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EPA Gets Serious about CO2 Crackdown
A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 12 December 2009 | John Semmens

Posted on 12/12/2009 10:47:39 AM PST by John Semmens

Tired of waiting for Congress to pass the “Cap-and-Trade” bill, the US Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) announced it will initiate its own measures to control carbon dioxide emissions. The thrust of the EPA’s approach will be to determine a carbon emissions “budget” for every individual household and assess fines and penalties for those whose emissions exceed an allowable amount.

EPA administrator Lisa Jackson acknowledged that this approach would be more costly than a cap and trade system, but defended it as “leverage to induce Congress to take action. Carbon dioxide is the most dangerous pollutant because there are so many sources of emission. It is imperative that we take action to cut it.”

Jackson said the “budgets” for each individual will be set using the model for how the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) assesses income taxes. “Everyone who now fills out a tax return will be required to also fill out an annual ‘declaration of estimated emissions’ form,” Jackson explained. “There will be an instruction booklet—like the one the IRS mails to taxpayers—that emissions filers can use to help them complete the form.”

The types of information required on the form will include number of persons in the household and their weights, number and type of motor vehicles owned, miles driven, and frequency of miscellaneous use of combustibles like gasoline-powered lawn mowers and backyard grills.

“Those who try to cheat by underreporting their emissions will be subject to audits,” Jackson reminded. “There will also be neighborhood spot checks, as well as a system to reward those who turn in cheating neighbors. Not incidentally, the surveillance system will open up job opportunities and help fight the recession.”

(Excerpt) Read more at azconserv1.wordpress.com ...


TOPICS: Government; Humor; Politics; Weather
KEYWORDS: bigbrother; climatechange; environment; epa; globalwarming; nannystate; satire

1 posted on 12/12/2009 10:47:39 AM PST by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens
Jackson said the “budgets” for each individual will be set using the model for how the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) assesses income taxes. “Everyone who now fills out a tax return will be required to also fill out an annual ‘declaration of estimated emissions’ form,” Jackson explained. “There will be an instruction booklet—like the one the IRS mails to taxpayers—that emissions filers can use to help them complete the form.”

OMG, DO NOT give these people any ideas. What we regard as satire will end up being the law of the land under liberals.

2 posted on 12/12/2009 10:49:29 AM PST by Hardastarboard (Maureen Dowd is right. I DON'T like our President's color. He's a Red.)
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To: John Semmens

In celebration of this new edict, I shall, gleefully and exuberantly, fart an extra two ‘toot’s to ‘global warming’....ALL HAIL THE CO2 MONARCHY!!!!!!


3 posted on 12/12/2009 10:49:56 AM PST by Gaffer
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To: 14erClimb; #1CTYankee; 2nd Bn, 11th Mar; 2ndDivisionVet; 3D-JOY; A message; abigailsmybaby; ...

ping


4 posted on 12/12/2009 10:50:21 AM PST by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens

John, thanks for the ping, but you’re not fooling me this time!


5 posted on 12/12/2009 10:52:00 AM PST by Pearls Before Swine
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To: John Semmens

I can just see it now. These people will make the East German Stazi look tame.


6 posted on 12/12/2009 10:54:54 AM PST by rbg81 (DRAIN THE SWAMP!!)
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To: John Semmens; Hardastarboard; Gaffer

Recently, MIT researchers prophesied weak ocean mitigation of carbon dioxide (CO2), which is claimed to be the major source of global warming. However, atmospheric CO2 represents less than one particle for 10,000, making finding Waldo in a puzzle more likely. Water vapor that CO2 bonds with (think of carbonated water) is 25 times more plentiful in the atmosphere, and 2.5 million times more plentiful in oceans. When a single hurricane uses enough energy to power Japan for a year, how can weather have minimal influence on CO2 reduction, which also has minimal atmospheric presence? Few scientists have any remianing credibility.


7 posted on 12/12/2009 10:56:42 AM PST by Retain Mike
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To: John Semmens

You’d think the Republicans would be raising hell about this, but I won’t hold my breath. :)


8 posted on 12/12/2009 10:57:07 AM PST by theDentist (fybo; qwerty ergo typo : i type, therefore i misspelll)
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To: John Semmens

“Carbon dioxide is the most dangerous pollutant because there are so many sources of emission.”

Humans.


9 posted on 12/12/2009 11:00:46 AM PST by silverleaf (More folks being invited to the White House for Holiday parties than are being sent to Afghanistan)
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To: Hardastarboard

this is satire, right?


10 posted on 12/12/2009 11:01:11 AM PST by silverleaf (More folks being invited to the White House for Holiday parties than are being sent to Afghanistan)
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To: John Semmens

I know this suppose to be a satire but there are serious proposals directly analgous to what you have written. Someone in power in the UK propoed a CO2 “debit card” that would be swipped everytime you purchased petro or did some other activity that emitted CO2. If you ran out of CO2 credits you would be automatically forced to buy more.


11 posted on 12/12/2009 11:03:54 AM PST by C19fan
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To: John Semmens

Will this plan include green Block Captains?


12 posted on 12/12/2009 11:10:59 AM PST by Tolerance Sucks Rocks (Don't eat your dog; eat obnoxious, liberal humans to save the planet!)
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To: John Semmens

Funny, but I can easily see them doing it!!


13 posted on 12/12/2009 11:11:28 AM PST by swatbuznik
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To: John Semmens
Yep, satire that time may turn into historical fact.

School kids! Did dad boff mom more than once last week? Win a free basketball if dad's IRS exertion log fails to match his activities.

.

..........Be aware use of basketball may violate your daily CO2 cap, which is punishable by law.

14 posted on 12/12/2009 11:12:23 AM PST by Navy Patriot (Sarah and the Conservatives will rock your world.)
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To: theDentist
I won’t hold my breath. :)

Funny! I don't have to: COPD has my lung capacity down to 60% of normal, thus my exhalations contain 40% less CO2 than average for my age/size. I should get some sort of EPA credit for that.

15 posted on 12/12/2009 11:22:12 AM PST by Bernard Marx ("Civilizations die by suicide, not from murder" Toynbee)
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To: John Semmens

We should make it a crime to open any carbonated beverage and release all of that CO2. We also need to declare war on yeast and try and exterminate them since they produce CO2, bring back prohibition and save the planet.


16 posted on 12/12/2009 11:23:30 AM PST by Libertarianize the GOP (Make all taxes truly voluntary)
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To: John Semmens
Those who try to cheat by underreporting their emissions will be subject to audits,” Jackson reminded. “There will also be neighborhood spot checks, as well as a system to reward those who turn in cheating neighbors. Not incidentally, the surveillance system will open up job opportunities and help fight the recession.”

Yesterday I was reading the federal jobs website and there are a bunch of new positions advertised, doing an "energy use census" nationwide in the Spring.

This may not be satire after all.

17 posted on 12/12/2009 11:27:49 AM PST by Red Boots
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To: John Semmens
They will need to change their name from EPA to EGA.

Environmental Gestapo Agency.

The arrogance and thuggery of this administration is really amazing, isn't it?

18 posted on 12/12/2009 11:47:12 AM PST by smokingfrog (I'm from TEXAS -- what country are YOU from?)
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To: Libertarianize the GOP
Global warming caused by Coca Cola.
You may have something there....


19 posted on 12/12/2009 11:56:18 AM PST by smokingfrog (I'm from TEXAS -- what country are YOU from?)
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To: John Semmens
Tyrants.

Enjoy your chains, America.

20 posted on 12/12/2009 12:15:52 PM PST by skeeter
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To: John Semmens
The types of information required on the form will include number of persons in the household and their weights, number and type of motor vehicles owned, miles driven, and frequency of miscellaneous use of combustibles like gasoline-powered lawn mowers and backyard grills.

I know this is satire, but would the EPA even think about axeing people like algore, zero, juan francis sKerry about their trips abroad if this were to happen? I doubt it.

21 posted on 12/12/2009 12:22:28 PM PST by Arrowhead1952 (I am tired of being PC. It's time for torches, pitchforks, tar, feathers and GUNS.)
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To: theDentist

They pretend to know the reason. It has already been written.


22 posted on 12/12/2009 12:23:33 PM PST by eyedigress
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To: Gaffer

Beans, Beans,

The Musical Fruit,

The more eat, the more you toot,

The more you toot, the better you feel,

So eat beans with every meal.


23 posted on 12/12/2009 1:10:15 PM PST by Vendome (Don't take life so seriously... You'll never live through it.)
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To: silverleaf

Nope. /s


24 posted on 12/12/2009 1:10:46 PM PST by Vendome (Don't take life so seriously... You'll never live through it.)
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To: Hardastarboard; All

Check this out with a link explaining what the CO2 fuss is all about and exposing the contrived “hockey stick” formulation used to get this far.
http://www.theusmat.com/


25 posted on 12/12/2009 1:55:34 PM PST by mosesdapoet ( What did Obama's UK's first trip and his curious entourage of 500 cost US ?)
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To: John Semmens

This time you have made me chuckle for a long and “shaking” time.

I wonder how far toward this description we will really be subjected? Now I am not chuckling!


26 posted on 12/12/2009 2:33:59 PM PST by 3D-JOY
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To: John Semmens
EPA administrator Lisa Jackson

"Mrs. Jackson, I hyperventilate in your general direction."

27 posted on 12/12/2009 3:23:08 PM PST by budwiesest (It's that girl from Alaska, again.)
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To: Bernard Marx
I should get some sort of EPA credit for that.

Yeah, rep-air-rations.;^)

28 posted on 12/12/2009 3:26:20 PM PST by budwiesest (It's that girl from Alaska, again.)
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To: budwiesest

Good one.


29 posted on 12/12/2009 3:37:42 PM PST by Bernard Marx ("Civilizations die by suicide, not from murder" Toynbee)
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To: John Semmens

:) Good stuff, John. Thanks for satirizing these criminals.


30 posted on 12/12/2009 7:44:17 PM PST by PGalt
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To: John Semmens

Tax my CO2, I’ll give you the methane for free.


31 posted on 12/12/2009 10:10:41 PM PST by IYAS9YAS (The townhalls were going great until the oPods showed up.)
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To: John Semmens

Haha! I’m getting better... it only takes me 3 paragraphs before I figure out its from you! Great work as always!


32 posted on 12/13/2009 1:20:45 AM PST by monkeyshine
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To: John Semmens

Too damn close to what they’re probably thinking John. Have you ever considered that maybe some of these nuts are reading your posts to get ideas? I’m only half kidding.


33 posted on 12/13/2009 9:21:01 AM PST by driftless2 (for long term happiness, learn how to play the accordion)
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To: John Semmens

Eliminate CO2. Then eradicate all green plant life.

Then take a deep breath.

These people are beyond insane with this sick enviro-religion.


34 posted on 12/13/2009 6:50:06 PM PST by EagleUSA
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To: John Semmens
Some got it, others got fooled. Such is the stuff of great writing like your humor John. LOL

Particulalrly enjoyed the last couple paragraphs:

"Reports of heavy violence in Mexico should not deter tourists, said U.S. Consul Michael Barkin. 'Really, Mexico is no worse than the south side of Chicago,' Barkin assured the McAllen (Texas) Chamber of Commerce. 'Your odds of coming through without being robbed, kidnapped or murdered are relatively good. There’s probably less than 10% chance you will be a victim.'...The Consul advised that 'if you are one of the unfortunate minority who is victimized and are still alive afterwards, please contact the Consulate so we can fill out the proper ‘after-incident’ reports.'"

LOL
Can't tell you how many times I've engaged moon-bats during the Iraq war and insisted one was safer in Baghdad than Chicago, LA, New York City or Philly. LOL!

35 posted on 12/14/2009 7:10:33 AM PST by Landru (Forget the pebble Grasshopper, just leave.)
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To: John Semmens

Good grief. I fell for it again. With BO, satire is hardly necessary.


36 posted on 12/14/2009 8:16:23 AM PST by Arthur Wildfire! March (Ayers unimportant? What about Robert KKK Byrd or FALN pardons? DNC -- the terrorism party.)
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To: John Semmens

On the other hand, is that blog satire or prophesy? I hope they keep a list of how often their satires become reality.


37 posted on 12/14/2009 8:17:54 AM PST by Arthur Wildfire! March (Ayers unimportant? What about Robert KKK Byrd or FALN pardons? DNC -- the terrorism party.)
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To: John Semmens

Don’t worry. For years I have been exhaling into non-biodegrdable baloons and then burying them in my backyard. In this manner I have stored thousands of tons of carbon dioxide that otherwise would have gone into the atmosphere and any Freeper who would like to buy some of these carbon dioxide offsets from me may do so at a significant discount!

Except for you John Semmens! Sorry dude your posts make me laugh so hard that I break at least one baloon every time I read one of your stories and as such I can’t possibly offer you the lower rate.


38 posted on 12/14/2009 6:16:03 PM PST by TheVitaminPress (as goes the Second Amendment . . . so goes the Constitution.)
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To: John Semmens

I’ve been out of touch with FR for a week.

My sister’s long twilight ended last Wednesday and I had to go out of state to tuck her in for that last night.

Thanks for cheering me up.

Ken


39 posted on 12/16/2009 11:11:26 AM PST by Old Professer (The critic writes with rapier pen, dips it twice, then writes again.)
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