Posted on 04/14/2005 3:58:04 PM PDT by genefromjersey
Dear Ms Mystery Writer,
I'm not going to mention the title of your book,because I stopped reading it about halfway through.(Fortunately, I had only borrowed it from the library .)
Okay:You started out fairly well. I was able to wade through the relationship between the heroine (Is it still all right to use that word ?) and her demandingly pregnant sister (Pregzilla),because,after a while,our heroine (Dr.Smuglisexi) was called to the scene of a probable suicide.
Once on the scene,she made some VERY sharp observations: correctly identifying the victim's condition as the result of a fall,instead of the apparent sexual assault the silly cops were fixating on.(Isn't that just like a man ? Tsk !)
Some other stuff then happened. "Pregzilla",who had insisted on her feminist right to accompany Dr. Smuglisexi to the scene of the crime,wandered off into the bushes to relieve the insistent pressure on her bladder .(Ah,the trials of Sisterhood !).
While so engaged,or-one hopes-shortly thereafter,she was accosted by a mysterious villain and stabbed - right in her very pronounced abdomen .
Sad to say,although Pregzilla survived,she lost the baby,and I learned a great deal about how everybody felt about that:Dr. Smuglisexi,their parents,the good doctor's not-quite-ex-husband (who is Police Chief),and - oh yes: even the local undertaker's feelings and complex relationships were explored.
Still, I plowed on.It was a bad night on TV, and I figured,what the hell: in for a penny,in for a pound. It was a mistake.
While folks were sorting out their complex relationships,and sharing their feelings,you Ms Writer,felt it was a good time to tell us about the security guard on campus,who used to be a cop,but had her (promising) career in law enforcement interrupted when somebody killed her lesbian twin sister, drugged her,nailed her to the floor,and raped her.
"Dang !", I thought. "There MUST be some reason why you-the Author- are telling us all this." But there wasn't.
The story then shifted to Chief Clueless (You remember him ? Dr.Smuglisexi's former husband ?) He still carries the torch for the good doctor: stops by her house,feeds her dogs and cat,and picks her dirty clothes up off the floor. While he is so engaged,there is yet ANOTHER death !
Chief Clueless races to the college campus,where he discovers the body of a young woman,who has apparently killed herself with a shotgun.(It's a pump-action 12 ga. Remington Wingmaster,by the way.) The young woman has apparently blown her head off with the thing- (The Author furnishes suitably gruesome details.Would you believe an eyeball stuck to the wall?)
"Hmmm...!", muses Chief Clueless. "There is an expended 20 ga. shell on the floor near the body." He then starts wondering why a suicide victim would have done something so UNSAFE as to use 20 ga. ammo in a 12 ga. shotgun (!)
He does not,of course,seem to realize one cannot fire 20 ga. shells in a 12 bore shotgun. (One CAN push a 20 ga. shell up past the chamber,so it lodges in the barrel-thus creating a handheld bomb.)
He does not even wonder how someone whose head has been blown off can manually eject a fired shell from the gun-( a pump-action , as you may recall.)
I got the impression he was too busy getting in touch with his inner feelings to make much progress on this case,so I decided to get in touch with mine.
I put the book down, Ms Writer,and went into the other room to watch commercials on TV.
It was MUCH more rewarding ...and there weren't any eyeballs stuck to the wall.
I thought book reports were due on Friday??
Has the Friday madness thread started early?
I hope you aren't actually turning this in as homework or something.
I don't think I've read this.
I wrote this same report when I was in 2nd grade. You plagiarized it.
LOL, this is great! Definately the best vanity thread I ever read. Dr. Smuglisexi, too funny, you must stop all other work and start a long series of paperback detective novels starring your new character.
Who is it, who is it really? I'm thinking it's either Patricia Cornwall or oh, I can't think, that Brit one, she's always inflicting needless pain on her characters. She once gave a little boy lukemia for NO GOOD REASON. I asked my friend, who'd also read the book "did it make any sense when that kid got lukemia, did I miss something?" and she said "no, she does stuff like that to her characters all the time" Well, he didn't even die in the book, nor recover, so it was very stupid, just annoying.
Oh my, thank you SO much for that laugh!
OK, who's the hack?
I'll never squeal. She's a best-selling writer of Wymyn's Mysteries.
Chances are I won't come across it. :o)
I've read that book. I save them and every winter they save me load or two from the woodpile.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.