aims to stem Department of Justice abuse of legitimate businesses. Under Operation Choke Point the DOJ working in concert with the FTC, FDIC, OCC, CFPB, and FBI has been intimidating banks in order to deny these financial resources to targeted commercial operations. While DOJ claims it is merely combating criminal activity, legal, but pariah businesses like firearms vending, marijuana dispensaries and check cashing firms have frequently been shut off from the banking system. The Administration opposes the bill. “Even though some businesses...
  • Roberts Says Wolf “too Inexperienced for Debate”

    07/21/2014 9:00:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Senator Pat Roberts (R-Kan) continued his refusal to debate challenger Dr. Milton Wolf prior to the upcoming August 5 primary election date on the grounds that “Wolf is not qualified to hold such a high office.” “I’ve been in this political racket for nearly 50 years,” the 78 year-old Roberts pointed out. “I didn’t just leap into the national arena as my first venture into joining the governing elite. I served on the staff of Senator Frank Carlson and Representative Keith Sebelius for over 12 years before I ran for Congress in 1980. Then I put in 16 years in...
  • Arizona Anti-Abortion Law Racist Says ACLU, NAACP

    07/21/2014 6:31:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 July 2014 | John Semmens
    The ACLU has filed suit alleging that an Arizona law that bars sex-selective and race-based abortions is racist. The suit was filed on behalf of the NAACP and the National Asian-Pacific American Women’s Forum. Alexa Kolbi-Molinas of the ACLU insisted that “this law has a racially disparate effect as its intent. African-Americans are nearly four times as likely to opt for abortion as the end point of a pregnancy compared to whites. Consequently, the Arizona law has a chilling impact on what should be a freely taken choice.” “The barrier to sex-selective abortions introduces a culturally insensitive affront to persons...
  • Cost to House Influx of Illegals Stuns Senators

    07/20/2014 1:00:04 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 36 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 July 2014 | John Semmens
    In testimony before the Senate Budget Committee, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson shocked senators of both parties when he disclosed that it costs between $250 and $1,000 per day per person to house the illegal immigrants that have been surging across our border with Mexico. "There was an audible gasp, a bipartisan gasp," Senator Marco Rubio (R., Fla.) recounted. "I could take a luxurious Caribbean cruise every day of the year for a lower total cost. I cannot fathom why the spartan accommodations we are providing for these people should cost so much." Senate Budget Committee chairwoman Patty...
  • Obamacare Costs Comparisons “Unfair”

    07/15/2014 8:42:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 July 2014 | John Semmens
    A recent report from the Manhattan Institute showing that Obamacare has raised insurance costs by 52% to 119% was rejected as an “unfair comparison” by Health and Human Services Secretary Silvia Burwell. “Policies under the Affordable Care Act cost more because they cover more,” she maintained. “Many of the policies available before the ACA was in place didn’t cover preventive care like birth control or abortion. Virtually none of them covered gender-reassignment surgery. So of course those policies were cheaper.” “The Manhattan Institute study overlooks the added value achieved by the ACA,” the Secretary asserted. “Their before and after analysis...
  • Mexico and Guatemala Reach Accord to Expedite Transit of More Illegals to the US

    07/14/2014 9:42:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 July 2014 | John Semmens
    This week Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and Guatemalan President Otto Perez Molina held a joint press conference to announce they have reached an accord to cooperate in the shipment of more illegal migrants from Central America to the United States. “This agreement is a win-win for both of our countries,” Peña boasted. “Guatemala rids itself of people they cannot adequately care for. By assuring that these migrants have guaranteed transportation through Mexico we avoid becoming the repository of these undesirables.” Perez insisted that “we are only responding to America’s invitation to send our tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to...
  • Hamas Counters Israeli Efforts to Reduce Collateral Damage

    07/13/2014 12:48:51 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Israel’s attempts to minimize collateral damage while seeking to respond to Hamas’ repeated missile launches against Israeli civilians were sternly countered by Hamas this week. While Israel has been warning Palestinian civilians of impending air strikes in order to prompt them to move out of targeted areas, Hamas has forbidden civilians from taking Israeli advice. Hamas’ Khaled Meshaal explained that “it is every Palestinian’s duty to sacrifice himself if required to do so in our never ending battle against the Jewish occupiers. The Jews would like nothing better than to separate our fighters from the women and children who we...
  • Hillary Clinton’s Early Legal Work Stirs Controversy

    07/13/2014 9:28:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 July 2014 | John Semmens
    The emergence of an audio tape of a young Hillary Clinton bragging about helping a rapist get off easy has jarred her image as an advocate for women’s rights. It seems that Clinton succeeded in discrediting the rapist’s accuser even though she was convinced that he was guilty. When a panel of liberal pundits on MSNBC appeared to agree that Clinton seemed insensitive and cavalier on the tape, the aspiring 2016 presidential candidate tried her hand at damage control. “First of all, let me remind everyone that this tape was made 40 years ago,” she pointed out. “It’s old news....
  • Dems Seek Legislation to Overturn Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby Ruling

    07/12/2014 9:19:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Outraged by what they characterized as the Supreme Court’s improper application of the Constitution’s freedom of religion clause in the Hobby Lobby case, Senate Democrats are drafting a bill to overturn the Court’s ruling. Sponsor of the bill, Senator Patty Murray (D-Wash) declared that “a boss’s role in health care is confined to paying for it. He has no business deciding that he won’t pay for certain medical therapies because they offend his sense of morality. My bill restores the full authority over which medical treatments will or won’t be covered to the government where it belongs.” Senator Charles Schumer...
  • Administration Requests Budget Increase for Immigrant Bedding

    07/12/2014 6:45:00 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Asserting that "it would be inhumane for us to force these innocent immigrant children to sleep on substandard beds," Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell has requested an appropriation of "$1,000 per migrant in order to fund minimally acceptable accommodations." "Many of these immigrant children have already suffered from improper sleeping arrangements for most of their lives," Burwell said. "In the countries they come from it is common for multiple children to be crammed into a single bed of straw, be slung on hammocks, or simply left to sleep on the ground." Burwell characterized the "military style cots and...
  • President’s Texas Itinerary Defended

    07/11/2014 6:43:59 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 July 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama has faced criticism for refusing to visit sites in Texas where hordes of illegal immigrants have been flooding into the country. The criticism has been especially pointed in light of the fact that he has traveled to the state to participate in political fund raisers at the home of Austin-based filmmaker Robert Rodriguez and two other in-state locations. Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that “the President’s presence at the border would not be a good use of his time. It’s not as if anything he might see there is going to change his mind about immigration reform....
  • Feds Say Businesses Can't Require Employees to Speak or Understand English

    07/08/2014 8:59:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 July 2014 | John Semmens
    The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) is suing Wisconsin Plastics, Inc. of Green Bay, Wisconsin for discriminating against non-native persons by insisting that employees must be conversant in English in order to hold jobs with the company. Jacqueline Berrien, EEOC Chairperson dismissed the possibility that some minimal competence in the English language might be a legitimate skill required of an employee. "Whether an employee understands English is a matter of convenience for the business,":Berrien explained. "Granted, conducting business in a single language might be more efficient. But the individual's right to speak whatever language he chooses is a human right....
  • Congressman Barred from Immigrant Holding Area

    07/07/2014 11:05:25 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Representative Jim Bridenstine's (R-Okla) attempt to gain some first-hand knowledge on the 1200 illegal immigrant minors housed in his Congressional District was blocked by officials of the Department of Health and Human Services. "It's for the Congressman's own good," Health and Human Services Secretary Silva Burwell insisted. "Many of these youngsters are carrying infectious diseases and parasites. We cannot allow unnecessary contact with unauthorized persons." Bridenstine was advised to come back after July 21. "By that time all of the children will have been placed with other families or in shelters more suitable for the longer term," Burwell said. "It...
  • Senator Suggests President "Borrow" Power to Solve Immigration Problem

    07/07/2014 5:52:24 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ill) suggests that President Obama "borrow some of the unused legislative power Congress is sitting on to solve the immigration problem." "I know some of my Republican friends across the aisle will insist that the power to enact laws is exclusively reserved to Congress under our Constitution," Durbin acknowledged. "However, an even older common law principle is that a right left dormant for an extended period lapses and may be taken up by a more energetic party. The need for immigration reform has been known for a long time, yet Congress has neglected to pass legislation. So...
  • President Urges Israel to Exercise Restraint

    07/06/2014 9:52:52 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 July 2014 | John Semmens
    This week's discovery of the decomposing bodies of the three Israeli teenagers kidnapped and murdered by members of the Hamas terror organization last week sparked diverse reactions from key leaders. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu vowed retribution. Hamas's Khalad Mashaal blessed the hands of the murderers. President Obama urged Israeli leaders to "exercise restraint and not take action that would destabilize the situation." While admitting that "from a Western perspective the murder of innocent civilians appears an inexcusable atrocity," President Obama cautioned that "this is not the only perspective worthy of consideration. As the Palestinians see it, all Jews living...
  • Doctor/Patient Confidentiality Gains New Partner

    07/05/2014 10:10:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 July 2014 | John Semmens
    It used to be that what transpires between a doctor and patient was considered confidential. Under the Affordable Care Act the Government has now been added as a participant in observing communications between doctor and patient. Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell justified the expansion of those in the know as "only prudent. The Affordable Care Act has made the federal government responsible for the health of everyone in America. We can't adequately do that job if information on anyone's condition is withheld from us." "Unenlightened individuals may think that their health is their own concern," Burwell said. "They...
  • Hobby Lobby Wage Boost Rankles Democrats

    07/04/2014 6:43:29 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 28 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 July 2014 | John Semmens
    With the liability of being forced to finance employees' abortions taken off its back by the recent Supreme Court voiding of the Obamacare mandate, Hobby Lobby announced it is raising the minimum wage of its full-time employees to $14.50 per hour. Aspiring presidential candidate Hillary Clinton dubbed the move "a callous and insensitive slap in the face to American women. This company went to a lot of effort to deny its responsibility to insure the reproductive health of its female employees. Now that they've won a totally unfair verdict in court they're insulting these imperiled women by investing the costs...
  • Constitutional Amendment to Curb Speech Pushed by Democrats

    07/02/2014 8:22:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 June 2014 | John Semmens
    Sparked by fears that “many dedicated incumbents could be run out of office by well-financed campaigns by dangerously anti-government factions,” Senator Tom Udall (D-NM) and 42 Democratic co-sponsors have drafted a Constitutional Amendment that aims to curb free speech. “Right now as long as a person has enough money to afford it he can take out an ad, publish a broadside, or fund a TV spot against a sitting member of the Government,” Udall pointed out. “The men and women who have devoted their lives to serving the citizens of this great republic don’t deserve this kind of treatment.” Under...
  • Raid Characterized as “Routine Training Exercise”

    07/01/2014 10:25:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 June 2014 | John Semmens
    A pre-dawn raid of a Florida home was characterized as “a routine training exercise” by Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson. The raid took place on June 10 when a dozen heavily armed Department of Homeland Security troops broke into Kari Edwards home and held her and her live-in boyfriend at gun point while they searched the premises. The invading DHS officers disabled the home’s security cameras as they thoroughly trashed the premises. “I realize that from Ms. Edwards’ perspective the incident may have been harrowing,” Johnson acknowledged. “But we mustn’t lose sight of the big picture. Inflicting momentary fear and...
  • President Offers More Flexibility for Federal Employees

    06/30/2014 10:56:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 June 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama is seeking to make being employed by the federal government a more pleasant experience. Along these lines he is introducing more flexible work hours. “Analysis by the best work management experts shows that it doesn’t really matter how many hours government employees spend on the job,” Obama said. “Whether they’re at their desks or not doesn’t seem to make any difference in the output of meaningful work. So why not reduce the burden of reporting to work?” Not being required to actually go in to work in order to earn a federal paycheck was described as “a major...
  • Clinton Defends $225,000 Speaking Fee

    06/29/2014 12:16:12 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 27 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 June 2014 | John Semmens
    Elias Benjelloun’s, the UNLV student body president, and Daniel Waqar’s, the student government’s public relations director, protest that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s $225,000 fee for a single speech is excessive was slapped down by the lady herself. “Students angry that their tuition fees are being increased shouldn’t try to take it out on me,” Clinton angrily exclaimed. “I have unique credentials. I’ve been a First Lady and co-president, a United States Senator, and Secretary of State. Audiences should expect to pay more to hear me.” Clinton compared her fee with the $230,000 per game salary paid to the...
  • President Denounces Boehner Lawsuit as “Stunt”

    06/28/2014 10:38:53 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 June 2014 | John Semmens
    This week House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) announced he was going to sue President Obama for abuse of executive authority. “Time-after-time the President has acted without proper authority,” Boehner charged. “He has refused to faithfully execute laws that require his action. Worse, he has endeavored to exercise legislative authority that the Constitution relegates to Congress. We are going to ask the Court to put a stop to this.” President Obama laughed off the lawsuit calling it “a stunt designed to cover for Congress’ failure to govern. If Congress were to do its job and pass the legislation I’ve directed them...
  • President Tries to Fend Off Evidence of Incompetence

    06/27/2014 6:26:21 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 20 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 June 2014 | John Semmens
    With a cascade of scandals dominating the news, a desperate President Obama pleaded with voters to "not give up hope. The mistakes of a tiny minority can easily overwhelm the good work of the many. Probably less than one percent of government workers are boneheads. The rest of us shouldn't have to suffer because of it." To help illustrate his case Obama told a story about an unnamed federal employee "who foolishly put things in writing that she shouldn't have. Despite explicit instructions that no documentary evidence be produced she negligently or maliciously, we don't know, entrusted highly confidential material...
  • Presidential Candidate Clarifies Gun Control Views

    06/24/2014 11:03:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2014 | John Semmens
    Aspiring 2016 presidential contender former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton sought to contrast her views on gun control with “the ineffectual dithering we’ve seen from the current Oval Office inhabitant.” “Let me come right out and say it, the minority of private citizens with guns are terrorizing the rest of the population,” Clinton contended. “It’s got to be frightening for the average person when he realizes that his neighbor or the stranger passing him in the street may be armed and could shoot him at any moment.” “If access to guns were limited to only those having a professional need...
  • DOJ Wants to Boost Domestic Surveillance

    06/23/2014 9:49:05 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2014 | John Semmens
    Vowing not to allow himself to be distracted by recent events in Iraq, Attorney General Eric Holder called for increased efforts to monitor and interdict home grown threats. “I know the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria is garnering a lot of attention beheading captured foes and pledging to use the cache of poison gas it has stumbled upon while rampaging through Iraq,” Holder said. “But this must not divert our focus from the bigger threat from those in this country who have an anti-government animus.” “ISIS is thousands of miles away,” Holder pointed out. “Bloody as their aims may...