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%~%~THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD~%~%

Posted on 03/11/2011 4:57:51 AM PST by Lucky9teen

Today is Worship of Tools Day


No....not this tool....



There are few things that the male population worships more than his tools. To some, a tool is a natural extension of their arm. So, Worship of Tools Day is a logical day of celebration. And, it's definitely a guy thing. Please note however, there are more than a few ladies who love to work with their hands, and find today to be an important holiday.



Song of the Day: If I Had a Hammer

The Real Uses of your Tools

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.



ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".



TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.br>
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: ofst; silliness; tools
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And now for some cartoons:cartoons:






1 posted on 03/11/2011 4:57:54 AM PST by Lucky9teen
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To: Lucky9teen

IN!!!


2 posted on 03/11/2011 4:58:59 AM PST by Monkey Face (I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.)
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To: Monkey Face

IBTP?


3 posted on 03/11/2011 5:00:24 AM PST by CPOSharky (After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.)
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To: 2111USMC; 21stCenturion; 2ndDivisionVet; 3AngelaD; 4mycountry; 5Madman2; 66-442hot; 6amgelsmama; ...


PING-A-LING!!!

CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST



4 posted on 03/11/2011 5:00:45 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Jobs? Nope! Economy? Nope! Disarm the U.S? Yep! Impeach the treasonous Marxist Muslim usurper bast)
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To: Lucky9teen

IBTP
TOP 5
TIGER BLOOD WINNER!


5 posted on 03/11/2011 5:01:16 AM PST by paulycy (Islamo-Marxism is Evil.)
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To: BabyBMW; Apple Blossom

ping


6 posted on 03/11/2011 5:07:52 AM PST by bmwcyle (It is Satan's fault)
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To: Lucky9teen
Soup To Nutz
7 posted on 03/11/2011 5:08:23 AM PST by the_devils_advocate_666
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To: Lucky9teen

HEADLINES FROM THE NEW YEAR : 2059

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.


8 posted on 03/11/2011 5:09:43 AM PST by CPOSharky (After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.)
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To: CPOSharky

Yepper! I was awake in time!! :o])


9 posted on 03/11/2011 5:11:08 AM PST by Monkey Face (I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.)
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To: Monkey Face

Whole lot o’ shakin’ goin’ on...


10 posted on 03/11/2011 5:13:24 AM PST by Dead Corpse (III%. The last line in the sand)
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To: Dead Corpse

I saw that. I’d rather be in an earthquake than a tornado.
Just sayin’...


11 posted on 03/11/2011 5:14:55 AM PST by Monkey Face (I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.)
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To: Lucky9teen
Spacebook video: What's in Spock's Scanner?
12 posted on 03/11/2011 5:20:05 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: Monkey Face

13 posted on 03/11/2011 5:23:40 AM PST by BenLurkin (This post is not a statement of fact. It is merely a personal opinion -- or humor -- or both)
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To: the_devils_advocate_666

bttt


14 posted on 03/11/2011 5:24:33 AM PST by BenLurkin (This post is not a statement of fact. It is merely a personal opinion -- or humor -- or both)
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To: Lucky9teen
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes he boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business suit and "don't touch me" tie, is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand and immediately pockets. Releasing the boy's testicles, she walks back to eat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No", the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

OK...it's kind of a tool joke!!

15 posted on 03/11/2011 5:25:47 AM PST by Logic n' Reason ("Don't start coloring until you know where the lines go.")
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To: Lucky9teen


16 posted on 03/11/2011 5:39:31 AM PST by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet - Visualize)
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To: Lucky9teen

oh boy it’s Friday, top 20, thanks as usual!


17 posted on 03/11/2011 5:41:45 AM PST by holly go-rightly
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To: BenLurkin

18 posted on 03/11/2011 5:43:13 AM PST by Arrowhead1952 (TX and MI - When the going gets tough, the dims run and hide.)
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To: paulycy


19 posted on 03/11/2011 5:44:21 AM PST by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet - Visualize)
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To: Izzy Dunne

That’s FUNNY!!


20 posted on 03/11/2011 5:45:08 AM PST by Monkey Face (I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.)
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To: BenLurkin

Sticking your neck out on that one, aren’t ya?


21 posted on 03/11/2011 5:46:33 AM PST by Monkey Face (I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.)
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To: Lucky9teen
Another spectacular tool joke!!

LETTER TO MEN’S HELP LINE
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse; then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

22 posted on 03/11/2011 5:51:52 AM PST by Logic n' Reason ("Don't start coloring until you know where the lines go.")
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To: Monkey Face

C. neither


23 posted on 03/11/2011 5:53:29 AM PST by Shimmer1 (when life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt.)
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To: Lucky9teen

T Fool

24 posted on 03/11/2011 5:53:54 AM PST by Arrowhead1952 (TX and MI - When the going gets tough, the dims run and hide.)
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To: Logic n' Reason

The Monkey and the Cork

There are three friends that have been friends for many years. One was from Poland, one was from Mexico, and one was an American. They ran a business together, and were quite successful. One day, in the local paper, they saw an advertisement for a contest about who could grow the world’s largest pet pig. The prize was one million dollars. All three of them thought that they could do it and win the prize money.

So they went out and found the largest pig they could buy locally, and bought it. Then they started thinking about how to make it as large as possible as fast as possible. After discussing it among themselves, they decided that not only were they going to feed this pig tremendous amounts of food, but they were not going to let it poop so that it would just keep getting larger and larger as it ate more food. They found a huge cork, and corked the pig’s butt so it couldn’t poop and started feeding it non-stop.

The day of the contest arrived, and the pig was so big that they couldn’t transport it to the contest site, so they arranged to have the contest judges come to the pig. Upon arriving, the judges could not believe how large this pig was. They immediately gave the award to the three friends. The three friends were absolutely happy about the money.

After the contest judges left, the three friends decided to go ahead and take the cork out so the pig could operate as normal. BUT, none of them wanted to do it for fear of getting covered in pig poop. So they decided to rent a trained monkey to do it instead.

The monkey arrived, and the trainer showed the monkey what they wanted it to do. So the monkey got in position behind the pig and awaited it’s signal. The man from Poland stood about 10 feet away behind the pig. The Mexican was a little more cautious, and decided to stand about 20 away behind the pig. The American was the most cautious of all the three friends and stood about 30 feet away from the back end of the pig. The signal was given to the monkey to pull the cork out.

The results were amazing. So much pig poop came out that the friend from Poland was completely buried in it. The Mexican was buried up to his waste, and the American got a good coating on his ankles. The monkey was nowhere in sight. In total shock, the American ran up to the Mexican and helped dig him out. Then both he and the Mexican slogged through the pig poop, found their Polish friend, and started to dig him out. Much to their suprise, he was laughing his head off.

In utter confusion, they looked at each other, then looked at him and said, “What’s so damn funny?!? You’re buried up to your head in pig shit! That’s not funny at all!”

The Polish man said, “True! True! However, you should have seen that monkey trying to put the cork back in!”


25 posted on 03/11/2011 5:54:20 AM PST by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet - Visualize)
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To: JoeProBono

I think there’s a moral amongst all that “pig poop”!!


26 posted on 03/11/2011 5:58:50 AM PST by Logic n' Reason ("Don't start coloring until you know where the lines go.")
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To: Shimmer1

Of course! LOL!


27 posted on 03/11/2011 6:03:41 AM PST by Monkey Face (I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.)
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To: Lucky9teen

28 posted on 03/11/2011 6:03:59 AM PST by Bean Counter (Stout Hearts!)
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To: Monkey Face
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs, also used to gobble dangling wall telephone cords

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: aka Flathead. A tool for opening paint cans, sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

I noticed a few missing from list on top.

29 posted on 03/11/2011 6:10:46 AM PST by sniper63 (Did you plug the hole in the border yet daddy........)
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To: JoeProBono

It’s been a long time since I heard that joke, but it is still funny. From the email today:


Subject: FW: stuttering cat???

Have either of you heard of a stuttering cat???

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, “Human beings are the only animals that stutter.”

A little girl raises her hand saying, “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

The teacher exclaimed, “That must have been scary!”

The little girl said, “It sure was!

My kitty raised her back, went ‘Sssss, Sssss, Sssss’

—and before she could say ‘Shit,’— the Rottweiler ate her!”

The teacher had to leave the room.


30 posted on 03/11/2011 6:14:12 AM PST by Arrowhead1952 (TX and MI - When the going gets tough, the dims run and hide.)
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To: Arrowhead1952

IATCJ!!


31 posted on 03/11/2011 7:03:36 AM PST by Tatze (I reject your reality and substitute my own!)
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To: Lucky9teen

This reminds me of that goofy "tousled little boy" hair style all of the TV newsreaders are now sporting. I'll stick with my basic "Hitler Flip"...

32 posted on 03/11/2011 7:07:14 AM PST by ErnBatavia (It's not the Obama Administration....it's the "Obama Regime".)
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To: Lucky9teen
I'm a bitchin' rock star from mars and I am in the top 40!
33 posted on 03/11/2011 7:31:03 AM PST by Mr. Silverback (Anyone who says we need illegals to do the jobs Americans won't do has never watched "Dirty Jobs.")
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To: Lucky9teen
Top 40!


34 posted on 03/11/2011 7:34:51 AM PST by Celtic Cross (Some minds are like cement; thoroughly mixed up and permanently set...)
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To: Lucky9teen; Constitution Day

35 posted on 03/11/2011 7:37:01 AM PST by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: Lucky9teen

36 posted on 03/11/2011 7:37:47 AM PST by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: Lucky9teen
And now....







































...we dance!!!

37 posted on 03/11/2011 7:41:02 AM PST by Mr. Silverback (Anyone who says we need illegals to do the jobs Americans won't do has never watched "Dirty Jobs.")
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To: Mr. Silverback
Photobucket

Photobucket

38 posted on 03/11/2011 8:03:21 AM PST by dragonblustar (To tag or not to tag, that is the question.....)
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To: dragonblustar

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT!
THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER


39 posted on 03/11/2011 8:29:47 AM PST by Mr. Silverback (Anyone who says we need illegals to do the jobs Americans won't do has never watched "Dirty Jobs.")
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To: Monkey Face
I saw that. I’d rather be in an earthquake than a tornado.

And I'll take the tornado over that tsunami.

40 posted on 03/11/2011 8:37:00 AM PST by al_c (http://www.blowoutcongress.com)
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To: Lucky9teen
Speaking of tools

<Photobucket">

At last, a smart phone we seniors can understand

41 posted on 03/11/2011 8:37:56 AM PST by llevrok (SEIU? STFU.)
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To: Mr. Silverback

ROFLOL!


42 posted on 03/11/2011 8:46:58 AM PST by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis (Want to make $$$? It's easy! Use FR as a platform to pimp your blog!!!)
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To: martin_fierro

Photobucket is blocked by my firewall. :(


43 posted on 03/11/2011 8:47:09 AM PST by Constitution Day
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To: Lucky9teen
As a VW addict, I just have to include this tool....


44 posted on 03/11/2011 8:47:43 AM PST by fredhead (Liberals think globally, reason rectally, act idiotically.)
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To: Mr. Silverback


And now.....
We Dance!

45 posted on 03/11/2011 8:52:04 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Jobs? Nope! Economy? Nope! Disarm the U.S? Yep! Impeach the treasonous Marxist Muslim usurper bast)
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To: Lucky9teen
I use BIG tools. This is for digging in my garden:


46 posted on 03/11/2011 8:52:14 AM PST by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis (Want to make $$$? It's easy! Use FR as a platform to pimp your blog!!!)
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To: Lucky9teen
And this one is for scooping up all the leaves in the Fall:


47 posted on 03/11/2011 8:53:19 AM PST by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis (Want to make $$$? It's easy! Use FR as a platform to pimp your blog!!!)
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To: Lucky9teen
And this one is great for making swimming pools:


48 posted on 03/11/2011 8:54:16 AM PST by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis (Want to make $$$? It's easy! Use FR as a platform to pimp your blog!!!)
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To: Lucky9teen

49 posted on 03/11/2011 8:57:35 AM PST by BenLurkin (This post is not a statement of fact. It is merely a personal opinion -- or humor -- or both)
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To: dragonblustar

50 posted on 03/11/2011 8:59:41 AM PST by BenLurkin (This post is not a statement of fact. It is merely a personal opinion -- or humor -- or both)
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