Posted on 09/13/2005 6:16:59 PM PDT by WestTexasWend
Forgive me if this is posted in the wrong place, and forgive me for passing these on. Misery loves company.
Really, really bad... Really.
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad....) A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Groan!
Hysterical! Thanks!
Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?
Ya beat me!
in that case
My beeber is stunned that some one would post these puns...!
(that was probably as bad.)
I don't have a clever, funny punchline to add to that.
I just thought I'd sieze on an opportunity to throw it out there.
"afraid a zot may be in your future."
Sorry. Ignorance is no excuse, and I'm no crybaby so I'll take my lumps and go back to lurking.
If I never freep again, remember...they weren't my puns. ;)
NO arguements here.. Just read my tagline and you'll see my love for slick willy.
Not to worry,looks like all is well.
The New Orleans Police Chief came running up to the Mayor. He breathlessly told Nagin, that the looters had stolen all of the bathroom fixtures in the courthouse!
Nagin was outraged. "Who could have done this??"
The police chief said sadly, "sorry, sir, but we have nothing to go on".
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
Stop it! You guys are killing me! LOL!
Actually, I liked 'em.
Even laughed at a couple.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
You know, the drink "Gatoraid" was developed by the University of Florida, who's mascot is a "Gator."
Lots of people know this.
What many people don't know is that the project was originally slated for Florida State, but they changed it at the last minute.
Why?
They decided that a product named "Gatoraid" would be more marketable than "Seminole Fluid."
OK! (Falling out of my chair laughing.) Where do you get these?
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