Posted on 02/01/2013 6:46:55 PM PST by SgtHooper
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away... But since most doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself "I'm going to take that".
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."
I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today. One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F***ing' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
God made woman last because everytime He made something He didn’t want someone over His shoulder saying “Why did you do it like THAT?!?”
That reminds me. I thought the “women in combat” issue was resolved when they were allowed to drive.
pleeze excouse my speling, but I have to tel you. I stepped on an ant today. Boy, was my unkle ever mad.
you think you’re having a bad day? i’was talking with my buddy today and he tells me his wife is eating for two now. i tell him congratulations. he says, why? i didn’t say she was pregnant.
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
And that’s when the fight started....
LOL!
I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie,large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said “I’ve not eaten for two days.”
I told him “I wish I had your will power”!
When my wife asked, “Why do you come home half-drunk?” I had to admit,”I often run out of money.”
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift at all.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And then the fight started.....
As Larry the Cable Guy would say, I don’t care who ya are, that’s funny right there.
MAN OF THE HOUSE
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be the Man of Your House.
He stormed over to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and...well... you get the point.
“Later, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.... Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess.”
Three men, a Canadian farmer, an Arab terrorist and an
American Biker are all walking together one day. They come
across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. ’I will give each
of you one wish, which is three wishes in total’, says the
Genie...
The Canadian says, ’I am a farmer and my son will also
farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ‘
POOF! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada
was forever fertile for farming.
The Arab terrorist was amazed, so he said, ’I want a wall around Afghanistan , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.’
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, ’I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.’
The Genie explains, ’Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it’s virtually impenetrable.’
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says...
“Fill it with water.”
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The second old guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The first old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?”
The second old guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”
To which the first old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, — let’s look for yours.”
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And that’s when the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, ‘Do you know him?’ ‘Yes,’ she sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ I said, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? And that’s how the fight started...
While Robert Reich is campaigning for Obama in Nevada, he goes to see a doctor. He tells the doctor “I have a terrible pain in my testicles.”
Doctor grabs a pair of scissors and approaches Robert Reich. Reich says “Oh no you don’t, you’re not cutting off my testicles!”
Doctor says “No, I’m just going to cut the tops off those new cowboy boots you’ve got on.”
The Dog’s Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “ I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.”
So I bought her a scale.
.....and that’s when the fight started.
Yeah...;)
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