Posted on 10/12/2009 12:32:58 PM PDT by George Stupidnopolis
BIN LADEN ESCAPES MOON BOMBING!
Reacting to internet chatter indicating that mass murderer/terrorist Osama bin Laden was hiding in outer space, the American Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with NASA, last week began bombing the Moon. This followed Homeland Security’s raising of the lunar terror-alert level to “orange.”
“Well, a lot of people think bin Laden is in Pakistan, and have even offered us his home phone number, street address, and Facebook page. However, the president felt that, since bombing Pakistan might achieve measurable results, we should expand our search further afield,” said Isa Brownnose, the assistant to the assistant to the assistant director of Homeland Security in charge of blowing holes in celestial bodies. “After a six-month investigation we determined, almost conclusively, that bin Laden was in orbit around the Earth. Vice President Biden said he could see his face every night when he looked up, made his three wishes, and had lacivious thoughts about Barbara Eden.”
Though the mission was unsuccessful, Brownnose attributed the lack of results to newly issued rules of engagement regarding insults that might bruise the self-esteem of the indigenous lunar population.
“Pressure was brought on by members of Code Pink, who then convinced the ACLU to file suit against certain members of the military,” he said. “The gist of both the protest and the suit was that dropping a bomb on the Moon might lead to the possible death or injury of the imaginary Moon Fairies who call the lunar satellite home. Bin Laden, wily fox that he is, was almost certainly hiding in their area, using them as fairy shields. Thus, we dropped the bomb five hundred miles away. I am happy to report that no Moon Fairies were hurt, and that the production of magical, green cheese goes on unhindered by our imperialist assault.”
Osama bin Laden, according to Brownnose, was least seen fleeing the Moon on horseback.
“Our failure can once again be blamed on George W. Bush, who foolishly saw little need to establish diplomatic relations with the Moon. Luckily, the days of intergalactic ‘ space cowboy diplomacy’ are over," he said.
Angered by the detonation of bombs on the Moon, the International Intergalactic Society Associated for the Prevention of Cruelty to Moon Fairies (I.I.S.A.P.C.M.F.) issued the following statement.
“We condemn the United States for their hostile actions against unsuspecting Moon Fairies,” said Quisp, former cereal spokesperson and chairman of the I.I.S.A.P.C.M.F. “You Earthlings first showed disrespect when you forcibly removed the tasty breakfast treat bearing my name from your grocery store shelves. Everything was great from 1965 till 1972, but then you brushed me aside as if I were little more than a Northern Venusian Vomit-Adder birthed in the cosmic squaller of the Goshan galaxy. Now, you add insult to injury with your thoughtless affronts against imaginary, law-abiding, gossamer-winged creatures with the power to bring joy to the loins of parochial schoolboys everywhere. Therefore, we insist that you apologize immediately. Failure to do so will result in UN sanctions, the loss of TV privileges, and complete annihilation.”
Undisclosed sources at the White House confirm that an apology was actually on its way before the plan of action was even conceived.
“We like to stick with our strengths,” said the source.
“Bin Laden Escapes Moon Bombing”
But I did hear that we killed 20 civilians attending an Afghani wedding.
Funny, but not acticism or chapter business.
Them dern caves, I tell ya....
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.