Skip to comments.Church Chuckles
Posted on 01/10/2018 2:47:24 AM PST by sodpoodle
Why Go to Church?
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: One, you're 59 years old, and two you're the pastor!"
The Picnic - A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
The Usher An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row, please, " she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No," he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No," she said. "Good," he answered.
Show and Tell A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary. " The third student got in up front of the class & said, "My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran & this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole." The Twenty and the One A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ." The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church? Goat for Dinner The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "
Thanks for sharing
So the small-town pastor was visiting with the priest in the next town over, lamenting that someone had stolen his bicycle. The priest said “Well - practically everybody in town goes to your church. Why don't you do a sermon on the Ten Commandments and they'll feel so guilty about “Do not Steal” that they'll return it.
The next week the pastor comes pedaling down the road on his bike to visit the priest.
“Ha - I knew someone would return it to you!”
“Oh. Well not really. I got to the one about “Thou shalt not commit adultery - and remembered where I had left it.”
Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as the head of the Church, Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the Messiah, and Baptists don’t recognize each other at the liquor store.
A Sunday school teacher asked her students, “Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” A small girl replied, “Because so many people are sleeping!”
I like the one about the telephone repair guy!
Dont keep it a secret
I was listening to a sermon about sin. The pastor asked, “Who’s sin was greater, Adam’s or Eve’s? Eve listened to Satan, a superior intellect. Adam listened to a woman.”
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his book, and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: “So, how are things in Hell?” Satan replies: “Things are going great. We have air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. There’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
“What!” God exclaims: “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake; he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.”
“Not a chance,” Satan replies: “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”
God insists: “Send him back or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs and answers: “Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?”
Where there are four Episcopalians, there is always a fifth.
Q: Why can’t Baptists have sex standing up?
A: It might lead to dancing.
It’s in the last paragraph of the original post. I didn’t want to ruin the punchline.
Do you know why Baptists dont have sex standing up? Because it leads to dancing.
I like the one about the engineer.
When I was a young’un there were three denominations in our county.
The son’s of the Lutherans were the biggest drinkers in the county.
The daughters of the Methodists were the loosest girls around.
When a Baptists son got drunk and impregnated a girl it was always the Lutherans and Methodists who got the blame.
Danny O’Reilly sat down in the confessional one day.
“Father” he said, “last night I had a night of passionate lovemaking with a young lady.”
“Was It Susan O’Mally?” the priest asked.
“Father I promised the lady her name would never leave my lips” Danny replied.
“Was It Libby O’Neill?”
“By my honor Father, I can not tell.”
“Was it Karen Patrick?”
“Again Father, I can not break my promise.”
Duly impressed with young Danny’s refusal to break his promise the priest absolved him and sent him on his way.
As Danny was leaving he passed his buddy Sean.
“What didya get” Sean asked.
“Three good leads” Danny replied.
A true story and not religion related, though my parents are now with the Lord:
My father was the true definition of a ‘gently man,’ however, he was not a good joke teller. One night at the dinner table, he made an attempt that began with, “Stop me if you’vs heard this one.” As my father uttered the first syllable, I exclaimed, “Stop!” My mother exploded in laughter, and my father turned beet red and fell silent. He took it all in his usual good humor, but I regret to this day having thwarted his attempt at humor. He no longer told jokes after that incident. I’m an engineer, and when I (hopefully) get to Heaven, I intend to render a heartfelt apology and encourage my father to tell all the jokes he wishes. My mother and I will listen intently and laugh loudly at every punchline.
“Folks, I have bad news, good news, and bad news. First the bad news, the roof has to be replaced. The good news is, the church has the money to do it. The bad news is, its still in your pockets.”
Shortly thereafter, he died. When he arrived at the pearly gates, he was stopped by St. Peter. "I'm sorry sir, but you know the rules -- you can't take it with you. You may enter, but the suitcase has to stay outside." "But God told me I could bring one suitcase," the man protested. "Well, if God says it's O.K. -- but I still need to examine the contents before you enter." St. Peter took the suitcase from the man, opened it, and, looking very puzzled, said to the man, "You brought pavement?"
Years ago my now grown son was around two years old and the pastor was preaching about sin and asked who in here is without sin? I was running the sound system and I saw my sons little noggin pop up and before my wife knew what was happening he blurts out ME and raises his hand! The church got a good laugh at that one.
But he was not done. He was around three when this happened and the choir was singing and we had this little old lady who would get happy and start shouting. Well this Sunday morning she was getting in the spirit and it in her and I could tell she was going to start. She cuts loose with a shout and up pops my sons little auger head and my wife was reaching to grab him and he cuts loose with an Indian war whoop right back at her. My wife is trying to tell him no-no shhh! The people around them lost it. He got taken outside many times for being noisy and one Sunday my wife was taking him to the front porch for some negative reinforcement and he exclaimed as they went out the door, but Momma I don’t want my hiney busted again! Again the congregation lost it...
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