~THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD~

[Lucky9teen]

And then I read this....

On January 1, 400 new federal laws took effect. Meanwhile, state legislatures passed 29,000 bills and resolutions, many of which came into force on the first of the year. Local government added thousands of new laws.

Ignorance is no excuse, so start cramming on all the weird new regulations you have to follow as of Tuesday:

1. In California, it's now unlawful to let a dog pursue a bear or bobcat at any time. Previously, exceptions had been made for hunting. Bad news for dogs, good news for bears and bobcats.

2. The new laws aren't just about banning things! Florida law revised the term "motor vehicle" to exclude swamp buggies, deregulating the primary mode of transportation in that state.

3. In an assault on the civil rights of crazy cat ladies, residents of Wellington, Kansas are now limited to no more than four cats per household. The hope is that restricting ownership will lower the town's burgeoning cat population.

4. Fun news: Illinoisans under 21 can drink alcohol now! Less fun: They have to be enrolled in a culinary program to do so.

5. Film producers in California must have permission from a pediatrician before filming a child under the age of one month. Suddenly, Real Infants of Newport Beach looks less likely to be green-lit.

6. In the category of "how the hell wasn't this illegal already," California prison workers will no longer be allowed to have sex with inmates.

7. Sex offenders in Illinois are banned from distributing candy on Halloween or playing Santa or the Easter Bunny.

8. No more "popping wheelies" on motorcycles in Illinois, but they can run a red light if the coast is clear.

9. Don't steal grease in North Carolina. Those who steal more than $1,000 worth of grease can be found guilty of a felony. It's the kind of overcompensation that happens when your state doesn't have mineral or gas deposits.

If all this sounds like things you did on New Year's Eve, I hope you had fun. No more such hijinks in 2013.

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

Well, there went my appetite. And my breakfast.

[ArGee]

Mrs Pelosi's staff releases accurate but Photoshopped photo of her

Thanks for that.

Excuse me while I go gouge out my eyes.

If it weren't for the more normal looking part below the neck I'd probably have to cut off my whole head.

[Disambiguator]

How many rockers does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to hold the bulb, 4 to drink until the room is spinning.

Substitute "Kennedys" for "rockers" and that joke still works.

[Lucky9teen]

I wasn't going to post this...but you asked for it...

[llevrok]

like a glop of silly putty in a sunny window

[fredhead]

That looks like

[ArGee]

OK, OK, I'm sorry for the Sarah Jessica Parker posts.

There, I said I was sorry! Are you satisfied now? Please stop posting the pictures of liberal women!!!

[skinkinthegrass]

I wasn't going to post this...
but you asked for it...G@WD!
YOU MADE US LOOK!

[ArGee]

I think that's going to take more than a banner ad to fix.

[ArGee]

A tip for you guys. Never slide off the edge of a boat - especially in a speedo.

[ArGee]

Don't laugh. This may be your definition of a luxury car in the next 2 years - thanks to the Fiscal Cliff deal.

[absolootezer0]

how do you know a drummer is at your door?
then knocks get louder and faster.

how do clarinetists legally park in handicap spots?
they leave their case on the dashboard.

what does a tuba player say when he gets to his gig?
“do you want fries with that?”

how do you get a guitarist to play quieter?
give him music.

a young idiot wanted to join a band, but after trying many instruments, the band decided he was too stupid to play an actual instrument, so they gave him a pair of sticks and he became a drummer...
then he lost one and became a conducter.

so a music student opened a restaurant a while back and had a themed menu:
BBQ pulled Porkofiev . Marriage of Figarolls . Steakhausen . Elgarlic bread .
Ligeti and meatballs . Chicken Khatchaturian . James Levine ripened tomatoes .
Baby Bax ribs . Dvorak of lamb . Ives cream . Humperdinkel bread .
Veal-Lobos . Beeth-oven roasted chicken . Taco-mitsu . Esa-Pekka salami .
Chopin fried steak . Mousse-orgsky . Stravinsky lime pie .
Chicken Marsalis . Regertoni. Strawberio . Carmina banana .
Mozartichoke hearts . Creme Boulez. Dello jello .
Beverages : Jaegermeistersinger . Midori on the rocks . Prokoffee-ev.

i don’t know if i can Handel all the jokes. i must be Frank,it’s Strauss-ing me out and i’m getting a bit Lizst-less. it’s making Menotti. so Bach off, and Holst Orff on the jokes!

that’s it.. i’m done. i need some dessert. .some rainbow Shubert sounds good.

[ArGee]

Caught ya. He can't have BBQ pulled Porkofiev and Prokoffee-ev in the same menu.

Didn't actually expect me to read all that, didja?

You can't be Bach. Schwarzenegger gets to be Bach. You have to be Handel.

[ArGee]

I always wanted to produce my own film based on the Gospels. But I never liked those namby-pamby girly-men they keep finding to play Jesus. Jesus was a carpenter. In those days a carpenter would have had to be pretty strong, which is also supported by him driving everyone out of the Temple and turning over those tables without being challenged. He must have been a pretty big guy.

I'm thinking Arnold Schwarzenegger. I think he'd make a great Jesus. And then, right before he dies on the cross, he can say, "Ah'll be bahk."

Sort of gets ya', right here, dodn't it?

[absolootezer0]

ah ha! top this one! (from marx brothers’ animal crackers)

Spaulding: What do you fellas get an hour?
Ravelli: For playing, we get-a ten dollars an hour.
Spaulding: I see. What do you get for not playing?
Ravelli: Twelve dollars an hour.
Spaulding: Well, clip me off a piece of that.
Ravelli: Now for rehearsing, we make special rate. That’s-a fifteen dollars an hour...That’s-a for rehearsing.
Spaulding: And what do you get for not rehearsing?
Ravelli: You couldn’t afford it. You see, if we don’t rehearse, we a-don’t play, and if we don’t play (he snaps his finger) - that runs into money.
Spaulding: How much would you want to run into an open manhole?
Ravelli: Just-a the cover charge! Ha, ha, ha.
Spaulding: Well, drop in some time.
Ravelli: Sewer.
Spaulding: Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.
Ravelli: Well, let’s see how-a we stand.
Spaulding: Flat-footed.
Ravelli: Yesterday, we didn’t come. (To Mrs. Rittenhouse) You remember, yesterday we didn’t come?
Spaulding: Oh, I remember.
Ravelli: Yes, that’s three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Yesterday, you didn’t come, that’s three hundred dollars?
Ravelli: Yes, three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Well, that’s reasonable. I can see that alright.
Ravelli: Now today, we did come. That’s-a (pause)..
Spaulding: That’s a hundred you owe us.
Ravelli: Hey, I bet I’m gonna lose on the deal. Tomorrow we leave. That’s worth about (pause)..
Spaulding: A million dollars.
Ravelli: Yeah, that’s alright for me, but I’ve got a partner.

[a fool in paradise]

Definition of an optimist: An accordion player with a pager.

When the pessimist heard opportunity knocking, he said "cut out that noise!"

[ArGee]

Sadly, Abbot and Costello never did anything about music (at least that has been transcribed for the Internet). But I did find these.

Why are Violist's ears sought after for transplants?
They've never been used.

Why are Violas larger than Violins?
They're not; It's an optical illusion. Viola players have small heads.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
A chainsaw has a better chance at blending in a string quartet.

What do you call a Viola player with half a brain?
Gifted. (I thought that was a drummer?)

What do you call a Violist with more than one brain cell?
Pregnant.

Why are some Violists taking up the Accordion?
Upward mobility.

[fredhead]

I love movie quotes.......

For anyone thinking of running from the police, they should consider the immortal words of one Elwood Blues:

“You can’t outrun a Motorola.” (Blues Brothers 2000)

[ArGee]

I love movie quotes too. Here's one from "The Incredibles."

Helen: I can't believe you don't want to go to your own son's graduation.
Bob: It's not a graduation. He is moving from the 4th grade to the 5th grade.
Helen: It's a ceremony!
Bob: It's psychotic! They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity, but if someone is genuinely exceptional...

[Slings and Arrows]

An illegal alien, a socialist, and a Muslim walk into a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you, Mr President?”