Posted on 11/02/2012 5:46:36 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
"After the last debate, experts agreed that President Obama won on substance and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several substances." -David Letterman
"Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety. Those are the eight states." -Jay Leno
"Don't ask, don't tell" is back. Not for gays in the military — it's President Obama's new policy for questions about Libya." ~ Jay Leno
"Republicans are accusing the White House of successfully engineering a massive cover-up of the Libyan attack. But, on the plus side, it's the first time in four years Republicans have given credit to Obama for doing anything successfully." ~ Jay Leno
"President Obama is coming under criticism now for not meeting with his jobs council. He hasn't met with his jobs council in over six months. You know the reason Obama hasn't met with his job council in six months? They're all out looking for jobs." -Jay Leno
"Economists say rebuilding after Hurricane Sandy will give the ailing construction industry a huge boost. In fact, the storm has already created more jobs than President Obama." -Jay Leno
"The New York City Marathon is still on for Sunday. Typically the New York City Marathon is won by a guy from Kenya. No, no, I'm sorry. I'm thinking about next week's election." -David Letterman
"I had a trick-or-treater tonight who stood outside on my porch for an hour, didn't ring the bell, didn't knock on the door. I said, "Who are you supposed to be?" He said, "I'm an undecided voter.'" -Jay Leno
"Harvard Law School will soon offer a class called 'Understanding Obama' - while Barnum & Bailey Clown College will offer a class called 'Understanding Biden.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"A man in Indiana got a tattoo of Barack Obama's campaign logo on his face. They describe the man as a staunch Democrat who has never heard of bumper stickers." -Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney picked 'Javelin' as his Secret Service code name. Rick Santorum chose 'Petris' because that's his grandfather's name. Barack Obama chose 'Gas prices are not my fault.'" -Jay Leno
"Did you see the story about the mother duck and her ducklings helped through a a fence at the White House property? The Secret Service pushed the little ducks through the fence. Of course, the Secret Service checked to make sure the ducks had donated enough money to President Obama's re-election campaign." -Jay Leno
"Due to the rising price of oil and gas, the Obama administration announced today they are considering dipping into our national strategic re-election reserves. I mean, I'm sorry - strategic oil reserves." -Jay Leno
"President Obama is trying to come up with a new campaign slogan that would replace 'hope and change.' He's thinking of going with 'I am not Mitt Romney.'" -Craig Ferguson
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They should rename Sandy to A-Rod, then it wouldn't hit anything.
They should rename Sandy to the Jets, then it would never touchdown.
Nothing like Hurricane Sandy to make me realize what's really important in life, internet access.
What do Snooki and Hurricane Sandy have in common? They will blow the entire east coast to get on TV.
Sandy's first victim in NY city is the crane that holds up Rex Ryan's pants.
Olive Garden Poorly Timed Ad: Go out tonight, be social.
I believe Hurricane Sandy and all hurricanes should have access to contraception. - Barack Obama
Romney has a binder full of hurricane names.
Did someone say Sandy was blowing people? - Bill Clinton
About to watch The Day After Tomorrow, that should take my mind off the hurricane.
Hurricane Sandy, proof that Gangnam style is an Indian Rain Dance.
How's the name Hurricane Sandy threatening? If you really want to scare people, call it Hurricane DickSmash.
Obama claims Hurricane Sandy is the result of a spontaneous butterfly.
New waterfront property. Conveniently located in West Virgina.
If you lose power, don't think of it as being caught in a blackout, think of it as temporarily falling to the dark side.
NJ weather alert. In the event of an emergency, find Chris Christie and hold on.
If Sandy were hitting Europe, we'd be starting to plan a summit to set the legislative basis to design a framework for buying a lifeboat.
Hurricane Sandy, because God is tired of political ads too.
I'm sorry for my terrible Hurricane Sandy jokes, I know they blow.
Q. If Obama is reelected President, how will he ensure that men and women have equal earnings?
A. Unemployment.
The Obama campaign was handing out "Obama vs Outsourcing" bumper-stickers. They were made in China.
When Ronald Reagan left office in 1989 it was the end of an era. When Obama leaves office in 2013 it will be the end of an error.
Obama is working on a new plan after his fiasco in Libya. He's going to rent a U-Haul.
Obama ended the War on Terror. He surrendered.
To err is human, to blame it all on Bush is Obama.
Top 25.
I laughed out loud TWICE!
Yay! Silliness is here!
Now that's silly!
Yea for silliness!!
THAT is an EPIC Photobomb!
Morning, Lucky! I finally made it in.. Woohooo!!!!
So much for the "fix" that was promised last year.
LOL. Hump, Slump, Bump and Plump...don’t forget fist Pump.
“More than apparent”?
How about “a forgone conclusion”?
Waaa Hoooooo !
In before 5,000,000....
What?
OK. I’ll take 35 then.....
And come Tuesday, my personal favorite: Dump.
Only in the 0Bama Regime
1) Only in the 0Bama Regime, could 0Bama talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 a plate campaign fund-raising event.
2) Only in the 0Bama Regime, could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal workforce is black while only 12% of the population is black.
3) Only in the 0Bama Regime, could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner, the head of the Treasury Department and Charles Rangel who once ran the Ways and Means Committee, BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes..
4) Only in the 0Bama Regime, can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.
5) Only in the 0Bama Regime, would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege while we discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just ‘magically’ become American citizens.
6) Only in the 0Bama Regime, could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be thought of as “extremists.”
7) Only in the 0Bama Regime, could you need to present a driver’s license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.
8) Only in the 0Bama Regime, could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).
9) Only in the 0Bama Regime, could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year - for total spending of $7-Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn’t have nearly enough money.
10) Only in the 0Bama Regime, could the rich people - who pay 86% of all income taxes - be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all.
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’
Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’
‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.
‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’
Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
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