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FReeper Advice on Divorce
wac3rd ^ | 07-12-13 | wac3rd

Posted on 07/12/2013 11:42:18 PM PDT by wac3rd

I want some advice as to any FReepers who have gone through a divorce. We have good jobs, good health (I'm a little overweight - 245 lbs and 6'4") and two young kids, 6 and 2.

There is just no feeling there anymore, we just resent each other and there is no love or passion. We sleep apart, don't do date night and our social lives, other than family and kid/school/sports activities are apart.

I tried to get her to church, she isn't super religious, but spiritual (good person).

I live in the suburbs on San Francisco and feel really lonely after coming home, working long hours, and feeling unwanted. I love the kids so much but my wife is constantly complaining about something I do wrong.

I am tired of working so hard to have no connection with my spouse. After 10 years, we rarely are intimate and she is happier at a cooking class or bike riding with the girls than going to a movie, dinner or working out with me.

I wonder if any FReepers have been through this, I pray a lot asking what I can do, but she is so negative and never smiles when I am home. It is really tough.

Any advice would be appreciated.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Society
KEYWORDS: divorce; putgodinyourlives; separation
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To: flaglady47
this is great advice especially option 3!

OP you have 2 kids who adore you, for now stop pining for passion and focus first on what you do have and build from there

Coupes therapy or counseling would be good, if she wont do it go alone

BTW. You are a “little” overweight and this can be a physical turn off. Work on losing the weight, getting yourself fit, keep up personal hygiene (breath/BO), use advise and insights from counselor or pastor to help you boost your own self esteem

(if you are in depression get treatment)

Spend real quality time with your kids and develop one outside interest or hobby for yourself that gives you something to talk about! Cooking? Photography? Camping? Beachcombing?

And find one project around the house that needs done and work on it! Then another. Its your home! Remember- you can't change HER but you can change YOU and changing YOU may change her but at least it will be good for YOU

101 posted on 07/13/2013 3:06:50 AM PDT by silverleaf (Age Takes a Toll: Please Have Exact Change)
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To: wac3rd

Hubby and I have been through this - a couple of times.

Between work, kids and everything else that life threw at us, at times, we ended up with some huge gaps.

The thing is to open up a conversation with her - in a nonhostile way so that she doesn’t get defensive. Tell her you miss her and ask her if she wants to work on this. That’s the start.

If she’s still invested then the two of you have to come up with a plan to make it work. Marriage counseling can help.

May I ask how the two of you came to be in separate bedrooms?


102 posted on 07/13/2013 3:22:54 AM PDT by Marie ("The last time Democrats gloated this hard after a health care victory, they lost 60 House seats.")
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To: wac3rd

Been through the whole mess.. will let all of the other FReepers speak for me though.. (I WILL say this though, it is NOT man friendly for the father/man back in the states :/)

Wish you the best (and my best advice is to stay together until the kids are out of the house.. they should always come first).. I am lousy at giving advice :/


103 posted on 07/13/2013 3:40:02 AM PDT by Bikkuri (Molon Labe)
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To: wac3rd

There must be 50 ways to leave your lover......


104 posted on 07/13/2013 3:43:08 AM PDT by Hot Tabasco (I ain't no cracker, I'm a white a$$ soda biscuit...)
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To: wac3rd
If it was me, before a big move like a divorce, I would get into physical shape. Join a gym. Go three times a week. Do an hour of cardio each day and in the beginning hire a trainer to help you work out to achieve what you want. Eat better during the week. Once you get into shape, start feeling better physically and about yourself in general, you then can see if this has an effect on your marriage. In the worse case you will be in a better, more clear position to make this decision.

God Bless.

105 posted on 07/13/2013 3:51:10 AM PDT by Vision (Political Correctness is unAmerican)
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To: wac3rd

I haven’t even spoke to my wife in almost two years, we’re not fighting, I just don’t want to interrupt her.


106 posted on 07/13/2013 3:56:28 AM PDT by DeepInTheHeartOfTexas
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To: 2ndDivisionVet

LOL, did you really? I shouldn’t laugh, but hubby and I got married to each other twice. No second divorce for us....yet.

He’ll never leave, he never left after the first divorce, I just have to keep him now.

He’s a big mush, under all his bluster, I will say that.


107 posted on 07/13/2013 3:59:09 AM PDT by jocon307
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To: mylife

“My old boss divorced an remarried his wife 9 times”

For real? That’s astonishing! I’ve never heard of anything like that. They’re like a one couple Larry King and Liz Taylor! Couldn’t they just do the renew the vows thing? It’s not a tax scam, is it? Amazing.


108 posted on 07/13/2013 4:02:12 AM PDT by jocon307
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To: wac3rd

So you’re both working, two young kids—demanding ages!

What percent of the childcare responsibilities would you say you’re carrying as well? What is your willingness to go on a bike ride or take a cooking class with your wife?

245 ain’t healthy and no matter how your marriage ends up you’d be better off with some healthy cooking and exercise. Seems like the sort of thing your wife would be supportive of as well.

If one person is living healthy and you’re not on the same page it’s easy to pull in the other direction.

Have you tried something as simple as 30 days moving in your wife’s direction? Could bring you closer together, lead her moving in your direction in response, and get yourself on a healthier track all at the same time.

Then, of course, there’s the counseling option. But with two small children and a good person as a wife, I hope you can hang in through and improve upon the rough patch here.

FReegards.


109 posted on 07/13/2013 4:04:32 AM PDT by 9YearLurker
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To: wac3rd

Hubby and I have been married 35 years and have had our ups and downs. All I could think of when reading your post was how blessed you are. Count your blessings instead of seeing the half empty glass. Even is you both do it only for the kids it is worth it and by all means seek out counseling. If she is “spiritual” that’s a good sign. Start by praying daily yourself for God to show you the way, that you want to save your marriage. If you can, pray together. Perseverance pays off big time and when you are both old and gray having fun with your grandkids it will be worth it. If she wants to ride a bike or go to a cooking class say - that sounds good can I come along? God loves a selfless giver and pretty soon you will be giving to each other. Ok I’m off my soapbox, and will pray for you both. Please don’t give up.


110 posted on 07/13/2013 4:09:16 AM PDT by MomwithHope (Buy and read The Liberty Amendments by Mark Levin!)
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To: wac3rd
You know, most of my married friends say the same thing. The women become mean, distant...read weird books, take yoga, eat crazy healthy stuff and are angry and resentful.

I wish we could be close again. I hate being alone when I’m married.

We are all married to the same woman. That is why divorce and re-marriage seldom works.

111 posted on 07/13/2013 4:15:58 AM PDT by D Rider
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To: wac3rd
...working long hours...

I am tired of working so hard to have no connection with my spouse.

...I work a lot...
Is it necessary that you work so much? In other words, if you're barely around, are you easily forgotten too?

That being said, my only sure-fire advice is to seek Him constantly (more than you are already doing). Little prayers throughout the day are good, "Jesus, please help me; Jesus, I love you."

We attend Eucharistic Adoration (even if you're not Catholic, it's of great benefit, as it's a quiet place to pray), and one priest told my husband you never know how many men have come to Adoration after a fight with their wives, thinking about divorce, but change their minds after spending time with God. Again, if you're not Catholic, I realize you wouldn't believe Jesus is in your presence "quite literally," BUT regardless, Jesus will be with you through your prayers there. Stop by for even just five minutes: http://www.therealpresence.org/chap_fr.htm

And even though you are in good health, you might want to get a standard check up. If anything, it will be showing your wife you care about yourself (thus, the family).

Remember, it's only the devil who wants you to back out. Jesus is the better alternative. :)
112 posted on 07/13/2013 4:25:39 AM PDT by mlizzy (If people spent an hour a week in Eucharistic adoration, abortion would be ended. --Mother Teresa)
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To: wardaddy

I love married women . Somebody has to...... <. /sarcasm>

Stay safe !


113 posted on 07/13/2013 4:54:29 AM PDT by Squantos ( Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet ...)
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To: wac3rd

Love waxes and wanes, it changes, it goes away, it comes back, it turns to hate, indifference, disgust it isn’t a bed of roses or a perpetual high.

If you really love your kids you will do anything to prevent a divorce.


114 posted on 07/13/2013 4:54:55 AM PDT by tiki
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To: wac3rd

I forgot to add that if you get divorced you will be working to pay child support, rarely get to see your kids.


115 posted on 07/13/2013 5:01:35 AM PDT by tiki
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To: wac3rd

Seriously. If you and your wife and look at this and laugh together, it means you are okay.

TO quote...life isn't a bowl of cherries, but it is your life, and you did make a promise. And so did she. My parents had it out with each other for years, she packed her bags a few times. He was a functional alcoholic most of his life, of French, Irish, English and Scottish ancestry, and was always cool and remote. She was the hot tempered unpredictable one of Italian and Armenian blood, and she raised us while dad was at sea.

But 15 years before my dad died, he kicked alcohol, and it was wonderful to see. They finally understood the dynamic of a good marriage, after all those years.

The understood and accepted that you don't GIVE something to the other person because they GIVE something to you...

You SURRENDER something, because SHE surrenders something for you.

The success of the marriage is about the other person, not you. If you can both figure out how to do that, you can save your marriage.

Marriage isn't about hopping into the sack. It is about respect. Love comes in many guises, and when you start out, as the sign above says, it comes in the lovely form of a man on bended knee offering a ring to a pretty girl with tears in her eyes. It also arrives years later with two people holding hands in a store, laughing while looking at a sign like the one above, each nowhere near as attractive as they used to be, but seeing the humor and truth in the sign, and feeling closer because of it!

That's love, my friend.

116 posted on 07/13/2013 5:04:32 AM PDT by rlmorel (Silence: The New Hate Speech)
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To: wac3rd

Start by having date nights once a week, every week. Tell your wife you want to get to know her again. Get a babysitter and go out to dinner on Saturday night. You need to revitalize your marriage, and one date a week will go a long way. Good luck.


117 posted on 07/13/2013 5:04:45 AM PDT by utahagen
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To: ladyL; wac3rd

that God made man the INITIATOR and woman the RESPONDER. ( ladyL)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

wac3rd,

LadyL is absolutely correct.

Are you being physically affectionate in a casual manner with your wife throughout your entire time together? Just touching a hand, an quick hug, a brush on the shoulder with your hand as you pass by her chair, lingering a little longer with her hand when passing the salt?

Casual affection is **very** very** very** important in a marriage and thankfully my husband is a master at doing this.

Little inexpensive surprises for no reason at all are very welcome. Just yesterday my husband greeted me with a package of tacos. He was in the Supermarket and picked them up knowing that I like them. Have you ever stopped to pick wildflowers along the side of the road just to give your wife a surprise? Is there a warm smile on your face for your wife when you come home from work?

And...I bet your wife and the girls would just love it if you joined them in biking.

Are you helping to read to the children in the evening and helping to get them ready for bed? Do you take time with the kids to pray with them before bed? Do the kids have an **early** bedtime so that you and your wife have time to be alone together just to rest and recharge? My preschoolers were asleep at 7 p.m. Even as older children the rule was that they were in their rooms reading by 7 p.m. That gave my husband and I about 2 hours of “rest and recharge” time in the evening. Have good daily routines for the children are very important in reducing stress on you and your wife.

Also,....Are you taking time to have a weekly date night. My husband and I have done this for 31 years. It can be very simple. Recently, my husband and I have been going out for one slice of pizza at the local Costco. When the kids were little and money was tight just the cost of one or two hours of baby sitting was **well** worth the expense even if date night was a ice cream at Mc Donalds.

Regarding: “Working Out”
If you have 4 or 5 hours of free time during the day, and 2 of those hours are spent “working out” and getting to and from the gym, that is 50% of you free time taken from your wife and girls. My suggestion is that you find ways to naturally fit exercise into your daily routine. If you have a break or lunch time at work walk around the block a few times. Give this some serious and creative thought. Yes, we need exercise to be healthy but does it need to be at a gym?

Finally....Love is a VERB. It is an action word. So...Love ( action) your wife as you would like her to love you. Continue your attendance at church and increasing your spirituality. Take the children with you. Pray for your wife and hopefully she will be prompted to join you.


118 posted on 07/13/2013 5:09:49 AM PDT by wintertime (Yuri Bezmenov was a prophet.)
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To: wac3rd

Good morning wac, at least it is here in east TN.

Your post has struck a chord in me that I need to answer.

First, let me say that my heart goes out to you and your wife. Nothing crumbles in a day, not a castle, not a man, not a marriage. So, this place you find yourself in has been a journey, a process of steps. Give that lots of thought, try to identify the things, the words, the hurts, that have gotten you to where you are and then undo them, nullify them, forgive them, whatever it takes.

Marriage is an important thing, to be held in high esteem and preserved if at all possible. Having said that, as people, sometimes that is not possible.

I am still newly married after a failed marriage, I am now also saved by Christ. This time around its different. I am now trying at all costs to live by Gods word. And that word tells me “Love your wife as Jesus loved the church.”

Can you picture that Love wac? It breaks my heart that, as much as I love my wife, I don’t come close to loving her the same as Jesus loves me. I know, beyond a doubt, that I annoyed Him, angered Him, disappointed Him, hurt Him, and more. And yet He’s not left me, not forsaken me. Knowing that, how can I do less?

It is telling that the Bible tells husbands “Love your wives” and yet does not have those words for wives. Regardless, it is incumbent on the husband to Love.

My wife and I had a pretty good fuss a while back, I left the house in an angry cloud to get some air. I can tell you, when I stopped to take some air and quiet down, I heard inside, clearly, “Love her anyway” and while the words were not there, the inferred words were “The same way I have loved you.”

Wac, I will pray for you, that the Lord would give you strength and love and patience. Seek Him, ask his help. And at the same time, take a moment or two and try to remember why you fell in love in the first place. What was it that made you crazy about this woman. Try mending some fences, love her unconditionally, show her that you do. It is an action even more than a feeling.

Peace wac3rd, you are much prayed for. One freeper to another.


119 posted on 07/13/2013 5:10:28 AM PDT by RoadGumby (This is not where I belong, Take this world and give me Jesus.)
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To: wac3rd

My wife and I went thru some tough years about then, too. We are now at 22 years and happier than ever.

I’d advise:

Make sure she knows you are committed to the relationship no matter what. Make her feel secure.
Put the kids first. (With kids, you’ll deal with her for the next 20 years together or apart.)
Woo her again. Life’s not fair. She should be an equal partner, but if she’s not, she’s still the gatekeeper to your kids.
Woo her friends. Have then telling her what a great guy she has. (Have a surprise party for her and her friends, cook, serve, let them do girl stuff, then make yourself scarce. Or arrange a spa day with her and her friends.)


120 posted on 07/13/2013 5:12:01 AM PDT by Onelifetogive (I tweet, too... @Onelifetogive)
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To: wac3rd

You have not even been married long enough to complain this much! You haven’t earned the right yet...God had a reason when He told people to marry, in marriage you learn to be unselfish. Sounds like you don’t get it yet. JEsse Lee Peterson can give you great advice on his radio show. OR Roy Masters...fhu.com. Good luck


121 posted on 07/13/2013 5:14:55 AM PDT by abigail2
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To: wac3rd

Dr. Laura once read a letter from a couple who had been in your circumstances some years before. Because of the kids, they promised each other to be nice to each other, and to stay together until the kids no longer needed the effective parenting.

By the time the kids grew up and out, the couple discovered that they really loved each other, and they stayed together.

I have never forgotten that, and try to remember it whenever my wife does something that annoys me, and I hope she does on those far more frequent occasions when I do something that annoys her. :)


122 posted on 07/13/2013 5:17:49 AM PDT by Daveinyork
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To: wac3rd
This works every time and a few freeper men can attest to it.Get on your knee's tell her you love her and you are sorry and will do anything she wants.I am female married 52 years.
123 posted on 07/13/2013 5:23:26 AM PDT by fatima (Free Hugs Today :))
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To: wac3rd

Make it YOUR responsibility for her to want to be with you instead of hers. You sound resentful of her friends. Facilitate her friendships. Offer to babysit so she can go out, etc.

You have a negative cycle going on. You are depressed, so she has even less interest in being around. Change your behavior (whether you feel it or not.)

And you can’t try it once then give up and say it didn’t work. Positive cycles take time like the negatives ones.


124 posted on 07/13/2013 5:27:25 AM PDT by Onelifetogive (I tweet, too... @Onelifetogive)
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To: wac3rd

I kicked my wife out of the bedroom years ago because of snoring and smelly feet. She managed get back in for a couple of years when my daughter was born but I kicked her out again. It’s nothing personal.


125 posted on 07/13/2013 5:28:13 AM PDT by Berlin_Freeper (Not Guilty by reason of sanity.)
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To: wac3rd

He’s right though, I have my two sons as example, one is married 20 yrs, overcame all the things you are talking about and is in love with his wife. His kids are healthy, happy and achievers. His wife went to school when the kids got older and makes money up the wazoo, they still live on his income and spend her money on fun, investments and savings. The kids are almost grown and the oldest has scholarships to pay for her college including room and board. Both the kids have jobs.

My other son is divorced, his wife was, like you are today, looking for excitement and adventure, not the mundane, up and down life that marriage is. Their children have had a really tough life. They have spent most of their life alone because a judge allowed their mother to move across the country. Their mother works a little, parties a lot, doesn’t even provide all the basic needs for them, while my son sends her over a third of his take home pay.

I buy just about everything they need except the roof over their heads which is in the highest crime area in their city. They sit alone in an apartment while she works part time and parties full time.

Oh yeah, I’ve been married 42 years, there have been times when I plotted his death, lol. We are very happy and I can say that we’ve been happy for most of the time but in the bad times you just plod through it.

I have watched so many of my friends divorce and remarry and have all the same problems as in the first, second and third marriage. So many of them have never found happiness and contentment. They found the grass was not greener and their children suffered greatly and as a rule, are less successful than the kids who grew up with their dysfunctional married parents.


126 posted on 07/13/2013 5:32:13 AM PDT by tiki
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To: flaglady47

So true!

Maybe he should flirt a little with other women when his wife is around. See how she reacts.


127 posted on 07/13/2013 5:35:11 AM PDT by bonfire
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To: wac3rd

I would say you have another 10 years to get your kids raised and then get out of this situation and get on with your life. Not knowing what caused this change in her or you I would not give any advice on how to deal with it other than to talk to her and try to determine what her problem is or what she perceives you have done wrong. If she wants the marriage to work she will cooperate with trying to get it back on track....if not you just have to wait it out .


128 posted on 07/13/2013 5:36:50 AM PDT by ontap (***)
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To: ladyL

Deep advice.


129 posted on 07/13/2013 5:38:43 AM PDT by spetznaz (Nuclear-tipped Ballistic Missiles: The Ultimate Phallic Symbol)
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To: wac3rd

There is some advice on this subject in the Kirk Cameron movie,”Fireproof”.


130 posted on 07/13/2013 5:39:18 AM PDT by Anima Mundi (At least we don't need to run away from home to join the circus these days.)
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To: Onelifetogive

Put the WIFE first. Putting the kids first is where problems arise.


131 posted on 07/13/2013 5:42:52 AM PDT by bonfire
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To: Hetty_Fauxvert

I know what you mean, as a young mother I identified with my friends because we were all raising our kids and had a lot to talk about because our kids became our main focus.

One day my husband had to go out of town and wanted me to go with him. I didn’t want to leave the kids because I worked part time and was working the next day. We had a fight and he was going to go alone and I said I wished he had 4 flat tires. So I ended up going with him and no lie, we had 4 flats. We got the first one fixed before we left town, had another in the first 10 miles and used the spare, had another one at about 40 miles and an acquaintance with the same kind of wheel stopped and loaned us his spare. We made it to the next town with a low tire. It turned out that the tires were defective but I never said that I hoped anything bad would happen ever a again and I still kind of panic when others do.

While it was a harrowing day we still laugh about the incident to this day and in 42 years we’ve had a lot of crazy days.


132 posted on 07/13/2013 5:54:55 AM PDT by tiki
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To: wac3rd

Some good advice I heard along the way:

“Fake it until you make it.”

When the emotions are not there, sometimes it’s a matter of sheer will. Eventually the emotions will catch up and supercede the will.


133 posted on 07/13/2013 5:55:33 AM PDT by randita
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To: wac3rd

Child of divorce here. If you can avoid divorce, I beg you to do so. Unless there is an overwhelming reason to separate (like physical abuse), your children will suffer FOREVER from this, and I don’t care WHAT the headshrinkers say.

Oh, they may be able to live with it, as I have been, but even 30 years on, it still affects me terribly.

Parents of young children, like you are, often go through what is happening in your house. My own household went through it, and you know what? It can get better, but it does take some effort. Maybe your wife’s body has changed so much that she doesn’t even recognize herself and no longer feels attractive. You can help her with that! If she doesn’t smile anymore, smile at her. Tell her how pretty she looks today. Tell her that the supper she just cooked was delicious. Mention a funny time you had together when you were dating, and remind her about how happy you were on your wedding day.

You’d be amazed at how such little things can cheer up a girl who may just need a little confidence boost.

Anyway, give it a try. It certainly can’t hurt, and it could save your marriage and spare your children incredible hurt.

Good luck.

Regards,


134 posted on 07/13/2013 5:59:36 AM PDT by VermiciousKnid (Sic narro nos totus!)
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To: wac3rd

You both have your health? You both have employment? You have healthy children? You have a roof over your heads? And you want to give all this up, because you’re not getting enough sex? Get a hobby. Spend more time helping your children learn and thrive. Grow up.


135 posted on 07/13/2013 6:10:13 AM PDT by abclily
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To: wac3rd

A divorce is the punishment for a failed marriage.


136 posted on 07/13/2013 6:12:30 AM PDT by AD from SpringBay (We deserve the government we allow.)
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To: wac3rd

Get Dr. Laura’s “Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage”.


137 posted on 07/13/2013 6:25:18 AM PDT by SeaHawkFan
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To: jocon307

For real.
I don’t understand it, but it is not mine to understand.

I’m a long suffering sort of fellow so I kinda get it, but 9 times?
Holy wow!


138 posted on 07/13/2013 6:28:03 AM PDT by mylife (Ted Cruz understands the law, and he does not fear the unlawful.)
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To: 21twelve

Neil certainly has been through a lot.


139 posted on 07/13/2013 6:29:36 AM PDT by Finatic (I ran out of change and have given up on hope. FUBO, I am so sick of your sorry a$$ you effin punk)
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To: wac3rd

Advice ? Don’t do it unless you plan on winning ... take all the money ahead of time , retain a great lawyer and fight like it’s a murder trial.


140 posted on 07/13/2013 6:49:38 AM PDT by Neidermeyer (I used to be disgusted , now I try to be amused.)
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To: wac3rd
Work it out at all costs. There is some good advice by freepers to consider. Being alone and back on the dating scene is no fun and distressing at an older age. I lost my wife 12 years ago and think of a million things I would have done differently to keep from being in the situation I am currently which is alone. God bless you and I wish you the best.
141 posted on 07/13/2013 6:52:54 AM PDT by vetvetdoug
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To: tiki
I never said that I hoped anything bad would happen ever a again and I still kind of panic when others do.

This is a story handed down by our family of our Indian heritage. One of my great grandfathers married an Indian woman. She wanted to go to a party with one of his sisters. He didn't want her to go. She went anyway which made him very mad and he told her, "I hope lightening strikes you!" That very day lightening struck her and killed her.

142 posted on 07/13/2013 6:57:07 AM PDT by Errant
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To: wac3rd

You do not have biblical grounds for divorce. You should therefore not get one.

It is spiritually and otherwise hard for you to live like this. I recommend you get regular and biblical counsel from your pastor, ASSUMING he counsels biblically. If not, pm me, I will email you an excellent reference for a biblical pastor I can recommend without reservation who is in SF.

Prayed for you.

Obedience to God is not an option.


143 posted on 07/13/2013 7:03:54 AM PDT by Persevero ( What is your 'fair share' of what someone else has worked for?" -Thomas Sowell)
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To: wac3rd

Prayers for you.


144 posted on 07/13/2013 7:20:22 AM PDT by fieldmarshaldj (Resist We Much)
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To: wac3rd

Prayers your way, I wish I could tell you something useful otherwise. I just don’t know the situation well enough. I can tell you that a divorce, even when warranted is a soul draining experience. The effects on the children at that age? It’s like given the scenario you stated, unless you are partners raising the kids, then whoever doesn’t get custody will be alienated by the children.


145 posted on 07/13/2013 7:24:14 AM PDT by Caipirabob (Communists... Socialists... Democrats...Traitors... Who can tell the difference?)
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To: skr

So is divorce or a wife refusing sex.

Discreet affair sure beats the cost divorce brings on husband and kids in particular

God can sort out who did worse.....wife who refused or husband who cheated in response


146 posted on 07/13/2013 7:58:56 AM PDT by wardaddy (the next Dark Ages are coming as Western Civilization crumbles with nary a whimper)
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To: Mark17

My brother went through a divorce in CA a while back and came out OK so it might give some hope...
Seven years married, no kids (phew) but she had him put her on the mortgage one week before she walked and she went after half his retirement.
Took two LONG years but he got away with paying one lump of abt $100K, most of which went to her lawyer...heh....boy, was she po’d!
Definitely money well spent!


147 posted on 07/13/2013 8:20:57 AM PDT by matginzac
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To: wac3rd
Hope for the best, but prepare for war. First, you have to get yourself healthy as it seems you are depressed, which can be a vicious cycle, as you become rather dull to be around when depressed. See a doctor, and handle the depression. For me, I workout daily, which is as good, or better than any medication a doctor can give you for depression. It doesn't hurt to have your wife suddenly see that other women are interested. I'm not saying have an affair. Eat right, lose the extra weight, and read interesting books. You will suddenly become an excellent conversationalist. I find that when I am in conversation, simply for the sake of it, attractive women will join the conversation on their own volition.

Next, get a list together of the top divorce attorneys in your area. Go down to the divorce courts, and ask around about who the best 5 attorneys are for divorce. You can also look at a service called Martindale Hubble (spelling?). They have attorney ratings which are given, anonymously, by other attorneys. If after you've tried the numerous suggestions listed here, and things are still in the dumpster, and you decide to file for divorce, take a couple of weeks and make contact with each and everyone of the lawyers on your list. Even if you don't decide to use them, you have effectively blocked them from appearing on her behalf, owing to the potential conflict of interest, and the fact that you had confidential discussions with them.

Get a folder going on your most important papers, deeds, life insurance policies, your birth certificates, etc and be able to lay your hands on all your important paperwork in a hurry. Put aside a "contingency" fund, to help you through the divorce because its going to cost you thousands to pay the lawyers, find alternative living arrangements, pay for miscellaneous furnishings, etc. You will find no matter how much you think you need, it won't be enough. If she is a stay-at-home mom, begin to insist on her finding a job, a full-time job, otherwise the courts will give her custody of the children. If you leave, and move into your own place and leave the children behind, you will give her almost automatic custody as the courts don't like to cause great upheaval in the children's lives, and rightfully so. Whoever is caring for the children when the custody issues are settled are going to most likely retain custody, or at the minimum, you will get joint custody automatically. Think about that, are you ready to accept full-time care of your children with an occasional weekend off? It's a big change, and I did it, so believe me, its a huge change. The older the children are, the more likely the courts are to ask them where they want to live. Usually 13 is when the courts start listening to the kids. Do not let the children choose her, and when they have a fight and your child comes to with a long list of abuses, let them switch where they are living to you. Kids will play you against each other to get relaxed rules. Don't feel guilty if you're not the custodial parent, and let them do whatever they want on the weekends they are with you. If she gets a live-in boyfriend, do a full background check on him, looking for the obvious child predator issues, but a full criminal background check, employment check, etc. A good private investigator will dig up quite a bit on him for a thousand bucks of so.

I wish you, and your children much luck. I'd recommend staying together under the circumstances you have outlined, but only you know what is right. I'd ask you to take a look at the statistics of the likeliehood the children will be drop outs, vs non-divorce children. The same is true, for crime stats, teenage pregnancy, etc.

Hope for the best, but prepare for war, because divorce can be a war. It can also be handled decently by two people who are adults about things and sit down with an arbitrator to work out property division, alimony, child support, child visitation, etc. You might think she'll be reasonable about it, but she just might go off the rails, once she realizes it is real. Be prepared for that.
148 posted on 07/13/2013 8:29:11 AM PDT by krogers58
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To: Errant

Wow!


149 posted on 07/13/2013 8:42:00 AM PDT by tiki
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To: wac3rd
You're being taken for granted. You've let yourself go.

Begin taking care of your physical appearance, and develop your own interests. Don't do it for her, do it for yourself. If there is any love left she'll recognize the doormat coming out from under her and will begin to think twice.

Coming out and asking for divorce outright will seem like a threat to her, and she's been conditioned by society to respond with an escalation in order to be in control, feminist claptrap.

Her friends are likely poisoning the well, too. They do that in groups away from their husbands. Popular culture encourages it.

Be a great dad, be a good husband but don't bow and scrape, she wanted to dominate you, actually is dominating you, and hates you for it.

Good luck, you're going to need it. If you can't subtly persuade her to see you as desirable again, it's going to either die quietly as a loveless, distant union or die with a lot of disruption and anger.

Begin looking into what you could be facing by consulting with a male-favorable divorce attorney just in case. Look into legalities as far as sheltering assets, because she'll be encouraged to take it all if she can.

Love your kids, make certain there is absolutely no question in their minds how much their daddy loves them. That relationship will be poisoned out of spite if divorce actually does come.

150 posted on 07/13/2013 8:48:05 AM PDT by RegulatorCountry
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