Posted on 01/04/2013 5:11:46 AM PST by Lucky9teen
Well, there went my appetite. And my breakfast.
Thanks for that.
Excuse me while I go gouge out my eyes.
If it weren't for the more normal looking part below the neck I'd probably have to cut off my whole head.
Substitute "Kennedys" for "rockers" and that joke still works.
like a glop of silly putty in a sunny window
There, I said I was sorry! Are you satisfied now? Please stop posting the pictures of liberal women!!!
I think that's going to take more than a banner ad to fix.
how do you know a drummer is at your door?
then knocks get louder and faster.
how do clarinetists legally park in handicap spots?
they leave their case on the dashboard.
what does a tuba player say when he gets to his gig?
“do you want fries with that?”
how do you get a guitarist to play quieter?
give him music.
a young idiot wanted to join a band, but after trying many instruments, the band decided he was too stupid to play an actual instrument, so they gave him a pair of sticks and he became a drummer...
then he lost one and became a conducter.
so a music student opened a restaurant a while back and had a themed menu:
BBQ pulled Porkofiev . Marriage of Figarolls . Steakhausen . Elgarlic bread .
Ligeti and meatballs . Chicken Khatchaturian . James Levine ripened tomatoes .
Baby Bax ribs . Dvorak of lamb . Ives cream . Humperdinkel bread .
Veal-Lobos . Beeth-oven roasted chicken . Taco-mitsu . Esa-Pekka salami .
Chopin fried steak . Mousse-orgsky . Stravinsky lime pie .
Chicken Marsalis . Regertoni. Strawberio . Carmina banana .
Mozartichoke hearts . Creme Boulez. Dello jello .
Beverages : Jaegermeistersinger . Midori on the rocks . Prokoffee-ev.
i don’t know if i can Handel all the jokes. i must be Frank,it’s Strauss-ing me out and i’m getting a bit Lizst-less. it’s making Menotti. so Bach off, and Holst Orff on the jokes!
that’s it.. i’m done. i need some dessert. .some rainbow Shubert sounds good.
Didn't actually expect me to read all that, didja?
You can't be Bach. Schwarzenegger gets to be Bach. You have to be Handel.
I'm thinking Arnold Schwarzenegger. I think he'd make a great Jesus. And then, right before he dies on the cross, he can say, "Ah'll be bahk."
Sort of gets ya', right here, dodn't it?
ah ha! top this one! (from marx brothers’ animal crackers)
Spaulding: What do you fellas get an hour?
Ravelli: For playing, we get-a ten dollars an hour.
Spaulding: I see. What do you get for not playing?
Ravelli: Twelve dollars an hour.
Spaulding: Well, clip me off a piece of that.
Ravelli: Now for rehearsing, we make special rate. That’s-a fifteen dollars an hour...That’s-a for rehearsing.
Spaulding: And what do you get for not rehearsing?
Ravelli: You couldn’t afford it. You see, if we don’t rehearse, we a-don’t play, and if we don’t play (he snaps his finger) - that runs into money.
Spaulding: How much would you want to run into an open manhole?
Ravelli: Just-a the cover charge! Ha, ha, ha.
Spaulding: Well, drop in some time.
Ravelli: Sewer.
Spaulding: Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.
Ravelli: Well, let’s see how-a we stand.
Spaulding: Flat-footed.
Ravelli: Yesterday, we didn’t come. (To Mrs. Rittenhouse) You remember, yesterday we didn’t come?
Spaulding: Oh, I remember.
Ravelli: Yes, that’s three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Yesterday, you didn’t come, that’s three hundred dollars?
Ravelli: Yes, three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Well, that’s reasonable. I can see that alright.
Ravelli: Now today, we did come. That’s-a (pause)..
Spaulding: That’s a hundred you owe us.
Ravelli: Hey, I bet I’m gonna lose on the deal. Tomorrow we leave. That’s worth about (pause)..
Spaulding: A million dollars.
Ravelli: Yeah, that’s alright for me, but I’ve got a partner.
When the pessimist heard opportunity knocking, he said "cut out that noise!"
Why are Violist's ears sought after for transplants?
They've never been used.
Why are Violas larger than Violins?
They're not; It's an optical illusion. Viola players have small heads.
What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
A chainsaw has a better chance at blending in a string quartet.
What do you call a Viola player with half a brain?
Gifted. (I thought that was a drummer?)
What do you call a Violist with more than one brain cell?
Pregnant.
Why are some Violists taking up the Accordion?
Upward mobility.
I love movie quotes.......
For anyone thinking of running from the police, they should consider the immortal words of one Elwood Blues:
“You can’t outrun a Motorola.” (Blues Brothers 2000)
Helen: I can't believe you don't want to go to your own son's graduation.
Bob: It's not a graduation. He is moving from the 4th grade to the 5th grade.
Helen: It's a ceremony!
Bob: It's psychotic! They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity, but if someone is genuinely exceptional...
An illegal alien, a socialist, and a Muslim walk into a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you, Mr President?”
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.