Crips attack bloodmobile

Los Angeles, Calif. – Two members of the Los Angeles-based street gang The Crips remain in custody Wednesday following their alleged attack on a Santa Marta Hospital bloodmobile, one of six modified RVs being used by the East Los Angeles hospital as mobile blood-donation centers.

The mangled body of the bloodmobile was discovered by would-be blood and plasma donors Tuesday evening at the corner of 134th Street and Martin Luther King Blvd. – deep in the heart of well-known Crips-controlled territory – after having suffered a massive loss of motor oil due to numerous bullet and knife wounds. Pronounced "pretty much shot" on the scene by mechanics, the vehicle was immediately towed to an undisclosed body shop where it awaits repairs in a condition described by authorities as stable but not drivable.

According to Los Angeles Chief of Police William J. Bratton, the attack represents yet another episode of violence caused by the long-standing feud between the rival Crips and Bloods gangs.

"Slash wounds have long been a known trademark of Crips attacks, and the bloodmobile was found with both its front tires slit," said LAPD Chief William J. Bratton, explaining some of the evidence linking the two Crips members in custody to the crime. "Anything Blood-affiliated intruding on Crips territory is obviously a target – even a harmless bloodmobile simply commuting between blood drives. The attack is a message from the Crips to all Bloods and bloodmobiles: steer clear of Crips territory."

Chief Bratton expounded on details of the attack and Los Angeles gang violence in general during a press conference Wednesday morning.

"Each gang dons different colors to signal their gang affiliation – blue is worn by Crips and red by Bloods," said Bratton. "True, the bloodmobile is mostly white, but all of the RV's signage was red. If you're going to be driving through Crips country, that's like painting a big target on the side of your car saying: shoot me, I'm with a Blood organization."

According to Officer Neil Avery, a policeman on the scene, the bloodmobile was also found to be engaged in illegal behavior at the time of the attack.

"When we searched the bloodmobile, we found [a] crack in the engine block," said Avery. "Crack, of course, is rampant among Los Angeles gang members. This helped us further identify the vehicle as being Blood-affiliated [sic]."

Here is one I wrote, GB:

THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE

A few weeks ago, I got nostalgic for the Army, so I downloaded some bugle calls from the Internet. Retreat, Reveille, Charge, Call to Quarters were among my downloads. I programmed my computer to play these during certain times of the day. I was greeted in the morning with Reveille. You would recognize it. It sounds like “I CAN’T GET UM UP, I CAN’ GET UM UP, I CAN’T GET UM UP IN THE MORNNNNING”.

Then I started using the computer as an alarm clock (in effect turning my $1000 computer into a $4.95 alarm clock). Every morning, the computer woke up at 5 am and after warming up and loading all of its programs, it would turn up the volume and play Reveille waking both the dog and me.

Very pleased with my experiment, I connected my computer to my high fidelity home entertainment setup, and the quality of the bugle calls improved significantly, along with the quantity of the volume. Now it really sounded like the bugle calls in Fort Monmouth New Jersey at 5 am in 1962.

I decided I had to share the military experience with my neighbors. And, of course, Reveille MUST be played at 5 AM. Got out some wire and extended the speakers of the entertainment center to 3 different windows of my house. Some duct tape sealed the windows from the wind but left the speakers sticking out the window. I couldn’t test the volume because that would give away the surprise I had for my neighbors the next morning so I just guessed at about 3/4’s of the full scale.

The day of awakening, I used the regular $4.95 alarm clock to wake the dog and I at 4:45 am. Perked my coffee, poured myself a cup, and waited for the big moment. At 4:58, the computer came on, loaded up the programs and at exactly 5AM, “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” began for my neighbors. Ahh, the pure joy of reveille.

Only one problem, the volume rivaled the civilian defense air raid sirens, and apparently Reveille broke the sleep of 5,000 residents over a 5 square mile radius. I saw lights come on all over my neighborhood, but since the bugle call was only 30 seconds long, they couldn’t locate the source. I was tempted to play it a few more times, but I didn’t.

I gave my neighbors “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” for 4 straight mornings. I talked to the Bishop across the street and apparently “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” was not to his liking. He vowed to get the people that were playing bugles at 5 AM, so I realized that I had to get sneakier. I skipped 2 mornings (Saturday and Sunday), then gave them “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” again.

On Monday, the Bishop told me he was going to call the police. He suspected the “new people” down the street. They had teenagers and must be the guilty family. I decided to push it. I got out the police scanner, and fired it up. Tuesday, “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” went off without a hitch. Wednesday, the police scanner was full of talk. The Barney Fife SWAT team was deployed around the town, waiting for the perps giving “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE”. I decided to wait, desecration being the better part of valor. At about 5:30, Barney Fife (the chief) came over the police radio, canceling the stake out. I gave them 5 minutes to go get donuts, turned the volume to full, then “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” happened again. Unfortunately, I cracked three windows in my house, and the dog went deaf.

I have decided to give my neighbors an Honorable Discharge, and let them sleep in, retiring the reveille tape.

Does anybody know where I can get the sound of a fog horn in the middle of the Atlantic?

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