Calling freeper parents- Give advice on speech to HS daughter's prom date

5/13/06 | dukeman

[ShutUpandSing]

No speeches, just a statement:

"Nice car, son. You do realize you are carrying the love of my life in it. Be responsible or God help you."

[DTogo]

Talk to his parents too, face-to-face, and remind them that if they want grandkids, their son had better be a gentleman with your daughter. If they take offense, call off the date as they obviously don't respect your concern for your daughter - and neither will their son.

[edpc]

Don't sweat the "in love with his car" routine. Most young men are. I was, even though it was a POS. It represented freedom and the ability to go where you wanted.....but I digress...

Go with your gut on what to tell him, but before you deliver the speech, get a makeover to appear like this:

[dukeman]

Funny, we've invited the young man's parents over to our house to take photos of their son and my daughter before they leave for the prom. Then his folks will stick around and have dinner with us. I'm told the young man is nervous about this because he thinks his folks will tell embarrassing stories about him.

I think I'll take a front and profile photo of him and photocopy his driver's license. :-)

[Darkwolf377]

Start your nice informal smalltalk with "Say, did you know I can read minds? I'm reading yours now." Then just grin.

He will not believe you can read minds, but he will think you're such a psycho it's not worth risking his life over crossing you.

[jimbo123]

Tell him that you expect him to behave like a gentleman and to have your daughter back home by midnight. And then quietly tell him that you have a shotgun, a shovel and a big bag of powdered lime and that his remains will never be found should he disrespect your daughter.

[Recovering Hermit]

Just say this:

"Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel, I doubt anybody would miss you."

[not2worry]

Also remind him to consider what life would be like in prison every time he get's a thought in his head about anything more than dancing with your daughter.

You would not think twice about bringing charges against him for kidnapping, rape or driving while drunk if anything happens to your little girl.

You'll make him wish he was a member of the LaCross Team.

[Porterville]

If you have to give a speach you already lost.

[Coldwater Creek]

It's too late. You should have insisted on an interview before allowing your daughter to accept the date.

Our son has four daughter's. I think that he is getting the message that we tried to impart with him when he was dating.

One rule that we had was no being alone in our home. My DIL didn't like that very much. The other night when we were at their home and I mentioned that I would like to tell one of the girls good bye, but that she and her boyfriend were in the upstairs sitting room, her mother flew up those stairs so fast I thought a tornado as blowing in.

[WayneM]

Others have been this way before. My oldest daughter is now 14, so my time will come soon enough. I ran across this years ago, and am saving it for the occasion...
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

---

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you had better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you can't keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers that fit so loosely they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[TRY ONE]

"What's a 'cheer leader Mom?'"

That would be a 210 lb. woman who fantasizes that she (herself) is a cheer leader!

[MissAmericanPie]

Just use a little flint sharpener on that blade, the kind that throws foot long sparks, and just happen to ask in passing conversation, "Do you love your family"?

It will make an even greater impression if your wife is within eye-shot and is talented at juggling kitchen knives. If she can do this while yodeling the impression will stay with the young man for his lifetime.

[Coldwater Creek]

Our poor postman lost his wife a couple of years ago, and is raising six girls on his own.

[durasell]

What's a 'cheer leader Mom?'"

That would be a 210 lb. woman who fantasizes that she (herself) is a cheer leader!



yikes!

[LS]

As others suggested, tell him you have a shotgun, a shovel, and 30 acres in the backwoods, in case he gets any ideas.

[dukeman]

I like the polygraph idea!

[Tijeras_Slim]

I think I'll take a front and profile photo of him and photocopy his driver's license. :-)

Have a syringe and get a DNA sample as well.

[HEY4QDEMS]

My speech was directed toward my daughter and it was given in small pieces and parts throughout her life.

She went to her prom armed with two things.
1. Common sense
2. Self respect

Behold the virtues of planning ahead.

[HereInTheHeartland]

Try this:

---

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION
TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

Courtesy of The Freeman Institute

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, history, lineage, recent FBI background check, psychiatric evaluation, and updated medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME:_________________________________DATE OF BIRTH:_____________________
2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT:____________ I.Q.__________ GPA____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY#_________________________________________________________
DRIVERS LICENSE#_________________________________________________________
BOY SCOUT RANK:__________________________________________________________
4. HOME ADDRESS:____________________________________________________________
CITY/STATE_________________________________________ ZIP_________________
5. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _______ yes? _______ no?
6. Number of years parents married:_________________________________________
7. Do you own a van? _________ A truck with oversized tires? __________
A waterbed? _________ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly ring?_______________ Tatoo?_______________
(IF YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES)
8. In 50 words or less, what does DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEAN TO YOU? _________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
10. .In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
11. . Congregation you attend:_______________________________________________
How often do you attend?_________________________________________________

When would it the best time to interview your father, mother, relatives, neighbors, minister/rabbi/priest, and past girlfriends?
(supply phone numbers)___________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
12. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________

ANSWER THESE SEMI-CONFIDENTIAL QUESTIONS
BY FILLING IN THE BLANKS.

1.
2. "If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is _________________________________________________________________________ "If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ______________ _________________________________________________________________________
3. "A woman’s place is in the ______________________________________________
4. "The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _________ _________________________________________________________________________
5. "When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her is ______________ _________________________________________________________________________

(NOTE: If the answer to #E begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and it is advised that you leave the premises right now keeping your head low and running
in a serpentine fashion.)



I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE, UNDER THE PENALTY OF A SLOW DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, SOLDIER ANT TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS DRIPPING WATER TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, AND THE JANET RENO KISS TORTURE.



____________________________________________
SIGNATURE (That means your name, moron!)

Thank you for your interest in my daughter. Please allow four to six years for processing. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, anyway). Any attempt to make contact might cause you injury. If your application is rejected, two gentlemen with violin cases and cement shoes will notify you – one size fits all.