Skip to comments.The Unofficial 99% Parody Thread [post your parody 99% testimonials - vanity]
Posted on 10/08/2011 11:57:36 AM PDT by matt1234
By now, most of you have seen the pathetic testimonials of self-described 99%ers at sites such as wearethe99percent.tumblr.com. Let's have some fun by writing parodies and posting them in this thread. I'll start in reply #1. (Pictures optional.)
I am a 29 year-old unemployed single mom with 3 skool age children. I am stuck in government housing and living on welfare. I have not worked since 2008.
I have Masters degree in Womens Studies from a prestigious university but cant find work in my field. I have applied for numerous jobs since 2008 but have been unable to find one. I find it reprehensible that so many employers wont give me a second look because I have a nose ring and blue hair. Thats discrimination, pure and simple.
I have $99,000 in student loans which I will probably never be able to pay back. I am now disgusted with Obama even though I supported him enthusiastically in 2008. However, if Obama were to cancel all student loans, I would probably vote for him again. Presently, I prefer Dennis Kucinnich. (He is sooooo sexy.)
Speaking of men, none of my childrens fathers will pay child support. I am so disgusted with them. The ChairWomyn of my Womens Studies Department said that men secretly love assertive, feminist women. If thats true, why cant I find a man that will stick around after the sex is over?
Me and my children have sacrificed so much in the past 3 years. I cannot afford the copay for my medical marijuana to treat my fidgety leg syndrome. My parents bought me a Prius for the birthday, but I cant afford to buy gas for it. My children have gone from drinking Sunny Delight to imitation fruit juice. Where will it all end?
I think corporations are the root of all of societys evils. They take so much and give so little in return.
Id like to right more, but I have to get to Walmart before it closes.
I am the 99%.
My name is Henrietta Hughes I have been homeless and living in a Car....I asked Obama to help me with a Car/ Kitchen and a Bathroom after the Motgage Crisis when he was passing the Stimulus Bill. We need to pass Obama’s jobs bill..... I am one of the 99%......(How was that? LOL)
I’M THE .0099% AND I WANT A PONY DAMMIT!!!!
some inspiration from a similar thread at ar-15.com forum:
I'm goin' home.
Yeah my name is Ernie. I’m twenty something and was having a hard time finding a good party till this crowd came along. I gotta tell you they have the good **** too!
Anyway I think they’re protesting something. Feels good making a difference and being a part of change. Stinking evil banks and their war! We’re going to beat the crap out of one of these Eikman’s tonight after he comes out. That’ll show him the power of the peace movement.
My name is Herbet and I am 56. I have worked all my life but I am concerned that what I have scrimped and saved for over the decades is about to go back to the creditors.
I can no longer fill the tank on my 115 foot yacht for a simple day of sailing and I have had to lay off 3 of my Swedish Blonde “We Sail Nekkid Crew”. I can no longer eat the simple things in life, such as artichoke hearts marinated in ‘28 Lafitte Rothschild.
I may no longer be able to buy my children’s way into fine Universities and my 28 year old blonde wife wants a new diamond necklace.
I am the 99%!
Forgot to mention the funnier part, the ar-15.com forum member who made the parody troll on the tumblr website was picked up by some other dude mad at the OWS people, and he went on a “when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor” rant against the guy...
No one knows you’re a dog on the internet.
My name is Princess and I’m getting tired of some guy named Matt1234 using my name for an alias.
I’m gonna’ go and protest.
I am the 99% and I went to college but now they want me to pay for my schooling.
I’m college degree in minority and homosexual studies and now companies won’t give me job cos I have not the right degree.
My mother is single and won’t pay for my living and had to rack up 50 grand in credit card debt.
I am the 99%.
"I heard this woman who supported Barack Obama say she wasn't going to have to pay for her mortgage or gas if he was elected."
She's a 99%er, why not me?
made me laugh
I have evolved beyond having an age, although I was born in 27 years ago.
I have $165,949.95 in student loans to get my Doctorate in Extra-terrestrial communications. But with the budget cuts for NASA they aren’t hiring.
My medical insurance won’t cover the illnesses I contracted when I was abducted by aliens from the planet Stonepout. They are the fourth planet of the 6th star of the Pleiades group.
We need to provide amnesty to them so they can land an teach how life evolved without violence on their planet.
In wise preparation for their public landings I am making myself look like them. I have tattooed a third eye on my nose, split my tongue down the center, shaved my head, and implanted antennae on my scalp.
I have discovered that LSD helps me to tune in to their wave-length and understand the messages they beam to me.
It is a shame that someone with my qualifications continues to be rejected for any kind of employment. I live in a cardboard box under a bridge, waiting for them to arrive.
I am the 99%.
Peacy and Love and Tranquility and Good Vibes to all.
P.S. I just got a call from the 60s. They want me to send back my tie-dyed rainbow T-shirt, but I have to wash it first.
| My name is Matt Foley and I am a motivational speaker. Now let me give you a little scenerio of what my life is all about. First off I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a
VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!
Now you Wall Street occupiers think you're gonna get the world by the tail and wrap it around and pull it down and put it in your pocket. Well I'm here to tell you that you're probably gonna find that as you go out there that you're not going to amount to
You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese and livin' in a
VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!
If you want off my ping list get over it!
You know, CC, One day you're going to have to let the pony thing go.
You will NEVER win the parody contest!
That bumper sticker is dead accurate!
I’m a reasonable man.
I’d settle for a large goat.
Hi, my name is Kim. I have 2 children and live in a very nice apartment, it costs too much but I’m not about to live where they don’t have a pool, work-out room and spa.
I left my hardworking husband because I just needed to enjoy my life. I’ve found the boyz in da hood and they know how to show a woman a good time but life has been hard for them and none of them have jobs.
I have gone bankrupt once but I still have those student loans to pay back so now I’m back in school to get my master’s and if they keep asking for payment I’ll have to go on to get my Phd.
Even with my degree I haven’t been able to get ahead and have had to work 4 hours a day, 4 days a week as a waitress for 10 years. I did have a full time job once but I tried to sue them when I tripped on the stairs and they fired me!
I only get $300 a month in food stamps and can hardly afford to feed my kids dinner every night, thank goodness they eat breakfast and lunch at school.
I’m getting my degree in education so I can work in the schools, I like the schedule and the pay and benefits are pretty good, the only real problem I see is that I HATE children, I don’t even like my own. My daughter is always whining that she only sees me a couple hours a week and I say good, you are learning to be independent. A lot of kids your age don’t know how to cook and clean and do laundry.
I am the 99%
I have a Flow-Bee.
So, I went back to my natural color.
The nose ring is a big plus - because I can change it with every holiday!
Now that I have figured it out, I may get hired as Dean of Celebrations at the college!
I am among the 99% that failed with blue hair.
Maybe [Mrs] T and I can get some cheese. Funny stuff, glad you added your impotent post.
I DIG that Seasonal Nose Ring!
I, like, thought, like going to college for , like, forever would, like, do some good so I could, like, have the cash and the time to, like, enjoy life because, like, you know, we are all just like the polar bears, you know, going to be , like, swimming around and gonna be eaten by, like, an orca or whatever or maybe a big jellyfish like I saw on TV once sting a guy and, man, it looked like is was really super painful and all that gets me so depressed that, like, I have a hard time getting up at 10 or 11 every morning to go to my job at White Castle where, like, they say I’m not a candidate for like a manager’s position and - shit I need a bigger piece of cardboard for my sign! Man, I am the 99% but I’ve like never been good at decimals so I don’t like know if that puts me in the big group.
I actually wrote that in 2005, but updated the “Protest march” verse for the latest idiot crowd. Glad you like it! :-)
Well DONE, Buford.
Hello. My name is Dwayne Stump.
Weekends are for drunks. Do drugs.
I am the 99%
Go f*** yerselves, capitalist running dogs.
I want have sex w Christy Canyon , win the lotto, get obama out of office, and meet Metallica.
I am the 99 percent.
Hi, my name is Dynamite Hack
Cuz the boys in the hood are always hard
Come talkin’ that trash and we’ll pull your card
Knowin’ nothin’ in life but to be legit,
Don’t quote me boy, I ain’t said s***
I am the 99%
I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some . . . people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.
I am the 99%.
Hi, I am Satan.
I’m organizing all these protests with my puppets George Soros and Barack Obama, so that I can finally, through communism, bring America into the Dominion of Hell!
I am the 99% ... or is it the 666%?
Tell God I still don’t want to move back up there.
My name is Tasmanian Sicko Rube
I am the keeper of PING lists. I don’t have time for a job to pay back my student loans that financed my getting stoned and drunk in College. Scoring a D- average in my major was worth it, however.
I am the 99%
(funny stuff in this thread right here!)
They are the eggmen. (Woo!)
I am the 99%.
Goo goo gah joob.
Caption under the picture of the guy defecating on the NYPD Cruiser.
“Does this Cop Car make my ass look big?”
99% Walrus - + coo-coo-ca-choo +
Since I like hanging around smelly hippies who use the money they save on soap to buy an iPhone, (with unlimited talk / text / web), I graduated to a 99%er.
I went to Starbucks to use the bathroom, but the Toilet was all plugged up. I snuck into Walgreens and stole a box of Depends to share with my new friends. I am a giver.
BTW - I tried to give that guy who defecated on the NYPD Cruiser a Depends, but his Butt was too big to fit into them. Next time I'll be sure to steal XXL Depends. I am a giver.
No kidding! When I looked at the 99% site, one of the first ones I saw was a woman with an MFA, a colored streak in her hair and a prominent nose ring. She's whining because she can't find a teaching job. My first thought was, "How is it the fault of billionaires that academia won't hire you?" My second thought was "How do you expect to get a professorship when you look like a minimum wage barista?"
A real 99%er.
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