Now you can have your Blake, and "Heater" too.
Posted on 03/27/2010 9:16:58 PM PDT by smokingfrog
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate every little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
pretty good
The Stones sing "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"
The shepherd yells "Hey, MacCloud, get off of my ewe!"
There was a pelican who could flip shot glasses full of whiskey with his beak for a free drink. One night he walks into a new bar. He asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey and the bartender says “Oh Yeah? How you gonna pay for it?” The pelican said, “Just put it on my bill.”
ping!
A modern nun catches a traditional nun in a bar. The modern one asked the other nun, “Why do you come in here and drink? The other sister said, “I just can`t get rid of the habit.”
A priest at a catholic school catches a young student jabbing silverware into a map of Saudi Arabia. The student says, “I hate Moslems!” The priest said, My son, don`t you know that fork in nation is a sin?”
A mechanic once owned a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic’s lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn’t find it for the life of him so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed... “A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!”
Happy Chinese frogs in the Huang He River croak this song nightly:”We all live in yellow mud serene.”
The first British pope involved in a sex scandal was Ponty Mythong.
A 440 dasher was reprimanded by the coach for racing with his lucky bird on his shoulder. “You can`t have your heats and cockatoo.”
A country cardiologist always performed surgery early Sunday morning before playing golf. He was always putting the heart before the course.
You are the pun master.
I surrender.
Actually it takes only two, provided that they’re very tiny liberals.
The Blond says, meet me at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
It isn't a pun and to be honest, I'm not really sure it's a joke, but what the heck.
A Democrat washes his clothes at a laundrymat. He puts in a dollar bill to get some quarters but the machine dispenses only slugs to be used in the washing machines. He becomes very angry, kicking it and exclaiming, “I need some change I can believe in!”
Two blonds walk into a bar....You’d think one of them would of seen it?
Now you can have your Blake, and "Heater" too.
2 blondes and a priest walk into a bar. All three order beers.
The barkeep said, “Father, How come you have only two blondes with you tonight? You usually have three.”
The priest replied, ‘It`s Lent and I`m fasting.”
Have you heard the one about the dyslectic who walked into a bra...?
Saint Peter greets him. The man asks, where am I? Saint Peter says, you died and you're in Heaven. The guy can't believe it, so he asks Saint Peter what's the deal? Saint Peter responds, there isn't a deal, all you have to do is spell a word and I'll let you through the Gate.
The man gets upset and says, I'm not a very good Speller. Saint Peter says no problem, all you have to spell the word Love. The guy responds L-O-V-E, greatly relieved.
Just then a phone rings next to the Gate. Saint Peter answers it, has a brief conversation and comes back to where the man is standing. He tells the man he has go run up to God's House and asks him to watch things while he's gone.
The man is very perplexed and asks Saint Peter what he is supposed to do if someone comes along. Saint Peter says, just do the same thing I did with you.
Saint Peter goes through the Gate and the man stands there enjoying the experience, the floating clouds, the Harp Music and the feeling of Goodness and Joy.
Just then he spots a figure walking toward him. As the figure gets closer, he notices that it is a woman. Closer yet, he sees that it's his Wife.
As she walks up, the man asks “what are you doing here”? The wife, confused at the question, tells him the last thing she remembers is driving home from his Funeral Service and hearing the squeal of tires and the sound of crashing metal. The man tells her, you must have been killed in an car accident.
His Wife cannot believe what's happened, so she asks her Husband where she is. He says, you are at Heavens Gate.
So the Wife asks her Husband what's the deal? He responds, well, in order to get into Heaven you have the spell a word.
The Wife says, what word? The man responds “Checkoslovakia”.
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