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DUmmie FUnnies 07-02-11 ("Do you subject potential romantic partners to a litmus test?")
DUmmie FUnnies ^ | July 2, 2011 | DUmmies and Charles Henrickson

Posted on 07/02/2011 4:50:33 PM PDT by Charles Henrickson

"Another Saturday night, and I ain't got nobody. . . ." What's a DUmmie to do? How do you find that special someone? Someone to share a magical evening of watching Cenk Uygur repeats, blowing a bong, and munching Doritos? Ah, to be young and in love!

Dating for DUmmies is the subject of this THREAD, "Do you subject potential romantic partners to a litmus test?"

So let us take a trip down the Tunnel of Lib, in Romantic Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, wondering if DUmmie stevenumbers ever found a date who would take public transit with him, is in the [brackets]:

Do you subject potential romantic partners to a litmus test?

[Since we're talking DUmmies, I think I'd test first for Hepatitis C.]

I never used to, but I have become stricter and stricter in my standards over the years.

[I didn't used to, but now I INSIST upon animate mammals!]

I relaxed my standards a few years ago and entered a relationship with a Believer (a moderately devout Christian). . . . His so-called "progressive" views really cloaked a closet conservative. And, he wasted oceans of my precious time trying to persuade me to believe in a god.

[EWWWW! ICK!]

I knew my husband was The One when I found out he was a DUer. I was nervous about entering the relationship. When I expressed doubts, he directed me to his blog, with links to DU and Rude Pundit. This atheist found heaven.

[What Gaia hath joined together, let no man put asunder.]

Share your stories, brothers and sisters?

[Testify!]

As long as she doesn't have crabs, all is well.

[No LOUSY CREEPER ROLL!!!]

And a torso attached to the head. That's important.

[A torso and more so!]

any potential mate is immediately disqualified for using the phrase "litmus test".

[OK, what about "Fitzmas test"?]

When I still dated I wanted a nonsmoker, someone who did not want to have children and someone who either was a Democrat or willing to become one.

[Good thing you Democrats do not want to reproduce.]

At my age and lack of aesthetic qualities I'd settle for a pulse and no recent felony convictions.

[John Edwards, off you go!]

I wouldn't get involved with a religious fundamentalist of any persuasion; a smoker; a right-winger; a libertarian; or anyone who doesn't like cats.

[Cats, good. Dogma, bad.]

You'd have to have a sense of humor to hang out with me.

[Or else be really, really stoned.]

They must have 3 things
A job, because I cant support you
A car, because I'm not driving your ass around
A place to live, cause they're not moving in here

[The three things they must have are a job, a car, a place to live . . . and an almost fanatical devotion to the DUmp. . . . The FOUR . . . no . . . AMONGST the things. . . .]

I married at 29...to a guy who was good looking, loving, honest, atheist, progressive and wanted children. So check, check, check, check, check, check.

[Check MATE! An atheist progressive like that is a godsend!]

Anyone who's going to be more than a casual date must survive (cue dramatic music) an evening meal with our family.

[Arugula whole-grain pizza, readings from Trotsky, and the various Wiccan rituals--if the guy can make it through that, he's on the way!]

I seem to remember one boyfriend abandoning ship after my other sister's impression of a French cow being hung for witchcraft and no, I don't remember how we got on that topic.

[Must have been the Wiccan rituals. Or the French vanilla soy ice cream.]

I'm marrying a man from Europe!

[Does he have a French cow?]

Where I live in Central NJ there aren't a lot of men on the Left. So this gem popped up a couple of years ago and he's just as liberal as can be. The only argument we had was the night we met - he thought it was Fair that American's gas prices were going up. I pointed out to him that we also pay for astronomical health care. He threw up his hands and said, "I take it back!". Match made in heaven. And he knows that if he ever votes Republican it's grounds for divorce!

[America sucks! Blest be the tie that binds!]

when I was young and stupid: as long as they were breathing I was just fine with that.

when I was merely young and moderately stupid: they had to be breathing and pay attention to what was being said.

when I was technically still young and was experiencing the dawning of a glimpse of a clue: They had to be breathing, could at least have one thing in common and had a reason to live.

when I was no longer young but still believed I was and thought I had a clue, but actually didn't: They had to be breathing, have a few things in common and not only had a reason to live but started supporting that concept with action.

when I was no longer young and finally stopped pretending I was and it dawned on me that while I might be getting a clue, it was the wrong clue: They had to be breathing, more than a few things in common, able to hold a conversation and had a passion for something.

when I was not young anymore and understood that I was an adult (whether I liked it or not) and the clue I thought I once had turned out to be an illusion: they had to be breathing, we shared some interests, no only had conversations, but conversations on topics that mattered and had not only a passion but actually pursued that passion as a career.

When I was finally an adult (mostly on paper but still not in mind) and my past illusions of life and the clues I thought I had seem to shift and change as I began to see life for the reality it actually is: They still had to be breathing, we saw eye to eye on many an important topic, had wonderful conversations about impassioned topics that effected our lives directly and passionately worked toward making those concepts a reality.

Now, as I am middle aged and while my young thoughts are still there, I look upon them as wonderful memories, my past illusions and clues about life have given away to reality of the stress of coming old age. I see the path of humanity laid out before me as a struggle of passion, art and peace: the person in my life while still needs to be breathing, no only shares that passion but shares it willingly with love and without question. We embrace life, cast away the frivolousness of wasted energy and concentrate on making a better world.

Do I have a clue yet?

[zzzzzzzzzzzz........]

Even if you meet all the other requirements, those who work in low-status jobs such as custodian are Untouchables, even in "Liberal" dating sites. DUer or not. Wealth and power = appeal, and higher "class" makes many overlook more idealistic considerations. I've seen it a hundred times. Some sites even state a minimum income reflecting the pay grade of a dentist or radiologist.

[Dating is above this DUmmie's pay grade.]

For some reason, custodians love me.

[If you don't leave a slime trail like a slug, they appreciate that.]

Almost every one has hit on me, despite the prominence of my wedding ring, or the periods during which I was very overweight.

[Maybe you were blocking out the sun and they wanted you to move.]

Chemistry can happen between the oddest couples.

[There's a lid for every pot, pot for every DUmmie, and better living through chemistry.]

I guess he has to have a working penis. Beyond that, most everything is negotiable.

[benburch is not picky.]

I have dated a few men...but only after ascertaining their politics. . . . My partner right now is a die-hard Democrat, pro-union, pro-gay marriage, pro-legalization. . . .

[Be sure he uses a pro-phylactic.]

If they turn red, I know they're an acid!

[The litmus test for Rethuglicans.]

one of those right wingers and I got friendly. . . . He's also funny and makes me laugh till I cry. He's very much a gentleman, and I love that. . . . However, recently I've been noticing things that I think I won't be able to deal with. For example, he believes many of the homeless are 'lazy,' he thinks free trade is great 'in the long run' . . . and he thinks that increasing the taxes of the rich and corporations to pre-Reagan rates is very bad for the country. . . . I really like this right wing guy. Granted, I wouldn't be with him if I'd met some liberals and lefties. However, I don't know what to do.

[Read my lips: NO LOW TAXES! DUmp him!]

You know, you and I should start our own dating website for liberals. Maybe that way we'll meet some really nice liberal men.

[Grab your lamp, Miss Diogenes, and start searching.]

Is it a lot to ask to find a nice liberal guy, not too religious, very family oriented, very funny? The way I keep not finding any liberal men, you'd think I were asking for the moon.

[You'll have to settle for a moonbat.]

I want to know why it's so difficult to find liberal men. Where are they all?? I see them on here. I hear about them on TV. Where the heck are they hiding?

[They're all 300 pounds and posting from mom's basement.]

I found my guy at a Unitarian Universalist church. . . . Full of liberal atheists who want the community of a church without the dogma.

[The U-Us are the non-alcoholic beer of religion.]

Right wingers are like ants, they're an infestation. . . .

[DUmmies are like ants! They're our personal Ant Farm!]

I never dated a man who didn't share my four loves: sports, politics, beaches and animals.

[And abortion. Amongst my loves are such elements as sports, politics. . . . I'll come in again.]

I hate people who don't live within their means. . . . I have never dated a right winger. I seriously hate them. . . .

[DUmmie malaise gets the Unintentional Irony Award.]

It is very important for my romantic partners to have a neutral pH. I also hear that proper pH balance is very important with respect to proper selection of underarm deodorant.

[Democratic Underarm. But do DUmmies actually *use* deodorant?]

DU should have a dating forum...

[New worlds to conquer, Skinner! Go for it! DUmmie FUnnies may even pay you!]


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: dufu; dummie; dummiefunnies; dummies
Love among the DUers. ICK!
1 posted on 07/02/2011 4:50:38 PM PDT by Charles Henrickson
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To: Charles Henrickson

of course

1. no leftists

2. no sluts (paid or unpaid ones, lol)

3. Okay, besides those I’m pretty lax heh


2 posted on 07/02/2011 4:53:16 PM PDT by GeronL (The Right to Life came before the Right to Happiness)
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To: PJ-Comix; Xenalyte; RMDupree; AlexW; CzarNicky; Mike Fieschko; motzman; codercpc; thingumbob; ...

PING!


3 posted on 07/02/2011 4:53:31 PM PDT by Charles Henrickson (Dating for DUmmies.)
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To: Charles Henrickson

top 10!


4 posted on 07/02/2011 4:58:16 PM PDT by glasseye
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To: Charles Henrickson

haha... I replied before you did.

just kidding


5 posted on 07/02/2011 5:01:19 PM PDT by GeronL (The Right to Life came before the Right to Happiness)
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To: Charles Henrickson

I’d never marry a lib. EVER. My spouse and I are two peas in a pod. We fight over who’s more conservative! LOLOL. How’s that!


6 posted on 07/02/2011 5:01:55 PM PDT by Indy Pendance
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To: Charles Henrickson
Do I have a clue yet?

That entire diatribe would go well with Sinatra's "It Was A Very Good Year" in the background. Then again, why ruin a good Sinatra vocal...

7 posted on 07/02/2011 5:04:27 PM PDT by bcsco
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To: Charles Henrickson

The most liberal woman I ever dated was a Serbian sociology professor. Funny thing was, despite calling herself liberal, she couldn’t stand American liberals. She said they were both arrogant and willfully ignorant and that included her colleagues.

My liberal cousins were dumbfounded but ended up gaining respect for me. They just couldn’t understand how my high school drop out redneck ass could attract a prof with a PhD. in a traditionally very liberal field.

Intelligent conversation is the key. I guess that’s why I’ve never dated any truly liberal women. My last girlfriend was a McCain supporter and that was a stretch.


8 posted on 07/02/2011 5:06:16 PM PDT by cripplecreek (Remember the River Raisin! (look it up))
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To: Charles Henrickson
I have dated a few men . . . . My partner right now is a die-hard Democrat, pro-union, pro-gay marriage, pro-legalization

So when I leave him for my true gal-pal, he'll have no prob with that...

9 posted on 07/02/2011 5:22:47 PM PDT by mikrofon (Few & far, far between)
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To: Charles Henrickson
Put all of the DUmmies in a room with no ventilation and only an exhaust hose for “air.” Those who turn blue have passed the litmus test.
10 posted on 07/02/2011 5:30:04 PM PDT by Hillarys Gate Cult (Those who trade land for peace will end up with neither one.)
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To: Charles Henrickson

top 11?


11 posted on 07/02/2011 5:35:57 PM PDT by freedumb2003 (Herman Cain 2012)
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To: Charles Henrickson

My sons have dated leftists. The relationship never lasts beyong a casual date. Their conversation is retarded.

The day after the 2008 election, my son came home, saying the girl he went out with voted for Obama because he was black. How can you have any conversation with someone so idiotic?


12 posted on 07/02/2011 5:53:12 PM PDT by I still care (I miss my friends, bagels, and the NYC skyline - but not the taxes. I love the South.)
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To: Charles Henrickson

“[The U-Us are the non-alcoholic beer of religion.] “

....

Funny,funny,funny.


13 posted on 07/02/2011 5:59:13 PM PDT by Mears
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To: Charles Henrickson
Top 30?

I know I shoudn’t be laughing...but I am.Pretty sad criteria.

14 posted on 07/02/2011 6:02:08 PM PDT by berdie (qill)
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To: Charles Henrickson

15 posted on 07/02/2011 6:27:06 PM PDT by Roscoe Karns
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To: Charles Henrickson

Dropped my most recent girlfriend because she thought MSNBC was a serious news source.


16 posted on 07/02/2011 6:33:34 PM PDT by Newtoidaho (Fight organized crime. Vote out all incumbent Democrats!)
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To: Charles Henrickson

When I was single I had no litmus tests. I wound up dating several liberal women.

I married a conservative. Details not forthcoming.


17 posted on 07/02/2011 6:37:10 PM PDT by Grunthor (Support a POTUS candidate but don't get emotionally invested like a liberal.)
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To: Charles Henrickson

You’re having a Python attack tonight, aren’t you? :-)


18 posted on 07/02/2011 6:38:23 PM PDT by Riley (The Fourth Estate is the Fifth Column.)
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To: Riley

Plus a French cow being hung for witchcraft!


19 posted on 07/02/2011 6:48:10 PM PDT by Charles Henrickson (Shouldn't a French cow be *hanged* for witchcraft?)
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To: Charles Henrickson

How do you know she really is a DU female?

Answer: Look for the braided armpit hair.


20 posted on 07/02/2011 6:58:57 PM PDT by GladesGuru (In a society predicated upon freedom, it is essential to examine principles, Kill the EPA!!!)
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To: I still care
The day after the 2008 election, my son came home, saying the girl he went out with voted for Obama because he was black. How can you have any conversation with someone so idiotic?

You have to have some fun and play with them.

At that point you should have responded with, "How ironic! I voted for McCain because he was white!"

21 posted on 07/02/2011 6:59:55 PM PDT by VeniVidiVici ("Si, se gimme!")
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To: I still care

“How can you have any conversation with someone so idiotic?”

So - who talks with them?

;-)


22 posted on 07/02/2011 7:00:31 PM PDT by GladesGuru (In a society predicated upon freedom, it is essential to examine principles, Kill the EPA!!!)
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To: VeniVidiVici

That’s good. I’ll mention it to my son.

He’s usually pretty fast, but I think the sheer insanity of it caught him off guard.


23 posted on 07/02/2011 7:08:01 PM PDT by I still care (I miss my friends, bagels, and the NYC skyline - but not the taxes. I love the South.)
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To: Charles Henrickson

When I was in college I use to love liberal girls: They believed anything and had no morals. Then I grew up.


24 posted on 07/02/2011 7:32:47 PM PDT by politicalmerc (The whole earth may move, but God's throne is never shaken. I think I'll stand by Him..)
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To: Charles Henrickson

Fetchez la vache!


25 posted on 07/02/2011 7:33:01 PM PDT by Riley (The Fourth Estate is the Fifth Column.)
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To: Riley

26 posted on 07/02/2011 7:43:26 PM PDT by Charles Henrickson
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To: Charles Henrickson

“They must have 3 things
A job, because I cant support you
A car, because I’m not driving your ass around
A place to live, cause they’re not moving in here “

Sounds like a person who works and takes care of himself.

Why not a homeless dude on welfare who uses public transportation? Isn’t that what it’s all about?

This poster says they are liberal but they don’t want a consistently liberal “partner.”


27 posted on 07/02/2011 7:47:57 PM PDT by Persevero (Homeschooling for Excellence since 1992)
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To: Charles Henrickson
I want to know why it's so difficult to find liberal men. Where are they all?? I see them on here. I hear about them on TV. Where the heck are they hiding?

In the homosexual bath houses.....

28 posted on 07/02/2011 8:29:48 PM PDT by doorgunner69
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To: mikrofon

Good catch. The lack of gender ID for the “partner” is telling...


29 posted on 07/02/2011 8:33:39 PM PDT by doorgunner69
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To: Charles Henrickson

This is one I am going to have my wife read. Liberals are completely twisted and disgusting in every way.


30 posted on 07/02/2011 9:00:28 PM PDT by ConservativeMind ("Humane" = "Don't pen up pets or eat meat, but allow infanticide, abortion, and euthanasia.")
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To: Persevero
This poster says they are liberal but they don’t want a consistently liberal “partner."

You should check out the latest NEW YORKER, which has an article on online dating. One of the website founders mentions that Republicans have more in common with other Republicans than Democrats do with other Democrats. "The Democrats are doomed," the founder said.

Basically liberals are a bunch of people just doing their own thing and looking for someone who will "go along" with them--let them be them, so to speak.

Which, of course, is a problem with dating, when you're not really sharing a life together--basically co-existing. These people are either too selfish or too kooky to sustain any longterm relationship, with longterm goals or responsibility. Instead, they "hook up" -- look at all the serial monogamy going on.

This is probably the rationale behind gay marriage, which essentially is glorified hook-up.

31 posted on 07/02/2011 9:09:35 PM PDT by MoochPooch (I'm a compassionate cynic.)
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To: Charles Henrickson
Even if you meet all the other requirements, those who work in low-status jobs such as custodian are Untouchables, even in "Liberal" dating sites. DUer or not. Wealth and power = appeal, and higher "class" makes many overlook more idealistic considerations.

Hey, what about the libs' great love of diversity? What could be more diverse than a neurosurgeon dating a janitor? Hmmm?

32 posted on 07/02/2011 9:25:49 PM PDT by hsalaw
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To: Charles Henrickson
I knew my husband was The One when I found out he was a DUer. I was nervous about entering the relationship. When I expressed doubts, he directed me to his blog,

How depressing. Good thing they both probably just sit around watching TV and don't reproduce.

This is one of the problems with the Internet, this whole checklist of friends and potential lovers. In the old days, you had to get along with neighbors who weren't just like you because that's what was acceptable--someone who didn't speak to anyone except Democrats was the neighborhood loon.

People aren't just who they vote for. Good people, fun people--they come in all kinds. (And when they're around me for long they end up voting Republican, so it all works out!)

33 posted on 07/02/2011 10:41:06 PM PDT by Darkwolf377 (``Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it``-Pope John Paul II)
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To: Charles Henrickson
Now, as I am middle aged and while my young thoughts are still there, I look upon them as wonderful memories, my past illusions and clues about life have given away to reality of the stress of coming old age. I see the path of humanity laid out before me as a struggle of passion, art and peace: the person in my life while still needs to be breathing, no only shares that passion but shares it willingly with love and without question. We embrace life, cast away the frivolousness of wasted energy and concentrate on making a better world. Do I have a clue yet? [zzzzzzzzzzzz........]

Holy boring.

So you're saying no one ever asks you out. Got it.

34 posted on 07/02/2011 10:42:25 PM PDT by Darkwolf377 (``Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it``-Pope John Paul II)
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To: Charles Henrickson
Almost every one has hit on me

OK, that's a lie.

35 posted on 07/02/2011 10:43:39 PM PDT by Darkwolf377 (``Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it``-Pope John Paul II)
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To: Charles Henrickson
one of those right wingers and I got friendly. . . . He's also funny and makes me laugh till I cry. He's very much a gentleman, and I love that. . . . However, recently I've been noticing things that I think I won't be able to deal with. For example, he believes many of the homeless are 'lazy,' he thinks free trade is great 'in the long run' . . . and he thinks that increasing the taxes of the rich and corporations to pre-Reagan rates is very bad for the country. . . . I really like this right wing guy. Granted, I wouldn't be with him if I'd met some liberals and lefties. However, I don't know what to do.

I'll be glad to take him off your hands if you don't want him. ;-)

36 posted on 07/02/2011 10:56:56 PM PDT by Rainbow Rising ("Civility" is liberalspeak for "Shut up, conservatives!")
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To: Charles Henrickson
It is very important for my romantic partners to have a neutral pH. I also hear that proper pH balance is very important with respect to proper selection of underarm deodorant.
Do you use Dial®:?
Don't you wish DUmmies did?
37 posted on 07/03/2011 4:20:50 AM PDT by Condor51 (The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits [A.Einstein])
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To: Charles Henrickson
Do you subject potential romantic partners to a litmus test?
I never used to, but I have become stricter and stricter in my standards over the years.
Yeah. Having to stay within your species became a real hurdle.
38 posted on 07/03/2011 4:23:07 AM PDT by Condor51 (The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits [A.Einstein])
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To: Charles Henrickson
Anyone who's going to be more than a casual date must survive (cue dramatic music) an evening meal with our family.
They're creepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They're all together ooky,
The DUmmies Family.

Their house is a museum
Where people come to see 'em
They really are a scream
The DUmmies Family.

(Neat) (Sweet) (Petite)

So get a witches shawl on
A broomstick you can crawl on
We're gonna pay a call on
The DUmmies Family.
...............

39 posted on 07/03/2011 4:32:16 AM PDT by Condor51 (The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits [A.Einstein])
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To: Condor51; PJ-Comix; Charles Henrickson

Such a simple alteration, yet perfect for the DUmmie community. Great!


40 posted on 07/03/2011 5:29:28 AM PDT by bcsco
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To: bcsco
*** Such a simple alteration, yet perfect for the DUmmie community. Great! ***

Yes. With one simple word and it's a whole new thing. And thanks.

But over at the DUmmie Ant Farm, sometimes it's just all so easy. The jokes (and mocking and songs) write themselves.

41 posted on 07/03/2011 5:54:59 AM PDT by Condor51 (The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits [A.Einstein])
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To: Charles Henrickson

Into the top 50 like a snail riding a bottle rocket!


42 posted on 07/03/2011 6:14:56 AM PDT by Mr. Silverback (Anyone who says we need illegals to do the jobs Americans won't do has never watched "Dirty Jobs.")
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To: doorgunner69

Good one!


43 posted on 07/03/2011 1:08:44 PM PDT by Army Air Corps (Four fried chickens and a coke)
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To: Charles Henrickson

This one is hilarious. A litmus test for gay marriage indeed.


44 posted on 07/03/2011 1:30:18 PM PDT by eyedigress ((Old storm chaser from the west)?)
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To: Charles Henrickson

Yeah. I dip them in alkaline and they turn one color. I dip them in acid and they turn another color.


45 posted on 07/03/2011 1:32:26 PM PDT by RichInOC (No! BAD Rich! (What'd I say?))
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To: doorgunner69

Well, they say that all of the good men are either married or gay.


46 posted on 07/03/2011 8:02:51 PM PDT by Sapper26 (Political Refugee From the Obamanation)
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