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The 10 Most Devastating Insults [Actually Comebacks] of All Time
Cracked.com ^ | 12/1/08 | Michael Swaim

Posted on 12/01/2008 11:32:48 PM PST by Slings and Arrows

The French call it “l’esprit d’escalier,” or “staircase ghost.”

To the rest of us, it is known simply as the comeback, that divine and tender coincidence of all the universe’s comedic forces at the perfect moment. A truly good comeback can instantly turn tables, elevate the terminally zinged to the status of champion, and reduce the zinger to a stuttering fool.

Sadly, many of us will go our entire lives without scoring a decent comeback, doomed to pause awkwardly and mutter some pathetic variation of “your face” for the rest of our miserable lives. For us, it must be enough simply to marvel at the comebacks of the better equipped, and possibly memorize them for later personal use.

(Excerpt) Read more at cracked.com ...


TOPICS: History; Humor
KEYWORDS:
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WARNING: Contains strong language, blasphemy, confusion of James Garfield with Grover Cleveland.
1 posted on 12/01/2008 11:32:48 PM PST by Slings and Arrows
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To: Slings and Arrows; MeekOneGOP; Conspiracy Guy; DocRock; King Prout; Darksheare; OSHA; ...
Strangely enough, there's no entry for "What's your DU screenname?"


2 posted on 12/01/2008 11:34:37 PM PST by Slings and Arrows (We are SO screwed.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

Winner and still champion:

“There you go again...”


3 posted on 12/01/2008 11:35:42 PM PST by Cringing Negativism Network (PALIN 2012: No more RINOS... Ever!!)
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To: Slings and Arrows
The French call it “l’esprit d’escalier,” or “staircase ghost.” To the rest of us, it is known simply as the comeback, ...

This is completely stupid. The expression is "the spirit of the staircase", in the sense of inspiration. It means retorts or witticisms thought of after the fact, too late, when retiring.

4 posted on 12/01/2008 11:37:20 PM PST by dr_lew
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To: dr_lew
This is completely stupid.

Note the article source.

5 posted on 12/01/2008 11:39:41 PM PST by Slings and Arrows (We are SO screwed.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

Pretty funny.
By the way, that’s a nice haircut you gave yourself.


6 posted on 12/01/2008 11:44:38 PM PST by Lancey Howard
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To: dr_lew

Yeah, well the jerk store called and they’re out of YOU.


7 posted on 12/01/2008 11:45:40 PM PST by Lancey Howard
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To: Lancey Howard

I don’t get it.


8 posted on 12/01/2008 11:47:17 PM PST by dr_lew
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To: Slings and Arrows

I don’t know. Seems like the original, quick-witted comebacks are the best. I think the “Cracked” guys were smoking some crack - and/or 14 year-old boys.


9 posted on 12/01/2008 11:57:28 PM PST by 21twelve
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To: Slings and Arrows
One of my favorite putdowns was in the movie KISS KISS BANG BANG:

Val Kilmer: Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?

Robert Downey Jr.: A picture of me?

Kilmer: No! The definition of the word idiot, which is what you are!

10 posted on 12/01/2008 11:58:12 PM PST by Darkwolf377 (Atheist Pro-Lifer)
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To: Lancey Howard
By the way, that’s a nice haircut you gave yourself.

Thank you for taking your head out of your *** long enough to notice.

11 posted on 12/02/2008 12:01:11 AM PST by Slings and Arrows (We are SO screwed.)
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Comment #12 Removed by Moderator

To: Loupgarou

You could tell the author, but that would be cruelty to the retarded.


13 posted on 12/02/2008 12:03:15 AM PST by Slings and Arrows (We are SO screwed.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

Some good ones there! Then there are some that I would not have included on a top ten list......

For instance, the Keith Moon one is not particularly funny, I don’t find — it’s of interest b/c of how spectacularly wrong Moon was about the prospects for such a band and that Moon himself provided the name for the band (if that’s what he actually said in a drug-induce haze). But I don’t find it to be a great, hilarious “zinger”..... maybe that’s just me.

btw, the opening bit about “L’esprit d’escalier” misunderstands the point of that expression, since it has to do with what someone DIDN’T say as a comeback, but only thought of too late, on the stairway, while departing the premises. Thus, it is not the expression to use in referring to these ten comeback zingers which all were (allegedly) uttered at the time, not thought of after the fact.


14 posted on 12/02/2008 12:04:09 AM PST by Enchante (Countless Innocents in Mumbai, India Suffer the "Religion of Peace" in Action)
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To: Slings and Arrows

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIgosHvo3r4


15 posted on 12/02/2008 12:08:12 AM PST by Mojave (http://barackobamajokes.googlepages.com/obama_funny)
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To: Lancey Howard

What’s the difference? You’re their biggest seller!


16 posted on 12/02/2008 12:13:40 AM PST by LifeComesFirst (Until the unborn are free, nobody is free)
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To: Enchante
For instance, the Keith Moon one is not particularly funny, I don’t find — it’s of interest b/c of how spectacularly wrong Moon was about the prospects for such a band and that Moon himself provided the name for the band (if that’s what he actually said in a drug-induce haze). But I don’t find it to be a great, hilarious “zinger”..... maybe that’s just me.

I'm inclined to agree. Maybe we don't take enough drugs to appreciate it.

17 posted on 12/02/2008 12:17:01 AM PST by Slings and Arrows (We are SO screwed.)
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To: Slings and Arrows
"If I've offended your sensibilities.....reexamine them"

Works on some Democrats but not most.
18 posted on 12/02/2008 12:23:39 AM PST by BIGLOOK (Keelhaul Congress! It's the sensible solution to restore Command to the People.)
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To: BIGLOOK

Elegant. I like it.


19 posted on 12/02/2008 12:27:28 AM PST by Slings and Arrows (We are SO screwed.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

Anyone remember “The Ultimate Flame” thread? I had it bookmarked but it’s been gone for years I guess.


20 posted on 12/02/2008 1:00:44 AM PST by orlop9
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To: Slings and Arrows

Lady Astor: “If I were married to you, I’d put poison in your coffee.”

Churchill’s Reply: “If I were married to you, I’d drink it.”


21 posted on 12/02/2008 1:32:57 AM PST by Sharrukin
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To: Slings and Arrows

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.


22 posted on 12/02/2008 1:35:50 AM PST by Sharrukin
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To: dr_lew
"No Seinfeld for YOU!"
23 posted on 12/02/2008 1:39:27 AM PST by snarks_when_bored
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To: Slings and Arrows

One of the best:
I liked your new book, Who wrote it for you?

Yes, it is good, Who read it to you?


24 posted on 12/02/2008 1:43:37 AM PST by count-your-change (You don't have be brilliant, not being stupid is enough.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

Oh yeah. Your face!


25 posted on 12/02/2008 1:48:45 AM PST by Lancey Howard
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To: Lancey Howard

Cracked.com would approve.


26 posted on 12/02/2008 1:54:01 AM PST by Slings and Arrows (We are SO screwed.)
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To: orlop9

The Greatest Flame?

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. Don’t you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas. I’ll bet you couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won’t go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you. You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid chromosomally aberrent caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum, and I wish you would go away.

You’re a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselfs in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

If you aren’t an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you ckoke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You’re a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won’t have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you’re a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I’m sorry. I can’t go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don’t have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn’t really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us “normal” people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are “challenged” persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn’t have been “right”. Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.:
You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.


27 posted on 12/02/2008 2:14:40 AM PST by JoeSixPack1
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To: dr_lew
Not only did they get that wrong, the entire article is poorly written, and most of the anecdotes should be familiar to anyone over 14 years old.
28 posted on 12/02/2008 2:25:08 AM PST by Lonesome in Massachussets (The Democratic Party strongly supports full civil rights for necro-Americans.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

Well,Cracked had it’s moments!I read both Mad and Cracked back in the day.


29 posted on 12/02/2008 2:38:18 AM PST by Cheapskate (Play loud and carry BIG sticks!)
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To: JoeSixPack1

Oh my goodness....I remember reading that a few years ago and laughing my head off. Thanks for posting it.


30 posted on 12/02/2008 3:28:45 AM PST by JudyinCanada
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To: Slings and Arrows
I'd heard most of these, but not this gem from the article:

When quantum mechanics first introduced the idea of probability wave functions, a lot of physicists were like “what?" While not a come-back, that strikes me as extremely funny.

31 posted on 12/02/2008 4:02:49 AM PST by ottbmare
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To: JoeSixPack1
Oh YEAH?!?!?!?
32 posted on 12/02/2008 4:12:39 AM PST by Roccus (Someday it'll all make sense.............maybe.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

bump for later


33 posted on 12/02/2008 4:13:17 AM PST by joe fonebone (The libtard votes in every election, regardless of the candidate.)
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To: Lancey Howard

One of my favorites:Is your breath bad or are you standing on your head?


34 posted on 12/02/2008 4:21:02 AM PST by Farmer Dean (168 grains of instant conflict resolution)
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To: Slings and Arrows
Woman...to Churchill: "Mr Churchill,if I was your wife I'd poison you"

Churchill...to woman: "Madame,if you were my wife,I'd let you".

35 posted on 12/02/2008 4:38:09 AM PST by Gay State Conservative (Obama:"Ich bin ein beginner")
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bump


36 posted on 12/02/2008 4:39:46 AM PST by Non-Sequitur
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To: Sharrukin
Gosh darn it....you beat me to it! Didn't see your post before placing mine.
37 posted on 12/02/2008 4:40:25 AM PST by Gay State Conservative (Obama:"Ich bin ein beginner")
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To: Slings and Arrows
Another Churchill comeback:

During the 1930's when Churchill's influence was on the wane, one junior member of Parliament from the opposite party took after Churchill in the house one day. Calling Churchill every name in the book, the MP crossed the unwritten boundary of what may be said on the floor and what may not. Churchill sat there in silence, but the MP's own leadership were agast at the manner in which the member insulted him. After the session, his leaders called him in and pointed out that his actions went beyond the bounds and ordered him to apologize. Humbled, the MP went to Churchill's house at Chartwell to offer his apology in person. Informing the butler of his purpose, the servant went off to find Churchill and found him in the restroom. When informed of who the caller was and what was his purpose, Churchill replied, "Tell him that I'm sorry but I'm in the privy and can only take one shit at a time."

Sorry for the language, but it would have lost it's impact if I censored it.

38 posted on 12/02/2008 4:47:30 AM PST by Non-Sequitur
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To: Slings and Arrows

Sorry if this might be a little too graphic for some. But, my all time favorite is “The best part of you rolled down your Mothers’ leg.”


39 posted on 12/02/2008 4:59:04 AM PST by TruthFactor (The Death of Nations: Pornography, Homosexuality, Abortion)
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To: Slings and Arrows

My current favorite from this decade would be “Don’t get stuck on stupid”.


40 posted on 12/02/2008 5:37:30 AM PST by Pox
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Comment #41 Removed by Moderator

To: Sharrukin

That’s awesome


42 posted on 12/02/2008 6:07:06 AM PST by Skooz (Gabba Gabba we accept you we accept you one of us Gabba Gabba we accept you we accept you one of us)
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To: Slings and Arrows

Had a hard time reading that page.

All I could see was that blonde in the leopard thong.


43 posted on 12/02/2008 6:19:09 AM PST by earlJam
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To: earlJam

I feel your pain.


44 posted on 12/02/2008 6:24:26 AM PST by Slings and Arrows (We are SO screwed.)
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To: Lancey Howard

LOL. Good reminder. That worked out real well for Costanza, didn’t it?
;)


45 posted on 12/02/2008 6:26:41 AM PST by Sparko
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To: Sharrukin
Bimbo date, chatting endlessly about nothing, noting her date seems bored....says sarcastically, "I hope I'm not keeping you up."

Date, who happens to be wit Oscar Levant, says "I wish you were."

46 posted on 12/02/2008 6:40:00 AM PST by Lizavetta
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To: Slings and Arrows
Tom Delay to French diplomat: "Do you speak German?"

French Diplomat: "No."

Tom Delay: "You're welcome."

47 posted on 12/02/2008 6:45:06 AM PST by Dilbert56 (Harry Reid, D-Nev.: "We're going to pick up Senate seats as a result of this war.")
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To: Slings and Arrows
"I can explain it to you, but I cannot comprehend it for you."

NYC Mayor Ed Koch

48 posted on 12/02/2008 7:24:18 AM PST by Psalm 73 ("Gentlemen, you can't fight in here - this is the War Room".)
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To: Slings and Arrows

Most of those are incorrectly attributed and/or quoted. Could have been a good article, but the author was too busy saying “Look at me!”...which, considering the source, is probably no surprise. ;)


49 posted on 12/02/2008 7:32:30 AM PST by Mr. Jeeves ("One man's 'magic' is another man's engineering. 'Supernatural' is a null word." -- Robert Heinlein)
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To: orlop9
I still have the Ultimate Flame in text format.

I can give it to you if you would like. ;^)

50 posted on 12/02/2008 7:38:14 AM PST by Just another Joe (Warning: FReeping can be addictive and helpful to your mental health)
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