Posted on 03/04/2017 7:51:06 PM PST by proud American in Canada
I’m the last person to come to seeking advice on relationships, so I offer you no advice, but I will pray for you.
gut buster funny comeback! :). oops blew my cover on this thread. thanks for the laugh, tiny.
for Proud: you sound like such a godly woman, i’m praying that you both pull it together and work it out. if i read right, health issues can sometimes really throw non-believers, God may be working to bring him to salvation through that. also, as Paul said, the believer, sanctifies the unbeliever. your long suffering now may be God’s key to saving his soul. but of course you two must decide your course together, hopefully with God’s will and guidence. may God bless your family. i think all of us are rooting and praying for the best outcome for you and yours and your precious marriage.
You have fun and laugh together? And you want to divorce? You need to give your head a shake. If you can have fun and laugh together, then you must still like each other. Heck, lots of people would give their eye tooth for that. Physical closeness is far less important than enjoying each other’s company.
Just my opinion, but you could be jumping out of a nice, comfortable relationship into God only knows what.
I know what you’re saying but I don’t want people to be discouraged.
There are some really good people out there. They are alone or feel alone.
Sadly, she can be another one of those people.
Sympathies!
Married 26 years, with two kids.
1st...emotions go up and down, with wife, I’ve learned the hard way to (a) keep mouth shut when she is venting because she is usually not expecting me to solve the whatever issue, but rather just releasing stress via venting (even if it stresses me).
(b) when wife is not happy with me, it is usually because I am so busy and tired that I am not in the mood to spend much time with her....not due to lack of love, but due to just being tired....but wives tend to see that as “he doesn’t love me”.
Wives tend to equate “love me” with spending time with her. Which is not a reliable method....if husband getting older and has his own stess (work, money, watching politics, etc), they he has less room for affection and cuddling, sex and words of love. Guys get worn out at times and just need to regain energy via rest and recreation.
If divorce, do it before having kids....with kids, there is no chance of a real separation.
Also think of the kids, what is best for them, short of you being abused, is a loving two parent family. Put the welfare of the kids ahead of your wants and wishes.
Just as you look at him thru your eyes, now look at you, your appearance and your behavior thru his eyes, thru the eyes of a guy.
IMO, women are the cause of 80% of divorces since too many women are like Dr. Jekyl (nice) while dating but turn into Mr. Hyde (nagging, complaining, critical) type wives after they get the ring.
Once a day, say something nice and complimentary (even a “I love you” if you can’t think of anything else).
Love is like a fire, don’t be the one peeing on it.
My wife is a typical A. I was too. To save our relationship, I made myself a B.
Massage oil.
Never underestimate the power of a long....slow...back rub.
He could also be into porn...porn damages a guy’s sexual urge for his wife...it is like a narcotic...what initially gets a guy excited, in time is too tame and like a coke addict requires more and more extreme stuff to get him up...meanwhile totally messing up the normal marital sex...guy ends up never in the mood because he needs now extreme types of porn to get himself up...so wife starts thinking him incapable physically (which is not far from the truth..or thinking he doesn’t love her anymore...rarely the issue).
The guy can, once he realizes how the porn is neutering him, quit it as long as he can have sex with wife when he wants it (not easy to do with kids since kids tend to think the idea of their parents having sex as gross...kids think anyone past 35 yrs old are too old to be doing it.
Sounds like you haven’t discussed the situation with your husband. Probably won’t go away on it’s own so it has to be talked about sometime. You owe it to both of you, and your kids.
If face to face is intimidating for some reason, how about a gentle note with a flower (or a strip of bacon)?
Good to want to go to church.
Better to look at how Jesus made himself the servant of others and do the same for hubbie...do what he wants to do, not you.
My marriage has lasted 26 yrs by me doing that whenever I’m strong enough to not be putting my wants ahead of wife’s and kids.
Yeah, worse thing a wife can do to a guy is to laugh or make smary comments on a night when we try but fail to get it up. Our ability to get it up is linked to our self esteem. Failure to get it up makes us doubt ourselves and become insecure. Wife needs say...”You are probably tired and had a stressful day...we do it so other time.”
If you got fat he wishes you would lose weight but he does not want to tell you.
Just sayin from my own experience. I’m a guy.
I've tried to do something similar with my wife, but I never made it a rule. I think I'm about to.
I am sorry you are feeling lonely and unloved...I have walked that path and here is what I have learned...
I have been married for 25 years and I have learned over that 25 years that love is like an ocean tide. The “feeling of love” comes and goes and comes again. There have been years where I questioned sticking it out (we have 3 children). There were times when I didn’t “feel” love for him and he saw that and it hurt him. There were times when he didn’t “feel” love for me and we separated for almost a year. During that year I cried and screamed and then started looking inward and accepting where I played a part in all the devastation. All the while during that year I prayed and asked God to please show me where I needed to change and I also asked God to work on him concerning the things God wanted to change (not what I wanted God to change in him). It was hard and lonely and sad and yet some days I never felt closer to my Father in heaven than that year.
We did meet with a Christian therapist at the very beginning of the separation. I eventually quit after about 2 months and then so did he. I had pastors say to me “let him go” but as time went by I just prayed harder for God to help me become the person GOD had intended for me to be and the same for him.
I can tell you that the Lord did bring us back together and HE healed that relationship. He changed both of us over that year SEPARATELY.
We have now been married 25 years and I cannot say we have never fought since getting back together nor can I say I am the perfect wife and he is the perfect husband. I cannot say we have “felt” love every day since our reconciliation. However, we can both say that even though there have been days where we haven’t really “felt” that loving feeling, there would be days that came after that we did...sometimes as strong as the love we felt the day we said “I do” and sometimes even more than then.
Love is not simply a feeling. It is a commitment to stick it out through the good and the bad. It is a commitment to stick with it until you feel it once again and trust me if you stick it out and pray through it...it will come once again just like the tide.
I wish you the very best and I pray you don’t give up. Your incoming tide may be just around the corner.
But don’t you think it’s better for folks to know the reality of what awaits on the “later in life” dating scene?
I will add I appreciate the compassion for others that you display.
p.p.s NEVER ask your husband “Am I too fat?” (or anything like that). Normal guys will not want to say “yes”.
Instead ask husband something like, “Dear, I would like to get a gym membership and take some exercise classes.”
that is a better way of asking him if he would like you to take some weight off.
Weight is easy to gain, very hard to take off.
This is by far the best post I’ve ever seen on this subject.
The divorce is final long before it gets to court.
I find myself relating to your post. My wife is Italian and Greek by heritage and has PTSD (thanks daddy). Life is interesting.
That being said we have found a middle ground and it’s fine when the PTSD doesn’t kick in. Now that we’ve identified it I know how to not make it worse.
If you said your vows it’s up to you to live by the rules that you said before God. I’m not a quitter.
Proud—looks like posts 89 and 96 are meant for you
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