Posted on 10/30/2020 7:48:43 AM PDT by Colonial35
Good Morning! She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already
dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,
who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said.
‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’
Problem is...we had Lucas electrics.
It’s the 30s in Berlin and Irv Rosenberg boards the trolley car that will take him away from the shtetl and to his meagre employment as a pickle-maker.
At the next stop, an SA man gets on the same car. His German Shepherd snarling at the poor Jew.
After some time in awkward silence, the SA man turns to Irv and says - “Swine! Dirty Swine!”
Whereupon the Jew replies -
“Rosenberg. Irv Rosenberg. Pleasure to meet you.”
True Story:
My sister visited Ireland and spent quite a bit of time in the traditional Irish Pubs chatting with the locals. They sat with a particularly garrulous old couple. Every other word out of the old Irishman’s mouth was some iteration of the word “fook”. He used it as a noun, a verb, an adverb, an adjective, and even as some of the more arcane parts of speech.
At one point, my sister, an Evangelical Christian, said, “My, you folks sure do have a colorful way of expressing yourselves!”
The wife of the Irishman smacked her husband with her purse, and exclaimed:
“I FOOKIN TOLD YE TE WATCH YER FOOKIN MOUTH AROUND THE FOOKIN AMERICANS!!!!!!!”
Thanks for the invite, I needed a few chuckles
I had read this account before. It was attributed to Buzz Beurling, WW2 Canadian Flying Ace.
CHEAP BOAST: Funny, that happened to me last time my wife was cooking ribs.
LOL!.......................
Corporate terminology for job hunters, part 1:
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don’t pay you enough to expect that you’ll dress nicely.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST BE FLEXIBLE: On many occasions, you’ll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.
An elderly couple are sitting in the nursing home courtyard.
One turns to the other and says “I never went streaking back
when that was the fad. You want to do it now?” The other says
“What have we got to lose now?” So they take off their clothes
and run around the courtyard past an older couple on a bench.
After they pass the man turns to the woman and says
“What we’re they wearing?” “I don’t know, but it sure needed ironing.”
I became confused when I heard the word “Service” used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue ‘Service’
U.S. Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Cable TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
State, City, County & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’
This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a
bull to ‘Service’ a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that
the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and
get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the
four blocks home. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to
pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as
soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing
over him, shouting, “SO YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!”
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,
“What makes you say that?”
“The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.”
My boss texted me, “Send me one of your funny jokes.”
I replied, “I’m working at the moment, I will send you one later.”
He replied, “That was fantastic, send me another one.”
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation
I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the
beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,”
the nurse told me. “I haven’t got an erection,” I replied.
“No, but I have,” replied the nurse.
Don’t get a colonoscopy in San Francisco!
Theater seats -
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
“Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man just groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient.
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the
aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them
tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly
then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned. “Where ya from, Fred?” asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle,
Fred replied............”The balcony.”
that one made me laugh out loud!
I think I’m going to take up fishing!)
Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache,
cotton-mouthed and unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
He made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete fool of yourself.
You succeeded in antagonizing the entire marketing department and you insulted
the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an idiot,” Bob said. “Piss on him!”
“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said Bob.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”
The Iranian ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked
out into the lobby where he met the United States ambassador, John Bolton.
They exchanged pleasantries and as they walked the Iranian said, “You know I have
just one question about what I have seen in America.”
Ambassador Bolton said, “Well anything I can do to help you, I will.”
The Iranian whispered, “My son watches this show ‘Star Trek’ and in it there is
Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese,
but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why there aren’t any
Arabs or Muslims on Star Trek.”
Bolton laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and whispered back,
“It’s because it takes place in the future.”
There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a
game of intelligence with him.
The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds.
He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5,
but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.
The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought
for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.
The lawyer fires his first question “What is the distance between the Earth and the
nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.
The blonde then asked the lawyer “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back
down the hill with 4 legs?”
The lawyer’s face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours,
looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous
air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer.
Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.
The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word.
The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, “Well, what is answer?”
The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.