Posted on 04/12/2002 6:13:53 AM PDT by Tumbleweed_Connection
A new book that argues parents should avoid spanking their children and instead form emotional connections with the kids is re-igniting the debate over how best to raise children in modern-day America. One member of the American Academy of Pediatrics calls the book, A Better Childhood Without Discipline, "all theory," and insists, "Nothing could be further from the truth."
San Francisco-based clinical psychologist Dr. Theron Alexander explains his theory of "connectedness" in the new book.
"Where discipline can bring about only temporary obedience through the rules and threat of punishment, connectedness forms the basis for long-term results," Alexander said. "The absence of discipline does not imply a lack of caring and guidance.
"Rather, it is the creation of trust and a parent's belief in a child," he said. "This teaches the child that he or she can depend on the parent for support."
Alexander adds: "Connectedness does away with conflict in family life."
However, Dr. S. DuBose Ravenel, a pediatrician in High Point, N.C., and a member of American Academy of Pediatrics, serving on the AAP's section on developmental and behavioral pediatrics, scoffed at Alexander's assertions.
"A laugh is the best response," Ravenel said. "I think what he is expressing is all theory and nothing could be further from the truth."
Alexander holds that mental illness, including depression, is passed on from generation to generation, through parents' flawed notion that spanking their children is the best way to raise them.
"Mental illness has its conception in childhood and [the] relationship with the parents, and often the child's problems stem from the parent's problems," Alexander said. "As a result, much of mental illness beginning in the childhood is passed on from one generation to another.
"When children grow up, they establish families, and often say, 'well, this is the way I was raised, I will raise my children this way,'" Alexander said.
Spanking children as a means of discipline also sends mixed messages to kids about their relationship with their parents, Alexander insisted.
"The relationship with the child is damaged by conflict, and if you say to the child, 'I love you, I care for you ... and I'm going to hurt you,' this doesn't make any sense," said Alexander. "The child does not understand it. Discipline, punishment, rules and regulations all mean that there is lack of trust and confidence."
However, Ravenel said recent research has shown, "disciplinary spanking has not been found to be related to detrimental outcomes." He added, "parents who don't combine a high level of discipline, especially spankings, with a high level of nurturing have the worst outcomes.
"Research shows that what [Dr. Alexander] says is not true," Ravenel said. "Common sense clearly tells you the reverse of that."
Despite the traditional use of corporal punishment as a means of discipline, it is not now, and never has been useful, Alexander maintains.
"It's never been effective, and it's been harmful," Alexander said.
"I think [spanking] is harmful, and it teaches the wrong thing-that 'might makes right. If I am bigger than you are, I can beat you up. You need it,'" he said.
Ravenel countered that physical discipline actually creates closer bonds between parents and children.
"I would argue quite the reverse-what it teaches a child is the reverse of that," Ravenel said. "Children whose parents have displayed powerful love and powerful discipline are the children who have the highest level of trust and confidence in their parents."
Ravenel added that focusing on techniques of childrearing, such as spanking, is the wrong way to go about parenting. Instead, parents need to find a balance between affection and discipline by which to raise their children.
"I would submit that techniques are relatively unimportant compared to the importance of parents raising children with a proper balance of powerful love and powerful discipline," Ravenel said. "A parent finds they can employ powerful discipline and powerful love --they don't need to spank -- that's great.
"However, there is no evidence, none, that has been published that shows that appropriate parental use of spanking has been shown to cause any detrimental outcome," Ravenel said.
Since both parents work in many families, leaving them little time to spend with their children, a 'connectedness' approach to childrearing is more important now than ever, according to Alexander.
"Parents are spending less and less time with the children and often have turned to drugging the children to control their behavior," Alexander said. "They don't provide the time, affection and love the children need. There is a basic need for that -- a concerned, close, affectionate, trusting relationship with parents. And you can't do that by hurting, by control, by rules, regulations and threats," he said.
It takes a lot of patience to raise a kid without spanking, but I believe that the results are worth the extra effort.
WRONG, Dr. Alexander---your premise of "I think" is WRONG--you did not think! You daydreamed up some bilgewater liberal idea and regurgitated it to write a book.
...""Parents are spending less and less time with the children and often have turned to drugging the children to control their behavior," Alexander said"....
Well, DUH, Dr. Alexander--this idea certainly wasn't initiated nor enforced by parents at large--another liberal concept from head shrinkers such as yourself.
..."They don't provide the time, affection and love the children need. There is a basic need for that -- a concerned, close, affectionate, trusting relationship with parents. And you can't do that by hurting, by control, by rules, regulations and threats," he said"....
There are many parents who do not provide for their childrens' emotional needs--could a part of the problem be with fedgov's assertion of nannystate do all/be all/end all have anything to do with this crisis? Fedgov's nannystate where two parents aren't important to the health and well-being of children?
And finally, Dr. Alexander, you are simply full of shit if you think that 'hurting, control, rules, and regulations, and threats' aren't an important factor in child rearing......take your 'if it feels good, just do it attitude' and shove it--YOU ARE A BIG PART OF THE PROBLEM!
If she is genuinely strong-willed, good luck. You are still at the beginning of this particular road. Watch out for tight curves ahead.
Some of us have guided children all the way through the road to adulthood. Many of us also said, "I will never have to spank this child," and discovered otherwise. Others have said, "I will never spank this strong-willed child; there are better ways," and now regret the vow.
But you may beat the odds. Good luck.
We've probably all had the pleasure (not) of watching a timid, afraid to discipline parent trying to reason with their out-of-control, screaming brat-child in a store or restaraunt. As soon as I hear them speaking in that sing-songy "now sweetie, you don't want mommy (or daddy) to feel sad" type voice, my brain screams !! Of course the kid wants mommy or daddy to be sad, they want mommy to be sad enough to give in and buy them the toy or candy or whatever it is they want NOW !
Discipline and punishment should not be used interchangeably. Punishment inflicts pain - discipline builds character.
Both have a place in raising children. Punishment "imposes a penalty on for a fault, offense, or violation". Whether that comes from a swat on the fanny, a "time out", or loss of privilege, it comes as a result of willful disobedience.
Every child is different. My daughter would utterly wilt when confronted with her disobedience. She only needed spanking 2 or 3 times.
My son was not as easy. He suffered a few more spankings.
Discipline is "training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character". My children were disciplined on an ongoing basis, and are now 2 of the finest people I know. At 18 and 21, I only wish I had been half the person they are now.
"I'll give you something to cry about".
That usually shut me up double time, but if not, I got more than a spanking.
And thets nootttttthing wong wiv me!
"San Francisco-based clinical psychologist Dr. Theron Alexander explains his theory of "connectedness" in the new book."
Yes, the men are always "connecting" with the boys in San Francisco.
Of course there is a lack of trust and confidence! Trust is earned by obedience. How can you trust a child or be confident that a child will do the right thing if you have not trained them to do so? You can't. Children come into this world with pure self interest and nothing else (If you doubt that man has a sin nature, observe two-year olds!)They have to be trained. And training sometimes requires correction. Willful defiance requires strong correction.
Unfortunately, most libs want to treat children like they're little adults. "If I can just explain it to my 3-year old, then they'll understand and do the right thing." Balderdash and popycock! I have seen some friends try to do just that and watch them then negotiate with the child before giving in and allowing the child to do what he wanted. They are training their child allright, but training him in defiance and rebellion.
With adults, action follows belief, so explaining to an adult may work. With small children, belief follows action, so you have to train their external actions to formulate their internal beliefs so that when they mature, you can then reason with them.
Training does require consistency on the part of the parents, however. Many parents only spank when they have had enough. Depending on the state of mind of the parent, the boundary moves, confusing the child. Children who have fluid boudaries are insecure and always testing those boundaries, because their world is also constantly changing. Children who have firm boundaries are secure in those boundaries and will only test them once in a while to make sure that they are still there and that their world has not changed.
Bill (father of 3).
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