Posted on 11/05/2008 7:32:29 PM PST by According2RecentPollsAirIsGood
First of all, please forgive yet another vanity in a time when there isn't a bonfire big enough to consume all the ones so far.
I consider the people here on FreeRepublic to be some of the most intelligent and also just downright decent people I know. Thus I feel I can trust your thoughtful opinions on most things. I'm still kind of young (24), and there's a lot I don't know about life. Right now, I need some relationship advice.
I have a girlfriend right now who I deeply love. We met online through another message board, and have known each other for several years as friends. A little less than a year ago, I met her for the first time in person (she lives in upstate NY, I'm in Texas) as a friend, we kind of hit it off after that, met up again later in June, and became an official couple. Things have been going extremely well so far, we see each other a lot, and we both very much love each other. I've even thought about asking her to marry me someday assuming everything continues to go well and any major hiccups are resolvable.
One of the reasons I think we've done so well so far are that we early on (before we started dating) found out that we agreed on a lot of major things that are important to a relationship. First of all, she is believing, church-going Christian (Methodist) as am I (Lutheran). I've dated non-believers before and the relationship has worked out very badly both times, thus, faith has become a very important quality to me. We also agree on abstinence until marriage, an extremely rare quality amongst young people nowadays, and that has put both her and my mind at much greater ease as we go along.
In addition, we get along very well together and have quite a few similar interests. We both have the open mind, resourcefulness, and will to make a long distance relationship work for now until we can get closer to each other. And her parents adore me. They're dairy farmers and as such are down-to-earth, genuine people, and they've instilled that in her as well. I've never had so many things going right with someone before.
Ok, sorry for all the lengthy background. The following is why I'm writing this. In obvious contrast to me, my girlfriend is adamantly anti-political. She thinks politics is depressing, she doesn't care for anyone on either side, and she avoids discussing it like the plague. Honestly, I thought I could deal with that. It is depressing, after all, and almost nobody on either side is worth a damn. A while back she let slip that she was undecided who to vote for in this election. Since then I've sporadically tried to point out the reasons to not vote for Obama, even if McCain does suck. I've tried to relay how his policies are going to personally affect both my family and hers. I even suggested that if she just didn't care, she probably shouldn't vote. I became extremely worried as election day approached.
Well, I called her yesterday, and she told me that she did indeed vote. So I asked her for whom because I'd been really wanting to know. She wouldn't tell me. I told her it was important to me, but she still refused. I think it's fairly obvious what that means.
Personally, I'm devastated by this election. I feel like I don't live in the same country anymore. I see a bleak future for anyone who wants to be successful. She, on the other hand, isn't really bothered. She didn't think her vote mattered anyways (it didn't, NY). As she's told me, she just doesn't consider politics an important part of her life and thinks everything's crappy and depressing regardless of who's in power.
She has utter apathy towards it all, and I think yesterday her vote was one of sheer ignorance. You know people like that. They don't realize that the few things they do hear in the news are abject lies. They may be decent people who, if they actually knew a tenth of what someone stood for, would not even consider voting for them. I mean, from what I've mentioned above, I think most of her core values are fairly conservative even if she may not make that connection. I think she's just naive and probably got duped. Her intractability on talking about these things, though, is probably going to make it hard for me to make headway.
So I'm very confused what to think. I was praying really hard she'd vote the right way, and I now I feel sick to my stomach. I love her greatly, and I worry that as I see the awful things planned for this country become reality that I'm going unwillingly connect her with them. I'm trying to chalk it up to apathetic ignorance on her part (which I think it is), but I don't know if that will always keep me placated.
I also will admit that I really don't want to have to face everything alone if it's going to eventually be as bad as we think it is.
Geez, I'm sorry for the long post. I've just been really worked up.
So I'm just asking for some help in figuring things out. I would appreciate if people would refrain from throwaway responses like "just get rid of her" or "get over it" or "suck it up." If anyone is married to someone who doesn't have the same beliefs as they do, I'd be interested in how you make things work. Or if you know people like my girlfriend and have advice on how to gently educate her more about our side. Or if you think I don't need to make a big deal of it, let me know. And if so, what are some ways to cope with it or ignore it or keep it from festering in my mind or what? Or just anything you have to say. I love her, and even after hearing my full out despondency last night, she still says she loves me. I need to sort myself out.
I’d prefer to say the gift of “mercy” is the gift of compassion, as mercy can have other connotations that are encouraged of all for those whom deserve forbearance (forgiveness of punishment for an actual wrong done to the offended person).
You are referring to the Missouri Synod?
Wow, I hadn’t thought that would happen with them.
“BTW, you should apologize to your girlfriend for hounding her about her vote. It makes you look like a bully.”
I say layoff her. You sound like you want to control her. Not to marry someone you love because of Political differences sounds strange to me. Just my opinion.
Which part of her body do you appreciate the most?..
Lust is a hard taskmaster.. and has enormous costs..
Takes serious self control to recognize and face your own lusts..
I'm more politically active than my husband, which makes sense, given my background. We agree on most things, but I'm far more interested in the minutia of politics than he will likely ever be. We discuss elections beforehand and write up our "cheatsheets" together to take into the voting booth, but that's about the extent of our political interaction.
If he were totally apolitical, he would still be the wonderful man, parent, provider, family leader, and partner that he is.
Your girlfriend is either a good person or she is not. Politics don't really venture into it in the sense of her having to like what you like to be a good person. I probably wouldn't have considered marrying someone who disagreed with me totally on politics, because that would mean that we would have different ethics and a different world-view, but that doesn't seem to be what you are saying. Being apolitical is not the same as having an entirely different political persuasion.
Well, I called her yesterday, and she told me that she did indeed vote. So I asked her for whom because I'd been really wanting to know. She wouldn't tell me. I told her it was important to me, but she still refused. I think it's fairly obvious what that means.
Why is it important to you? It's information you aren't entitled to. I know how my husband thinks, he knows how I think. I know he's a moral, strong man, and that's enough. Why do you need to peer into her mind that way when she says she doesn't want to talk about it?
Either she's a decent woman, or she's not. Decide which it is, and act accordingly.
Mature individuals don't have to have 100% matching interests with their spouses to have happy, successful marriages.
I never thought it would either and it is so very sad. The synod president is very proud of saying, “This is not your grandfather’s church.” Believe me, it isn’t.
There are still some congregations resisting but the deck is stacked. Prez has managed to get liberals into all the district president positions.
They are pushing for the typical dumbing down and lowering of standards to attract more people. Reverence is fading away and political correctness is taking over. Ironically, many veterans of the church have left since he became president.
It has been devastating for my family.
Yeah, nmh, I may not know as much as I should about her. I need to give it more time. If it hadn’t been for an election year, it would have happened more naturally I suppose. I don’t expect I’m going to find any deal-killing bombshells, but it will at least give me perspective on how to approach things. My mom has also made your point that certain females just don’t care that much about politics; I’ll keep it in mind.
I will pursue how Obama’s beliefs are compatible with Christianity with her....slowwwly. I’ve already explained how I find it disgusting how the left tells people they can’t make it on their own and thus need the government’s help to do anything, thus destroying their life’s potential and basically enslaving them. That’s a very moral issue to me.
interesting! where did you find this survey?
Yeah, good point. I am venting to a degree, but yeah, it might be construed as whining. I know I need to avoid that like the plague. Just in general. Thank you, and I’ll work on making sure I keep that smile in my eyes and lips. :)
I was abit left leaning when I met my husband, am not any longer..
But that is because as I matured, I began to see things differently.
So will the both of you!
If you truly love each other, there is nothing that is insurmountable, remember that!
I have been with my husband for 25 years, and I still adore him!
He is every other beat of my heart.
Step back, do some thinking, and I wish you the very best of luck!
I have never understood how people can remain in a relationship over the longterm with someone with whom they disagree politically.
In this election, for example, one really was choosing a worldview. That’s big stuff.
Moreover, the fact that this important area, which, since you’re inclined to be interested in politics, no doubt encompasses much about your values, your worldview, your view of country, history, life, death, the future, is one which your GF seems unwilling to even talk with you about would give me great pause, if I were in your shoes.
It’s destructive enough (because of the emotional distance it signals) to disagree on politics. It’s worse if a person doesn’t even want to engage your ideas or let you in to hers on this subject.
The fundamental difference between conservatism and liberalism is the centrality of the concept of personal responsibility. That controls and influences everything else about how one views political issues.
It seems to me that it would be very difficult to raise children with each parent having a different view of the nature and role of personal responsibility.
At your age, people are still maturing (hopefully) and still forming their worldviews, particularly if it took a while before they started to pay attention to politics. But, again, if your GF is not even letting you in to the process, or even willing to share with you her thought process underlying her vote, I’d be wary of what that portended.
my husband and i rarely discussed politics, early in our relationship. i admit even though i have vote R since i was old enough to vote i did not take a interest in it (read about it, watch news etc.). my husband, being canadian was some what more liberal than i preferred. these things have a way of working themselves out. if you love her and every thing else is great, dont worry.
what are her biggest areas of concern? is it finances? abortion? then discuss these issues. focus on the main one.
do so gently, sharing your knowledge on the subject. if she is private (not wanting to discuss it) send articles from trusted writers about the issue. again be gentle. let her read and come to you with questions. and be prepared!
love is not about being exactly the same, but two whole parts, distinct, coming together to make one. enjoy your differences, celebrate them even. if politics is one you can not celebrate, dont discuss it. FR provides all the political interaction a person could possibly need anyway:)
Maybe in freepmail?
Of all the vanities out there, many of which are truly horrendous, I found this one actually brought up back to thinkiing about basics in politics, which is a useful thing today.
That might not have shown up in the advice given, but it was still part of the process in thinking through the post.
Besides, the post was extremely well-written-—Bravo!-—and we should all encourage and applaud that.
I am not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet, but I personally think it all comes down to children. A house divided will have problems when it comes to children. Nothing brings out our strongest feelings than how we want our children to be raised.
Can you, in all of your feelings about her, face a future where you might be politically divided when it comes to raising your children?
Pretty sure???? I can tell from that statement that you know almost NOTHING about this girl. Surely if you've discussed abstinence, then this subject is fair game.
Are her parents Democrats or Republicans? Younger voters often vote in line with their parents. I'm ashamed now . . . but I voted for Jimmy Carter in 1980 . . . {hangs head in shame}.
Long distance relationships progressing directly to marriage are a BAD idea. Personally, I could fool any girl if I only had to "act" once a week or once a month. She (and her parents) would think I was a gem.
You get a much better feel for the real girl when there is daily contact. Insist that that the two of you live in the same city for at least a year before making any lifelong commitments.
Hi. My advice is that it is hard to have a relationship with someone who does not share your views politically esp after marriage. You need to ask yourself... How will her views effect the ways you raise your children, your future, your personal beliefs. I bring up children because I dated someone who was pro-choice and broke it off as soon as I found out. I refuse to sacriice my beliefs to please someone else. I understand that she is christian and that may not be the issue but I am sure you get it. How bout gay marriage??? I am not saying that I think you should break up, just saying that maybe you need to get to know each other a little bit better before jumping the gun. I tend to ramble in my post when I am tired (stayed up way too late last night watching the historical disappointment!)Hope all works well.
I have never in my life heard so many people say it was considered rude to ask one’s spouse how he/she voted!
I’m not commenting on it one way or the other, but I’m truly surprised that anyone thinks that way. I have never, ever heard that.
So, learn something every day, I suppose.
Quite to the contrary, where I come from it would have been considered very rude, not to mention weird, if spouses not only did not volunteer to the other who they intended to vote for, but discussed it together early and often. I can’t imagine any of the long-term couples I grew up around keeping their vote secret from each other.
Nor could I imagine it being considered rude to ask what the other spouse thought about the candidates and why and how he/she was leaning.
I’m ELCA but was schooled in Missouri Synod. My beliefs all pretty much line up with the latter except that I’m fine with female ministers and communion open to any baptized person. I know ELCA’s much more liberal, but my congregation, which I dearly love, is about as conservative as you could get.
She is United Methodist. I’ve been to several services at her church and found the sermons to be fine and not objectionable, though I still prefer my Lutheran services. A cool thing thing, actually, is that she went to a Lutheran school, and as such is familiar with our services and beliefs. If she were to move down to be near me, I think she would fit in quite well at my church.
As for UMC beliefs, I’m sure the national church is probably a lot more liberal than her congregation as well. How much of it she agrees with is just one of those things I’ll be working on. I’m having lunch with my pastor tomorrow, and we’ll probably cover this.
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