Skip to comments.GUEST COLUMN: How to Talk to Your Pansy Marxist Nephew at Thanksgiving
Posted on 11/25/2015 12:03:12 PM PST by SoFloFreeper
Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for publishing my column. I'm a big fan of this holiday because few things are more American than boozing up and chowing down 'til your ankles swell and your corduroys pop. In between, you get to watch some football and share your thoughts on the trainwreck presidency of Barack Hussein Obama (hint hint). I consider myself a knowledgable debater because I read up on the blogs and I'm typically one of the most "liked" commenters on the articles.
The reason I'm writing this is because my brother's dumb kid likes to get chatty with me. I've never seen anyone bring so many printouts to the dinner table. His "talking points," he says. Reminds me of my last divorce, all those friggin' printouts. This kid, my nephew, will never admit to being a communist, it's always this "moderate independent" crap. But his Facebook feed is full of Bernie Sandinista, if you know what I mean, and he recently tweeted some gibberish about riding the bus in Czechoslovakia and identifying as a "human being" instead of what he is, an American. He's been a "student" at some Ivy League circlejerk for the better part of a decade.
I think he's 29, who the hell even cares? If he's the future, this country's digging its own grave and I'm glad I won't be there when it finally kicks the bucket. When I was his age, I was flying Ranger battalions into Grenada in '83. I spent Thanksgiving there, and believe me, we didn't have any damn printouts. We had a war, son.
A lot of my buddies have similar situations in their families, and they're always asking me for advice on how to put up with this left-wing propaganda. Well, I'll give you a taste.
He's gonna be all like "you're just giving ISIS what they want."
I'll come back at him with something like: "You know, you raise an interesting point there, Brayden. I'll tell you what, why don't you invite one of your ISIS pals around the house and we'll see how much he likes it when I slash his guts out with the turkey knife. You think that's what he wants? They want us to crush them?
Tell me something, how did you feel when your Little League team got mercy-ruled by those country boys in the district finals? Is that what you wanted? Were you just phoning it in for the "participant" trophy? Is that why you're too afraid to shave that pathetic beard? Because that's what ISIS wants?
Am I bothering you right now? Did I carpet bomb your safe space? Maybe, just maybe, what ISIS really wants is a world with fewer people like me, who've looked evil in the eye and given a few titty-twisters in our day, and more people like the skinny jean cycle jockeys you pal around with at Yale, with your ska music and your websites and "fantasy" sports.
Maybe what ISIS wants is your dental floss forearms that can barely hold a selfie stick, much less a BAR. Do those Vox cards have a talking point for that? Oh, really?
Because I was under the impression that in A-m-e-r-i-c-a, the proper way to usher in the holiday season is with a stiff Rusty Nail, not a "dialogue" about small pox and genocide, unless you want to share your feelings about the mass murder ISIS wants to bring down on your ass? Is that a topic we can let marinate? I bet you had to print out the lyrics to our national anthem when you went to sing it in the quad the night we elected President Hopey Change.
No, you listen. You listen, Brayden. Whenâs the last time you got a blister on those hands? Donât mention the time you tried eating the vegan hotdog at the WNBA game you made me take you to out of "fairness." You didnât even watch the game. You just tweeted about sexism on your iPad. You know, that little computer screen made by Apple, which last I checked was a corporation, Mr. Occupy. Don't deny it, I was watching you. You only looked up when Taylor Swift came over the PA system. How do you think that made Brittney Griner feel? Remind me: What's the name of the union for people who Twitter all day from an air conditioned office? Because I don't think "amateur food photographer" counts as a real job."
I plan to say this to the little pansy in a firm but slightly mocking tone as I pour another bourbon while eating processed turkey and holding a lit cigarette. Email me at email@example.com with any questions. Carpe cibum!
Free Beacon is having a little fun with that....
Well, first of all, do it after he wakes up...
Of course you will have some enemies in your midst for decking him.
well the transition might be difficult. you go directly from the kid’s table to the closet
yeah no. I’m pretty sure all of my nephews, even the “progressive” one, who is, unfortunately my favorite, know i would put their heads through a wall if they said anything really stupid in front of me.
And I am working on that nephew. Trust me.
My pansy Marxist nephews are products of their pansy Marxist father; ALL hate America and thus do not celebrate American holidays.
I have no nephew named Barack!!!
waste of time to talk to most. short assessment to see if its worth it, and if not, disengage. not worth wasting your time.
disavowed relatives bump for later...
-— This kid, my nephew, will never admit to being a communist, it’s always this “moderate independent” crap. But his Facebook feed is full of Bernie Sandinista,-—
This is my nephew. I have two or three more like him.
Personally, I don’t think the confrontation is worth it. You’ll never get through to these people. My wife and I spend our holidays with each other and that’s the way we like it. It’s a lot less stressful.
As for fighting in Grenada, I salute any man or woman who served and Grenada was a real battle. But I remember hearing a comedian saying he was really pissed because he had to postpone a date for a few days while he went to Grenada.
Fortunately, I don’t have one of those.
But, if I did, I’d lay out the rule that no politics will be discussed at Thanksgiving.
How old is he? Your favorite nephew, I mean.
We are going into the belly of the beast tomorrow. I’ll see whether the autographed photo of our nephew’s mother with Obama is still on the fridge. I’m guessing it won’t be. Our nephew (actually he’s a cousin but I think of him as a nephew) is a wonderful host and I won’t be challenging him. His mother however is a different kettle of fish. I’m even taking a vegan dish.
My condolences. Holidays must be fun for you. :/
He should have the article printed out about the female libtard who went to help ISIS or whatever the heck she did - and they killed her.
Well, it’s never too late to change. I wish you the best of luck.
Must. Control. Raucous. Laughter...
Or those homosexuals they threw off the roof.
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