Posted on 05/06/2002 7:14:12 PM PDT by cd jones
BUSH TO DUMP CHENEY, RUN WITH OZZY OSBOURNE IN '04
'No [Bleeping] Way!' Says Outraged Veep
G.O.P. strategists are urging President Bush to dump Vice-President Dick
Cheney from the 2004 Republican ticket and run with Ozzy Osbourne instead,
citing the addled rock star's superior poll numbers.
A new survey of likely voters shows that Mr. Osbourne is now the most
popular public figure in America, trouncing his nearest rival, Spider-man,
a fictitious comic-book character.
The poll results suggest that Americans have little or no concern about
Mr. Osbourne's fitness for the second-highest office in the land, despite
his apparent inability to operate a TV remote or replace a garbage can
liner.
But aides to Mr. Cheney say that the Vice-President is not about to be
replaced by the shuffling, dazed-looking rocker without a fight.
Mr. Cheney sprang into action on Monday, inviting MTV cameras into his
secure undisclosed location to film a new documentary-style series about
him and his family, "The Cheneys."
The footage shows the Cheney children exchanging volleys of raw expletives
with the Vice-President's wife Lynne V. Cheney, a Senior Fellow at the
American Enterprise Institute.
"We can [bleeping] drill for [bleeping] oil in Alaska if we [bleeping]
feel like it!" Mrs. Cheney can be heard saying at one point.
But the biggest surprise for viewers may be Dick Cheney himself, who
appears throughout the program in a sleeveless black vest, his biceps
tattooed with the corporate logo of the Halliburton Company, the petroleum
concern he used to head.
"I never thought I'd say this, but Dick Cheney is actually in better shape
than Ozzy," one aide said.
**** BOROWITZ ON CNN ****
Watch Andy Borowitz Tuesday morning on CNN's "American Morning" with Paula
Zahn.
Paging Alice Cooper.
Actually Alice (Vincent Fournier) would probably have to get out of shape to rival the Oz. AC golfs (so much for pasty whiteness and out of shape biceps)...but he is about the right age, and probably sports several tatoos under his LaCoste golf shirts.
Excuse me, I have to go kill the {bleeping} dog.
The entire show is a riot......there is a radio station here in Philly, that does a contest once a week - they play some garbled line that Ozzy said during that week's show, and people call in and attempt to guess what he said!
It is the funniest thing you have ever heard.......and usually the DJ will admit that if he didn't have the transcript in front of him, he would have no clue either!
Harhar... $30/mo? That's a carton of smokes right there, chickie... D'ya know how much physics graduate students make these days?! After boozin' and smokin' and rent, there ain't much left.
I'll be out in a year though, and look out, I got my lil' shopping list made out for when I get me some cushy job at Lockheed or NASA or somethin'-- extended cab pickup (Ford or Dodge), Harley (standard 883), lots o' leather so I look real bad-ass on the Harley... And cable.
Microwave? That's low energy electromagnetic radiation, right?
Uh, it's a box thingy with a door and I push buttons.......stuff gets hot.........(does that sound blonde enough? lol)
Hmmmm, I've had some girlfriends I could have used one of those thingies on...
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