%~%~THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD~%~%

[Lucky9teen]

Today is Worship of Tools Day

No....not this tool....



There are few things that the male population worships more than his tools. To some, a tool is a natural extension of their arm. So, Worship of Tools Day is a logical day of celebration. And, it's definitely a guy thing. Please note however, there are more than a few ladies who love to work with their hands, and find today to be an important holiday.



Song of the Day: If I Had a Hammer

The Real Uses of your Tools

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.



ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".



TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.br>
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

[Monkey Face]

Sticking your neck out on that one, aren’t ya?

[Logic n' Reason]

Another spectacular tool joke!!

LETTER TO MEN’S HELP LINE
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse; then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

[Shimmer1]

C. neither

[Arrowhead1952]

T Fool

[JoeProBono]

The Monkey and the Cork

There are three friends that have been friends for many years. One was from Poland, one was from Mexico, and one was an American. They ran a business together, and were quite successful. One day, in the local paper, they saw an advertisement for a contest about who could grow the world’s largest pet pig. The prize was one million dollars. All three of them thought that they could do it and win the prize money.

So they went out and found the largest pig they could buy locally, and bought it. Then they started thinking about how to make it as large as possible as fast as possible. After discussing it among themselves, they decided that not only were they going to feed this pig tremendous amounts of food, but they were not going to let it poop so that it would just keep getting larger and larger as it ate more food. They found a huge cork, and corked the pig’s butt so it couldn’t poop and started feeding it non-stop.

The day of the contest arrived, and the pig was so big that they couldn’t transport it to the contest site, so they arranged to have the contest judges come to the pig. Upon arriving, the judges could not believe how large this pig was. They immediately gave the award to the three friends. The three friends were absolutely happy about the money.

After the contest judges left, the three friends decided to go ahead and take the cork out so the pig could operate as normal. BUT, none of them wanted to do it for fear of getting covered in pig poop. So they decided to rent a trained monkey to do it instead.

The monkey arrived, and the trainer showed the monkey what they wanted it to do. So the monkey got in position behind the pig and awaited it’s signal. The man from Poland stood about 10 feet away behind the pig. The Mexican was a little more cautious, and decided to stand about 20 away behind the pig. The American was the most cautious of all the three friends and stood about 30 feet away from the back end of the pig. The signal was given to the monkey to pull the cork out.

The results were amazing. So much pig poop came out that the friend from Poland was completely buried in it. The Mexican was buried up to his waste, and the American got a good coating on his ankles. The monkey was nowhere in sight. In total shock, the American ran up to the Mexican and helped dig him out. Then both he and the Mexican slogged through the pig poop, found their Polish friend, and started to dig him out. Much to their suprise, he was laughing his head off.

In utter confusion, they looked at each other, then looked at him and said, “What’s so damn funny?!? You’re buried up to your head in pig shit! That’s not funny at all!”

The Polish man said, “True! True! However, you should have seen that monkey trying to put the cork back in!”

[Logic n' Reason]

I think there’s a moral amongst all that “pig poop”!!

[Monkey Face]

Of course! LOL!

[Bean Counter]

[sniper63]

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs, also used to gobble dangling wall telephone cords

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: aka Flathead. A tool for opening paint cans, sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

I noticed a few missing from list on top.

[Arrowhead1952]

It’s been a long time since I heard that joke, but it is still funny. From the email today:

---

Subject: FW: stuttering cat???

Have either of you heard of a stuttering cat???

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, “Human beings are the only animals that stutter.”

A little girl raises her hand saying, “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

The teacher exclaimed, “That must have been scary!”

The little girl said, “It sure was!

My kitty raised her back, went ‘Sssss, Sssss, Sssss’

—and before she could say ‘Shit,’— the Rottweiler ate her!”

The teacher had to leave the room.

[Tatze]

IATCJ!!

[ErnBatavia]

This reminds me of that goofy "tousled little boy" hair style all of the TV newsreaders are now sporting. I'll stick with my basic "Hitler Flip"...

[Mr. Silverback]

I'm a bitchin' rock star from mars and I am in the top 40!

[Celtic Cross]

Top 40!

[martin_fierro]

[martin_fierro]

[Mr. Silverback]

And now....

...we dance!!!

[dragonblustar]

[Mr. Silverback]

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT!
THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[al_c]

I saw that. I’d rather be in an earthquake than a tornado.

And I'll take the tornado over that tsunami.