Posted on 10/30/2020 7:48:43 AM PDT by Colonial35
Good Morning! She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
An old Irish World War II Spitfire pilot and flying ACE, was speaking in a
church and reminiscing about his war experiences. “In 1942,” he says,
“the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force.
I remember,” he continues, “one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly,
out of the clouds, these Fokker’s appeared.”
There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.
“I looked up, and realized that two of the Fokker’s were directly above me.
I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was
right on my tail.”
At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing
with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.
The pastor finally stands up and says, “I think I should point out that ‘Fokker’
was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used
by the Germans during the war.”
“Yes, that’s true,” says the old pilot, “but these Fokker’s were flying Messerschmidt’s.”
Irish Fishing
It was raining hard and a big puddlehad formed in front of the little
Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a
string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
‘Fishing’, replied the old man. Poor old fool, thought the gentlemen.
So, he decided he would invite the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey,
the gentleman asked, ‘And, how many have you caught today?’
‘You’re the eighth.’
During his golfing vacation at Martha’s Vineyard - President Obama had been slicing
off the tee on every hole. He asks his Scottish born caddy if he has noticed any
obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:
“Aye, there’s a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver.”
The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face,
at which point the caddy says:
“No, the other end.”
This one from Jeff Foxworthy. Which side of the fence?
If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!
If a Conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a Liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
If a Liberal is down-and-out he wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a Conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
A Liberal demands that those they don’t like be shut down.
If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A Liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it,
or may choose a job that provides it.
If a Liberal decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a Conservative reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A Liberal will delete it because he’s “offended.”
Billy Bob tells his friend Luther, “This year I’m gonna do my vacation different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.”
“Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.”
“Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.”
“Last year you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again!”
Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, whatcha you gonna do this year that’s different?”
“This year I’m taking Earlene with me.”
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on
the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
“Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would
scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver
I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years”.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and
looks at his clock, and it’s 3:30 in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a
man standing on the porch. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??”
“No, get lost! It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
“That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain
on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that
man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian
thing to help him.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,
“Hey, do you still want a push?”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”
And the drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”
Airborne approximately thirty minutes, the lead flight attendant nervously made
the following painful announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry but it
appears that there has been a terrible mixup one minute prior to takeoff,
by our airport catering service... I don’t know how this has happened but we have
103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize
for this mistake and inconvenience.”
When the passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued,
“Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will
receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...
“If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available!
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny,
do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark?”
“No,” replied Johnny.
“How could he, with just two worms.”
Bookmark
So the minute eggs were nearly done cooking? :-)
At the root of every gray hair, there is a dead brain cell.
Someone had to remind me, So I’m reminding you, too.
Don’t laugh..... It is all true!
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 & beyond!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run — anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, ‘Did I wake you?’
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge..
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance Is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER,NEVER, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill,
and a laxative on the same night!
Pappa, Mamma and Baby mole are in their hole relaxing.
Suddenly Pappa mole says, “I smell honey,” and sticks his head out
of the hole to look around.
Then Mamma mole says, “I smell maple syrup,” so she sticks her head
out of the hole to look around.
Baby mole is too small to see out the hole so he says,
“All I smell is molasses.”
How I learned to mind my own business...
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and the patients were all
shouting 13...13...13
The fence was too tall but I spotted a crack between two boards, so I put my eye
to the crack and looked.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick and they
started shouting 14...14...14...
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words.
Stop shaking the ladder you little bastard...
When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my uncle Vince.
Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his van.
Silence is golden. Unless you have a toddler...then silence is very suspicious.
It’s not a toe it’s a furniture location device.
You are never worthless...Organs go for a lot on the black market.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because you didn’t cook it.
Roses are red. Pizza sauce is too.
I ordered a large. And none of it’s for you.
Do you know what happens after 14 tequila shots? That’s OK nobody else does either...
If you’re deaf, every fart is a gamble.
Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’.
He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked.
‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
When I was 10 I realized how dumb everything I said as a child was.
When I was 20 I realized how dumb everything I said in my teens was.
Now I’m beginning to realize why old people don’t talk much.
Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times
for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place
not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I scanned the car
park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left
my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call
of all, to my husband’s mobile. “Hello My Love,” I stammered; I always call him
“My Love” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a long period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then
I heard his voice. He barked, “I dropped you off!” Now it was my time to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, “Well, please come and get me.” He retorted, “I will, as soon
as I can convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”
Obama to Caddie: Wow did you see my power drive....
Caddie (to self)....The fool teed up on an addled duck egg.
At a first date:
He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
He: “I’m a butcher.”
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