Auntie Em!, Auntie Em!!!
Posted on 05/31/2013 5:46:00 AM PDT by Tolerance Sucks Rocks
Tuesday afternoon, a local elementary school student, Peter Collins, was arrested for bringing a “tornado in a bottle” to school for the annual Denysin Elementary science fair. Authorities were alerted after it was reported that a student had what appeared to be an “atmospheric weapon of destruction” on school grounds.
The school was quickly evacuated, as the Denver bomb squad was called in to deal with collecting and neutralizing Collins’ second grade science fair project. Teachers close to Collins noted that Collins was a, “stellar student’ and they were, “shocked to learn someone like that could be capable of doing something so dangerous”. One witness remarked that Collins’ project looked, “normal” until Collins shook it up to reveal its true “sinister and offensive form”.
According to Collins’ parents, the project was nothing more than water mixed with dish soap and blue dye that creates a, “tornado like spiral” when shaken. However, many area parents are not so convinced of the project’s innocent nature.
Mother of a student in Peter Collins’ class, Angela Surname, told reporters that she, “didn’t know how plans for such diabolical technology could get into the hands of children” and that she and all of her book club agree that the internet and, “whichever top-forty musician that wears the most black” are to blame.
Many parents have demanded the school district take, “immediate disciplinary action” against Collins. Several students in Collins’ class have reportedly told the school’s administration that they are, “too distraught “ by the incident to do homework or participate in class.
These complaints by students have resulted in many parents demanding that free after school counseling be offered to any students in the district who were, “disturbed by Collins’ science fair project”.
Denysin Elementary School Principal, Dan Johnson, noted that the school has a strict, “zero tolerance policy on any and all atmospheric simulations” since the infamous 2003 incident involving a baking soda volcano in which two students’ shoes and pants were temporarily stained. Principal Johnson told reporters that seven year old Collins will be charged with, “possession and discharge of a weapon on school grounds, discharging a destructive device, and child abuse” all of which carry a minimum of ten years prison time.
When asked about the severity of Collins’ punishment, Principal Johnson told reporters, “We don’t allow toy guns in our schools, why should we allow a replication of something more destructive than a gun”.
When parents of Denysin Elementary students were asked about the severity of Collins’ punishment, many believed that the actions taken against Collins were, “perfectly reasonable”.
“What if next time a student brings a real tornado to school? We have to show the bad seeds that there are serious consequences for their actions” remarked local mother and elbow pad enthusiast, Coleen McClusky.
Many parents of students in Collins’ class have spoken out for Collins to be, “expelled and banished” from the school and state respectively. Those parents then told reporters that were their children to be in Collins situation, they were, “ninety percent sure (they) would still feel the same way”.
Collins is currently being held in San Morrison federal prison without bail, and will see a judge sometime in between “next Tuesday and his eighth grade graduation”.
UPDATE: After being thrown out by three separate local judges, Denysin Elementary School Principal is pursuing the possibility of trying young Peter Collins in a military tribunal for, “Conspiracy and Terrorism”.
(Preceding is Satire.)
Remember the “Gun Shaped Cloud” satire?
Needs satire tag. Too many here will believe.
The further I read, the higher my BP rose. Right before my head was about to explode, I saw the satire tag. How sad is it that this is actually believable?
“It’s funny that with all the “zero tolerance” policies,
that you actually could think that this was true.
Yes, we think that little of public schools and their administrators.”
We are definitely in Weirdworld when satire and reality overlap. This was entirely plausible in an age when kids can be expelled from school for bringing quarter-sized GI Joe “guns” to school.
“What if next time a student brings a real tornado to school?
Is she for real?
It’s still scary — the fact that I had no reason to think this was satire until the very end.
I believed it up to the fourth paragraph. LOL
There have been so many stories abut brain-dead bureaucrats perpetrating outrageous acts of child abuse in the name of inane “zero tolerance” policiees that I thought this story was real all the way to paragraph #4, when I read the name of the mother.
It’s still scary — the fact that I had no reason to think this was satire until the very end.
Auntie Em!, Auntie Em!!!
Me too! Esp. since my 3rd grader just did this very same project for her science fair! lol
The first line of the original article states that it is satire but that got dropped from this post.
A future Simon Bar Sinister averted.
I guess I missed that, but then again, it wouldn’t be any fun if I put that satire line in right at the beginning.
Yes, amazingly it is satire, I had reached the point that I thought it impossible to satirize the insane goings on of this era.
it wouldn’t be any fun if I put that satire line in right at the beginning.
As long as the student didn't bring in a Pop Tart shaped like a gun or make the letter "L" with his fingers this tale will have a happy ending.
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