Ninja alert!
Posted on 07/22/2006 6:49:39 AM PDT by 5Madman2
Elizabeth Petersen
03-20-2001, 09:50 PM
This story is true. Names and places has been changed to protect the truly asinine.
So no *****…there I was…
Friday night in the city. I met a friend of mine for dinner. We’ll call him Jack. Jack is an undercover Narcotics detective for a large metropolitan police department.
Jack and I always met after our respective shifts for a late meal at a little 24-hour restaurant downtown. The food was lousy, but the night cook made a decent cup of coffee, and the waitresses were nice.
We had both changed into jeans and T-shirts. We were both armed, as usual, he with his duty weapon, me with a sweet little .380 that was virtually unnoticeable.
Dinner was wolfed down. Neither one of us had eaten all day – there had been no time for that. I’d spent my shift running from one medical call to another. My partner’s driving habits made it impossible to eat on the go – there is no such thing as a smooth riding ambulance, no matter what the brass says. Jack’s day had gone about the same.
We paid the bill and sauntered out into the parking lot for a smoke. Jack’s car, a nondescript looking white 4-door sedan was backed up against a high cement wall at the rear of the lot, behind the restaurant. We talked for a long time, mostly about work and our pathetic love lives. The temperature dropped, and we climbed into Jack’s car to continue our *****-a-thon. Half an hour later, the world got a WHOLE lot stranger.
It all started with a jet-black SUV that came flying around the corner, as if the driver’s ass was fire and his hair was catchin’. The vehicle came bouncing into the parking lot and skidded to a stop nose to nose with Jack’s car. The high beams were on. Jack and I were momentarily blinded. I caught the “What in the HELL is all this?” look from Jack as the SUV’s driver side door swung open. Silhouetted by the headlights, we saw the shape of a man, dressed head-to-toe in black combat fatigues. His buzz cut head was covered with a black baseball cap. I could see Jack’s right hand move slowly to the gun holstered at his side. He gave me a “Be Ready” signal.
The ersatz storm trooper approached Jack’s car slowly, his movements a parody of every classic late night B grade kung fu flick. He was holding an obscenely large flashlight in one hand, and what appeared to be an ASP in the other. The dude was sporting an impressive duty rig. The thing had more gadgets and gizmos on it than Batman’s utility belt. The crown jewel was the HUMONGUS Desert Eagle .50 cal tucked into a three-way holster. I wasn’t too worried. By the time this Strange Ranger managed to get that monstrosity out of the holster, Jack would have already aerated him.
I was amazed Wonder Boy was even able to stand up; more amazed that the belt stayed on his thin hips. I was thinking it must take a dozen or more snap-type belt keepers to hold that thing in place.
“Don’t move and keep your hands where I can see them,” we heard Wonder Boy say through the open window. He had his flashlight right in Jack’s face.
Jack and I noticed the badge at the same time. It was clipped to Wonder Boy’s belt. It said “ARMED SECURITY OFFICER”.
I think Jack experienced a total neuro-synaptic meltdown at that moment. He started to laugh. He laughed like a complete lunatic. I started to get a little worried. Expressions of amusement for Jack normally consisted of a surprised grunt or a smile, at best. Hearing him laugh like that made me think that maybe ol’ Jacko had finally tripped the light fantastic.
Wonder Boy seemed unfazed. “We got a call back at Control about a suspicious vehicle.”
That made Jack laugh even harder. I think it was the way the guy stressed the word “Control”. Wonder Boy looked hurt. I could only sit and stare in bemused wonderment. Was this guy for REAL?
Jack, being the good-natured fellow that he is, chose not to deflate the wanna-be vigilante’s Big Moment. Not yet at least. So he decided to play along a little.
“So…uh…what’s the problem, officer?” Jack asked, forcing a wide-eyed “I didn’t do nothin’ wrong” look. I fought to keep a straight face and not ruin Jack’s fun.
“We got a call from an employee here about a suspicious car in the parking lot. Said it had been here for a while. Two unknown occupants. Might even be armed.”
“Oh really? WOW…might even be armed huh?” Jack was savoring his role.
“Yeah.” Wonder Boy looked confused.
“And what if they ARE armed?”
Wonder Boy paled. “Let me see some ID.”
“No.”
“Uh…No?”
“No.”
“Uh…why not?”
“Oh, fine. Here.” Jack dug in his back pocket. Wonder Boy looked like he was about to drop a serious load. Jack smiled as he handed him his black leather bi-fold wallet. Wonder Boy took it and opened it. He looked at it for a very long time. Then he looked at Jack. Then back at the wallet. Then at me. I smiled and waved. I knew the sight of that gold shield and police ID card had just sent Wonder Boy’s blood pressure skyrocketing into the stratosphere. I almost felt sorry for him as he mumbled an apology. Almost, but not quite.
Jack checked the guy’s employment credentials: Wonder Boy worked for a company that had been hired by the restaurant owner to patrol the lot and discourage loitering. He then gave him a stern lecture about the illegality of his actions, from the illegal detention (he blocked our car with his own) to the stupidity of approaching a vehicle with “possibly armed occupants.” Wonder Boy looked positively destroyed. Jack promised not to report him to his supervisors on the condition that he brush up on local law regarding what he could and could not do. Wonder Boy thanked him profusely then scurried back to his truck. He drove off in the same manner in which he had approached.
I couldn’t stand it any more. I laughed. I laughed so hard I thought I was gonna piddle myself.
“I believe we just met The Mall Ninja’s older brother,” I said.
Jack gave me that “What in the Hell are you talking about, Red?” Look.
“Let me tell you a story I heard once…”
----------------------------------------- http://www.thefiringline.com/forums...hp/t-61712.html
Elizabeth Petersen
03-21-2001, 10:17 PM
Another Friday night in the city...
I knew who I was looking for. I knew him by sight...smell...sound. (Especially smell.) Big JimR had posted the bounty, and BY GOD I was gonna get my cut.
It was a tough assignment. I had my camera ready in the quick-draw pouch. I had my mirrored sunglasses. I had my Abyss-sized mug of Mountain Dew. I had my "borrowed" ATF-issued jacket with the words "DO NOT SHOOT ME PLEASE" emblazoned in dayglo orange on the front AND back.
I was ready to find my quarry:
WONDER BOY, ARMED SECURITY GUARD...savior of the planet, protector of potted plants, scourge of every two-bit loitering skateboard-riding rap music-listening preteen Terrasphere this side of Mall Of America.
So I sauntered on down to the local Mall. Kept my eyes peeled. I hung out near the food court, knowing that sooner or later HE would show.
I picked a spot with a good view of my surroundings. A table near the Foo Foo Gourmet,my back to the wall and all exits in plain sight. Nearby, wanna be gang-bangers threw handsigns like a bunch of epileptics playing Charades. I knew they would draw HIM out. I knew it would be soon.
He did not disappoint me.
I thought I heard the whistled melody from "The Good The Bad And The Ugly."
There he was. In all his black combat gear glory. My adrenalin surged. My heard pounded a quick staccato beat. Carefully, so as not to startle him, I slowly removed my camera and checked the charge. Everything was a "GO".
Wonder Boy had zeroed in on the bangers. His steady hands wavered above the Jumbo sized can of OC in the holster at his side. He strode confidently towards them, assured of his power and au-thor-i-TAY. I felt weak in the knees, watching him. Would I swoon before getting my shot?
I wiped the sweat from my brow. Licked my dry lips with a sandpaper tongue. My chance was NOW OR NEVER...
Going in. Cover me boys.
"SMILE FOR THE CAMERA!"
Click.
Wonder Boy whirled around like a stoned-out Dervish. His black fingerless-gloved hand came up, shielding his eyes from the brilliant flash of my camera. He squeeled like a weasle caught in the backwash of an 18-wheeler. I saw the OC can come up.
I dove over a pair of Grannies nibbling salads. Screams and shouts followed me as I tucked and rolled, taking cover behind an overturned jewelry cart. Wonder Boy was hot on my tail.
I knew I only had one chance to escape. Boldly, I stood, pointed my finger towards the center court fountains and screamed
"MY GOD! ARE THOSE PEOPLE STEALING CHANGE FROM THE WISHING POND?????"
My ruse worked. Wonder Boy reeled around and hotfooted it to the Theft in Progress.
I made my escape, secure in the knowledge that I had bagged the most dangerous thing on two feet. Or at least a picture of one.
Films in the mail, Big Jim.
Over and out.
http://www.thefiringline.com/forums...hp/t-62246.html
Mike Irwin
03-25-2001, 08:55 PM
Luckily, with the proper therapy, wanna-be Mall Ninjas can be successfully cured with this 12-store program.
It was developed to help people who suffer from this terrible, terrible malady.
While the stores listed here are optimized for the Northern Virginia area, the program will work in other areas of the country by selecting the proper substitutes from the map found at the entrance to most large shopping malls.
Using this program, we've had a success rate bordering on 3%, which is hundreds of times greater than any other program tried to date.
1. Bostonian, to get some shoes OTHER than black combat boots/felt wall climbing shoes.
2. Eddie Bauer, to get some homey flannel to replace the all-black ensemble.
3. The Hair Cuttery, to get some advice on letting the paramilitary buzz-cut grow out.
4. Tower Music, to get new CDs that will replace all the military movie sound tracks.
5. Baskin Robbins (all that walking, and healing, requires a treat!)
6. The Eye Store, to pick up a pair of non-mirrored glasses.
7. (the tough one) NOT visiting The Security Store on the lower level.
8. Today's Man, to pick up some pastel-colored dress shirts and a real, honest-to-goodness tie to replace the clip-on monstrosity.
9. Dinner at Hunan Garden (with back to the door).
10. Borders Books, to pick up a "Barrons Career Guide" to help pick a new career unrelated to being a Mall Ninja.
11. Starbucks, to have a Grande Double Espresso, which you couldn't have before because you were afraid that it would screw up your cat-line reflexes.
12. The Mall Office (ok, not a store) to make amends with the Mall Ninjas.
sounds like the sort thing an armed paramedic driver would make up.
Point and laugh at will
Good point. I wondered about that.
Just for laughs
The scary thing is there are afew out there like this, not just paramedics
Which one is Will?
All of them
Like your tagline-Patti is a real treat isn't she?
Put her, Leticia Van de Putte and Elena Guajardo in a room together and there would form a critical mass of stupid that would cause an explosion of epic proportions
Thats sadly hilarious! Rather an insult to REAL ninjas, though!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pC50_XqMy68&search=ask-a-ninja
The original Mall ninja threads on Glock talk were a scream. There was once a web site for Mall Ninjas, but sadly it seems to be gone
Guess you gotta go to Cop Wannabe School to know what that signal is.
It's the equivalent to the Masonic/Illuminatti/Build-a-burger secret handshake :)
I ran into a private security type who kept a plastic spork (spoon fork combo) in his uniform shirt pocket next to his pen. He explained that it was an effective distraction tool when making contacts with suspicious people. I have to admit that I was distracted but it wasn't because of the spork
We have a local one that the first time I saw him I couldn't beieve my eyes
Had an older full sized 4X4 Suburban that had multiple yellow light bars, and enough antennas that if he ever keyed up all his radios at the same time it would fry small fur bearing animals.
Pulled up to me wearing a Black ball cap with "Security" on it, fully adorned by Captain's bars. Had about a two day old beard. He smiled, showing his tooth (not a typo) and proceeded to fill me in on all the various parking violations in 3 block area. I assured him that I would pass it on to the other officers in the area that handled parking enforcement. He drove off.
I was relatively new to the agency and thought that I may have seen a ghost story or legend, that it couldn't be real. I spoke of it to no one, for fear of ridicule or being accused of drinking on the job. I never said a thing about it until I saw him again when I was riding with a witness.
He was well known throughout the area, by all the agencies. Harmless, sometimes a source of valid info, but an odd duck to say the least
you gotta be on your toes at a ninja funeral
OTH we had a local nut who did his own security work in an auctioned PD cruiser for a few years. I couldn't believe he was finding work but he did. He was known to eat his meals at homeless shelters. Anyway after a few years he got himself arrested for doing traffic stops on unsuspecting females who he either fondled or wanted to "make deals" with to avoid trouble
I yoiu sure you're not confusing this with the State Trooper who was giving out free pap smears with his DUI stops?
Nah, must be a different guy. This clown was causing trouble clear up to Redmond. I do recall a trooper who was a partner managing an escort service
There was a guy (cop) in Rochester NY that would "search" females during traffic stops. After his conviction and dismissal, he sued the city for "insufficient training and supervision."
Seems he was never taught that copping a feel was illegal :)
It was tossed
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.