An old Irish World War II Spitfire pilot and flying ACE, was speaking in a
church and reminiscing about his war experiences. “In 1942,” he says,
“the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force.
I remember,” he continues, “one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly,
out of the clouds, these Fokker’s appeared.”
There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.
“I looked up, and realized that two of the Fokker’s were directly above me.
I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was
right on my tail.”
At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing
with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.
The pastor finally stands up and says, “I think I should point out that ‘Fokker’
was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used
by the Germans during the war.”
“Yes, that’s true,” says the old pilot, “but these Fokker’s were flying Messerschmidt’s.”
During his golfing vacation at Martha’s Vineyard - President Obama had been slicing
off the tee on every hole. He asks his Scottish born caddy if he has noticed any
obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:
“Aye, there’s a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver.”
The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face,
at which point the caddy says:
“No, the other end.”
This one from Jeff Foxworthy. Which side of the fence?
If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!
If a Conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a Liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
If a Liberal is down-and-out he wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a Conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
A Liberal demands that those they don’t like be shut down.
If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A Liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it,
or may choose a job that provides it.
If a Liberal decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a Conservative reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A Liberal will delete it because he’s “offended.”
Billy Bob tells his friend Luther, “This year I’m gonna do my vacation different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.”
“Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.”
“Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.”
“Last year you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again!”
Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, whatcha you gonna do this year that’s different?”
“This year I’m taking Earlene with me.”
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on
the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
“Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would
scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver
I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years”.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and
looks at his clock, and it’s 3:30 in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a
man standing on the porch. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??”
“No, get lost! It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
“That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain
on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that
man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian
thing to help him.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,
“Hey, do you still want a push?”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”
And the drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”
Airborne approximately thirty minutes, the lead flight attendant nervously made
the following painful announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry but it
appears that there has been a terrible mixup one minute prior to takeoff,
by our airport catering service... I don’t know how this has happened but we have
103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize
for this mistake and inconvenience.”
When the passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued,
“Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will
receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...
“If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available!
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny,
do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark?”
“No,” replied Johnny.
“How could he, with just two worms.”
Bookmark
So the minute eggs were nearly done cooking? :-)
At a first date:
He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
He: “I’m a butcher.”
It’s the 30s in Berlin and Irv Rosenberg boards the trolley car that will take him away from the shtetl and to his meagre employment as a pickle-maker.
At the next stop, an SA man gets on the same car. His German Shepherd snarling at the poor Jew.
After some time in awkward silence, the SA man turns to Irv and says - “Swine! Dirty Swine!”
Whereupon the Jew replies -
“Rosenberg. Irv Rosenberg. Pleasure to meet you.”
Thanks for the invite, I needed a few chuckles
CHEAP BOAST: Funny, that happened to me last time my wife was cooking ribs.
Did you know what happened to Helena Rubinstein?
Max Factor
Foamy The Squirrel drops some Halloween truth: https://youtu.be/H3VUjHSycpI
Wonderful. Thank you for the ping! HAPPY FRIDAY!