Posted on 03/15/2012 9:29:59 AM PDT by Altariel
Having a teenage daughter is a bit like living in the middle of a zombie movie. There will be a knock on the door, and when you open it you'll find standing there a smelly, unwashed, slack-faced male wearing ill-fitting clothes and wanting to take your daughter on a date. When she appears from where she has been shoveling on her makeup, he'll regard her with that zombie-hunger in his eyes.
Your natural impulse is to get rid of this one, but doing so doesn't improve things: There are others out there, a whole zombie army, shambling and moaning toward your home.
And what's really discouraging is that this is just the opening skirmish. As time passes, the zombies become more cunning. They learn how to penetrate your defenses, offering to help you around the house, disarming you with their seeming willingness to respect you. And then suddenly, one of them wants to marry your daughter, and you realize that you were lulled into a false sense of security.
Before this happens to you, I suggest you post these 8 Simple Rules to your front door, for all the zombies to read and heed.
Rule No. 1: If you neglected to ask my permission before you proposed to my daughter, don't worry about it. You can make it up to me by making sure your wedding is both beautiful and to a different woman.
Rule No. 2: There are many, many men your age in this world, but there is only one woman who is my daughter. She is unique. You, on the other hand, can be replaced at any time.
Rule No. 3: It has been my job all my life to make my daughter happy. Now it will be your job. My job will be to make sure you do your job. And don't think that just because my daughter has picked you it means you meet my personal standards for what is good for her. I haven't made up my mind yet and will be evaluating you over a time period known as "forever."
Rule No. 4: You may be wondering how to address me: "Dad"? "Bruce"? "Mr. Cameron"? Let's end the awkwardness. For the time being, I suggest you stick with "sir." Sample phrases to help you become accustomed to this term: "May I wash your car for you today, sir?" "Are there any tasks that I can do around the house while you watch the ballgame, sir?" "Is there anything I can do to make your life better, sir?"
Rule No. 5: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that any man who wishes to marry my daughter should have a good job and a successful career. I'm not saying you need to be the sole source of income, but I am saying if you don't take care of my daughter, I will take care of you.
Rule No. 6: You do not have a legal contract with my daughter — she can break off the engagement if she wants and there is nothing you can do about it except change your name and move out of the country. The same goes for you: I would not want you marrying my daughter if you do not truly feel you are the right man for her, nor, if you break it off, would I want you marrying anybody else. Ever.
Rule No. 7: You may, in a very male episode of last-minute panic, decide that you need to sow some wild oats right before the wedding. Let's define our roles: If you are the sower, I will be your reaper.
Rule No. 8: The vows you will be taking commit you to be faithful to my daughter "'til death do you part." Be advised if you break your vows, I'll immediately exercise the second part of the contract.
Naturally, there's more to the whole equation than just what I've got here. These rules are excerpted from my new book, "8 Simple Rules for Marrying My Daughter" (Fireside, April 2008). If you've got a daughter, I suggest you pick up a copy before the zombies breach your defenses.
To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
#5 is my absolute favorite but it is shocking that the bar has gotten so low that we need to actually insist that men gets real jobs.
My suggestion to guys looking for dates is if her father is this type of guy, go ahead and move on. You really dont want an insecure drama queen for a father in law.
Our answer was always, "the boys will come soon enough...we will let our girls do the choosing."
Well, daughter number one has chosen--her boyfriend came over this past week and asked for our blessing to propose to our daughter.
She chose well - at 22, he has a great job, owns a duplex, and is a wonderful, young man with a strong faith. One down...two to go!
A happy woman does not stray. An honorable woman doesn’t stray. An honest woman doesn’t stray. It is NOT my fault if other idiots do not raise honorable children. I do. Because I do, I demand any guy that wants to date my daughter to live up to her. The same goes for my son, who will be raised with the expectation that the father of any girl he dates will feel just like this list says.
I told my son-in-law the same thing. Only I told him I would kill him.
Too bad about Foxworthy's decision to back Mittens though.
I had a friend who came from a family of 10 boys and 2 girls. When a prospective suitor would arrive, the 10 boys had removed all the furniture except for 11 chairs. 10 on one side and one in the middle facing them.
It must have been hysterical.
That said, I have two girls. They are both over 18, but haven’t had the boy craziness. They are waiting to see what God has in store for them.
One daughter lives several states away, so I assume meet the parents means I’ll need to make a road trip.
Rule #1 There is no mortal male good enough for my daughter.
Similar rules applied to my two sons. If you get a girl pregnant you WILL drop out of school and support your child. Then you can get your degree the hard way, on your dime and after school. So they did it the old fashoned way. Got married THEN had children.
Which is exactly what the author's future father-in-law saw when he first showed up to date the mom of that beautiful daughter.
My thoughts, too.
““Son... I’ve got a .45, a shovel, and 20 acres out back. I doubt you’ll be missed.””
Yes, you will be missed, you just won’t be found.
1) I expect your daughter to be able to decide certain things without getting mommy and daddy involved. If I am to create a family of my own - you will be the extended family and hence have no veto or vote within mine.
2) There are many women in this world. Some without pompous, arrogant fathers. If I am to take your daughter as my own and become one with her, then by definition that excludes you.
3) You need a better job. Your daughter is responsible for her happiness. It is my hope that I will enhance and add to that joy of life with her and our children. I cannot make anyone happy but I will pray that the lord assists.
4) I will provide you the same respect and courtesy shown to me. I will use my manners out of RESPECT FOR MY WIFE but do not assume that it will continue if respect and courtesy is not returned.
5) I also expect that as a parent that you will not interfere and put unrealistic financial expectation on my household. I am not marrying a princess, I am marrying a partner. How we choose to execute that partnership is our business and please respect that. I don’t want to hear what you think she deserves or have resentment programmed into her as we make sacrifices starting our family.
6) Back at you. Once we are married we have a legal and spiritual contract and I expect you to honor it buy being supportive of your daughter.
7) Unfortunately in today's world, both sexes have issues with wild oats. Why don’t we both hope that this is not one of the many marriages that end in divorce or dysfunction caused by spouses being unfaithful. Cheating spouses come in both sexes unfortunately.
8) If in the event a divorce occurs, if you are one of those parents that encourages their daughter to destroy their former husband, father of the children and a part of the family for simple spite or greed or revenge or sport, then I promise you won’t have to go far to meet me - I will make you reap what you sow - That I swear!
How about this list for all the little princesses who want to get their hands on my fine SONS. They are great young men and if a meddling FIL gets in the way, GAME ON!
“Many married men, after about 10 years of bitching, consider “Till Death Do Us Part” to be a goal, rather than a commitment.”
Amen
A post after my own heart.......definitely the parent of a son
I myself have a 16-year old daughter who just happens to be gorgeous. I see the way the boys look at her (fortunately, she hasn't yet). and I know exactly what they're thinking 'cause I was a horny little pimple-faced creep once upon a time, too.
So, yeah, I do plan on being down in my workshop when she introduces me to her first date, and I do plan to be cleaning one of my AR-15s at the time. ;-)
Thank God those days are over for me. Out of five kids, one was a girl, and she married herself off to a career Navy guy who loves kids. They are a kid factory, both blood and adopted, and my wife and I couldn’t be more pleased. Our house fills up when they come to spend their summers here.
Thank you.
A friend of mine told me once what his to be father in law told him at their wedding reception...
“you ever decide, for whatever reason, don’t want her anymore, you bring her home... Don’t you dare hit her.”
I know it doesn’t have the eloquence or humor of other things posted, but I know if I was told that by my father in law, if I was any sort of decent human being that would stick like glue.
Bookmarked! Thanks!
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