Posted on 11/10/2011 9:50:19 AM PST by Feline_AIDS
Short version: What's the tactful way to tell a friend she's marrying a loser, and should I bother?
Long version: A friend of mine, who is nominally a conservative Christian, is engaged to her liberal Muslim boyfriend of two years. At many points along the way, I dropped subtle hints about how unwise it is for a Christian to marry a non-Christian. I'm not sure why she started dating him in the first place, but I have three guesses from observing the relationship from the beginning. 1) He pursued her relentlessly. 2) He's more masculine than most of the other guys in her graduate program. 3) She desperately wants to be married and have kids.
Her family has objected to the relationship since day 1, and I've never been supportive either. I think everyone thought she would realize what a terrible idea he was and ditch him. Unfortunately, she's also pretty depressed and not receiving treatment. The depression started when they started dating.
This guy is the definition of a loser. He's been in a graduate program for the better part of a decade, has yet to even finish the first major milestone in that degree, and the end is nowhere in sight. They both are racking up debt like nobody's business, too. He can and does pontificate on liberal talking points and Islamic apologetics. He has few friends because he is an insufferable loud-talker who must always be right.
She basically broke her father's heart when she started dating this guy, so becoming engaged must have just ripped her old man's heart right out of his chest. I'm pretty sure that once they get married, the Muslim will want to move away from her family, because I can't imagine him hanging around where he's disliked.
He's the kind of Muslim who feels allegiance to Islam over his American citizenship in a political, principled way that has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with "identity." In my mind, he's the kind of guy who would radicalize because of some "injustice" somewhere, try to force his wife to convert, and saw her head off with a dull knife if she protested. The closest I ever came to telling her to run, not walk, away from this guy was when I said I worried he'd turn her into a liberal or Muslim, which she assured me would never be the case.
So how do I tell my friend that she should ditch this guy, go see a therapist or doctor, punch herself in the face for ever entertaining such a stupid idea as marrying this fool, and then for the rest of her life listen to her parents when they disapprove of a big life decision she's making, because they're probably right? I don't think any of her other friends have ever said anything negative or cautionary about this guy.
Pros of saying something:
-Friend might not go through a terrible divorce or
-Friend might not go through a terrible beheading
-Clear conscience
-It's the right thing to do, I think
Cons:
-Will likely worsen her depression
-Will certainly complicate if not ruin our friendship
Eight posts and counting, I think they'll get the message. ;)
does he have a passport and leave the country frequently?
that’s another stike against.
good luck seeing her kids if/when it all goes sideways jihadi.
I’d advise Dad to hire a PI and do a very thorough investigation. I’d take what I had to Homeland Security and have him investigated.
By the time all that happens, we may have a new President who will take the allegation seriously and roll him and the rest of his cell up.
You aren’t going to change her mind. Period.
Him however, he can be deported, arrested, surveilled.
The FBI, for the most part, takes these sorts of reports seriously.
I’d spike her food with birth control pills before she gets knocked up.
My two cents.
This is the biography that “Not Without My Daughter” the movie was based on. Good book, very good movie.
Really sorry to hear that.......While he may be a decent guy now, she will ultimately become a second class citizen and abused wife.
A Sally Fields movie immediately comes to mind........"Not Without My Daughter"
If she gets away from the guy her depression may go away. You need to tell her the truth in love and pray...both good advice from others on here. She is heading to disaster and inside she probably senses the fact but doesn’t mean she will wake up.
Marriage and kids will come, but at what cost? I would postulate that the cost to a good Christian man would be far less than the cost to a Muslim. Also, ask her how she wants to raise her sons and daughters. As Muslims or as Christians. Ask her if she has asked her boyfriend to renounce Mohammad and accept Christ as God's son and the one and only Savior.
My other thought was to ask her "has he ever tried/theatened to hit you?", with a follow-up question of "more than once?"
You have a delicate situation here. Keep in mind that you need a way to tell her the truth about what she can possibly expect in this kind of relationship once she has tied the knot. If you don’t tell her she could always use you as an excuse for allowing her to go through hell she is about to endure.
You need to educate yourself on various aspects of Islam that directly relate to her.
One is wife beating which is an institution within Islam. How about being confined to the home and never talking to another man unless it is family. How about the consequences of breaking the rules? Honor killing anyone?
How about the status of women in general in Islam? They rank just barely above infidels and we know how Muzzies feel about them. Misogyny within Islam is a given.
How about what happens to the children they have? They are automatically Muslim once they are born because they have a Muzzie father. What if they try and convert out? That act is punishable by death. Does she mind her husband beating and/or possibly killing her children?
Does she mind wearing a burka, chador, or nikab? By doing so she loses her ability to express her individuality to the public.
These are just some of the issues you need to discuss with her. Just let her know that when things go bad enough for her to desire to escape it that you are there to help her get out. Some people need to go to the School of Hard Knocks to really understand certain things.
Then she could write a book afterward about her descent into the living hell of Islam from a Western/American perspective.
There are scores of similar stories on the web. There are even a few ex-wives who are willing to speak openly about their experiences because every girl feels their prospective groom is not that kind of Muslim. A tiny percentage of them might actually be right.
Most, however, are not. While it is chic in some circles to change Christian brands for various reasons or even pick a third way like Buddhism or Judaism, Islam is not a religion you can cast aside like a nose ring.
The ultimate test should be to tell him she loves Jesus Christ and if he is devoted to her, then he will convert to Christianity as well. There are more than 300 brands to choose from and she will let him pick the brand as a compromise. Then see if he will start attending services with her.
Just this week I told my youngest daughter not only to marry a christian, but one that grew up in a christian home. I just wanted her to know how important it is...and I remind them of this often. Based on this thread, I will do it more often...
Forgot to add:
Once while drunk, he yelled at her about how badly he wanted to kill her.
Then, naturally, he cried and apologized the next day and she accepted it.
“2) He’s more masculine than most of the other guys in her graduate program.”
Which actually means he is able to bully other men around him and get away with it because American and Western men have been emasculated for the past 50 years.
As others have posted - INTERVENTION. Talk with her FAMILY and as many friends as you can and see if they care enough to do this. The chances of you getting her to see the light by yourself are NIL. An intervention is not guaranteed to work, but I think it’s your best shot. You are a true friend to do something like this.
Remember: If you see something say something...
The number for DHS is probably in the phone book.
; - )
...but it WILL end...
You are her friend. To me, being someone’s friend means doing the right thing for them, even if it might hurt your relationship. Just my philosophy, however
Tell her to ask her fiance in which religion will they raise their future children.
No advice, but I hope she wises up, because he’s going to beat the crap out of her every day starting the day they marry.
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