Skip to comments.FReeper Advice on Divorce
Posted on 07/12/2013 11:42:18 PM PDT by wac3rd
I want some advice as to any FReepers who have gone through a divorce. We have good jobs, good health (I'm a little overweight - 245 lbs and 6'4") and two young kids, 6 and 2.
There is just no feeling there anymore, we just resent each other and there is no love or passion. We sleep apart, don't do date night and our social lives, other than family and kid/school/sports activities are apart.
I tried to get her to church, she isn't super religious, but spiritual (good person).
I live in the suburbs on San Francisco and feel really lonely after coming home, working long hours, and feeling unwanted. I love the kids so much but my wife is constantly complaining about something I do wrong.
I am tired of working so hard to have no connection with my spouse. After 10 years, we rarely are intimate and she is happier at a cooking class or bike riding with the girls than going to a movie, dinner or working out with me.
I wonder if any FReepers have been through this, I pray a lot asking what I can do, but she is so negative and never smiles when I am home. It is really tough.
Any advice would be appreciated.
OP you have 2 kids who adore you, for now stop pining for passion and focus first on what you do have and build from there
Coupes therapy or counseling would be good, if she wont do it go alone
BTW. You are a “little” overweight and this can be a physical turn off. Work on losing the weight, getting yourself fit, keep up personal hygiene (breath/BO), use advise and insights from counselor or pastor to help you boost your own self esteem
(if you are in depression get treatment)
Spend real quality time with your kids and develop one outside interest or hobby for yourself that gives you something to talk about! Cooking? Photography? Camping? Beachcombing?
And find one project around the house that needs done and work on it! Then another. Its your home! Remember- you can't change HER but you can change YOU and changing YOU may change her but at least it will be good for YOU
Hubby and I have been through this - a couple of times.
Between work, kids and everything else that life threw at us, at times, we ended up with some huge gaps.
The thing is to open up a conversation with her - in a nonhostile way so that she doesn’t get defensive. Tell her you miss her and ask her if she wants to work on this. That’s the start.
If she’s still invested then the two of you have to come up with a plan to make it work. Marriage counseling can help.
May I ask how the two of you came to be in separate bedrooms?
Been through the whole mess.. will let all of the other FReepers speak for me though.. (I WILL say this though, it is NOT man friendly for the father/man back in the states :/)
Wish you the best (and my best advice is to stay together until the kids are out of the house.. they should always come first).. I am lousy at giving advice :/
There must be 50 ways to leave your lover......
I haven’t even spoke to my wife in almost two years, we’re not fighting, I just don’t want to interrupt her.
LOL, did you really? I shouldn’t laugh, but hubby and I got married to each other twice. No second divorce for us....yet.
He’ll never leave, he never left after the first divorce, I just have to keep him now.
He’s a big mush, under all his bluster, I will say that.
“My old boss divorced an remarried his wife 9 times”
For real? That’s astonishing! I’ve never heard of anything like that. They’re like a one couple Larry King and Liz Taylor! Couldn’t they just do the renew the vows thing? It’s not a tax scam, is it? Amazing.
So you’re both working, two young kids—demanding ages!
What percent of the childcare responsibilities would you say you’re carrying as well? What is your willingness to go on a bike ride or take a cooking class with your wife?
245 ain’t healthy and no matter how your marriage ends up you’d be better off with some healthy cooking and exercise. Seems like the sort of thing your wife would be supportive of as well.
If one person is living healthy and you’re not on the same page it’s easy to pull in the other direction.
Have you tried something as simple as 30 days moving in your wife’s direction? Could bring you closer together, lead her moving in your direction in response, and get yourself on a healthier track all at the same time.
Then, of course, there’s the counseling option. But with two small children and a good person as a wife, I hope you can hang in through and improve upon the rough patch here.
Hubby and I have been married 35 years and have had our ups and downs. All I could think of when reading your post was how blessed you are. Count your blessings instead of seeing the half empty glass. Even is you both do it only for the kids it is worth it and by all means seek out counseling. If she is “spiritual” that’s a good sign. Start by praying daily yourself for God to show you the way, that you want to save your marriage. If you can, pray together. Perseverance pays off big time and when you are both old and gray having fun with your grandkids it will be worth it. If she wants to ride a bike or go to a cooking class say - that sounds good can I come along? God loves a selfless giver and pretty soon you will be giving to each other. Ok I’m off my soapbox, and will pray for you both. Please don’t give up.
I wish we could be close again. I hate being alone when Im married.
We are all married to the same woman. That is why divorce and re-marriage seldom works.
...working long hours...Is it necessary that you work so much? In other words, if you're barely around, are you easily forgotten too?
I am tired of working so hard to have no connection with my spouse.
...I work a lot...
I love married women . Somebody has to...... <. /sarcasm>
Stay safe !
Love waxes and wanes, it changes, it goes away, it comes back, it turns to hate, indifference, disgust it isn’t a bed of roses or a perpetual high.
If you really love your kids you will do anything to prevent a divorce.
I forgot to add that if you get divorced you will be working to pay child support, rarely get to see your kids.
Seriously. If you and your wife and look at this and laugh together, it means you are okay.
TO quote...life isn't a bowl of cherries, but it is your life, and you did make a promise. And so did she. My parents had it out with each other for years, she packed her bags a few times. He was a functional alcoholic most of his life, of French, Irish, English and Scottish ancestry, and was always cool and remote. She was the hot tempered unpredictable one of Italian and Armenian blood, and she raised us while dad was at sea.
But 15 years before my dad died, he kicked alcohol, and it was wonderful to see. They finally understood the dynamic of a good marriage, after all those years.
The understood and accepted that you don't GIVE something to the other person because they GIVE something to you...
You SURRENDER something, because SHE surrenders something for you.
The success of the marriage is about the other person, not you. If you can both figure out how to do that, you can save your marriage.
Marriage isn't about hopping into the sack. It is about respect. Love comes in many guises, and when you start out, as the sign above says, it comes in the lovely form of a man on bended knee offering a ring to a pretty girl with tears in her eyes. It also arrives years later with two people holding hands in a store, laughing while looking at a sign like the one above, each nowhere near as attractive as they used to be, but seeing the humor and truth in the sign, and feeling closer because of it!
That's love, my friend.
Start by having date nights once a week, every week. Tell your wife you want to get to know her again. Get a babysitter and go out to dinner on Saturday night. You need to revitalize your marriage, and one date a week will go a long way. Good luck.
that God made man the INITIATOR and woman the RESPONDER. ( ladyL)
LadyL is absolutely correct.
Are you being physically affectionate in a casual manner with your wife throughout your entire time together? Just touching a hand, an quick hug, a brush on the shoulder with your hand as you pass by her chair, lingering a little longer with her hand when passing the salt?
Casual affection is **very** very** very** important in a marriage and thankfully my husband is a master at doing this.
Little inexpensive surprises for no reason at all are very welcome. Just yesterday my husband greeted me with a package of tacos. He was in the Supermarket and picked them up knowing that I like them. Have you ever stopped to pick wildflowers along the side of the road just to give your wife a surprise? Is there a warm smile on your face for your wife when you come home from work?
And...I bet your wife and the girls would just love it if you joined them in biking.
Are you helping to read to the children in the evening and helping to get them ready for bed? Do you take time with the kids to pray with them before bed? Do the kids have an **early** bedtime so that you and your wife have time to be alone together just to rest and recharge? My preschoolers were asleep at 7 p.m. Even as older children the rule was that they were in their rooms reading by 7 p.m. That gave my husband and I about 2 hours of “rest and recharge” time in the evening. Have good daily routines for the children are very important in reducing stress on you and your wife.
Also,....Are you taking time to have a weekly date night. My husband and I have done this for 31 years. It can be very simple. Recently, my husband and I have been going out for one slice of pizza at the local Costco. When the kids were little and money was tight just the cost of one or two hours of baby sitting was **well** worth the expense even if date night was a ice cream at Mc Donalds.
Regarding: “Working Out”
If you have 4 or 5 hours of free time during the day, and 2 of those hours are spent “working out” and getting to and from the gym, that is 50% of you free time taken from your wife and girls. My suggestion is that you find ways to naturally fit exercise into your daily routine. If you have a break or lunch time at work walk around the block a few times. Give this some serious and creative thought. Yes, we need exercise to be healthy but does it need to be at a gym?
Finally....Love is a VERB. It is an action word. So...Love ( action) your wife as you would like her to love you. Continue your attendance at church and increasing your spirituality. Take the children with you. Pray for your wife and hopefully she will be prompted to join you.
Good morning wac, at least it is here in east TN.
Your post has struck a chord in me that I need to answer.
First, let me say that my heart goes out to you and your wife. Nothing crumbles in a day, not a castle, not a man, not a marriage. So, this place you find yourself in has been a journey, a process of steps. Give that lots of thought, try to identify the things, the words, the hurts, that have gotten you to where you are and then undo them, nullify them, forgive them, whatever it takes.
Marriage is an important thing, to be held in high esteem and preserved if at all possible. Having said that, as people, sometimes that is not possible.
I am still newly married after a failed marriage, I am now also saved by Christ. This time around its different. I am now trying at all costs to live by Gods word. And that word tells me “Love your wife as Jesus loved the church.”
Can you picture that Love wac? It breaks my heart that, as much as I love my wife, I don’t come close to loving her the same as Jesus loves me. I know, beyond a doubt, that I annoyed Him, angered Him, disappointed Him, hurt Him, and more. And yet He’s not left me, not forsaken me. Knowing that, how can I do less?
It is telling that the Bible tells husbands “Love your wives” and yet does not have those words for wives. Regardless, it is incumbent on the husband to Love.
My wife and I had a pretty good fuss a while back, I left the house in an angry cloud to get some air. I can tell you, when I stopped to take some air and quiet down, I heard inside, clearly, “Love her anyway” and while the words were not there, the inferred words were “The same way I have loved you.”
Wac, I will pray for you, that the Lord would give you strength and love and patience. Seek Him, ask his help. And at the same time, take a moment or two and try to remember why you fell in love in the first place. What was it that made you crazy about this woman. Try mending some fences, love her unconditionally, show her that you do. It is an action even more than a feeling.
Peace wac3rd, you are much prayed for. One freeper to another.
My wife and I went thru some tough years about then, too. We are now at 22 years and happier than ever.
Make sure she knows you are committed to the relationship no matter what. Make her feel secure.
Put the kids first. (With kids, you’ll deal with her for the next 20 years together or apart.)
Woo her again. Life’s not fair. She should be an equal partner, but if she’s not, she’s still the gatekeeper to your kids.
Woo her friends. Have then telling her what a great guy she has. (Have a surprise party for her and her friends, cook, serve, let them do girl stuff, then make yourself scarce. Or arrange a spa day with her and her friends.)
You have not even been married long enough to complain this much! You haven’t earned the right yet...God had a reason when He told people to marry, in marriage you learn to be unselfish. Sounds like you don’t get it yet. JEsse Lee Peterson can give you great advice on his radio show. OR Roy Masters...fhu.com. Good luck
Dr. Laura once read a letter from a couple who had been in your circumstances some years before. Because of the kids, they promised each other to be nice to each other, and to stay together until the kids no longer needed the effective parenting.
By the time the kids grew up and out, the couple discovered that they really loved each other, and they stayed together.
I have never forgotten that, and try to remember it whenever my wife does something that annoys me, and I hope she does on those far more frequent occasions when I do something that annoys her. :)
Make it YOUR responsibility for her to want to be with you instead of hers. You sound resentful of her friends. Facilitate her friendships. Offer to babysit so she can go out, etc.
You have a negative cycle going on. You are depressed, so she has even less interest in being around. Change your behavior (whether you feel it or not.)
And you can’t try it once then give up and say it didn’t work. Positive cycles take time like the negatives ones.
I kicked my wife out of the bedroom years ago because of snoring and smelly feet. She managed get back in for a couple of years when my daughter was born but I kicked her out again. It’s nothing personal.
He’s right though, I have my two sons as example, one is married 20 yrs, overcame all the things you are talking about and is in love with his wife. His kids are healthy, happy and achievers. His wife went to school when the kids got older and makes money up the wazoo, they still live on his income and spend her money on fun, investments and savings. The kids are almost grown and the oldest has scholarships to pay for her college including room and board. Both the kids have jobs.
My other son is divorced, his wife was, like you are today, looking for excitement and adventure, not the mundane, up and down life that marriage is. Their children have had a really tough life. They have spent most of their life alone because a judge allowed their mother to move across the country. Their mother works a little, parties a lot, doesn’t even provide all the basic needs for them, while my son sends her over a third of his take home pay.
I buy just about everything they need except the roof over their heads which is in the highest crime area in their city. They sit alone in an apartment while she works part time and parties full time.
Oh yeah, I’ve been married 42 years, there have been times when I plotted his death, lol. We are very happy and I can say that we’ve been happy for most of the time but in the bad times you just plod through it.
I have watched so many of my friends divorce and remarry and have all the same problems as in the first, second and third marriage. So many of them have never found happiness and contentment. They found the grass was not greener and their children suffered greatly and as a rule, are less successful than the kids who grew up with their dysfunctional married parents.
Maybe he should flirt a little with other women when his wife is around. See how she reacts.
I would say you have another 10 years to get your kids raised and then get out of this situation and get on with your life. Not knowing what caused this change in her or you I would not give any advice on how to deal with it other than to talk to her and try to determine what her problem is or what she perceives you have done wrong. If she wants the marriage to work she will cooperate with trying to get it back on track....if not you just have to wait it out .
There is some advice on this subject in the Kirk Cameron movie,”Fireproof”.
Put the WIFE first. Putting the kids first is where problems arise.
I know what you mean, as a young mother I identified with my friends because we were all raising our kids and had a lot to talk about because our kids became our main focus.
One day my husband had to go out of town and wanted me to go with him. I didn’t want to leave the kids because I worked part time and was working the next day. We had a fight and he was going to go alone and I said I wished he had 4 flat tires. So I ended up going with him and no lie, we had 4 flats. We got the first one fixed before we left town, had another in the first 10 miles and used the spare, had another one at about 40 miles and an acquaintance with the same kind of wheel stopped and loaned us his spare. We made it to the next town with a low tire. It turned out that the tires were defective but I never said that I hoped anything bad would happen ever a again and I still kind of panic when others do.
While it was a harrowing day we still laugh about the incident to this day and in 42 years we’ve had a lot of crazy days.
Some good advice I heard along the way:
“Fake it until you make it.”
When the emotions are not there, sometimes it’s a matter of sheer will. Eventually the emotions will catch up and supercede the will.
Child of divorce here. If you can avoid divorce, I beg you to do so. Unless there is an overwhelming reason to separate (like physical abuse), your children will suffer FOREVER from this, and I don’t care WHAT the headshrinkers say.
Oh, they may be able to live with it, as I have been, but even 30 years on, it still affects me terribly.
Parents of young children, like you are, often go through what is happening in your house. My own household went through it, and you know what? It can get better, but it does take some effort. Maybe your wife’s body has changed so much that she doesn’t even recognize herself and no longer feels attractive. You can help her with that! If she doesn’t smile anymore, smile at her. Tell her how pretty she looks today. Tell her that the supper she just cooked was delicious. Mention a funny time you had together when you were dating, and remind her about how happy you were on your wedding day.
You’d be amazed at how such little things can cheer up a girl who may just need a little confidence boost.
Anyway, give it a try. It certainly can’t hurt, and it could save your marriage and spare your children incredible hurt.
You both have your health? You both have employment? You have healthy children? You have a roof over your heads? And you want to give all this up, because you’re not getting enough sex? Get a hobby. Spend more time helping your children learn and thrive. Grow up.
A divorce is the punishment for a failed marriage.
Get Dr. Laura’s “Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage”.
I don’t understand it, but it is not mine to understand.
I’m a long suffering sort of fellow so I kinda get it, but 9 times?
Neil certainly has been through a lot.
Advice ? Don’t do it unless you plan on winning ... take all the money ahead of time , retain a great lawyer and fight like it’s a murder trial.
This is a story handed down by our family of our Indian heritage. One of my great grandfathers married an Indian woman. She wanted to go to a party with one of his sisters. He didn't want her to go. She went anyway which made him very mad and he told her, "I hope lightening strikes you!" That very day lightening struck her and killed her.
You do not have biblical grounds for divorce. You should therefore not get one.
It is spiritually and otherwise hard for you to live like this. I recommend you get regular and biblical counsel from your pastor, ASSUMING he counsels biblically. If not, pm me, I will email you an excellent reference for a biblical pastor I can recommend without reservation who is in SF.
Prayed for you.
Obedience to God is not an option.
Prayers for you.
Prayers your way, I wish I could tell you something useful otherwise. I just don’t know the situation well enough. I can tell you that a divorce, even when warranted is a soul draining experience. The effects on the children at that age? It’s like given the scenario you stated, unless you are partners raising the kids, then whoever doesn’t get custody will be alienated by the children.
So is divorce or a wife refusing sex.
Discreet affair sure beats the cost divorce brings on husband and kids in particular
God can sort out who did worse.....wife who refused or husband who cheated in response
My brother went through a divorce in CA a while back and came out OK so it might give some hope...
Seven years married, no kids (phew) but she had him put her on the mortgage one week before she walked and she went after half his retirement.
Took two LONG years but he got away with paying one lump of abt $100K, most of which went to her lawyer...heh....boy, was she po’d!
Definitely money well spent!
Begin taking care of your physical appearance, and develop your own interests. Don't do it for her, do it for yourself. If there is any love left she'll recognize the doormat coming out from under her and will begin to think twice.
Coming out and asking for divorce outright will seem like a threat to her, and she's been conditioned by society to respond with an escalation in order to be in control, feminist claptrap.
Her friends are likely poisoning the well, too. They do that in groups away from their husbands. Popular culture encourages it.
Be a great dad, be a good husband but don't bow and scrape, she wanted to dominate you, actually is dominating you, and hates you for it.
Good luck, you're going to need it. If you can't subtly persuade her to see you as desirable again, it's going to either die quietly as a loveless, distant union or die with a lot of disruption and anger.
Begin looking into what you could be facing by consulting with a male-favorable divorce attorney just in case. Look into legalities as far as sheltering assets, because she'll be encouraged to take it all if she can.
Love your kids, make certain there is absolutely no question in their minds how much their daddy loves them. That relationship will be poisoned out of spite if divorce actually does come.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.