Skip to comments.The 10 Most Devastating Insults [Actually Comebacks] of All Time
Posted on 12/01/2008 11:32:48 PM PST by Slings and Arrows
The French call it lesprit descalier, or staircase ghost.
To the rest of us, it is known simply as the comeback, that divine and tender coincidence of all the universes comedic forces at the perfect moment. A truly good comeback can instantly turn tables, elevate the terminally zinged to the status of champion, and reduce the zinger to a stuttering fool.
Sadly, many of us will go our entire lives without scoring a decent comeback, doomed to pause awkwardly and mutter some pathetic variation of your face for the rest of our miserable lives. For us, it must be enough simply to marvel at the comebacks of the better equipped, and possibly memorize them for later personal use.
(Excerpt) Read more at cracked.com ...
Winner and still champion:
“There you go again...”
This is completely stupid. The expression is "the spirit of the staircase", in the sense of inspiration. It means retorts or witticisms thought of after the fact, too late, when retiring.
Note the article source.
By the way, that’s a nice haircut you gave yourself.
Yeah, well the jerk store called and they’re out of YOU.
I don’t get it.
I don’t know. Seems like the original, quick-witted comebacks are the best. I think the “Cracked” guys were smoking some crack - and/or 14 year-old boys.
Val Kilmer: Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?
Robert Downey Jr.: A picture of me?
Kilmer: No! The definition of the word idiot, which is what you are!
Thank you for taking your head out of your *** long enough to notice.
You could tell the author, but that would be cruelty to the retarded.
Some good ones there! Then there are some that I would not have included on a top ten list......
For instance, the Keith Moon one is not particularly funny, I don’t find — it’s of interest b/c of how spectacularly wrong Moon was about the prospects for such a band and that Moon himself provided the name for the band (if that’s what he actually said in a drug-induce haze). But I don’t find it to be a great, hilarious “zinger”..... maybe that’s just me.
btw, the opening bit about “L’esprit d’escalier” misunderstands the point of that expression, since it has to do with what someone DIDN’T say as a comeback, but only thought of too late, on the stairway, while departing the premises. Thus, it is not the expression to use in referring to these ten comeback zingers which all were (allegedly) uttered at the time, not thought of after the fact.
What’s the difference? You’re their biggest seller!
I'm inclined to agree. Maybe we don't take enough drugs to appreciate it.
Elegant. I like it.
Anyone remember “The Ultimate Flame” thread? I had it bookmarked but it’s been gone for years I guess.
Lady Astor: “If I were married to you, I’d put poison in your coffee.”
Churchill’s Reply: “If I were married to you, I’d drink it.”
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
One of the best:
I liked your new book, Who wrote it for you?
Yes, it is good, Who read it to you?
Oh yeah. Your face!
Cracked.com would approve.
The Greatest Flame?
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. Dont you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas. Ill bet you couldnt pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that wont go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.
You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you. You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid chromosomally aberrent caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum, and I wish you would go away.
Youre a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselfs in recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?
If you arent an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you ckoke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. Youre a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep wont have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.
On a good day youre a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. Im sorry. I cant go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I dont have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didnt really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us normal people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are challenged persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldnt have been right. Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.
You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.
Well,Cracked had it’s moments!I read both Mad and Cracked back in the day.
Oh my goodness....I remember reading that a few years ago and laughing my head off. Thanks for posting it.
When quantum mechanics first introduced the idea of probability wave functions, a lot of physicists were like what?" While not a come-back, that strikes me as extremely funny.
bump for later
One of my favorites:Is your breath bad or are you standing on your head?
Churchill...to woman: "Madame,if you were my wife,I'd let you".
During the 1930's when Churchill's influence was on the wane, one junior member of Parliament from the opposite party took after Churchill in the house one day. Calling Churchill every name in the book, the MP crossed the unwritten boundary of what may be said on the floor and what may not. Churchill sat there in silence, but the MP's own leadership were agast at the manner in which the member insulted him. After the session, his leaders called him in and pointed out that his actions went beyond the bounds and ordered him to apologize. Humbled, the MP went to Churchill's house at Chartwell to offer his apology in person. Informing the butler of his purpose, the servant went off to find Churchill and found him in the restroom. When informed of who the caller was and what was his purpose, Churchill replied, "Tell him that I'm sorry but I'm in the privy and can only take one shit at a time."
Sorry for the language, but it would have lost it's impact if I censored it.
Sorry if this might be a little too graphic for some. But, my all time favorite is “The best part of you rolled down your Mothers’ leg.”
My current favorite from this decade would be “Don’t get stuck on stupid”.
Had a hard time reading that page.
All I could see was that blonde in the leopard thong.
I feel your pain.
LOL. Good reminder. That worked out real well for Costanza, didn’t it?
Date, who happens to be wit Oscar Levant, says "I wish you were."
French Diplomat: "No."
Tom Delay: "You're welcome."
NYC Mayor Ed Koch
Most of those are incorrectly attributed and/or quoted. Could have been a good article, but the author was too busy saying “Look at me!”...which, considering the source, is probably no surprise. ;)
I can give it to you if you would like. ;^)
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