Bush to dump Cheney, run with Ozzy in '04

www.borowitz.com ^ | 5-6-02 | andy borowitz

[cd jones]

BUSH TO DUMP CHENEY, RUN WITH OZZY OSBOURNE IN '04

'No [Bleeping] Way!' Says Outraged Veep

G.O.P. strategists are urging President Bush to dump Vice-President Dick
Cheney from the 2004 Republican ticket and run with Ozzy Osbourne instead,
citing the addled rock star's superior poll numbers.

A new survey of likely voters shows that Mr. Osbourne is now the most
popular public figure in America, trouncing his nearest rival, Spider-man,
a fictitious comic-book character.

The poll results suggest that Americans have little or no concern about
Mr. Osbourne's fitness for the second-highest office in the land, despite
his apparent inability to operate a TV remote or replace a garbage can
liner.

But aides to Mr. Cheney say that the Vice-President is not about to be
replaced by the shuffling, dazed-looking rocker without a fight.

Mr. Cheney sprang into action on Monday, inviting MTV cameras into his
secure undisclosed location to film a new documentary-style series about
him and his family, "The Cheneys."

The footage shows the Cheney children exchanging volleys of raw expletives
with the Vice-President's wife Lynne V. Cheney, a Senior Fellow at the
American Enterprise Institute.

"We can [bleeping] drill for [bleeping] oil in Alaska if we [bleeping]
feel like it!" Mrs. Cheney can be heard saying at one point.

But the biggest surprise for viewers may be Dick Cheney himself, who
appears throughout the program in a sleeveless black vest, his biceps
tattooed with the corporate logo of the Halliburton Company, the petroleum
concern he used to head.

"I never thought I'd say this, but Dick Cheney is actually in better shape
than Ozzy," one aide said.

**** BOROWITZ ON CNN ****

Watch Andy Borowitz Tuesday morning on CNN's "American Morning" with Paula
Zahn.

[RightWhale]

Watch Marilyn Manson. He's smart, politically conservative, and is aware of many currents and directions going on in our society. He could be a viable candidate after he achieves adulthood.

[scouse]

Ozzy Osbourne

Non-starter...Not %*#%ing native born.

[wattsmag2]

Actually, I'd prefer Ted Nugent.

[Poohbah]

Hey, waitaminute.

Cheney retires from the ticket in 2004, Rice gets VP nod. In 2008, The Nuge gets tapped for the Veep slot, and the Rice/Nugent ticket sweeps all 50 states.

[wattsmag2]

I can definitely live with that.

[Poohbah]

And "Kill it and Grill it--the Naval Observatory Edition" rockets to Number 1 on Amazon within 15 minutes of release =:o)

[wattsmag2]

At least it won't be a version of Wang Dang Sweet Poontang ala Clinton.

[Poohbah]

But the press would have a FIT when they found out The Nuge wanted to bow-hunt Katie Couric...

[wattsmag2]

Ahh, but the scene would be so reminiscent of Bambi. Everyone could have tears in their eyes for a few seconds. Of course, some would be of the Crocodilian variety.

[mrfixit514]

I want to hear Cheney's version of Sweetleaf before I decide it he should swap jobs with Ozzy.

[Angelique]

I wonder if Cheney is going to start biting of bats heads to avoid this from happening....

[Joe Hadenuf]

I wonder if Cheney is going to start biting of bats heads to avoid this from happening....

Or maybe if Cheney could go down to the Alamo and urinate on it, he may possibly have a chance.....

[Angelique]

Or maybe if Cheney could go down to the Alamo and urinate on it, he may possibly have a chance.....

You made me choke on my water from laughing so hard.