My favorite joke

friend | 5/1/2013 | unknown

[econjack]

A guy is out walking in a field and spots a large hole in the ground. He walks over to it and peers over the edge. He can't see the bottom, so he looks around and spots a pebble. He tosses the pebble in the hole, cocks his head, and listens.

Nothing.

He looks around again, sees a large boulder, hefts it up and waddles over to the edge of the hole and heaves it it and cocks his head.

Nothing.

He looks around once more and spots a large railroad tie. With considerable effort, he drags it to the edge, stands it on end, and shoves it over the edge and cocks his head.

Nothing.

However, as he is listening, his peripheral vision notices motion on top of the hill and he looks up to see a goat running as fast as any four-legged animal he has ever seen. Suddenly, it hangs a hard right turn and comes racing down the hill at break-neck speed, barely giving the guy enough time to jump out of the way. As he does, the goat dives head-first into the hole. He cocks his head and listens.

Nothing.

Just then, a farmer comes up and asks: "Have you seen a goat around here?"

The guy responds: "He was up on that ridge and was running faster than anything I've ever seen and then he turned sharply to the right, raced down the hill, and dived into that hole over there."

The farmer said: "Impossible."

The guy said: "I'm not lying...full speed down the hill and dived into that hole!"

Farmer repeated: "Impossible. I had him chained to a railroad tie."

[llevrok]

So the doctor told me I was very sick and might die.

Shocked at the news, I said, “Gee, Doc. I’d better get a second opinion”

“Alright here is my second opinion”, he replied, “You’re ugly too!”

I’ll be here all week, folks. Don’t forget to tip your waitress on your way out and drive safely!

[NTHockey]

Good one. When I lived in Texas many years ago, Aggie jokes were all the rage. My two favorites:

Did you hear about the Aggie who almost one the Indianapolis 500? He lost because he had to stop three times - once for gas and twice for directions.

Did you hear about the Aggie who tried to beat the railroad crossing? He was killed when he hit the 32nd car.

Poor Aggies.

[llevrok]

How many dead people are buried in Forest Lawn cemetery?

[CrazyIvan]

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

He sat up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

[muir_redwoods]

Three couples sought to join a church, an elderly pair, a middle aged couple and two young newly weds.

The pastor told all three couples that, in order to join the church, they would have to abstain from sex for a month. They should all meet with him in a month and report on their experience.

A month later, in the pastors office, the elderly couple said they managed fine and were ready to join up. The middle aged couple said it was a difficult month but with prayer and determination they made it. The pastor welcomed them in and asked the young couple how they did.

The young man said they made it about two weeks and then lost it. “What happened?” asked the pastor,

“Well, she bent over to pick up a can of soup and I lost it, I tore off her pants and just drilled her”

The pastor, a bit taken aback by the language, explained that they couldn’t join his church.

“That’s okay” said the young man, “We can’t go back to Safeway either”

[mirkwood]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your
wife to death with a hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You Bastard!”

The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a
hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!”

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom ....

“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more
outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

Paddy stands up and says ....

“I’m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that
arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

[who_would_fardels_bear]

There were two peanuts walking down the street
and one of them was assaulted ...
peanut.

[llevrok]

All of them.

[justlurking]

How many dead people are buried in Forest Lawn cemetery?

All of them.

[HopeSprings]

My favorite Aggie joke: what do you call an Aggie three years after graduating?

Boss

Gig’em

[golux]

All I can say regarding the best jokes of our time is that the left wing media by way of Yahoo Answers et al have managed to delete all previous references to “KENYA THEY GOT EM ALL OVER THE PLACE” as the punchline of The Parrot Joke and replaced it simply with CHICAGO. Now THERE’s Soros-funded “web optimization” in action!

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

It’s times like these when FR needs a “like” button. Thanks for a good laugh.

[4yearlurker]

Or the “bald headed mouse” joke.

[econjack]

Every once in awhile we all need a good laugh...

[JoeProBono]

The Iranian ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the United States ambassador, John Bolton.

They exchanged pleasantries and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

Ambassador Bolton said, "Well anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Arabs or Muslims on Star Trek."

Bolton laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

[JohnG45]

An armed and masked man enters a bank and demands that a teller give him all the money. At that moment, his mask falls off.

Bank robber (to the teller): Did you see my face?

Teller: Yes, I did.

Boom! He shoots her in the head.

The robber turns to the customer who is next on line.

Bank robber: Did you see my face?

Customer: Yes, I did.

Boom! He shots the customer in the head.

Next on line is an elderly couple.

Bank robber: Did either of you see my face?

Elderly gentleman: No, I didn’t but she did.

[JoeProBono]

[tx_eggman]

Two aggies walking down the sideline of Kyle Field on weekday afternoon when one of them spots the school mascot, Reville, licking its genitals.

The first one says to his friend "don't you wish you could do that?"

The other responds .. "Oh, no, that dog would bite me!!!"

[gorush]

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

The poor guy stayed awake all night wondering if there really IS a dog.

[Fiji Hill]

The Baby Buggy Joke has been around for a number of decades. Here's the 1980 version.

In 1980, a man was working at a baby buggy factory in the Soviet Union. For some reason, the company's products were never seen in the stores.

Since the employee's wife was expecting a baby, he would soon be in the market for a baby buggy, so he thought he could save some money by building one of his own from parts smuggled out of the factory. So each evening when he went home, he smuggled out a different part. When he had all of the necessary parts, he began to construct the baby buggy.

When he was finished, he found out why the factory's products were never seen in the stores. Instead of a baby buggy, he had an SS-18 ICBM.