Not for long!
Posted on 10/5/2013, 5:36:28 AM by John Semmens
Determined to put a real “sting” into the shutdown of the federal government in the absence of Congressional passage of a continuing resolution, the federal government incurred the added expense of shuttering popular open-air tourist sites.
“Money isn't the issue,” National Parks Director Jonathan Jarvis insisted. “These parks are owned by the federal government. We say when they are open and when they are closed.”
As it turns out, the NPS exercised more authority than it has. The blockades included privately funded sites that the NPS “mistakenly believed” they had the right to close. The most prominent of these was Mount Vernon—the former home of George Washington that is now run by a privately funded foundation. For that matter, though it sits on federally owned land, the WWII memorial was also built with privately raised donations.
Not all of the blockades were successful. Washington, DC's World War II memorial was successfully invaded by a contingent of 80 and 90-year-old veterans. “We had White House authorization to use deadly force if necessary,” said Park Ranger Bob Weaver. “But without comprehensive gun control laws we couldn't be sure we wouldn't be outgunned. Let's not forget that some of these old guys stormed the beaches of Normandy facing down Nazi artillery and machine guns—firepower that, thus far, has been denied to us.”
Weaver didn't sound optimistic that the NPS's most recent ploy of wiring the barricades together would keep out the invading vets. “It's not barbed wire and we can't lay down a pattern of automatic weapons fire to deter the vets from penetrating the perimeter. Fortunately, this generation is dying off and future efforts to prevent unauthorized intrusions onto government property should go more smoothly.”
Out west, tourists are utilizing helicopter tours to bypass the government's closure of Grand Canyon National Park's roadway entrances. NPS Director Jarvis is pressing the President to declare a “no fly zone” over the Park. “The government owns the airspace over the Canyon just as much as the ground on which the park sits,” Jarvis contended. “If we say the Park is closed no one has the right to view any part of it by any means. Flying over our barricades to sneak a peek is like stealing. It's just plain wrong.
Meanwhile, the October 1st implementation of the Obamacare exchanges has been largely a bust. Computer glitches impeded those few who tried to access the program. Others were stunned to discover that they must first provide an array of personal data before being allowed to see details on the insurance packages offered. Those overcoming qualms learned that the plans offered were significantly more expensive than they had been led to believe—more costly than coverages available prior to the Affordable Care Act.
if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...
http://www.freedomsphoenix.com/Opinion/142871-2013-10-04-semi-news-a-satire-of-recent-news-october-6-2013.htm
ping
bump
remember,..it’s satire
(but they don’t seem to recognize how satirical the federal government has become....)
You just know that's what they are thinking. The thought that national parks and monuments might belong to the American people never enters their pointed little heads.
Thanks again for the ping.
The NPS funding WILL be reduced going forward.
The NPS needs to be seriously smacked down. For two generations (40 yr.).
This has the least satire of any satire I’ve read lately.
You have to step it up a notch.
He is stepping it up. Reality is simply outsatiring his ability to satire.
GREAT article, John!
Suuuuuuuuure it is....
Another good one John!! Only problem was, I couldn't find the part where it diverged from the truth....
We really are living in one big-ass satire. It's freakin' disorienting.
Carry on John, you're the voice of sanity.
It's happening in the State of Washington. Essential employees are actually telling people to go away.
Although some hikers are continuing to hike in National Forests by walking around closed fences... don't get hurt because it is going to be extremely difficult to be rescued. Instead, enjoy the regional and state parks.
Wow...Dude...its just like its the real thing....wow.
As usual, your satire is right on the mark.
It is the politicians’ desire to make those closings hurt the public as much as possible.
Hopefully this gets everyday folks to become disgusted by ALL federal employees.
Treat them all the way they usually treat the general population, like crap.
Well done!
HOWEVER, You missed so many great opportunities for satire: Catholic priests being forbidden to say Mass, perform marriages and Baptisms, etc.; Obama’s golf course and Camp David open while military grocery stores are locked; Obama recreating while the military is denied NFL TV coverage on base.
There has been enough nonsense this week for 10 semi-news reports!
Not for long!
Thanks to what the Fighters that came first did.
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