Posted on 05/04/2005 4:51:43 AM PDT by genefromjersey
SPECIAL BULLETIN !!
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front.
The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as downpayment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Kroger grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan,including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
DRUM ROLL PLEASE
(Go all the way to the end!)
(Ready?)
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGERS"
Ta daaaa!
Groan.
How sad.
I propose we do a pun/shaggy dog story/joke thread, but only post the punchlines!
I'll start:
"The squaw on the hippopotomus is equal to the son of the squaws on the two hides"
Dang, that is a deal! They're $2.99 each in my neck of the woods. ;-)
Lettuce now all clap in unison for this memorable vanity.
Leni
SLOW NEWS SWEEPPS
Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?
"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
An absolute classic.
He was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
Okay. . .
"If a sheep is a ram and a donkey an ass. . .why is a ram in the ass a goose?"
I can't remember his name, but his face rings a bell.
Ouch. Do you have any idea how old that is? My grandfather used to tell that joke.
Speaking of husbands and wives:
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience,
for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bubba and Junior
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
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