Posted on 04/09/2018 4:57:45 AM PDT by Tolerance Sucks Rocks
Kelly Clemente found out she was pregnant when she was 18. She had just finished her first semester of college, and up until then, described herself as your typical “all-American girl.”
She got good grades, was a member of a sorority, and ran on the track team.
When she saw that pregnancy test, “My life is over,” she thought.
“I was like, it doesn’t even matter. Nothing matters anymore,” Kelly told The Daily Signal.
Kelly, unlike most girls her age, was familiar with the implications of an unplanned pregnancy. In high school, she volunteered at HOPE in Northern Virginia, a nonprofit that creates gift baskets for mothers faced with an unplanned pregnancy.
Although she shared compassion for them, Kelly had bought into the stigmas about birth moms. “I’ll never be one of those women,” she thought.
But she was wrong. At 18, Kelly became an unplanned pregnancy statistic. “I was no better than these women that I was creating baskets for,” she said.
After crying and feeling nothing but noise and chaos, Kelly thought of her little sister, who her parents had adopted into their family from Central America.
“I thought of the joy she brought into our family, and for the first moment after hours of crying, I felt calm, and I felt peaceful,” Kelly said. “I knew that I needed to make the decision that my sister’s birth mom had made.”
Kelly would carry her baby to term, and place him—or her—for adoption.
But first, she’d have to tell her parents.
‘Parents’ Worst Nightmare’
Within days upon learning she was pregnant, Kelly had to figure out how to come clean with her parents. “I expected them to be angry,” she said. “Parents’ worst nightmare, right?”
First, she called her mom from school to say she wasn’t feeling well.
“I was concerned enough to go to school to see firsthand what was going on,” Susan Clemente, Kelly’s mom, said.
The two went grocery shopping together, but Kelly avoided sharing the news. Sensing something was wrong, her mom invited Kelly to come back home.
“That entire ride home, I never once told you that I was pregnant,” Kelly said, speaking to her mom about that day. “You told me later that you just knew.”
“I did,” Kelly’s mom replied.
When they got home, they sat on the living room couch and talked so intently that the sun went down without anyone noticing. When her dad, Mark, arrived home from work, he asked, “Why are you all sitting in the dark?”
At that moment, Kelly had to confront one of her biggest fears—telling her dad she was pregnant.
“I could tell something was going on,” he said of the two sitting in the dark.
Almost in the same breath, Kelly broke the news that she was pregnant—and going to place the child for adoption.
Instead of responding with anger or disappointment, Mark told The Daily Signal, “I just remember being so grateful and proud.”
“We’d hoped that we had raised you that way,” her dad said, speaking to Kelly. “So the fact that you didn’t even entertain that thought [abortion], to be honest, it was a very proud moment.”
After that, Kelly moved back in with her parents and set up an appointment with Bethany Christian Services, an organization that facilitates private, faith-based adoptions.
‘Little Treasure’
Walking into Bethany Christian Services, Kelly was expecting “the wrath of God” to be on her.
“I’m going to an adoption agency, and I’m going to be judged,” she said. But when she walked in there, “I never experienced any of that,” she said.
“They showed me what it was like to walk with someone through the hardest time of their life when they are feeling so down on themselves and so alone, they were there.”
Shawn and Dave Hansen were the second couple Kelly and her mom met with in the adoption process.
“It was so obvious that these were the people that would have her little treasure,” her mom told The Daily Signal.
But finding them was the easy part. Kelly was 18, in college, and still pregnant.
‘Where’s My Choice?’
“Being pregnant and being in college is never really a great thing,” Kelly said. “I found out very quickly who my true friends were.”
At one point, she told a friend on her track team that she was pregnant and placing her child for adoption. His response was less than supportive.
“If you don’t get an abortion, I will lose all respect for you,” Kelly remembered him saying.
“I was horrified,” Kelly said. “You call yourself pro-choice, but where’s my choice? It’s my choice to choose adoption.”
Then, two weeks before the birth, Kelly got a phone call from the baby’s father’s best friend informing her the father—Kelly’s boyfriend at the time—wasn’t being faithful.
“I was devastated,” Kelly said. “This is someone I knew for eight years, this is someone I trusted. I’m having his baby. We had conversations about getting married.”
Hearing that news was the second hardest news to take over those nine months, Kelly said. Her entire identity had already been shattered, and her relationship now was, too.
At a low point, Kelly walked out to her parents’ driveway in the middle of the night. She laid down on the road, in the dark, and prayed that a car would come run her over.
“I want to die,” Kelly remembered thinking. “I can’t handle this. This is too much for me.”
At that moment, Kelly said she heard a voice from God telling her to get up. So she did.
“I got up, and I said, ‘OK, I know that this sweet baby did nothing wrong, so I don’t want him to get hurt, so I’m going to have this baby and then I’m going to take my life.’ Because I was so broken, I didn’t think there was any meaning left.”
But then the voice came back and said, “No, I’m not done with you yet.”
“At that moment, I knew that I was loved by a really big God who had a really big heart, that didn’t judge me by my pregnancy and still loved me so much,” Kelly said.
A few weeks later, her water broke, and Kelly gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
‘An Answer to My Prayers’
“Those three days I spent in the hospital, he was mine,” Kelly said of her birth son, Alex. But after those three days, it was time to place Alex with his adoptive parents, Shawn and Dave Hansen.
“I don’t sugarcoat that because it’s real life and I loved this child so much, but I couldn’t give him a father, I couldn’t give him brothers and sisters for a long time, I couldn’t provide him with what felt like anything he deserved.”
She then walked to the hospital chapel, said a prayer for everything to be OK, and at that moment, Dave and Shawn walked in.
“I was like, wow,” Kelly said. “They truly are an answer to my prayers.”
Handing her baby to another family wasn’t going to be easy, even though the family was the living embodiment of her prayers.
“I thought the hardest day of my life would be finding out that I was pregnant,” Kelly said. “It wasn’t.”
“The hardest day of my life was driving away from that hospital without a baby. I had never felt more empty in my life. I was physically empty, and I felt so alone.”
Kelly made a decision that in today’s society, few women do.
In 2014, the latest data available, 18,329 women in the U.S. chose to place their children for adoption. That same year, more than 900,000 women chose abortion. According to the National Council for Adoption, a nonpartisan group that advocates adoption, for every 1,000 abortions and births to unmarried women, there were only 6.9 adoptions.
‘It’s Over Now’
Kelly gave birth in September 2008, and returned to college in January. Much like the pregnancy, the transition back wasn’t easy.
“I remember everybody just telling me over and over again, ‘It’s over now. It’s over. Aren’t you so glad that this is over?’” Kelly said.
But she felt differently.
“I was fine without drinking, I was fine without sleeping around. I had lived a life I was proud of while I was pregnant, and I wanted that to continue but I was feeling so much pressure to just be that fun sorority party girl that I was before my entire life changed. No one seemed to wrap their head around the fact that my entire worldview had been shifted.”
Today, Kelly is 28 years old. She graduated from college and went back to receive a master’s degree in school counseling.
“My heart is for children,” Kelly said. For now, she’s teaching preschool and hopes one day to be either a school counselor or a voice for teen moms and teen birth moms.
“I want them to know that they have value and their life isn’t over. They have their whole life ahead of them.”
She also wants birth moms to know that children placed with adoptive families “are not lacking in love.”
Her son, Kelly said, “not only receives love from his adoptive parents. He receives love from me, he receives love from my parents, there’s so much love to go around.”
Kelly chose to have an open adoption with Alex and his parents, and sees him a couple times every year.
After enjoying time together, Kelly said, “You would think that it would be this emotional thing where I’m so upset that my birth son is going back with his adoptive parents.”
“It’s not,” she said. “It’s this beautiful thing where he’s happy that he’s seen me, I’m happy that I’ve seen him. He knows who is parents are. He knows that I’m not mom. One day I hope to be a mom, but I’m not his mom. I get to be birth mommy. And that’s OK with me.”
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>> The studies of grandparents ... raising children — it damages the child...
Not to dismiss your 2-Parent point, but the generality of “the studies” is BS. And you’d admire those I’m defending against “the studies.”
I could have worded that better. The general point is that mother/father homes are the place where children do best (regardless of income). Everything else produces varying degrees of lesser outcomes. I have no idea what your last sentence is saying.
Oh! So THATS how it works? Hmmm...
LOL! good one!
“some people who shouldn’t even be allowed near chldren, let alone raise them. Self-centeredness at its finest, “
If you consider not wanting children to be self-centered what about someone who wants only one-—or two?
Where does it end?
If someone doesn’t want children and doesn’t have them that is,IMHO, not a selfish decision——it is just good,common sense.
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The hearing went as expected. The attorney for the dead beat dads parents spoke with our attorney before we were called before the judge and showed her the texts we had told our daughter to save between her and dead beat daddyDBD, showing where my daughter had offered supervised visitation at a neutral place time and again only to have the DBD say sure and then cancel out because he wanted to ride ATV’s with his friends or because and he admitted this, “it might hurt his court case”. Their attorney started backpedaling like she stumbled upon a mamma bear and her cubs and started saying this is not what I was told.
It came down to them asking for visitation instead of custody. So we are in negotiations as per the judge for that. At one point the judge asked my daughter if she was in school and working? Yes, I have all A’s and work two days a week at a local restaurant. He then asked the dead beat daddy the same question. “I’m 17, I have a 4.0, but working interferes with my sports” The judge scowled and said you have a son to support, it’s time you made a choice and support your son” Dead beat daddy admitted he draws a government check and our attorneys eyes lite up and his guardians indicated they could support the baby if given custody in their initial motion so that is on the table now, pending state law.
Long story short prayers were answered and the judge heard and saw some lies being told. Thank you all very much!!!
I’m so glad this worked out well for your family. Perhaps the DBD and his ancestors will disappear from your lives after missing some scheduled visitation appointments.
So happy for you! But it’s a long road ahead, and this was just the first skirmish, so keep praying. God bless the little boy! and committed mom and grandparents (you).
Thank goodness someone saw fit to take care of and raise the two of you. I hope you consider yourselves blessed, because you are blessed beyond compare, whether or not you realize it. You both were once children. You were infants, then toddlers, then youngsters, then tweens, and then teenagers before you ever were adults.
Someone, once upon a time ago, nursed you. Someone once spoon fed you, and changed your dirty diapers. You were screaming at the time, yet that person saw your pain, and changed that diaper, because you could not do it yourself. Someone put up with you during both your good and precious moments as a baby and child, and also loved you right through your really draining and difficult moments. Even if you were abused, someone LOVED YOU, our Maker.
You should kiss the ground they walk on to thank those who gave you life, and raised you. Don’t give me this cr@p about not being cut out to do the job.
It IS a hard job, and many, many times, thankless, but parenthood is the BEST JOB and the MOST MEANINGFUL JOB that God ever gave anyone to do.
I’m done trying to convey to you the preciousness of babies and children. There are so many AWESOME moments to go along with the difficult ones. I hope one day you truly understand that.
When people are self-centered, they lose out. In a big way. Trouble is, they usually don’t see it until it’s too late.
Yes they did...and now I, in turn, have been taking care of them. One year ago, they both had to go into a nursing home, as they both now require 24/7 skilled care. For years before that, though, I lived with them and cared for them. So don't give me any crap about not being willing to change a soiled diaper. I've done so countless time for both of my parents.
In the meantime, I'm power of attorney for both medical and financial purposes, and visit them at least three times per week, with multiple daily phone calls. So I know a thing or two about responsibility.
but parenthood is the BEST JOB and the MOST MEANINGFUL JOB that God ever gave anyone to do.
I've been single my entire life, and am almost certain to remain so. Please tell me....do you think I should have kids, given that?
I’m done trying to convey to you the preciousness of babies and children. There are so many AWESOME moments to go along with the difficult ones. I hope one day you truly understand that.
The last thing I need in my life is a child to take care for the next 20 years.
When people are self-centered, they lose out. In a big way. Trouble is, they usually don’t see it until it’s too late.
Yeah, that's me....selfish (insert graphic of rolled eyes).
“I’m done trying to convey to you the preciousness of babies and children.”
Oh for heaven’s sake,I had five children and have a bunch of grandchildren, but as far as I’m concerned someone who doesn’t want children shouldn’t have them.
Babies that are born to parents who don’t want them usually don’t end up well and anyone wise enough to make that decision does not deserve to be considered self centered.
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Pardon me for thinking that you were self-centered based on the following, all things you posted in previous comments. Those were the comments that made me think about self-centered individuals. I am only mentioning them because it was my frame of reference on a thread about a young lady who gave up her baby for adoption.
“I don’t hate them, but I have absolutely zero desire to ever have to care for one.”
“On what basis do you conclude that I would enjoy taking care of a baby? Let me assure you, I know myself pretty well...and I haven’t the slightest yearning to be responsible for a baby for an afternoon, let alone for years.”
“Not having children lets me devote my time and money to myself...and I like it that way.”
Perhaps with your choosing those words, you might understand why I had an ill-informed view of you. I do apologize for having misunderstood you. I hope that you and I can come to understand each other better.
I applaud you for treating your parents with the compassion and dignity that they deserve. When they are older and in their demise, they do revert to childlike behaviors in many ways. I’ve been there and done that with my own two parents and father-in-law. We are currently dealing with the (physical, mental, and financial) issues of our only parent still alive, my mother-in-law. Taking care of our parents in their declining years has also been an honor and a privilege. It is not much different than caring for a child at whatever age from infancy through adulthood.
My personal experience with adults who don’t want to have children, is that they don’t have them, and instead spend all their money on themselves, their desires and wishes. They travel, have lovely (empty) homes, and have seemingly “wonderful” lives. They keep trying to remind me how terrific everything in their lives is, but somehow they seem miserable and complain quite a bit. Yet, they tell me how imperfect my children are and how I should do things differently. It’s a facade. I think they really are miserable.
So forgive me, please, for attributing these things to others who tell me that caring for children is a burden. It is only a burden if those are the glasses you’re wearing.
Fair enough, and I'll dial it back a notch.
Perhaps with your choosing those words, you might understand why I had an ill-informed view of you. I do apologize for having misunderstood you. I hope that you and I can come to understand each other better.
Bereft of full context...again, fair enough. But I do stand by my statements regarding my lack of desire for children. Even once my parents pass away (many years from now, one hopes) I will still won't want to have kids.
Ever.
Children are a joy to many, but they're not for everyone. Respectfully, the message I got from you was "You'd love having kids, if only you were wise enough to understand."
It seems a bit condescending.
Hey, I can play this game too! I could say;
My personal experience with adults who have children, is that they have miserable homes full of screaming brats, but still speak of their seemingly “wonderful” lives. They keep trying to remind me how terrific everything in their lives is, but somehow they seem miserable and complain quite a bit. Yet, they tell me how imperfect my childless life is and how I should do things differently. It’s a facade. I think they really are miserable.
I could say that, but it would be a gross over generalization, wouldn't it?
So forgive me, please, for attributing these things to others who tell me that caring for children is a burden. It is only a burden if those are the glasses you’re wearing.
It is a burden, of finances, time, and responsibility...and that's a burden that millions of people bear joyfully. But that doesn't mean every single person should have kids. BTW, I freely admit that one of the "perks" of not having kids is being able to indulge my hobby of international travel. I'm going to London next month to see some shows.
And that's a sign that I'm secretly miserable?
My mother-in-law said the same thing this was the opening skirmish in this fight be prepared for a long battle. She went through this with one of my wife’s brothers and his small child. We are prepared for the long haul.
BD only wants the child for show and tell time, otherwise he is disinterested like his father was with him, he abandoned him. What is funny is during the pregnancy he swore he was going to be a part of the babies life and not like his own father. Now its Xbox and riding atvs with his friends. I would rather he either commit or just go away. Thanks for the prayers and support!!!
We suspect that once he turns 18 he will fade away. Currently only his great grandmother really wants anything to do with the child and she doesn’t seem to do it out of love but out of spite toward my daughter to hurt her. Doesn’t make sense. We just have to document and be prepared to go back to court as needed. Once again, thanks so much for prayers and support!!!
I’m sorry that I still seemed condescending with my responses. I truly did not mean to be that way, but I see your point.
I hope that in future correspondence on FR, that we both can put aside this difficulty, and treat each other with mutual respect.
No problem——all is well as far as I’m concerned.
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Not to worry, we're good.
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