Corn Fed Venison - It Looked Good On Paper!

West Virginia Blogger ^ | 3/12/08

[LibWhacker]

As I sit here behind this laptop, I now realize that this definitely wasn’t the brightest idea I have ever had. I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up — 3 of them. I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. ..my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it…took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer– no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn’t want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand…kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head –almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal — like a horse — strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the prey.

[elcid1970]

This story makes it much easier to watch a deer getting popped at two hundred yards on the hunting shows.

Especially when the hunter is smart enough to go for a neck shot that drops Bambi’s dad in his tracks on the spot.

Only my version TV hunting show would begin, not end, with the climactic moment of deer death. I would call it,

“OK, You Shot it, Now Whatcha Ya Gonna Do with It?”

[CH3CN]

Now you know why I carry a 2X4 when I cross the front yard during rutting season. I saw one almost take out a neighbor when she walked out her back door.

Great thread. Thanks for the ping and the laugh.

[penowa]

Someone sent me this in an e-mail a couple of months ago. As soon as I saw your post, I started laughing again before I even read it. I decided that maybe I’m sadistic or maybe just warped, but I think this is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read, even the second time. Thanks for another good laugh.

[Squantos]

Eaker finally tells his story.......

[Eaker]

In my defense the deer belonged to a gang.

Had a foul mouth on him too. Cussed a blue streak!

[TNdandelion]

LOL Someone told me about a deer that attacked them once. She was driving her car one night and saw a deer near the road and stopped her car to wait and see what the thing would do. (Assuming it would wait until she was right on top of it before jumping out in the road.) She waited for a second and the deer just looked at her. Finally, she honked her horn and the thing attacked her car, jumping on the hood of the ending and creating significant damage.

Then she had to explain it to her insurance company. LOL

[nkycincinnatikid]

The consequences of a giraffe clearing its throat are simply beyond imagining for the rest of us.

[Diana in Wisconsin]

LOL! Thanks for the ping. Is the author REALLY that stupid? ;)

[Diana in Wisconsin]

Read this one? :)

[gracie1]

“To liven things up, they decided to make a video.” Somehow, afterward I think they wish they had made the other kind.

[fella]

I was doing OK until I read this now my tummy has a laugh-ache.

[SJackson]

If you’d like to be on or off this Upper Midwest/outdoors/rural list please FR mail me. And ping me is you see articles of interest.

[Judith Anne]

This is such a great story. Gave me a great laugh!

Ray Stevens or somebody did a song about hitting a deer with his car, putting (what he thought was) the dead deer in the back seat, and ending up in jail.

[wizr]

Thanks! Passin’ this one on.

[Petronski]

All that adrenalin toughens the meat.

[MaryFromMichigan]

Funny thread!
Thanks for the ping!

[SJackson]

Thanks. A year or two ago there was a thread about a guy who roped a black bear, not intentionally. Quite funny.

Aside from the foolishness of the project, had he been successful I'd speculate he'd be in store for some substantial fines if his unlicensed game farm, stocked from the wild, came to light.

[gracie1]

On Bob & Tom radio show they used to play a song based on a real 911 call. Someone had hit a deer with his car and thought “hey, free meat!” He wrestled the deer into the back of the car and drove off. The deer was only knocked out though. It woke up kicking and biting! The bit includes a guy on the phone going “I need a bambalance! This m*@!?&%$#ing deer is bitting my a$$!”

[50cal Smokepole]

Tanks fer da ping, der hey. This is a good (and funny) story of how Bambi ain’t such a pushover after all. How anyone who spends any time outdoors with deer thinks that they’re all sweetness and light, is beyond me. And yes, corn fed deer make for fine eating.

[nw_arizona_granny]

Thanks for the ping, I enjoyed laughing.