Articles Posted by John Semmens

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • Attorney General Calls for More Racial Balance in People Police Shoot

    09/22/2014 11:03:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Referencing the events in Ferguson, Missouri, US Attorney General Eric Holder called for more racial balance in the people police shoot. “What we had in Ferguson was a white officer shooting a Black teenager,” Holder recounted. “When we look at over all statistics, white officers shooting African-Americans is disproportional to their representation in the population. This establishes a prima facie case that racism is playing a role in the use of deadly force.” “We need to ask some hard questions,” Holder contended. “Why isn’t there a more proportionately balanced representation of America’s population when it comes to police shootings? Why...
  • Female Democrat Heavyweights Assert “Congress Is out of Touch on Women’s Issues”

    09/22/2014 9:03:04 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    A roundtable discussion at the Center for American Progress agreed that “Congress is out of touch on women’s issues.” Contributors to this conclusion included former Secretary of State and aspiring Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton, Democratic Sens. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY) and Patty Murray (Wash), House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif), and Rep. Rosa DeLauro (Conn). “Women bear nearly 100% of the physical burden of procreation, yet do not exercise 100% of the power to determine how these children shall be raised and cared for,” Clinton observed. “Women who are married have to share authority with their children’s fathers. This cultivates...
  • Student Punished for Sharing His Lunch

    09/21/2014 9:54:15 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Weaverville Elementary School (Calif) eighth grader Kyle Bradford was sent to detention for sharing his burrito with another student. Tom Barnett, the Superintendent of the Trinity Alps Unified School District explained that “there is a district wide policy that prohibits students from exchanging the meals that the school provides. In this particular instance Mr. Bradford’s apparent act of kindness was undermining the school’s food allocation decisions.” The student Bradford gave half of his burrito to had been “allocated” a cheese sandwich that was not to his liking. Bradford was unimpressed by the school’s rationale and undeterred regarding potential future food...
  • Dem Operative Says Obama Planning "October Surprise"

    09/19/2014 3:20:17 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Long time Democratic Party operative Bob Beckel says GOP hopes of taking control of both Houses of Congress will be thwarted by an "October surprise." "Republicans who are counting on the President's unpopularity to spark a vote against Congressional Democrats are in for a rude awakening," Beckel predicted. "On Sunday, November 2nd President Obama will go on national TV and announce his resignation. Relieved of this albatross, embattled Democrats should be able to cruise to the finish line on top on November 4th." "Then on the third day, November 5th, President Obama will rise like Jesus did, and resume his...
  • IRS Chief Says “We Try to Follow the Law Whenever We Can”

    09/17/2014 8:55:37 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    IRS Commissioner John Koskinen told the House Ways and Means subcommittee that “as a general rule, we try to follow the law whenever we can.” Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Tex), who leads the subcommittee, expressed the idea that the IRS ought to always follow the law and asked for instances in which Koskinen thought breaking the law might be necessary. “Laws are such static things,” Koskinen observed. “They don’t necessarily provide for every possible contingency. If the President feels that there is a gap in the law we’re not going to allow ourselves to be stymied by the lack of legislative...
  • Senator Udall Says Debates “Not Part of My Strategy”

    09/16/2014 12:33:04 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Sitting Senator Mark Udall (D-Colo) refuses to debate his GOP opponent Cory Gardner, saying that a proposed televised debate is “not part of my strategy for reelection.” “These live debates are such a crap shoot,” Udall groused. “You can’t carefully craft your message. You only have a few seconds to compose answers to off-the-wall questions. The risk of a misstatement is high.” Rather than endanger the major investment his campaign has made in focus group-vetted platitudes by debating, Udall expressed satisfaction with his plan to bombard voters with dinner-time robocalls. “The beauty of these is that a candidate has total...
  • Germany Strikes Blow Against ISIS

    09/15/2014 1:20:40 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    The German Government has decided to strike back against the ISIS reign of terror in Iraq and Syria by revoking its access to civic amenities. Included in the ban would be the total loss of privileges to use public facilities such as meeting rooms at libraries, ramadas at public parks, and participation in public parades. In addition, security personnel at sporting events will be instructed to deny admittance to anyone wearing Isis symbols including hats, t-shirts or other garb with the organization’s insignia. Defense minister Thomas de Mazière, characterized the restrictions as “a measured response. We want to give them...
  • IRS Poised to Start Taxing Employer Provided Lunches

    09/15/2014 9:20:50 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 33 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Some employers provide employees with company-paid free lunches. The idea is to keep workers at their desks and improve productivity. The expense has normally been lumped in with other expenses as a cost of doing business. The IRS now wants to tax these lunches as income to the employees. IRS spokesperson Jason Coveter explained that “most employees have to furnish their own lunches. Whether they go out and buy it or bring it from home, they are bearing this cost themselves. It is unfair for other employees to get a lunch paid for by their employer. We’re just trying to...
  • School Confiscates American Flags from Students

    09/14/2014 9:38:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 36 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Woodruff High School in Spartanburg, South Carolina confiscated American flags from the vehicles of four students this past week. The school’s principal, Aaron Fulmer, explained that “professions of patriotism do not write a ‘blank check’ for egregious behavior. Many of our undocumented students may feel intimidated by such flagrant demonstrations. And as President Obama has pointed out, the American flag, like the Confederate flag, is seen as a symbol of oppression in many parts of the world.” “Flaunting so-called American exceptionalism also contradicts the lesson of humility our school is trying to inculcate,” Fulmer said. “The United States is just...
  • Mexican President Calls Perry Border Policy “Unneighborly”

    09/14/2014 7:44:07 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 24 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto castigated Texas Governor Rick Perry’s deployment of National Guard troops on the U.S.-Mexican border as “unneighborly. He’s like that Clint Eastwood character in Gran Torino telling my people to get off his lawn.” “For decades my people have become accustomed to the ability to pass freely between our two countries,” Peña said. “In our minds this clearly establishes an ‘easement’ right to travel over these roads and pathways. For Governor Perry to suddenly seek to terminate these rights is an affront.” Peña indicated that he plans to bring the issue up before the United Nations....
  • Kerry Says Islamic State Is Not Islamic

    09/13/2014 1:08:30 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    US Secretary of State John Kerry challenged ISIL’s definition of itself and insisted that the self-proclaimed Islamic State is not, in fact, Islamic. “I studied Islam in college,” Kerry asserted. “None of the books I read or classes I took mentioned anything about beheading unbelievers or raping women. I’ll stack this up against the mutterings of an uneducated terrorist any day of the week.” Palestinian-Jordanian politician Muhammad Bayoudh Al-Tamimi disagreed with Kerry and maintained that ISIL’s “actions and words stem directly from the Quran and Sunna—two of Islam’s most sacred texts.” A spokesman for ISIL suggested that “perhaps this chattering...
  • Press Secretary Chides Golf Clubs

    09/13/2014 10:16:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    The Trump National Golf Club, Winged Foot and Willow Ridge rejected requests to let President Obama play on their golf courses over the Labor Day weekend. This mightily irked Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “These clubs put the needs and convenience of their members ahead of the needs and convenience of the President of the United States,” Earnest charged. “It’s a clear case of misplaced priorities.” The inconveniences to golf club members would’ve been substantial. All other golfers would’ve been barred from the course while the President played through. “Where’s their sense of patriotism?” Earnest wondered. “The President is Commander-in-Chief....
  • Holder Says Arming Mexican Drug Cartels "Our Ace in the Hole" vs. ISIL Infiltrators

    09/12/2014 4:17:59 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 44 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    While a key part of President Obama's strategy to combat ISIL involves arming supposed enemies of that organization, a program that has previously been roundly criticized is now being bandied about as "prescient" and "visionary" by Attorney General Eric Holder. The program: "Fast and Furious." "What the President's critics have lambasted as wrongheaded and improvident is starting to look pretty good now that ISIL has vowed to infiltrate the United States via our southern border," Holder bragged. "The Mexican drug cartels are very territorial about what crosses over this border. They won't be too friendly toward ISIL actions that may...
  • Firm Punished for Verifying Employee's Residency

    09/09/2014 9:00:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    The Department of Justice has fined Culinaire International $20,000 for asking a prospective hiree to provide proof of legal residence. “Demanding that employees show proof of citizenship or legal residence in this country is discriminatory,” Attorney General Eric Holder asserted. “It explicitly contradicts the President’s expressed wishes that all applicants whether in this country legally or not be treated equal.” Holder brushed aside state laws that penalize employers for not verifying residency status as irrelevant. “The possibility that a state may sanction an employer for not conducting such a verification is not my concern,” Holder said. “The fact is Culinare...
  • NY Board of Elections Cracks Down on Unauthorized Speech

    09/08/2014 10:05:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Concerned that “unelected persons might defame elected officials,” the New York Board of Elections has declared that no one may criticize a sitting officeholder without first forming a “political action committee.” Executive Director Todd Valentine asserted that “the notion that everyone is free to say whatever they want about members of the government is a misunderstanding of the concept of freedom of speech. If you’re talking about or to another private citizen you can say whatever you want. But if you want to criticize the governor, mayor, or a member of the legislature or city council you need to file...
  • Biden Says Hoarders Are Retarding Economy

    09/07/2014 9:43:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 46 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Citing a paper released this week by the St. Louis Federal Reserve, Vice-President Joe Biden blamed American consumers for the sluggish economy. “The government is doing everything it can to try to stimulate the economy,” Biden contended. “The federal government is spending every dollar it can get its hands on. The Federal Reserve is manufacturing new dollars at an unprecedented pace. But consumers are just sitting on their cash.” “Hoarding cash makes no sense,” the Veep argued. “The dollar’s purchasing power is being diluted on a daily basis by government policies. Spending your dollars before they lose even more value...
  • UN Defends Refusal to Evacuate Non-Combatants in Gaza

    09/06/2014 11:57:26 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    In its efforts to minimize collateral damage in its campaign against Hamas terrorists who were launching rocket attacks against Israeli civilians, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) asked UN “peace keepers” in Gaza to help Palestinian civilians evacuate the combat zone. The UN refused this request. UN spokesperson Penelope Ironside explained that “the idea that civilians should be removed from the battle zone conflicted with the explicit strategy of one of the contending sides. For us to have assisted in their removal would have compromised the UN’s position as a neutral party.” “The conflict between Israel and Hamas is asymmetrical,” Ironside...
  • Senator to Issue Report Absolving IRS

    09/06/2014 10:05:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 19 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich), chairman of the Senate’s Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations is preparing a report that will absolve the IRS and Lois Lerner of any wrongdoing in the campaign to target and harass conservative political organizations. “Those who have alleged that Lerner and the IRS took it upon themselves to conduct a vendetta against conservative organizations have it all wrong,” Levin alleged. “Evidence has emerged that the IRS was acting upon urgent requests from highly placed members of the government. Bureaucrats being responsive to the needs of the government is behavior we should be encouraging not punishing.” The highly...
  • Kerry Says ISIS Will Be Destroyed Within Three Years

    09/05/2014 3:28:27 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 55 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    US Secretary of State John Kerry predicted that the Islamic State (also known as ISIS and ISIL) would be destroyed within three years. The means: "massive wrongful death lawsuits." "These thugs might think they're cute filming the decapitation of their victims," Kerry said. "But by putting their torts on record they have opened themselves to legal liability that will cost them billions in damages." "No country on Earth has better or more expensive lawyers than we do," the Secretary boasted. "With skills honed from decades of tormenting corporate defendants in the courtroom, the plaintiffs' bar will eviscerate ISIS's defenses and...
  • Judge Rules Private School Vouchers Unconstitutional

    08/26/2014 6:36:18 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    North Carolina Superior Court Judge Robert Hobgood declared the state’s the Opportunity Scholarship program unconstitutional. The program provided funds for poor children to attend the same private schools attended by their financially better off peers. “Allowing these children to exit the failing public school system undermines the incentive and capability for improving the public schools,” Hobgood ruled. “It would put the good of the few ahead of the collective well-being of the whole. By preventing the few from escaping we maintain the pressure for reform of the system.” Hobgood rejected the argument that allowing students to exit substandard schools would...
  • DHS Says It Had to Release Murderers

    08/25/2014 6:41:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Outraged over learning that the Department of Homeland Security released 154 illegal immigrants convicted of homicide in their native country, Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) demanded an explanation from DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson. He received a reply from Immigration and Customs Enforcement chief Thomas Winkowski. In his reply, Winkowski maintained that DHS “had no choice in the matter. We should not be castigated for obeying the law.” Winkowski’s contention, though, may not be correct. While it is true that the law does not permit DHS to hold illegal immigrants indefinitely, it does allow for the retention of “dangerous immigrants.” “Just because...
  • Congressman Wants to Ban Body Armor

    08/24/2014 9:29:23 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 20 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Mike Honda (D-CA) has introduced legislation that would prohibit the sale, use, or possession of body armor by unauthorized persons. “Authorized persons” in Honda’s view include government law-enforcement personnel, troops, and others the government may deem worthy of such protection. “Those duly empowered to use deadly force should not have to fear that their efforts might be thwarted by the widespread availability of bullet-resistant vests or helmets,” Honda said. “The government’s capacity to suppress dangerous elements must not be diluted.” Honda dismissed the idea that law-abiding civilians could have a legitimate need for this type of personal protection—Bullet Blocker’s...
  • Texas Governor Indicted for Abuse of Power

    08/23/2014 9:42:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    This past week an Austin Grand Jury indicted Governor Rick Perry (R) for abuse of power. The offending act was his veto of the budget containing funds for the salary of Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg. Perry took this action when Lehmberg refused to resign after her arrest for drunk driving. In April 2013, Lehmberg was hauled in for DUI. Tests showed her blood alcohol level to be more than three times the legal limit. Lehmberg threatened the arresting officer and deputies at the sheriff's office with the loss of their jobs for deigning to interrupt her travels. Thinking...
  • Missouri Governor Demands Vigorous Prosecution

    08/23/2014 6:09:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Missouri Governor Jay Nixon (D) is saturating the air waves with his demand that Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson be “vigorously prosecuted” for shooting Michael Brown on August 9th. “We’ve all seen the Hell this community has gone through since the shooting,” Nixon recounted. “The Black citizens will burn down the entire town if we don’t give them the justice they want.” The Governor brushed aside the possibility that the shooting might be justifiable self-defense. “Sure we could spend a lot of time and effort trying to determine whether Brown brought this on himself by attacking Wilson,” Nixon said. “Maybe...
  • State Department Insists US Is Not at War with ISIS

    08/22/2014 10:06:08 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 30 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    The beheading of American journalist James Foley, the massacre of thousands of Christians, Kurds, and Shiite Muslims, and ISIS’s vow that its flag will soon fly over the White House does not mean the United States is at war with them, says Deputy State Department spokesperson Marie Harf. “ISIS may think they are at war with us, but that doesn’t mean we are at war with them,” Harf insisted. “As you may have observed, President Obama sternly denounced Foley’s televised beheading. He has done his part to inspire others to take the actions needed to cope with the situation. There’s...
  • President Laments “Balkanization” of Media

    08/18/2014 10:41:16 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    The low cost of communication over the Internet has led to “a dangerous proliferation of voices” according to President Obama. “It used to be that everyone got their view of the news from major media outlets,” Obama recounted. “There was more unanimity of message. This helped bring the country together.” “Now, though, any nobody with a little free time can get a website and pontificate for all the world to see,” the President complained. “We have no way to control what is said and we lack the time and energy to refute every erroneous idea or contention that is made.”...
  • Hillary and Barack Hug Away Kerfuffle

    08/18/2014 7:04:40 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    This week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stirred up a kerfuffle in an interview published in The Atlantic magazine by implying that the Obama Administration’s foreign policy was “a directionless mess.” President Obama angrily rebuffed Clinton’s remarks as “horse shit.” However, the soothing ambiance of a gathering at a posh Martha’s Vineyard resort has dampened down combative tempers on both sides. As a spokesman for Hillary explained, “it was a case of public perception vs. core reality. Given the President’s abysmal voter approval ratings it is imperative that any Democrat who hopes to win an upcoming distance herself from...
  • Dems Push for Federal Funding of Abortions

    08/17/2014 9:47:20 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Representatives Mike Honda (D-Calif), Barbara Lee (D-Calif), Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill), Louise Slaughter (D-NY), and Jackie Speier (D-Calif) are going on a 10,000 mile bus tour to drum up support for repealing the current ban on federation money being spent for abortions. "The issue is one of simple justice," Lee argued. "Why should the option of escaping an unwanted pregnancy be denied to women who can't afford to pay for it? Human rights shouldn't come with a price tag. Criminals who can't afford a lawyer get one at taxpayer expense. Why shouldn't innocent women be treated as well?" "We should fund...
  • Hamas Extends "Gift of Martyrdom" to Tunnel Diggers

    08/16/2014 9:40:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Concerned that dozens of low-wage workers who built the maze of tunnels from the Gaza strip into Israel might reveal the locations to enemy forces, the Hamas leadership ordered their execution. Hamas spokesman Khaled Mashal justified this seemingly ungrateful reward as "a necessary precaution. There are those who would say that the measures we took to prevent these diggers' knowledge of the tunnels' locations ought to be sufficient. Yes, the workers were blindfolded before being led to and from where they were told to dig making it exceedingly improbable that any of them could lead an Israeli to a tunnel...
  • Ferguson Looting Said to Be Fitting Tribute to Michael Brown

    08/16/2014 6:07:05 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    The emergence of a convenience store security video tape of Michael Brown roughing up the shopkeeper and stealing boxes of cigars was said to vindicate the looting rampage that followed his being shot by police. "All those stuffed shirts saying that our robbing stores was an inappropriate expression of our anger and grief were dead wrong," asserted a self-identified looter who says her name is Jihadena. "One of the last things Michael did before he was gunned down was rob a store. We're just doing the work he no longer can do. What could be a more fitting tribute to...
  • Kerry Makes Case for Global Warming as Mankind's Greatest Threat

    08/15/2014 8:11:52 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 38 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    US Secretary of State John Kerry continues to baffle observers by insisting that "global warming is, by far, the greatest threat mankind faces in the 21st century." "The reason should be obvious from the term 'global' warming," Kerry said. "This means that it affects everyone. This has to put it ahead of dangers that afflict necessarily narrower categories of victims. The beheading of innocent children by ISIS in Iraq, for example, only affects thousands of people." "The threat to wipe Israel off the map and exterminate the Jews, at worst, would entail the deaths of only a few million," Kerry...
  • Braley’s “Chickens Out” Demand Mars Senate Bid

    08/12/2014 9:20:12 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Iowa’s Democratic nominee for the US Senate Bruce Braley’s hissy fit over a neighbor’s chickens may derail his electoral chances in this farm state. The trouble started when Braley espied a few of neighbor Pauline Hampton’s pet chickens strutting around the yard of his vacation home in the town of Brooklyn and filed a complaint with the home owners association. In an attempt to be neighborly, Hampton proffered a gift of a dozen freshly laid eggs, but Bruce Braley would have none of it. “I can’t be bought off so cheaply,” Braley angrily asserted. “I’m a candidate for the United...
  • 911 Protocols Explained

    08/11/2014 10:11:48 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    When she heard someone breaking into her home, 80-year-old N.J. Logan grabbed a pistol and called 911. The Holmes Beach, Florida 911 operator repeatedly insisted that Logan “put down the gun.” This seemingly counter intuitive advice was labeled “standard protocol” by Holmes Beach Police Captain Abbie Safer. “Our first priority must be to insure the safety of our officers. Ideally, only the police would have guns. Failing that it is our presumption that anyone else with a gun is a perp deadly force will be deployed.” “If Ms. Logan is armed when the police arrive she could get shot,” Safer...
  • Reid Says He Will Make No Apologies for Defending President’s Credibility

    08/10/2014 8:48:19 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    A big part of President Obama’s political message has been the travails he’s suffered because of a “do nothing” Congress. The fact that there are over 300 bills passed by the House that are currently being blocked by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) would seem to rebut the President’s contention. Of these House passed bills, 50% passed unanimously, 70% passed with a 2/3rds majority, and 55 were introduced by Democrat members of the House. “The House has been active trying to craft legislation to address an array of problems,” Rep. Lynn Jenkins (R-Kan) pointed out. “The charge that we...
  • Weiner to Open Wiener Restaurant

    08/09/2014 12:28:00 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 52 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Anthony Weiner, the former Democratic Congressman who gained wide notoriety by tweeting photos of his genitalia is ready to open a new chapter in his life. Spotting what he characterized as “an unfilled niche in the marketplace,” the ex-pol is set to embark upon a restaurant venture in the Queens borough of New York City. “The wiener, or hot dog, is an under appreciated delicacy,” Weiner maintains. “Too often it is relegated to street corner carts where it is hastily prepared, topped with pedestrian condiments, and carelessly scarfed down by the palate-challenged troglodytes who walk our streets.” “At Chez Weiner...
  • Obama Eyes Emancipation Proclamation as Model for Amnesty Executive Order

    08/09/2014 8:39:18 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    Insiders say that President Obama will use President Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation as the model for his anticipated Executive Order granting amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants. In 1862 Lincoln declared that all slaves in territory held by the Rebels were "forever free." He justified it as a wartime necessity. Those close to Obama say he views the parallels as "striking." "As he sees it," says an off-the-record source, "the vast majority of the illegal immigrants reside in states that are hostile to the Administration?at war with his efforts to transform the nation. Thus, as Commander-in-Chief he believes it is his...
  • Judge Denies Plaintiff Access to IRS Emails

    08/08/2014 4:10:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    The quest of those victimized by the IRS’s discriminatory treatment of conservative groups hit a brick wall when U.S. District Court Judge Reggie Walton ruled that the plaintiffs failed to prove that denial of access to the emails would result in “irreparable” harm. “True the Vote,” a conservative organization dedicated to combating vote fraud, had requested that a forensic expert of the court’s choosing attempt to recover the “lost” emails of IRS official Lois Lerner. Lerner has refused to testify to Congress on the grounds that such testimony would be “self incriminating.” Nonetheless, Judge Walton characterized the plaintiff’s suspicions as...
  • Massachusetts Cracks Down on Pro-Life Free Speech [SATIRE]

    08/04/2014 10:35:04 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 August 2014 | John Semmens
    Determined to overcome a recent 9-0 US Supreme Court ruling against the state’s “buffer zones” surrounding abortion clinics, the Massachusetts Legislature enacted a new, more severe buffer zone statute. The penalty for violating the new buffer zone is a fine of up to $50,000 and incarceration of up to three years in jail. Governor Deval Patrick (D) praised “the courage of our legislators who have stood up against judicial tyranny. The right to an abortion is a human right. Women seeking to exercise this right should not be impeded by the unwanted messages of its opponents assaulting their ears on...
  • CIA Strikes Penitent Pose

    08/04/2014 6:29:31 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 August 2014 | John Semmens
    With the escape route of deniability closed, CIA Director John Brennan grudgingly apologized to Senate intelligence committee leaders for his Agency’s covert perusal of their correspondence. “Yeah, we’re sorry,” Brennan growled. “But I still don’t see what the big deal is. We spy on everyone. Why should Senators be exempt from our efforts to protect national security? Are they somehow better than the average Americans they supposedly represent?” “Is it really implausible that Senators having access to classified information might pose a significant security risk?” Brennan continued. “I could argue that the need to keep an eye on what they...
  • Congresswoman Says It’s Time to Stop Whining about Canceled Health Insurance

    08/03/2014 10:54:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 31 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 August 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Anna Eshoo (D-Calif) says she is “tired of hearing pathetic stories from people who have been forced to find new insurance plans under the Affordable Care Act. The ACA has eliminated substandard insurance policies and guaranteed that every American will obtain superior coverage.” “Rather than be grateful that the Government is looking out for their best interests a cadre of complainers are whining that the new plans cost more than their old plans,” Eshoo complained. “Well, duh. These new plans cover more stuff. A lot of the old plans didn’t cover a number of birth control options. Virtually none...
  • Democrat Says President Can Ignore Law If He Wants

    08/03/2014 9:30:32 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 August 2014 | John Semmens
    House Democratic Whip Steny Hoyer (MD) acknowledged that “the President can’t legitimately legalize those who’ve illegally entered the country,” but suggested that “he could decline to enforce the laws against illegal entry against them.” Hoyer argued that “it’s like the cop who decides to overlook your speeding because you’re driving your pregnant wife to the hospital. There are extenuating circumstances that make rigid enforcement of the law cruel.” “Most of those in the country illegally came here for good reasons,” Hoyer pointed out. “They come from countries where their prospects and opportunities are poor—there are no safety nets. In America...
  • President Excuses Hamas Tactics, Condemns Israel

    08/02/2014 10:03:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Aug 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama condemned Israel’s attack on a UN school in Gaza as “barbaric and uncivilized.” The fact that the school housed Hamas weapons that were being used to kill Israeli civilians was considered insufficient grounds for the Israeli Army’s shelling of the building. “As former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton mentioned earlier this week, Gaza is a small country with few locations where weapons can be concealed,” Obama said. “Besides, Hamas had explicit permission from the UN to store armaments in the school’s basement. It is Israel that is acting outside the bounds of internationally agreed upon standards.” UN Secretary...
  • UK's NHS Defends Investment in Boob Jobs

    08/01/2014 2:53:23 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 27 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 August 2014 | John Semmens
    While the United Kingdom's National Health Service spends more than £50 million per year subsidizing breast augmentation surgeries it refuses to pay for a drug that can help extend the survival time for cancer patients. A stark contrast between the cases of Josie Cunningham and Reece Hawley has raised eyebrows. The buxom Ms. Cunningham's breast enlargement was funded by the NHS back in 2009. She currently is selling pay-per-view tickets at £10,000 a pop to see her giving birth later this month. Reece Hawley is a trainee teacher. NHS spokesman Howard Titman attempted to explain the seemingly anomalous treatment of...
  • Woman in Labor Blocked by Obama Motorcade

    07/28/2014 9:43:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2014 | John Semmens
    A woman on the verge of giving birth was blocked from crossing the street to get to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center because the road was blocked in anticipation of President Obama’s motorcade passing by. The woman was told to wait on a bus stop bench while staff from the Medical Center crossed the street to her aid. Los Angeles Police Department spokesman Hector Morales defended the seemingly unnecessary impediment to the woman’s access to health care as “routine protocol. Look, the President of the United States is the world’s most important person. Whatever he is doing must take precedence over anything...
  • President Says We’re Better off “on Practically Every Economic Measure”

    07/28/2014 6:24:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 24 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2014 | John Semmens
    In an interview on CNBC this past week President Barack Obama boasted that his programs “have made America better off on practically every economic measure.” He contended that “the seemingly negative outcomes cited by my critics stem from false consciousness.” “From a broad perspective let’s consider the declining participation in the workforce that many in the GOP harp on,” Obama suggested. “Work, as any economist will tell you, is a disutility. People don’t work because they want to. They work because they have to. The fact that a growing number of Americans can live their lives without having to work...
  • Hamas Defends Investment in Tunnels

    07/27/2014 12:09:12 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Recent criticism from Israel that the $1.25 billion Hamas has spent constructing tunnels from Gaza into Israel has cheated Palestinians out of investments in schools or hospitals was rejected by Hamas's political leader, Khaled Meshal. "The notion that schools or medical care should be a higher priority is a Jewish conceit," Meshal asserted. "It presumes that Western values should supersede Islamic values. We do not contest that schools or health are important matters, but they pale in contrast to the overwhelmingly more important goal of exterminating the Jewish presence in Palestine." "The tunnels," Meshal argued "are a major weapon in...
  • “Despicable” Anti-Clinton Books Should Be Banned

    07/26/2014 9:23:05 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Outraged by the surging popularity of anti-Clinton books overtaking sales of Hillary Clinton’s State Department memoir, Clinton spokesman Nick Merrill offered his opinion that “in a just world such despicable nonsense would neither be allowed nor enabled.” The “despicable nonsense” books Merrill is saying ought to be censored include The First Family Detail by Ronald Kessler, Clinton, Inc. by Daniel Halper and Blood Feud by Ed Klein. “It is a travesty that books like these are outselling a historically important work by a major player in contemporary American history,” Merrill complained. “Their authors are comparative nobodies trying to get rich...
  • Court Ruling on Obamacare Exchanges Assailed

    07/25/2014 5:43:06 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 July 2014 | John Semmens
    This past week’s D.C. Court of Appeals panel ruling that customers in the 36 states that didn’t establish their own exchange and use HealthCare.gov instead cannot be given premium tax credits was assailed by the program’s backers as “flagrant judicial activism.” Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest promised that “this insupportable ruling will be ignored. For the Court to insist upon a literal reading of the statute at this late date would unduly hamper the President’s scope of action. He cannot and will not abide having his hands tied by this judicial interference.” At issue is explicit statutory language in the...
  • White House Claims President’s Appointees “Absolutely Immune”

    07/22/2014 10:47:04 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 19 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Despite audio evidence of prohibited political activity by Obama Administration officials, White House Counsel Neil Eggleston rejected House Oversight and Government Reform Committee requests for testimony from David Simas, director of the White House Office of Political Strategy and Outreach. “Mr Simas and, in fact, everyone working for the President is absolutely immune from any demands Congress or the Judicial branch might seek to impose,” Eggleston contended. “To hold otherwise would undermine the President’s authority to rule this country.” “It would also be unfair to those attempting to carry out the President’s wishes if they were to be held answerable...
  • Bill to Curb “Operation Choke Point” Introduced

    07/22/2014 9:11:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 July 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Blaine Luetkemeyer (R-Mo) is sponsoring H.R. 4986, the End Operation Choke Point Act of 2014. The bill aims to stem Department of Justice abuse of legitimate businesses. Under Operation Choke Point the DOJ working in concert with the FTC, FDIC, OCC, CFPB, and FBI has been intimidating banks in order to deny these financial resources to targeted commercial operations. While DOJ claims it is merely combating criminal activity, legal, but pariah businesses like firearms vending, marijuana dispensaries and check cashing firms have frequently been shut off from the banking system. The Administration opposes the bill. “Even though some businesses...