Posted on 05/23/2014 5:38:26 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?...
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once..
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan, The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan .....)
PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . .. . "He-brews"
Don't argue with idiots...they will pull you down to their level and beat you with experience!
I think I still have my Internet Porn Whore ID card. Though it was not from the silliness thread, simply a thread with a man making an admiring comment about his wife, it was still FR.
Ok, BenLurkin.... You just invited some serious bomb throwing.....and left everyone unprotected.
I found it. Once you see it, you can’t miss it.
Was that, “Wrong, ‘Face,” or “wrong dog face”...???
When I saw this the photo was larger, so I could find the cat. But I forgot where it was... *sigh*
Had to copy and paste that dang thing, so I could enlarge it to see this one. Now I don’t know how I missed it.
Piper doesn’t have all that black on her face.
You used to get in a lot of trouble back then!
Excellent
LOL!
I figured. But a husky is a husky. They are all airheads and all loveable.
Still, some fun stuff. I'll have to look at that stuff, then again, maybe I don't want to!
Because there are no mosques in Venice, The Italian Government has allowed Muslims to pray in the streets.
So far 543 have drowned.
GOD BLESS THE ITALIANS!
I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, minding my own business and patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a “Remember 9-11” slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, “Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America” and took off before the light changed.
Out of no where an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, “Man....that could have been me!”
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
“RETARDED” GRANDPARENTS
Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do.
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box that has wheels, but its strapped to the ground. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don’t know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all just jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
PRICELESS
Forward to all your “retarded grandparent” friends. Or just your “retarded” friends.
As if my life
Weren’t trying enough
I have to live
On a street named Gough
I really wouldn’t
Mind it though
Why not simply
Pronounce it Gough
If slough is slew
To rhyme with through
Couldn’t you pronounce it Gough
You can lead a horse
To the watering trough
But you can’t make him drink
And I won’t say Gough
It’ll sink in. Eventually. ;)
Ha! You got my tagline.
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