Free Republic

Arizona Superior Court Judge Thomas Fink declared a mistrial for Arizona rancher George Alan Kelly, 75, who faced charges of second-degree murder in the death of an illegal alien on his property. The jury voted 7-1 not guilty. Only one person voted “guilty of 2nd degree murder (or lesser charges to include negligent homicide and manslaughter).” The incident happened in January 2023: The jury began deliberating April 18. After days of being unable to reach a verdict, the judge overseeing the trial declared a mistrial on Monday. The case centered around the death of Mexican national Gabriel Cuen-Buitimea, who was...

Medieval fire arrows were real! So I followed the old books, made some and tested them in every way I could think of. We have loads of old manuscripts, pictures, drawings, fire arrow heads and recipes of fire arrows but because some people haven't looked at the old information and can't make them work, lots of people think they were a myth. You see them everywhere in films and computer games so it is easy to dismiss them as a modern popular culture affectation - they were as real as you are. So this film is an exhaustive description of...

U.S. — A new service "SquatBNB" has launched, aimed at helping potential squatters find the home of their dreams to take over. "Far too often, squatters take over a new home without knowing the quality of amenities provided, or difficulties dealing with the host," said SquatBNB CEO Don Carmichael. "Our service will allow squatters to read reviews from other squatters who have stayed at a property and see honest feedback about what each home has to offer. We have millions of homes on our site, ready for immediate squatting -- and the best part is, it's absolutely free!" According to...

U.S. — Leaders in the Lone Star State awoke this morning eager to learn how they would be able to address the border crisis as a federal court once again flipped a coin to see if Texas would be allowed to enforce laws today. The daily routine, consisting of finding out whether law enforcement officers would have the power to enforce laws depending on the whims of different federal judges, has swung wildly from one day to the next, leaving Texas officials wondering which side of the argument currently had the advantage. "Step right up for the daily coin flip...

U.S. — An attack by a cell belonging to a violent extremist group was averted last week, as terrorists decided against hijacking a plane after finding out it was made by Boeing. The hijacking, which was allegedly planned to be carried out over the weekend, was called off at the last minute after the group of terrorists behind the plot discovered the flight they were targeting was a Boeing 737, which meant everyone on board — including the terrorists — would be in serious danger. "We're not going anywhere near that deathtrap," said terrorist Abu Musab Alwani, who masterminded the...

NEW YORK, NY — After being viciously booed at an FDNY promotion ceremony last week, New York AG Letitia James has announced she will be issuing $355 million-dollar fines to the perpetrators. "Last week, I was cruelly assaulted and insurrected by racist Trump supporters," said the Attorney General in a statement. "Our democracy is no place for firefighters to express their displeasure with the weaponization of the justice system against their preferred candidate. I will not rest until every guilty party has been tracked down and brought to justice. With a $355 million-dollar fine. And maybe also prison. Thank you."...

WALTHAM, MA — A somber mood fell over one of the nation's foremost defense contractors this morning, as Raytheon lowered its flags to half-staff after Nikki Haley announced she was dropping out of the 2024 presidential race. The aerospace technology corporation, which had been holding out hope that the world would enter a new era of highly profitable war, destruction, and death with the onset of World War III, was devastated by this morning's news that Haley had suspended her campaign. "This is a major blow," said a Raytheon spokesperson. "We are deeply saddened by the news of Nikki Haley...

U.S. — In a landmark decision, the entire cast of The View has voted to overturn the Supreme Court's overturning of the Colorado Supreme Court's decision to remove Trump from the ballot. "These Supreme Court justices are schmucks!" exclaimed beloved TV personality and law expert Joy Behar after receiving word of the ruling. "Everyone knows the Constitution, or the Declaration of Freedom — or whatever that piece of paper is called — clearly states that Trump should never be on the ballot. Because he's clearly a fascist. Duh! Everyone knows that!" Sources say that hosts Behar, along with entertainer Whoopi...

Tucker Carlson asks Hickok45 the tough questions.

ATLANTA, GA — In what some industry insiders have described as a clear case of "one-upmanship," Delta Airlines has raised the diversity, equity, and inclusion bar even higher after introducing its new "short plane" specifically designed for special needs pilots. With increased scrutiny of late on airlines implementing DEI policies among crucial flight crew positions, the Atlanta-based airline giant took the unprecedented step of creating an entirely new model of aircraft to accommodate pilots who are either physically or mentally incapable of operating a standard aircraft. "This is a huge step forward for the retarded folk, er, I mean, the...

John Daly and Kid Rock sit down with Tucker Carlson for drinks and cigars.

I somehow sleep through the midnight knock at the door and even the barking dogs barely get my attention — we get a lot of deer here on Monument Hill and the barking that accompanies their every visit to our yard. The strange man's voice in the foyer got me up and moving in an instant. The tone of the voice said "Cop." My brain immediately flashes to my niece, Naomi. Aged 19 and certainly partying on New Year's, I picture a car wreck before I even quite know what I was thinking. As I'm pulling on my robe, Melissa...

SANTA MONICA, CA — A local man was tragically rendered unable to brush his teeth after he mistakenly neglected to pay the monthly subscription fee on his smart electric toothbrush. "Toothbrush functionality disabled," the toothbrush had chirped loudly after a payment was declined. "Please update your method of payment to continue brushing your teeth." "This is awful," said Jake Brown, owner of the toothbrush. "Things have just been so busy with the holidays and everything going on, I forgot to make this month's payment on my subscription for my OraDent Max, and now I haven't been able to brush my...

CAMBRIDGE, MA — As controversy continued to swirl at Harvard University after the school's board expressed unanimous support for its embattled leader, President Claudine Gay responded to the people calling for her removal by giving a rousing, original speech she wrote called "I Have A Dream." "This is something I just wrote last night to inspire others," Gay said. "It is my hope that this speech, which I wrote entirely myself, will help other people stand up under unjust oppression, just as I have over the last week." Gay then took a piece of paper from her pocket, unfolded it,...

U.S. — In response to increasing displays of antisemitism across the country and around the world, authorities have advised Jewish people to protect themselves from violent attacks by no longer being Jewish. "It's a simple solution," said historic White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is gay and black. "We have seen a sharp rise in antisemitic behavior, so our best advice to Jewish people in fear for their lives is to stop doing Jewy things and consider not being Jewish altogether." As hostilities continue in Gaza between Israeli forces and the terrorist organization Hamas, troubling incidents in multiple cities...

MIAMI, FL — An NFL game almost became watchable today, but was saved at the last moment by veteran referee John Ross. "Not on my watch," said Ross as he strode to midfield with his fellow referees, aimlessly launching a flag. "Now let's stand here and make hand gestures to each other for a couple minutes until all the momentum and excitement has left the building." Before the incident, the game between the Dolphins and Patriots had been going along as usual, with inane penalties and countless delays sucking all the life out the atmosphere. "Somehow, right in the middle...

LOS ANGELES, CA — As emergency crews continued to investigate the cause of the fire that damaged the 10 freeway in downtown L.A., a new report indicates the blaze occurred as the result of a plan created by Governor Gavin Newsom to burn all of the state's major freeways so no more California residents can move out of the state. "It's a diabolical, but brilliant scheme," said sociologist Dr. Blake Rumsey. "If there are no useable roads, nobody can leave California, and the state will stop hemorrhaging its population. Newsom hatched quite a little plan here, it seems. After all,...

ROCKFORD, IL — After tragedy struck a local family last night, local dad Jordan Duckworth bore the unenviable task of notifying his children that a burglar had broken into their home and stolen all of the Reese's peanut butter cups they had received while trick-or-treating. "I'm sorry, kids. Our house was robbed last night," Mr. Duckworth said sadly after gathering his kids in the kitchen this morning. "Fortunately, the thief didn't take your mother's jewelry, our television, or the bar of pure gold we keep on the coffee table for some reason. Kids, I'm afraid he only took…your Reese's peanut...

Traditional bullets lose their deadly momentum within mere feet when submerged, rendering water a safe haven from gunfire. However, this paradigm is on the brink of an epic shift, thanks to an innovative breakthrough by Norway's DSG. Harnessing the enigmatic powers of supercavitation, DSG has engineered a projectile that defies the constraints of underwater physics. The CAV-X bullet, with its unique design, breaks through the watery barrier that has long shielded those seeking refuge beneath the surface, striking targets up to 200 feet away, and opening up the possibility for a new breed of underwater soldiers…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — New York Congressman Jamaal Bowman again found himself trying to explain away an awkward situation today, as he apparently once again pulled the Capitol fire alarm whilst attempting to flush a urinal. "Oh my, is that what that does? I thought it was for the urinal," Bowman reportedly said when questioned by the Capitol Police. "I was just trying to get rid of my waste. Shaking hands with an old friend, you know? I thought pulling that lever would evacuate my urine from the receptacle. My mistake!" Republican members of Congress and skeptical American citizens expressed doubt...