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The Unofficial 99% Parody Thread [post your parody 99% testimonials - vanity]
me ^ | Oct. 8 , 2011 | me

Posted on 10/08/2011 11:57:36 AM PDT by matt1234

By now, most of you have seen the pathetic testimonials of self-described 99%ers at sites such as wearethe99percent.tumblr.com. Let's have some fun by writing parodies and posting them in this thread. I'll start in reply #1. (Pictures optional.)


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor
KEYWORDS: 99; 99er; humor; napl; occupyajobbonehead; occupywallst; occupywallstreet
My protest name is Princess (real name withheld).

I am a 29 year-old unemployed single mom with 3 skool age children. I am stuck in government housing and living on welfare. I have not worked since 2008.

I have Masters degree in Women’s Studies from a prestigious university but can’t find work in my field. I have applied for numerous jobs since 2008 but have been unable to find one. I find it reprehensible that so many employers won’t give me a second look because I have a nose ring and blue hair. That’s discrimination, pure and simple.

I have $99,000 in student loans which I will probably never be able to pay back. I am now disgusted with Obama even though I supported him enthusiastically in 2008. However, if Obama were to cancel all student loans, I would probably vote for him again. Presently, I prefer Dennis Kucinnich. (He is sooooo sexy.)

Speaking of men, none of my children’s fathers will pay child support. I am so disgusted with them. The ChairWomyn of my Women’s Studies Department said that men secretly love assertive, feminist women. If that’s true, why can’t I find a man that will stick around after the sex is over?

Me and my children have sacrificed so much in the past 3 years. I cannot afford the copay for my medical marijuana to treat my fidgety leg syndrome. My parents bought me a Prius for the birthday, but I can’t afford to buy gas for it. My children have gone from drinking Sunny Delight to imitation fruit juice. Where will it all end?

I think corporations are the root of all of society’s evils. They take so much and give so little in return.

I’d like to right more, but I have to get to Walmart before it closes.

Peace out.

I am the 99%.

1 posted on 10/08/2011 11:57:48 AM PDT by matt1234
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To: matt1234
Obama Stuff
2 posted on 10/08/2011 12:09:14 PM PDT by freedumb2003 (Herman Cain 2012 -- the man we need at the time we need him)
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To: matt1234

My name is Henrietta Hughes I have been homeless and living in a Car....I asked Obama to help me with a Car/ Kitchen and a Bathroom after the Motgage Crisis when he was passing the Stimulus Bill. We need to pass Obama’s jobs bill..... I am one of the 99%......(How was that? LOL)


3 posted on 10/08/2011 12:09:22 PM PDT by jakerobins
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To: matt1234

I’M THE .0099% AND I WANT A PONY DAMMIT!!!!


4 posted on 10/08/2011 12:10:04 PM PDT by cripplecreek (MLB Playoff thread http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/2786167/posts)
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To: matt1234

some inspiration from a similar thread at ar-15.com forum:
http://www.ar15.com/mobile/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=1237537&page=1


5 posted on 10/08/2011 12:11:25 PM PDT by JerseyHighlander
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To: cripplecreek
I came here to protest, but soon felt horny and wanted to get laid, but all the wimmin are ugly an' they smell bad.

I'm goin' home.

6 posted on 10/08/2011 12:14:06 PM PDT by knarf (I say things that are true ... I have no proof ... but they're true)
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To: matt1234

Yeah my name is Ernie. I’m twenty something and was having a hard time finding a good party till this crowd came along. I gotta tell you they have the good **** too!

Anyway I think they’re protesting something. Feels good making a difference and being a part of change. Stinking evil banks and their war! We’re going to beat the crap out of one of these Eikman’s tonight after he comes out. That’ll show him the power of the peace movement.


7 posted on 10/08/2011 12:14:51 PM PDT by Tzimisce (Never forget that the American Revolution began when the British tried to disarm the colonists.)
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To: jakerobins

My name is Herbet and I am 56. I have worked all my life but I am concerned that what I have scrimped and saved for over the decades is about to go back to the creditors.

I can no longer fill the tank on my 115 foot yacht for a simple day of sailing and I have had to lay off 3 of my Swedish Blonde “We Sail Nekkid Crew”. I can no longer eat the simple things in life, such as artichoke hearts marinated in ‘28 Lafitte Rothschild.

I may no longer be able to buy my children’s way into fine Universities and my 28 year old blonde wife wants a new diamond necklace.

I am the 99%!


8 posted on 10/08/2011 12:15:48 PM PDT by buffaloguy
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To: matt1234

Forgot to mention the funnier part, the ar-15.com forum member who made the parody troll on the tumblr website was picked up by some other dude mad at the OWS people, and he went on a “when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor” rant against the guy...

http://angrywhitedude.com/2011/10/libtards-of-the-week-the-unwashed-wall-street-imoocher-protesters/

No one knows you’re a dog on the internet.


9 posted on 10/08/2011 12:16:43 PM PDT by JerseyHighlander
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To: knarf

My name is Princess and I’m getting tired of some guy named Matt1234 using my name for an alias.

I’m gonna’ go and protest.


10 posted on 10/08/2011 12:16:43 PM PDT by donhunt (Certified and proud "Son of a Bitch".)
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To: cripplecreek

I am the 99% and I went to college but now they want me to pay for my schooling.

I’m college degree in minority and homosexual studies and now companies won’t give me job cos I have not the right degree.

My mother is single and won’t pay for my living and had to rack up 50 grand in credit card debt.


11 posted on 10/08/2011 12:18:52 PM PDT by manc (Beckett08 an anti war ANSWER troll who re-registered.Promoting the protests, not condemning)
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To: matt1234
I am a decent person. My children had HBO and Showtime and Disney, but the cable company found the splice and I now owe $5,000 in back charges. I was going to write a lengthy email to them, but my neighbor changed his wireless password and now my kids don't have internet anymore.

I am the 99%.

-PJ

12 posted on 10/08/2011 12:20:06 PM PDT by Political Junkie Too (Everyone's Irish on St. Patrick's Day, Mexican on Cinco de Mayo, and American on Election Day.)
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To: matt1234

ROFLMAO!!!!


13 posted on 10/08/2011 12:29:37 PM PDT by marty60
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To: matt1234

14 posted on 10/08/2011 12:34:23 PM PDT by drewh
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To: matt1234
"I am tired of needing all this money and having to go out and get it."

"I heard this woman who supported Barack Obama say she wasn't going to have to pay for her mortgage or gas if he was elected."

She's a 99%er, why not me?

15 posted on 10/08/2011 12:36:22 PM PDT by Baynative (The penalty for not participating in politics is you will be governed by your inferiors.)
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To: matt1234
My name is Peggy Joseph. Every day I keeps on goin’ to the mailbox to get my Obama stash check to pay for my rent and my gas but so far all I gets is bills. That ain't fair. How come I gotsta pay for stuff I get? I'm gonna keep on protestin’ and I'm gonna send Obama my address again ‘cause he must have lost it.
16 posted on 10/08/2011 12:39:33 PM PDT by JPG (America is worth saving. All hands on deck!)
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To: matt1234

made me laugh


17 posted on 10/08/2011 12:40:38 PM PDT by teenyelliott (www.therightscoop.com/herman-cain-brings-the-house-down-at-values-voter-summit/)
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To: matt1234

I have evolved beyond having an age, although I was born in 27 years ago.

I have $165,949.95 in student loans to get my Doctorate in Extra-terrestrial communications. But with the budget cuts for NASA they aren’t hiring.

My medical insurance won’t cover the illnesses I contracted when I was abducted by aliens from the planet Stonepout. They are the fourth planet of the 6th star of the Pleiades group.

We need to provide amnesty to them so they can land an teach how life evolved without violence on their planet.

In wise preparation for their public landings I am making myself look like them. I have tattooed a third eye on my nose, split my tongue down the center, shaved my head, and implanted antennae on my scalp.

I have discovered that LSD helps me to tune in to their wave-length and understand the messages they beam to me.

It is a shame that someone with my qualifications continues to be rejected for any kind of employment. I live in a cardboard box under a bridge, waiting for them to arrive.

I am the 99%.

Peacy and Love and Tranquility and Good Vibes to all.

P.S. I just got a call from the 60s. They want me to send back my tie-dyed rainbow T-shirt, but I have to wash it first.


18 posted on 10/08/2011 12:47:43 PM PDT by Silverhair
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To: matt1234; 3D-JOY; 50mm; AGreatPer; Bockscar; calcowgirl; cindy-true-supporter; concretebob; ...
My name is Matt Foley and I am a motivational speaker. Now let me give you a little scenerio of what my life is all about. First off I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a

VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Now you Wall Street occupiers think you're gonna get the world by the tail and wrap it around and pull it down and put it in your pocket. Well I'm here to tell you that you're probably gonna find that as you go out there that you're not going to amount to

JACK SQUAT!

You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese and livin' in a

VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!


18½ posted on 10/08/2011 3:44:43 PM EDT by Matt Foley (Is that Bill Shakespeare over there? )

To: 3D-Joy; 50mm; AGreatPer; Bockscar; calcowgirl; cindyTrueSupporter; concretebob; Disco Dave; ...
Well la-di-freekin-ping!

If you want off my ping list get over it!


19 posted on 10/08/2011 12:49:14 PM PDT by BufordP ("Drink me if you can't take a joke!" --Kool-Aid)
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To: cripplecreek
I’M THE .0099% AND I WANT A PONY DAMMIT!!!!

You know, CC, One day you're going to have to let the pony thing go.

20 posted on 10/08/2011 1:07:05 PM PDT by TangoLimaSierra (To the left the truth looks Right-Wing.)
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To: Political Junkie Too

love it.


21 posted on 10/08/2011 1:09:46 PM PDT by CommieCutter
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To: freedumb2003

You will NEVER win the parody contest!

That bumper sticker is dead accurate!


22 posted on 10/08/2011 1:15:12 PM PDT by BwanaNdege (“Man has often lost his way, but modern man has lost his address” - Gilbert K. Chesterton)
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To: TangoLimaSierra

I’m a reasonable man.

I’d settle for a large goat.


23 posted on 10/08/2011 1:16:51 PM PDT by cripplecreek (MLB Playoff thread http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/2786167/posts)
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To: matt1234

Hi, my name is Kim. I have 2 children and live in a very nice apartment, it costs too much but I’m not about to live where they don’t have a pool, work-out room and spa.

I left my hardworking husband because I just needed to enjoy my life. I’ve found the boyz in da hood and they know how to show a woman a good time but life has been hard for them and none of them have jobs.

I have gone bankrupt once but I still have those student loans to pay back so now I’m back in school to get my master’s and if they keep asking for payment I’ll have to go on to get my Phd.

Even with my degree I haven’t been able to get ahead and have had to work 4 hours a day, 4 days a week as a waitress for 10 years. I did have a full time job once but I tried to sue them when I tripped on the stairs and they fired me!

I only get $300 a month in food stamps and can hardly afford to feed my kids dinner every night, thank goodness they eat breakfast and lunch at school.

I’m getting my degree in education so I can work in the schools, I like the schedule and the pay and benefits are pretty good, the only real problem I see is that I HATE children, I don’t even like my own. My daughter is always whining that she only sees me a couple hours a week and I say good, you are learning to be independent. A lot of kids your age don’t know how to cook and clean and do laundry.

I am the 99%


24 posted on 10/08/2011 1:27:07 PM PDT by tiki
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To: matt1234

I have a Flow-Bee.


25 posted on 10/08/2011 1:28:17 PM PDT by Cringing Negativism Network (America First)
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To: berdie

later


26 posted on 10/08/2011 1:40:12 PM PDT by berdie
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To: matt1234; kingattax; DarthVader; yorkie; jaycee; oldteen
Sing to the tune of "A Wand'ring Minstrel I" from Gilbert & Sullivan's "MIKADO"

An aging hippie I,
A thing of jeans and sandals
Of incense, musk and candles,
And posters from '69.
I play my 33's on a vintage turntable,
I smoke it when I'm able
I have an accomplished whine--
I have an accomplished whine.

Have you a protest march for me?
I'll march with you!
(Poooooowwwweerrr to the People!)
Give me a sign and I'll carry
a sign for you!
(pooooower to the peeeeeople!)
I'll take off all my clothes if it will make a point.
I'll do it for a joint to share with you----
(Pooooowwweeer to the peeeeople!)

But if a wall street protest is desired
I have communist slogans cut and dried
I haven't worked a day since I was fired
And sure could use some money on the side!
I have a bunch of signs already printed
By a local chapter of SEIU
And if you'll make a willing contribution
I'll be so glad to share my pinko signs with you!

(CHORUS) We wouldn't be surprised if he is getting paid By either Hoffa or the SEIU!

Or if you call for a local parade
That celebrates gay pride
I'll dress up like a raging queen
A leather boy with a smile serene
(Although I'm not one inside!)

(CHORUS)Yo Ho--He's a Ho--
(Although he's not one inside.)


To shout all day in the blistering sun
Might not be everyone's taste
But if you want some caterwauling done
And if you have the prerequisite sum
I'll ROLL in nuclear waste! Yo Ho!
And I'll even pretend it's fun!

(CHORUS) So jump up on the barricades,
we've got a ripe one here
Though his dome is chrome and his hair is grey
Still has his ponytail (in a way)
With a yo heave ho
With a yo heave ho,
and a Yo, Bro, Ho de Do fo dis Po Ho down on de Flo!


(Reprise) An aging hippie I
A thing of jeans and sandals
Of incense musk and candles
And posters from '69....
And posters from 69!

c 2005, 2011, ML/LTOS, from the opera "The Twenty First Century So Far"
27 posted on 10/08/2011 2:05:01 PM PDT by left that other site (Psalm 122:6)
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To: matt1234; left that other site; tiapam
After many job interviews, with no luck, I decided it must be because my blue hair made me look elderly.

So, I went back to my natural color.

The nose ring is a big plus - because I can change it with every holiday!

Now that I have figured it out, I may get hired as Dean of Celebrations at the college!

I am among the 99% that failed with blue hair.


28 posted on 10/08/2011 3:40:26 PM PDT by yorkie (Looks like it's CAIN vs. UNable!)
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To: BufordP

Maybe [Mrs] T and I can get some cheese. Funny stuff, glad you added your impotent post.

[Mr] T


29 posted on 10/08/2011 4:36:54 PM PDT by trooprally (Never Give Up - Never Give In - Remember Our Troops)
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To: yorkie

I DIG that Seasonal Nose Ring!


30 posted on 10/08/2011 4:47:47 PM PDT by left that other site (Psalm 122:6)
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To: matt1234

I, like, thought, like going to college for , like, forever would, like, do some good so I could, like, have the cash and the time to, like, enjoy life because, like, you know, we are all just like the polar bears, you know, going to be , like, swimming around and gonna be eaten by, like, an orca or whatever or maybe a big jellyfish like I saw on TV once sting a guy and, man, it looked like is was really super painful and all that gets me so depressed that, like, I have a hard time getting up at 10 or 11 every morning to go to my job at White Castle where, like, they say I’m not a candidate for like a manager’s position and - shit I need a bigger piece of cardboard for my sign! Man, I am the 99% but I’ve like never been good at decimals so I don’t like know if that puts me in the big group.


31 posted on 10/08/2011 4:59:40 PM PDT by Repulican Donkey
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To: left that other site
ROTF!!!
32 posted on 10/08/2011 5:22:27 PM PDT by yorkie (Looks like it's CAIN vs. UNable!)
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To: yorkie

I actually wrote that in 2005, but updated the “Protest march” verse for the latest idiot crowd. Glad you like it! :-)


33 posted on 10/08/2011 5:32:14 PM PDT by left that other site (Psalm 122:6)
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To: BufordP

Well DONE, Buford.


34 posted on 10/08/2011 8:25:27 PM PDT by grey_whiskers (The opinions are solely those of the author and are subject to change without notice.)
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To: matt1234; al baby; Allegra; BufordP; EveningStar; JRios1968; martin_fierro; pax_et_bonum; ...

Hello. My name is Dwayne Stump.

Weekends are for drunks. Do drugs.

I am the 99%

Go f*** yerselves, capitalist running dogs.


35 posted on 10/08/2011 9:48:00 PM PDT by Tolerance Sucks Rocks (It's the Tea Party's fault!)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

I want have sex w Christy Canyon , win the lotto, get obama out of office, and meet Metallica.

I am the 99 percent.


36 posted on 10/08/2011 9:53:43 PM PDT by GlockThe Vote (The Obama Adminstration: 2nd wave of attacks on America after 9/11)
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To: matt1234; BufordP

Hi, my name is Dynamite Hack

Cuz the boys in the hood are always hard
Come talkin’ that trash and we’ll pull your card
Knowin’ nothin’ in life but to be legit,
Don’t quote me boy, I ain’t said s***

I am the 99%

Peace out


37 posted on 10/08/2011 9:54:49 PM PDT by Tolerance Sucks Rocks (It's the Tea Party's fault!)
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To: matt1234

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some . . . people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.

I am the 99%.

-PJ

38 posted on 10/08/2011 9:59:03 PM PDT by Political Junkie Too (Everyone's Irish on St. Patrick's Day, Mexican on Cinco de Mayo, and American on Election Day.)
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To: GlockThe Vote; BufordP

Hi, I am Satan.

I’m organizing all these protests with my puppets George Soros and Barack Obama, so that I can finally, through communism, bring America into the Dominion of Hell!

I am the 99% ... or is it the 666%?

Tell God I still don’t want to move back up there.


39 posted on 10/08/2011 10:02:14 PM PDT by Tolerance Sucks Rocks (It's the Tea Party's fault!)
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To: 3D-JOY; abner; Abundy; AGreatPer; Albion Wilde; AliVeritas; alisasny; ALlRightAllTheTime; ...

My name is Tasmanian Sicko Rube

I am the keeper of PING lists. I don’t have time for a job to pay back my student loans that financed my getting stoned and drunk in College. Scoring a D- average in my major was worth it, however.

I am the 99%

PING!

(funny stuff in this thread right here!)


40 posted on 10/08/2011 10:10:37 PM PDT by Tolerance Sucks Rocks (It's the Tea Party's fault!)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks; MeekOneGOP; Conspiracy Guy; DocRock; King Prout; Darksheare; OSHA; ...
I am the eggman. (Woo!)

They are the eggmen. (Woo!)

I am the 99%.

Goo goo gah joob.


41 posted on 10/08/2011 10:31:11 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows (You can't have Ingsoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
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To: matt1234

Caption under the picture of the guy defecating on the NYPD Cruiser.

“Does this Cop Car make my ass look big?”


42 posted on 10/08/2011 10:37:37 PM PDT by Kickass Conservative (Liberals, Useful Idiots Voting for Useless Idiots...)
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To: Slings and Arrows

99% Walrus - + coo-coo-ca-choo +

43 posted on 10/08/2011 10:41:37 PM PDT by Liberty Valance (Keep a simple manner for a happy life :o)
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To: matt1234
I used to be a 98%er, but I was the only one.

Since I like hanging around smelly hippies who use the money they save on soap to buy an iPhone, (with unlimited talk / text / web), I graduated to a 99%er.

I went to Starbucks to use the bathroom, but the Toilet was all plugged up. I snuck into Walgreens and stole a box of Depends to share with my new friends. I am a giver.

BTW - I tried to give that guy who defecated on the NYPD Cruiser a Depends, but his Butt was too big to fit into them. Next time I'll be sure to steal XXL Depends. I am a giver.

44 posted on 10/08/2011 10:53:25 PM PDT by Kickass Conservative (Liberals, Useful Idiots Voting for Useless Idiots...)
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To: Liberty Valance
I am the LOLrus. Where's mah bucket?
45 posted on 10/08/2011 11:26:23 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows (You can't have Ingsoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
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To: BufordP

Good one!


46 posted on 10/09/2011 3:02:30 AM PDT by Jimmy Valentine's brother (Mark Steyn, Thomas Sowell, Shelby Steele are good for the soul)
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To: matt1234
I find it reprehensible that so many employers won’t give me a second look because I have a nose ring and blue hair. That’s discrimination, pure and simple.

No kidding! When I looked at the 99% site, one of the first ones I saw was a woman with an MFA, a colored streak in her hair and a prominent nose ring. She's whining because she can't find a teaching job. My first thought was, "How is it the fault of billionaires that academia won't hire you?" My second thought was "How do you expect to get a professorship when you look like a minimum wage barista?"

47 posted on 10/09/2011 6:48:28 AM PDT by Mr. Silverback (Anyone who says we need illegals to do the jobs Americans won't do has never watched "Dirty Jobs.")
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To: matt1234; BufordP; All
Thanks for LOLs everyone. With all the talent on this thread cannot compete.

A real 99%er.

48 posted on 10/09/2011 7:09:18 AM PDT by no-to-illegals (Please God, Protect and Bless Our Men and Women in Uniform with Victory. Amen. --> AmeriCain)
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