Posted on 07/09/2020 4:06:17 AM PDT by sodpoodle
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that's how the fight started…..
_____________________________
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?’
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?’
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..’
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend.”
And that's when the fight started…
______________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?”
"Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that's when the fight started . . .
______________________________ _
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?”
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t
Been sober since.”
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started . .
______________________________ _
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp . . .
______________________________ ___
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?”
I said, "Dust.”
And then the fight started . .
______________________________ ___
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2 seconds.”
I bought her bathroom scales.
And then the fight started . .
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt”.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too.”
And then the fight started . .
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
I replied, "Your eyesight's perfect.”
And then the fight started . .
I rear-ended a car this morning . . . the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!”
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?”
That's how the fight started . . .
Getting old is getting old!!!
Probably ... but it’s good to recycle them once in a while. Good to start the day with a laugh or two or three.
Thank you, again...sodpoodle!
I must have been missing your threads...:)
LOL those were funny, thanks!
ROFL
Timeless. :)
Needs a ping for the last one...
ROFL
Thanks for the laughs. We need that. Maybe we can defeat the enemy with cheer.
My dad had a business at home so it was normal for him to be there when I got home from school. One day I walked in to find him sitting on the couch with his hand wrapped up and resting on a pillow.
“Gosh dad, what happened?!”
“I hit myself really hard with a hammer, three times today.”
“Why didn’t you stop?!”
And that’s when the fight started.
True story.
Peach
“There’s no such thing as an ‘Old Joke’ if you’ve never heard it before.”......Groucho Marx...............
the jokes I tell are usually older than me. I still think they are funny
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...
” “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?” And that’s how the fight started...”
And THAT is the funniest one. AND new to me! ;)
many thanks!
Sodpoodle, it's not personal, it's a matter of survival.
Joan Rivers said she was in bed with her husband and asked him, "Talk dirty to me."
He said, "The kitchen, the bathroom . . ."
And that's when . . .
More Groucho
"This morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
And then the fight started.....
Reminds me of a mother in law, getting ready for a social function. She came out of the bedroom and approached the man and his lovely wife of just a few years and asked:”Does this outfit make me look fat?” He covered his mouth as the wife leaned over and said, “No, its the fat on your a$$ makes you look fat” The mother in law blamed the man and they haven’t spoken for many years now...
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