And now, on the lighter side...

Vanity ^ | 2/1/2013 | Sgthooper

[SgtHooper]

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away... But since most doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself "I'm going to take that".

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."

I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today. One of the questions was:

"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F***ing' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

[Revolting cat!]

And then there was this feller who claimed to have invented rock and roll, composed "Rock Around the Clock", and named the Beatles, among a score of other great achievements, and his name was... Joey Welz!

[rlmorel]

So this guy gets on an airplane, locates his seat and finds that he is setting next to, of all people, the Pope.

“Wow”, he thinks, “I’ve always been a big admirer of His Holiness, but what do I say to him?”

Then he sees the Pope pull out his newspaper and start to work the crossword puzzle. “This is great, I’m a whiz at crosswords”

Soon the Pope says, “Excuse me sir, but do you know a four letter word that refers to a woman and ends in U-N-T. Well, of course, a word immediately springs to mind, but he thinks “Geez, I can’t say THAT to the Pope.” So the guy gives the Pope a sheepish shrug and tells him that he can’t think of anything.

However, A few minutes later, a thought come to him. Excuse me sir, I think that the word you were looking for was “aunt”.

“”Yes, yes, the Pope smiles, “that must be right, say, do you have an eraser?”

[rlmorel]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it’s MY fault!

[Joe 6-pack]

On their wedding night, a young couple arrive at their hotel suite and begin prepping for their first night together as husband and wife. The man slides off his trousers and says, "Sweety, I want you to try these on." She quizzically looks at him, then pulls on the trousers. As she's holding them up, he tells her to let go of the waist. She says, "I can't, they won't stay up."

The man smugly looks at her, and says, "And you remember that. I'm the one who wears the pants in this family."

She shuffles off to the bathroom, emerges in a bath robe, and hands the groom her panties, saying, "I wan't you to try these one." The man looks at the panties, looks at his wife and says, "You have to be kidding me...there's no way I'm getting into those things." She replies, "You're right about that, and you're not going to until you change your attitude."

Many years later, after decades of marriage, the man decides to do something to put a little spice back in their relationship. One Valentine's Day, he goes to Victoria's Secret over his lunch hour and buys the sheerest, most expensive nightie he can find.

When he arrives home, he gives his wife the gift box which she gleefully opens and smiles. After dinner as the man is watching the evening news, the wife sneaks off to the bedroom and slips into her new nighty. Posing provacatively on the stairs, she whistles at her husband who turns, sees her and his jaw drops. "Whaddya think?" she asks.

"I think for as much as I paid for that, they would have at least ironed it!"

[rlmorel]

Jane, you ignorant slut.

Bagged out, dried up, skunk meat like you and Michelle Triolla know the rules. If you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let's all shed a tear for poor Michelle Triolla. There was only testimony that she had sexual intercourse over 40 times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin.

But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuity means nothing to you. Someone like you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap ham-radio. But hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and Michelle Triolla like a screeching, squealing, rapacious swamp sow is after actor Lee Marvin's last three million dollars.

I guess what you and Michelle are saying is, that when you're on your backs, the meter is running. Well please spare us gals, and tell us the rates at the top. Then we can choose which two-bit tarts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.

[Bulwyf]

Why do they call it PMS? Because mad cow disease was already taken.

Sadly, I told this joke when I was at my folk’s place on leave from the army, and it must of been the wrong time and place to be telling such a joke, because no sooner than I finish...there was no hesitation to the open hand across my face from my mother. Last I saw of my father, he had knocked his chair down in his haste to escape and was howling laughing down the hall, leaving me to the wolves.

[Girlene]

and here he is when he was just a wee one, Joey Wells being fawned over by his dear moms and pops. Little did he, or they, know how fantastic his future in Rock and Roll would be...

[Girlene]

PMS - Pack My Suitcase

[Graybeard58]

An elderly couple were sitting on their porch in their rockers, having just celebrated their 75 th. anniversary. They rocked a bit and he turned to her and said softly, "honey, I'm so proud of you".

The woman rocked a bit more and then turned to her husband and said, "that's OK, I'm tired of you too".

[Girlene]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ‘’Shut up...you’re next!’’

[A Formerly Proud Canadian]

This older couple, were out on the town, celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. An angel appeared, explaining that since so few couples nowadays remained married so long, as a reward, he was going to grant them each a wish.

The wife quickly said that she wanted to go on a cruise and immediately, they found themselves sitting by a pool, on a cruise ship!

The husband looked around at all the lovely bikini-clad ladies by the pool and beckoned for the angel to come closer. The husband leaned over and whispered in the angel's ear, "I wish I were married to someone 25 years younger." Immediately, the husband became 25 years older.

The moral of the story? Be careful what you wish for, it may come true.

[Bulwyf]

haha, that’s the first time I have heard that one. I’ll remember it, I may repeat it, just warning you:)

[Vendome]

LOL!!!

[Vendome]

No joke!!! Thought I was the only who has to hear that.

LOL

[Vendome]

Man sitting on a couch watching the Super Bowl....

Wife walks in asks “What’s on the TV?”

“Dust” the man replied.....

And THAT’S how the fight started....

[Vendome]

ROTFLMAO!!!! To all the jokes on this thread....

[Vendome]

Oh Noes!!!! LOL

[Vendome]

Frickin dork! Can’t believe I read that whole thing. Very funny. LOL!

[Vendome]

OMG!!! LOL!!!

[Islander2]

This analysis must have been written by an engineer.
Women don’t snore.
Women don’t belch.
And Women don’t fart.
The conclusion therefore is that if they
didn’t bitch, they would blow up.