Posted on 12/16/2011 4:39:41 AM PST by Lucky9teen
1) This is a true story about John Porter, from New York State, USA, whose pipes in his home froze one winter. Anxious to unfreeze them, Mr Porter backed his car up to an open window so that the exhaust would warm up the house.
A little while later and Porter, his wife and their three children had to be rushed to hospital suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning.
2) George Gibbs, from Columbus, Ohio, suffered second-degree burns on his head. This is what happened one freezing cold winter morning. Unable to start his car, George diagnosed the problem as a frozen fuel line which he thought he could correct by running warm petrol through it. He then tried to heat a two-gallon can of petrol on his gas stove in the kitchen. Ah.....
Just before Xmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the lift (elevator) at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a £50 note lying on the lift's floor.
Which one picked up the £50 note, and handed it in at reception?
Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!
Grandpa decided that shopping for Christmas presents had become too difficult. All his grandchildren had everything they needed, so he decided to send them each a cheque (check).
On each card he wrote:
'Happy Christmas Grandpa'
P.S. 'Buy your own present!'
Conclusion:
Now, while Grandpa enjoyed the family festivities, he thought that his grandchildren were just slightly distant. It preyed on his mind into the New Year. Then one day he was sorting out his study and under a pile of magazines, he found a little pile of cheques (checks) for his grandchildren. He had completely forgotten to put them in with the Christmas cards.
WHEW!!!
What a brave person you are...
Not really this will be something the kids will remember for ever. Enjoy it and bask in it. Wow what a neat time.
If they run outta batteries then they can get to know each other better.
Last time I rode a train was from Austin to Fort Worth I was 16 and all by myself it was fun!!
You might see some snow in KS but it will be DARK when you go thru.
Best pole dancer ever - not that kind of pole dancing.
Starts out a little slow but then really heats up
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waIuhfoTMv8
_____
Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving
questions about my dog who mauled six illegal aliens
wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing
Pelosi tee shirts, two rappers, nine teenagers with
pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer
service desk people speaking in broken English,
three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.
FOR THE LAST TIME:
THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE.
_____
Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam in California
Dear Sam,
Register as a Republican, and run for public office.
Abby
_____
Dear Abby:
The other night on my way home I stopped
in at the neighborhood tavern for a drink.
When I left someone shouted after me,
“You filthy $lut!”
What should I do?
Desperate
Dear Desperate:
Stop hanging out where they know you.
_____
You remember this?
Wait for it......
A blast from the past
I own this page.
I screwed up and miscounted....IOTP
The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
That graphic needs to be put on billboards nationwide.
Very effective.
LOL
And here I thought Obama didn’t know $#!+...
Q: What do you call an epilectic in a lettuce field?
A: Seizure salad.
I'm going to hell for that. So are you for laughing at it. :b
"He hath the falling sickness (epilepsy)."
--Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
ROFL!
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